Help me pitch a novel.

[RangerWickett]

I'm working on a pitch to send to a novel agent. I would like feedback, please. The situation I detail did occur, but I've blanked out the names.


Dear xx,

In my job at Emory University’s health library, I have a passing acquaintance with xx, whom you represent, and recently I had the occasion to give him the thirty second pitch for The Diamond Crescent, my fantasy novel about unemployed heroes trying to find a job. Mr. xx said he thought it sounded like something people would be interested in, and recommended I get in touch with you.

While they live in a world of traditional sword & sorcery, Allar and his adventuring coworkers see heroic quests as just another paycheck. But when they screw up their latest venture, spark an international incident, and get their employer-patron arrested, they have to find a way to turn their generally unmarketable skills of killing monsters and looting ancient tombs into a new job.

Going from heroes to unemployed leads one of Allar’s coworkers to doubt herself, another to long for his life back home, while Allar has to confront his childhood racism after he rescues Trini, a young woman whose people Allar was taught to hate, and who rather likes the idea of becoming a professional adventurer herself. They’re stuck with each other and caught up in a threatening mystery they’re not getting paid to deal with, as strange dreamborn monsters keep showing up everywhere they go.

The Diamond Crescent mixes fantasy adventure with the challenge every person faces to overcome unfulfilled hopes and find new dreams to pursue. Fantasy readers, especially the new generation of post-college job-seekers looking for their place in the world, will find they have a lot in common with these heroes.

Over the past six years I have carved out a niche in the online role-playing game publishing field, writing seven rulebooks for the small press E.N. Publishing, with whom I also produced and co-wrote the 12-part epic adventure series War of the Burning Sky. I had two print rulebooks published by Mystic Eye Games in 2002, and a few of my articles have been accepted by the industry-prominent Paizo Publishing. I have found heroic fantasy equal parts work and adventure.

The Diamond Crescent is 190,000 words and is my first novel. Please let me know if you’d like to see a synopsis and three chapters, or the complete manuscript.

Sincerely,

xx My name xx

[Dannyalcatraz]

Most of my work in law has been in music, with some tangents into entertainment marketing. I think I can help.

1) Keep the cover letter short & sweet. You have 15-30 seconds to make an impression- IMHO, your letter is a bit long. Keep the portion about knowing xx, but drop how you know the person. If xx wants to, xx can mention that tidbit if asked.

2) Move your paragraph starting "Over the past six years..." out of there. Rework the info and include it attached in a separate, single-page resume. Include everything, including your work at Emory.

3) Ditto the plot synopsis- separate it from the body of your cover letter. When you do so, make sure you note that your work is not tied to any extant game setting or other IP- given your work history in the RPG industry, that is a question that could come up. Nobody wants to publish work connected to another company's IP.

4) If xx is willing, get a letter of recommendation or some such, preferably to xx's agent or some other person within the company you're contacting.

[Dannyalcatraz]

Originally Posted by Dannyalcatraz

4) If xx is willing, get a letter of recommendation or some such, preferably to xx's agent or some other person within the company you're contacting.

I meant to add that a letter of introduction is more likely, and probably just as good.

An in person introduction, though, would be like gold.

[RangerWickett]

Unfortunately, I don't know the guy that well. I've just helped out in his research.

The suggestions I have seen online all pointed to having at least a paragraph of plot overview, and no one mentioned anything about including a resume. I agree that my letter is too long, but I don't want to have separate pages. The advice on the agents own page suggested sending a query letter and the first 10 pages of the novel.

And some of the IP is inspired by stuff I did with my RPG work, but I've made sure to differentiate it enough, I feel.

I'll ponder this, and thanks. I would like more opinions, though.