Come Undone

Bhryn Astairre · Aug 15, 2004

A page taken from a diary it appears, the date curled in small unreadable runes into one corner which glitter as the light ghosts over it, a darkened silver. The paper is white but made from a strange substance, as if the pressing process included small lavendar flowers that lend the paper spots of colour here and there. The writing over it is in simple black ink, smudged by an incareful hand here and there but by no means making the page unreadable. Only blurred by emotion:

There's just silence, such sad silence
Where words filled the gaps.
I don't know and I don't care
Why, where... or even mayhaps.
They say it's alright because I'm here
I'm not dead: but it's gone.
It's all gone and I wonder, I fear
Where I'll drift next, alone.

There's only faces I don't know anymore
In my head, they're dead:
A stupid cliche upon their pouting lips
But not one hears what I said.
They say it's alright because she's safe,
She's happier where she is.
It's all burnt away in the hatred
Of who I am, you know this.

So God, do you hear me?
Do you know who I am?
Can you hear me, can you save me?
Come on, God, here I am.

There's no rhyming or a reason
Just the flash of brief love.
I don't know why this happened, sincere
My heart crumbles. Up above
You can stay warm and safe, stay
Where you don't know life.
A little grief won't shatter the heart
Of a woman born to strife.

Cup the silence to my ears and surround
The dark cries of dreams.
Fall over with a sad little smile, breathe out:
This can't be what it seems.
You can stay right where you want
But I cant stay here.
Tool of a city, pawn of a cold God:
But I must leave there.

So God, do you know me?
Do you fear who I am?
Can you hear me, can you save me?
Come on, God, here I am.
Oh great Lord, I don't know me,
Distant, cold star.
You can't hear me, nor save me:
Only regret what you are.

So come on God...
Can you save me?

~ -;-@ ~

Bhryn Astairre · Aug 24, 2004

Another note underpins this, the paper much the same as previously but the ink red instead.

When will I be the one to walk into Heaven?
The answer for me isn't in a light Reborn.
I'll keep searching and living for a reason,
But when I'm answered, I'll repair what is torn.
They can say it'll all get better as time goes on;
But what I committed will forever leave scars.
Stay and wait, but the ghost is not gone.
You'll be the one who watches me from afar.

Be the foundation for a world of pain
And build up the castles of my heartache
Until they arch through the bleeding sky.
Be the prologue for a novel of flame
And douse the world with cleansed fire. Make
It real and make it true. Don't make it lie.
Accidentally anywhere but this home right here
Wandered too far but never so near...

When will I be the one who knows the Stories?
I can sing but I'm tuneless and in a minor
For all those tales of woe that crowd in glories:
I'll never know a sharp pain so rich or finer.
I see your eyes in the blue of the rivers
And your hair in every coin that passes my hand.
I'll never hear music in my soul, it shivers:
I'll only be chasing ghosts through every land.

Be the opening act of an emotional play
With masks and scenes to set people to tears
So their hands press tightly to their hearts.
Be the ending dirge for a life ordinary
And yet so alive with love and fears:
Til the day a cruel woman took it apart.
Accidentally everywhere and always in my dreams,
I wish for a day that will never return to me...

When will I know how to rest Eternal?
Tell me my child, when will I be the one who is done?
I carry a heart of lead through a world Infernal
That knows only sorrow and has lost all it's fun.
In the beginning there was myself and all was right:
A sword and a shield made of faith were my might.
I met someone to love, and then along came you,
Now my world is broken as you fled this night.

Be the one I will never get out of my head
And the one of which I will always grieve:
But they know that this fear is neverending.
But darling, be the one who heals the dead
Parts of my life. Be my only reprieve
From a bad dream that I wake from, shivering.
Accidentally nowhere is where I sink down below,
And you have gone somewhere I cannot follow...

Bhryn Astairre · Sep 11, 2004

Another torn page of the diary hung suspended on a thorn, the writing a deep blue, to the point of being midnight black. The words are written carefully onto the paper with each letter formed in perfect love.

Fall above the cloudless earth and watch it roll away;
What kind of slipstream bothers my mind today?
There's always going to those usual dreams and schemes
It feels unreal and I'm delirious with daydreams.
Hold onto my hands and I'll lift you higher
Above and beyond this dark world and the mire
Of everyday life. So lie down in the air and drift
With only me as your safety net and your sole lift.

