Leaving Buffalo

Some you may have read previous posts about how I have a social anxiety disorder (20 years this spring) and depression (we've all seen the Zoloft commercials with the little oval peoplel things talking about it) and how things have not been easy for me since my divorce: friends abaondoned me, ex hooked up with another woman, got engaged and married in a bit over two years, trouble having a job, making friends, blah blah blah. The way I was treated did a lot of damage: damage on top of being an emotional mess. Well, I was doing pretty good, although lately I've been having a bit of a rough spot, when I stumble onto the ex's forum site this weekend and find out they just had a kid (the ex can never be straight with me, and while I know he didn't have to let me know about this, it would have been nicer that bumping into it online or into someone on the street), and it was the straw that broke my back. I stayed in Buffalo because it had MUCH more to offer than the town I grew up in like colleges, transportation, job oppurtunities, but I just can't hack it on my own anymore. I am just so tired. I just can't seem to get things to click and it's not that I don't try. I take my meds, I see a therapist, a shrink, try to figure out ways through and around my disability (and I have been found to bad enough to be considered disabled by several different places). I sometimes think of killing myself, I can't help but have it pop in my mind sometimes. Being this way for so long wears on you and I can't help thinking, "things would be easier, my parents wouldn't worry, or have to help me money wise." I think about it all the time and it scares me, but I can't, because I can't do that to my parents and because I'm just to much of a coward.
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I may not be around much during the next few months. This place being here has been a big help. I haven't played D&D in years, but the people here are so nice and even if we're just talking about gross soda pop, it's the most social interaction I get most of the time.
I'll try to let you all know when I'm settled. I'm moving in w/ my parents sometime before March w/ my cat going to stay with relatives. Hopefully, I, and the cat, will be able to find an affordable place near them and a job as soon as possible, although I can't rush things cause mistakes with my health are made that way. I'm going down for the holidays (have to board the cat
) cause I can't spend them alone. So, if anyone can spare a bit of luck, I'd REALLY appreciate it. I hope everybody has a really great holiday season & thanx for listening to my depressing, rambly post. Here's to a great 2005 for us all!

Good luck.

It will get better - I promise.

AuroraGyps said:

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Some you may have read previous posts about how I have a social anxiety disorder (20 years this spring) and depression
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I sometimes think of killing myself, I can't help but have it pop in my mind sometimes.

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If you have 30 minutes to waste for reading stuff online, I heavily suggest to read this website: Primal Therapy.com. You are not alone having problems, and though I hate to have admit it on these boards, I have too. I did some therapy in the past, and did read a LOT of books on psychology and else. Then I did read this website and knew it was for me! Thereafter I did find a therapist where I live, and I must tell you: it works incredibly well!! My life improved a lot! The only problem though: it can cost a lot of money...

Most therapy costs a lot.

AuroraGyps, I'm going to assume you're female. Otherwise, your ex leaving for another woman would be a double-blow, I'm sure.

If I could recommend anything, it would be to try to start gaming again. The social interaction would do you good, and if you are indeed female, then there are certainly plenty of eligible bachelors in the world of gaming. Not only will gaming give you something to look forward to every week, but it will allow you to meet new people, get you outside, and boost your self-confidence and social skills.

And remember, suicide is never the answer, but I think you've come to that same conclusion for yourself.

*hug*

Good luck, AG. A change of scenery can make a huge difference in life, from my experience (not that moving is always the solution, but sometimes it can really help you start over). Since moving forces you to alter your current lifestyle, it's a good time to initiate changes that you've been meaning to. And with the holidays coming, it sounds like being closer to family will do you a world of good.

Once you move, make sure to hook up with another therapist and shrink where ever you go (where is that? you don't mention it here). Another important thing is to try more than one. If you had a great physical ailment, people would recommend getting a second opinion, well I recommend it for your emotional health as well.

When my ex and I were having marital troubles we saw a bunch (probably a half dozen) of different counselors, therapists, etc. before finding the right ones. For us, the solution was divorce but it went well and we are still civil, if not downright friendly. With the previous counselors, we mostly felt like we were just twisting in the wind, without gaining any insight or answers. Seeing different therapists helped me see how vastly different therapists' approaches can be, and different ones strike a chord with different people.

Also, self-help books can be good to. Some will bore you, or leave you cold, but if you find one that strikes a chord within you, it will more than be worth the search.

Gaming, like Die Kluge says, can also be theraputic. If your social anxiety disorder prevents face-to-face gaming, play by e-mail, play by post or play by chat games could be lots of fun, without having to leave the security of home. (Hope this advice makes sense, as I admit my ignorance about social anxiety disorder.)

You already have the first answer; keep getting up every day and keep in practice being alive. No one can control the thoughts which jump into our heads, but we can attempt to control our reactions to them. Don't EVER give up. You are NEVER alone. Things WILL get better.

-Dave

Aurora!,well Im sure I know who you are as you used to hang with me in high school for a bit. Well now that you hit the bottom you can only go up! come back to the neighborhood, relax and get it all back in line. As for your Ex,,no sweat some of us never figured out why you graced him with your presence anyway. His sarcasm is why some of us didnt like to hang out with that group anyway. Besides Buffalo is too damn cold.
As for me Im leaving for NC to take a job, the area is soo much more built u
p now. I came back from a little "camping trip" overseas with the marines and was like hmm where did that part of the town come from?
(warning!!!! there is a new stop sign at the bottom of putnam, i didnt know and the lady i almost hit had some kind words and gestures for me. (must of been Italian) lol
once i get down there Ill post my email for ya, in the meantime im always posting here.
I mean it dont dwell on the past, especially one person, NOBODY is worth that much time,we all do stupid things in life, good god i know Ive done a lot! lol.....hmm cant post that stuff here.
Well we all made mistakes, Im sorry we didnt hang out as much as we should of during High school. I didnt care for one of your friends though, hint, hint the cat lady my neighbor!
Come back relax, get a job that youll LIKE! and do some gaming with a good group, or play online. Once i start back up ill get you going with one. Until then, Ill be looking out for your post! Have a good holiday, remember your never alone just more free to do what you want!

one more note

BTW all this girl is one of the girl gamers who make them good gamers, she was one of my first players back in the old red and blue box days!

Ampolitor said:

BTW all this girl is one of the girl gamers who make them good gamers, she was one of my first players back in the old red and blue box days!

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You have no idea how much your words mean to me. When you send me your e-mail, I go into a bit more detail of why I've had such a hard time. It's not that he left me, it's how I was treated. Mostly, it just hurts that he comes up smelling like roses (all the friends went with him, and a he has family in less than 3 years) after leaving a relationship that we both made mistakes in, while I've been struggling like crazy. My having a social disorder doesn't help... getting treated the way I was was like taking an alcholic to one of those warehouse liquor stores.

Anyways, I'm coming down Fri. Mom's coming up tommorow to come get me (I'm such a mess, I can't even handle the train). Unfortunately, I have to board the kitty at the vet cause their new dog, a pit bull (shhh! don't tell the neighborhood ) doesn't like cats and I'm afraid of an accident.
I can't believe I'm moving down when you're moving to NC... my timing sucks.

Thanks all for the kind words. I never really want to give up. The reason I stayed in Buffalo was was because it has so much to offer (Ampolitor can back me up, our home town doesn't have much, although it is growing). It's just that sometimes, I am SO tired and everything just wears me down. But now, what this city has, just doesn't mean much since I'm so lonely.

PS:Ampolitor, if you think your gaming group can handle me and vise versa, give me their e-mail addresses. I haven't played D&D in 4 years, but gaming is like riding a bicycle.... it's the hanging with people I'm rusty with.