[LOTR] [Humor] - The Secret Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn

Valanthe the Sleepless · 21st January 2002, 02:18 AM

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.

Day 4:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day 6:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day 10:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.

Day 11:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

**Leopold** · 21st January 2002, 02:20 AM

saw it the other day..still funny as all hell..

UD · 21st January 2002, 02:35 AM

Must stop laughing.... need to breathe.....

graydoom · 21st January 2002, 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Valanthe
THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

[...]

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

LOL! Thanks for sharing this with us, I really laughed at this

!

Grim · 21st January 2002, 02:57 AM

HAHAHAHAHA.... what UD said. GO check out the DND cereal thread on the old boards, and also the "condensed version" of LoTR. Also on old boards

UD · 21st January 2002, 03:05 AM

As the old boards are down, here is the Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings condensed into a 4 minute
read!

WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!

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THE HOBBIT
Bilbo Baggins
Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.
Balin
We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.
Dwalin
I'm the happy one.
Fili
I'm the young one.
Kili
I'm the other young one.
Dori
I'm the funny one.
Nori
I'm the joyous one.
Ori
I'm the cute one.
Oin
I'm the jolly one.
Gloin
I'm the silly one.
Bifur
I'm the one with the funniest name.
Bofur
I'm the one with the looniest name.
Bombur
I'm the fat one.
Thorin
I'm the one with a distinct personality.
Gandalf
Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.
(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because
they almost get EATEN.)

Bilbo Baggins
What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum
I don't know.
(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN.)

Smaug
I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.
(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the
dragon, and it makes a MESS.)

Bilbo Baggins
I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.

THE END

THE LORD OF THE RINGS
BOOK 1: The Fellowship of the Ring

Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to
destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

Bilbo Baggins
It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!!
MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are
attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)

Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be
destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the
Ring to where he lives.

(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES
in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form
having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie
where the guy comes back as a DOG.)

Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
Frodo
No.
Boromir
What have I done? (dies)

THE END

BOOK 2: The Two Towers

(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT
stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)

THE END

BOOK 3: The Return of the King

Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You'll die.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)

Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save
EVERYBODY.)

THE END

Grim · 21st January 2002, 03:58 AM

AHAHAAHAH I love it... must stop laughing... coughing up lung... BLEACHURGONM.. Eeeewwwwwwww...

Wolf72 · 21st January 2002, 04:33 AM

very funny stuff,

"is legolas hotter than me?"

lol!

UD · 21st January 2002, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Grim
AHAHAAHAH I love it... must stop laughing... coughing up lung... BLEACHURGONM.. Eeeewwwwwwww...

I hope your going to clean that up...

Forrester · 21st January 2002, 04:42 AM

Can someone post the short-version of LOTR that was hanging around the old boards? I'd like to show it to a friend, but the old boards have been down for awhile.

Lady Starhawk · 21st January 2002, 05:51 AM

(My first post on the new board...so I hope it comes out all right

)

I found this along with Hobbit, Two Towers, and Return of the king on the Book a Minute site, darn funny stuff. BUt this I copied off of the old board as soon as I saw it

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http://www.livejournal.com/~cassieclaire is more journals of characters including Frodo and Boromir

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THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING (abridged version)

Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.
Bilbo: Okay. Bye!
Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.

Frodo: Doo-de-do.
Nazgul: Boo!
Frodo: Eeeek!
Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!
Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!
Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!

Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!
Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.
Tom Bombadil: (disappears)

Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad", and I'm all set.
Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.
Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight.
Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.
Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?
Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?
Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you.

Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?
Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.
Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-
Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.
Strider: Go away, bad men!
Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!
Merry: That was easy.
Pippin: Don't knock it.
Sam: Elves are cool!
Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.
Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!
Legolas: Same for me!
Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.
Gandalf: But I just got here.
Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.
Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!

Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so-
[THUD]
Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?
Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?
Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.
Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.
Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.
Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.
Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.
Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]
Sam: Such magic.

Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!
Gimli: Boo hoo.
Pippin: HEY MONSTERS, COME AND GET US!!
Gandalf: Twit.
Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?
Boromir: (Slash)
Legolas: (Pfft)
Gimli: (Whack)
Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.
Frodo: Ouch!
Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!
Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?
Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.
Gandalf: We are so doomed.
Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)
Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)
hobbits: (already in the lead)
Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!
Legolas: We don't have to . . .
Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.
Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)
Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!
Frodo: I'm over it.
Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.

Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!
Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.
Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.
Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.
Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?
Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.
Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.
Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!
Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.
Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.
Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.
Celeborn: Check-out time!

Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-
Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.
Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.

Boromir: Give me the ring.
Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.
Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)
Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world.
Sam: Works for me. (they leave)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)
Pippin: Christ, look at the *size* of these guys, we're dead meat.
Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . .miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)
SuperOrcs: Kill kill kill!
Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.
Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.
Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction.
Legolas: Okay.
Gimli: Sure.

THE END

Hope this is what you meant Forrester

If not then I probably look quite foolish right now

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Lady Starhawk