Waiting for you to gasp and pull away
As the dawn slowly slips further from today:
Waiting for me to wake and fall from the aether
Downward tumble to the ground to save her:
Wake up slowly and breathe in,
Only a dream and she will not come.
Wake up slowly and breathe out,
Only a shadow and she will not come.

Every night I feel hung on the pensive edge
Of a reality I once knew beyond boundless ledges.
Now the steps to my mind you walk around long
And tease my torn senses with a siren song.
How can I live those primal feelings: inside are free
When with pity I can only see you, how you saw me.
A woman shielded and a future handed over
But you said nothing only watched me tumble closer.

Waiting for you to say a single word:
Any single word would have stayed my sword.
Waiting for my life to shatter:
Why is everything such a damned disaster?
Wake up slowly and breathe in,
Only a memory and she will not come.
Wake up slowly and breathe out,
Only a visionary and she will not come.

The falling clouds and the lifting world
The swell of the choir on the spilt wish unfurled,
The vague impression of your hand on my face,
The tomorrow today becomes a yesterday's pace:
Lie down and never leave for I'm tied here forever,
Lie down and never leave for I'm paralysed
And waiting here for you with nothing but fear, ever.
Turn out the lights and dream under cloudless sky.

Only a memory and she will not come.
Only a dream:
And she will not come.

Bhryn Astairre · Sep 15, 2004

Come fly away from this world
It's colder.
The warm sun has left so long ago.
Your dreams now have wings
To solder
Onto pathways of starlight, so go.

Come fly away from this world
It's broken.
The people can only hate and hate again.
The same old reasons are
Just a token.
Take it back and fly from where you've lain.

Come fly away from this world
It doesn't need you.
Your time in this land has fallen short.
The faces are all the same and
You are still true:
Too good for a land where dark cavorts.

Come fly away from this world
It's colder
And yet you want to stay despite the chill.
I miss your sweet smile in the dawn
For I am older.
Flown away from me, yet perfect still.

~ Bhryn xxx

Bhryn Astairre · Oct 5, 2004

I had a dream of you and I,
We walked beneath an aqua sky
As free as the dawn wind.
I had a vision of your face
But no wise words can replace
What we left behind:

A dream you gave me that was supposed to be,
A bushel of words trip and fall away.
Their poison leaking as a cliché, so free:
I can't understand what I did that day.

So I wait for you to turn my world over,
I wait for you to wake me up.
I wait for your answer in the dying sunset,
I wait for a memory in my coffee cup.
So I wait for my smile to find a rightful home,
I wait for silence in the dark:
I wait for the letter or message from you,
I wait for time to heal my heart.

I had a day that passed by me,
When you were still my baby:
Happiness of days spent in sloth.
But the days have passed since
And run faster towards no existence:
You were cut from my own cloth...

There aren't any spells nor tricks to turn time,
Nor quell the swell of seasons turning on.
I'll forever think of you as my daughter, mine:
But truth so bitter remains, you are gone.

So I wait for a moment in a year,
I wait for a feeling to pass.
I wait for a night without weeping
I wait for a security to last.
So I wait for you to rest in peace
As I lie here wishing in the dark:
Sleep easy and dream of me and you
As I always will in my forsaken heart.

Bhryn Astairre · Oct 17, 2004

It's come to be a circle once again,
With work the one who holds the whips and chains:
Tied me down so I could not breathe,
A pretty bird in a cage, never to be freed.
It's turned around and made it all the same
With every step a memory of pain:
I sleep and wake and sleep to find a way
To escape what my life is consumed by each day:

I didn't want to be the one,
Who came here after hours.
I didn't want to be the one,
Who came here after hours.
I have no choice, I have no voice
In which to curse the darkened sun:
Oh look what a mess I've made
Of myself, I've come undone.

Forward, backwards: take a step or two
But direction doesn't matter, not to you:
Push me onward and push me when I fall,
A helpless slave to the trade of stress after all.
I have no chances left nor a hand to roll dice,
Nor a mind to question what became of men and mice?
I have a place and I have a frozen time:
After all, I'm the one left standing in this cage of mine:

I didn't want to be the one
Who was always left to bear.
I didn't want to be the one
Who was always left to bear.
I have no voice, I have no choice
I have no open road, it's gone:
Oh look what a mess I've made
Of myself, I've come undone.

Who is this girl who has stolen my dreams?
Nothing is any longer what it appears to be:
I'm stuck in this sad circle of unbreaking fate,
So come and release myself before it's too late.
I had a memory of when this was all fun,
But look at me now, I've come undone.

