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[Loup Du Noir]

Originally Posted by Goonalan

It lacks depth and it's far too disjointed.

You've hinted at these feelings quite a lot Goonalan. I'm going to say I think you are flat out wrong. Often times, writers are their own harshest critics, and I think you are suffering from the same thing.

There's plenty of depth in your story. Cas's coming to terms with what it means to be a leader, the relationship between him and Ala, Ala and Newt, Bec's low-key psychosis, Jim's nervousness coupled with his obvious valour, Newt's love/hate feelings towards the rest of the group. All of these characters, I feel, could come to blows over a red cow, and we, the reader, would be both deeply concerned how things had reached this end, and hopeful for a positive conclusion.

As for the disjointedness? These are young people, in dangerous situations. I mentioned before about your use of pacing. I like the quick shifts of focus, moving from character to character. It models both the panicked pace of the situations they are in, and also is a nonintusive representation of the way in which encounters are worked in dungeons and dragons. Yet when the action returns to a more sedate situation, you slow it down, working in more detail as the characters themselves have more time to work in the detail.

You're also commenting on having to make stuff up, fleshing out the skeleton that is made in game. To draw from my own experiences both gming and writing the events, I can tell you that I at least also bulk things up. The thing I try to keep in mind is that I am trying to capture the spirit of what went on at the table, even if I didn't get a 100% accurate retelling - which would be hard, given I usually leave about half a week between beginning the write up, and take up to a week to complete each entry.

It's all good stuff here, Goonalan, and you are doing a smashing job. It's ok that you perhaps aren't fond of the style you are using, and by all means change it if that's the case, but don't put down the style you are using, which is engaging, and effective. It's snappy, it's quick, it's conducive to the web-forum format but it doesn't miss details where needed.