[Humor] New WotC book: Unearthed Unobtainium

Simplicity · 9th October 2002, 01:05 AM

WotC is coming out with a new book: Unearthed Unobtainium. It'll be filled with artifacts so EVIL and so POWERFUL that you can be sure that you'll never see them in play.

Items like the deadly Appendix of Vecna, or the ever so valuable
Thingamabob of Kwalish. Are your players feeling bored? Well, why not provide them with yet another item to compare their +1 swords to? Yes, your players will be itching to get their hands
on a Dancing Sword of Flaming Electrocution... Just tell them... only 15 more levels to go!

It's artifact-level items like these that give your low-level parties a reason for living. So, while they're killing goblins and picking up measly rings of protection, why not taunt them with a Ring of Epic Spell Manipulation with Hands-Free operation?

There's also a chapter filled with stats on monsters so
NASTY and so DEADLY that they kill most epic-level parties with a snap of their fingers. Yes, your players will certainly attempt to run in terror when they meet these terrible beasts. Each one of them is a guaranteed TPK.... But the fun doesn't stop there!
You'll even find monsters that love to ressurrect fallen parties just so they can kill them all over again.

A perfect book for staring at, admiring the incredible high-level play, and then placing on your shelf, never to be touched again.

Mark · 9th October 2002, 01:19 AM

LOL!

Quote:

Originally posted by Simplicity
WotC is coming out with a new book: Unearthed Unobtainium.

A perfect book for staring at, admiring the incredible high-level play, and then placing on your shelf, never to be touched again.

I've had mine on order for years!

alsih2o · 9th October 2002, 01:45 AM

can i assume the cost is equally shocking?

Mark · 9th October 2002, 03:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by alsih2o
can i assume the cost is equally shocking?

Despite the wait, it is a subscription that begins upon ordering...

Skullfyre · 9th October 2002, 03:31 AM

Sign me up!!!!

oh oh oh do they have the right big toe of vecna?
I hear that the power of toe jam is in it.

Savage Wombat · 9th October 2002, 04:27 PM

Are you sure you aren't thinking of SJGames' MUNCHKIN line?

Simplicity · 9th October 2002, 08:46 PM

Okay, here we go... Chapter 6: Monsters

Chunk-Demon Template
Becomes Gargantuan Outsider
HD becomes 30d10 + 60
hp becomes 240
AC +20 deflection
Loses all attacks
Loses all regeneration/fast healing special qualities, but gains Degeneration 10
Gains supernatural ability Bone Shard Swarm (1/round) (6d10 slashing damage in 20' radius area around creature). Ref 20 for half.

Chunk-Demons are swarms of infernal organic matter that
used to be a normal demon, but are kept from reforming at all
via magic. This template can be applied to any medium-sized or larger demon. A chunk-demon has learned to master it's cloud-like swarm of bone and gristle. It will
surround and puree most adventuring parties in little to no time.
It is impossible to kill a chunk demon via the normal means, in fact, when encountered, a chunk demon usually has only 1 hitpoint. However, a chunk-demon can never fall to 0 or lower hitpoints by any means. In fact, hurting a chunk demon only spreads it around more (usually making it stronger). In addition, a chunk-demon that is not fully healed will actually degenerate (lose hitpoints) each round and reform into a cloud of bits and pieces. Only by healing a chunk-demon into a single entity again (by bringing it up to full hitpoints) can the chunk demon then be destroyed as a normal demon. A fully healed chunk-demon looses it's chunk-demon template and reverts into a normal demon again.

Good Dog/Bad Dog
HD 10d6 + 20 each
hp 55 each
AC 28 (+13 natural, +5 Dex)
Atks +10 melee touch (15 positive energy, good dog), +10 melee touch (15 negative energy, bad dog)
SQ Singularly immune

Good Dog/Bad Dogs look like two separate entities, but they are actually a single being linked on the Ethereal plane. The Good dog portion looks to be a noble hound, while the Bad Dog portion looks more like a rabid wolf. The noble hound portion looks for people who appear relatively unwounded. It has a touch attack which applies positive energy, attempting to raise its victims hitpoints too high, and causing the victim to burst from positive energy. The rabid wolf portion has a touch attack which causes negative energy damage, which is far more direct at killing its victim. The good dog and bad dog can only be one mile apart from one another in the material plane. The good dog/bad dog's greatest defense is its complete immunity to anything that only damages one of them. In order to damage a good dog/bad dog both must be damaged simultaneously. For example, fireballs that hit both dogs will work, as will magic missiles, two separate attacks on the same round (even from different people) will not work however. Because of this, you will find that most good dog/bad dogs like to keep a reasonable distance between their two sides....

Celebrim · 9th October 2002, 09:05 PM

I'd never buy the Unearthed Unobtanium because I heard that they made the Unnatural Beast Lord of Vlarg a mere CR 132, which is not nearly l33t and kewl enough for my party. Heck, he is a full 4 CR lower than his tradiational foe the Unhappy Minister of Pain! He's a total wimp! I don't even think he could defeat the Remote Gaurdians of the Wall of Dreams! What a joke!!!!!!

The monsters that were published in Joe's Ultimate Tome of the Ubsurdly Potent where much tougher. The team over at Joe's has alot more respect for the monsters. They aren't concerned about things like having the monsters in campaigns, turning the Lords of the Ultimate Unhappy Place into villians to be opposed by mere mortals, or otherwise doing something ridiculous like using the monster! The Joe team doesn't encourage DM's to blasphemously oppose mere mortals like PC's with the Unnatural Beast Lord of Vlarg. People have to understand that that should be a TPK every time no matter how high of level the PC's are!!!!!!!!!!! The proper place for the Unnatural Beast Lord of Vlarg is within the pages of the Ultimate Tome of the Potent were they can be admired and feared by players the world over as they deserve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TSR is really a sell out by trying to encourage referees to actually USE the products the make and sell by only putting the CR of the Unnatural Beast Lord of Vlarg at 132. And don't get me started on how broken the CR system is or how poorly TSR assigns CR's above 46. The Icky Thing of Fassheess has a CR of just 78 and it could probably wipe the floor with the Unhappy minister of pain!!!

A gaming company that really understood gamers and wasn't ran by big $uits wouldn't actually expect the products that they sell to be anything like useful.