~ -;-@ ~

Bhryn Astairre · Oct 23, 2004

See all my rainbows and my bright daydreams
With curtailed passion for you, you alone:
I cannot decipher what the wind keens
But know deep inside that you are my home.
Where youth struck blindly with arrows of love
At eyes not open to see true love's face:
A hand to fit into yours like a glove
And a heart laid out, so please rent this space.
Tangle your kisses onto my cold skin
Where heat disperses with lack of your touch:
Stay with me and rest here, I'll let you in
To the secret dark places, loved so much.
A world apart and traded by cruel Fate:
Stars above rotates as for you, I wait.

Bhryn Astairre · Nov 26, 2004

Friends Over Walls

A distant star that shines on those who had dreamed
Of a world without a wall:
To climb over nor seperate the nations
That would make up their entire world.
But this wall was built by hands
That laid every brick and mortar filled:
They made it so high it could reach the sky
Where above the clouds milled.

Across one side stood others who
Did not know why they made a breach:
Questioned each and every day
Why their friends had begun to preach?
Was there not some shred of memory
That remained to keep them strong?
Or was it forgotten in a wave of hate
As time had simply worn on.

The years went by and soon that wall
Was covered in notes and words:
An unsung song, a fettered rose
A poem spoke eloquently in verse.
But paper nor the thorns of plants
Could tear down what they had made
And neither could the winding love
Into those cracks pervade.

Who would make and bear a thing
To keep apart two friends in life?
A wall made only to distance
Has just caused much heartfelt strife.
Distant as the stars that had once
Blessed them for their dreams:
A friendship overshadowed by a chasm
Bridged not by moonbeams.

So the days and the nights came
And went as before:
Only now they lacked the lustre
That had filled them, nevermore.
Think twice before you speak in anger
And build a wall up high:
You never know how many smiles
You'll miss when you take such a tithe.

You'll never see the face of heaven
Nor capture in the sweep of dusk:
Just what it means to have no walls,
No boundaries to hem in love.
Little by little you'll understand,
You'll take apart that breach:
Close together, friends forever
You'll find eternity underneath.

Bhryn Astairre · Dec 1, 2004

A poem and a Diary excerpt

Another delicate post on crackled yellow paper that smells and hints of lemons.

I have seen forever
In the face of my child.
I know Death
Is only a heartbeat from my
Doorstep: and yet
I go to war
Gladly.
What is it that I see
In the eyes
Of frightened soldiers?
A harboured spirit
That can never rest
Until a deed is done.
You'll raise a hand
In anger
But not go back on what
You mean.
Violence and blood were
There when she smiled
So sweetly at me.
Time heals all
They say.
They all say it heals
A hollow heart
Where ruins remain of a once
Perfect world.
"I am free,"
She said to me
With only the faintest of
Breaths to die
As soon as given life.
Free?
Then sleep and dream
No more of this world
Or of the sins you
Were made to bear because I
Could not.
I saw it there when
She closed her eyes:
Eternity questioned
In a thousand white lies.

~ Bhryn

another note, written in a different hand:

If today is to be a good day
Then it be bright with love.
If tomorrow is nothing
Then I will have had today
To dream about the future.
Yesterday is when I dreamed
Of the tomorrow that is
Today. Each passing day reminds
Me that uncertain life is all
We have to show for our cares.
Yet in Hope and Memory lie
Our greatest gifts:
The dreams of Hope build
Everything from souls to empires.
The Memory of what we lose with
The rising sun keeps us smiling.
If I should not see another tomorrow
From today, then think of me
Yesterday and dream of your future:
For I have dreamed mine, and
Today, now, is all I have.

Alantie.

Bhryn Astairre · Dec 23, 2004

Take a break from
All that rains and makes this season
A festive whirl.
To contemplate what takes
And breaks us: endures inside
Our fragile souls.
Is not into the warmed glass
Of cheery bliss that we name
Spiced mulled wine:
Nor is it found in the kiss
Shared beneath a bough
Of Mistletoe 'twine.
By not a fire nor a bed;
Not in the ring of fork
Onto flooded plate.
Neither in the company
Nor the preaching but
In one single state:
Into the meaning of
The feeling we inject
A harmonious song:
A warmth and splendour
To endeavour: a love
That is seasonally strong.
So not in love
Nor in the way we share
A single glance or smile.
This is the moment of our ages
That will endure
For a while.