Let's Write a Bad Module

This is from an idea based on this thread. I proposed that we could collectively write a bad OD&D module that was worse than the one we were examining. It doesn't have to be OD&D actually, but it kinda gives it that nostalgic feel that we all love (1st edition feel indeed!)

So here is my proposal. Each poster contributes one encounter. Here are the rules, any of which can be broken to make your encounter more enjoyable (to us) if need be.

0. There is no plot. Well, there is a plot, but it doesn't make any sense. You have no obligation to fix any plot holes created by yourself or others.

1. The encounter does not need to make any sense, either internally or externally, to the rest of the adventure. In fact, it's probably better if it makes little sense at all.

2. Make liberal use of inconsistent stats, characters, names, places, etc. It still needs to be funny, so if we have no clue at all what's going on, it may just be utterly confusing and not funny. Use your best judgment here. Or don't.

3. You may refer to prior encounters and/or confuse your encounter with a prior encounter if you like.

4. Make sure to number your encounter in sequence.

That's it. I'll post the DM's Background to get everyone started. I'll let someone else post the Players' Introduction, and then we'll get straight into the encounters (1, 2, 3, etc).

DM's Introduction

THE TIDES OF WAR
DM'S INTRODUCTION

There is a war brewing between the forces of Good and Evil. To the west are the armies of the Kingdom of Tuman, who are good. They would not think of doing evil. To the north are the armies of the Kingdom of Hant, who are evil. They are neither good nor neutral, and are generally thought to be evil and despicable. These kingdoms have a long-standing dislike for one another, and are not on diplomatic terms. They are at war, but are not currently fighting and not at peace.

The people of Tuman are known as the Goodfolk and are warm and generous. They wear pointy hats to brunch and have apples on occasion. They like clowns and barbecue, which is hated by the Hant. All of their cities on the southern coast are ruled by minor nobles, all of whom are fishermen. There is a lake in the southwest which is thought to be haunted. There is a great deal of logging in the north. The King of Tuman, Sheldeon, is gracious and would never send his people into battle except against their hated enemies or anyone invading their kingdom, or those who would insult the throne.

On the contrary, the people of Hant are evil. They do not wear pointy hats. The armies of Hant are known to ride horses into battle and stick their enemies with spears. Hantish armies burn down villages and kill women and children. Their footmen wield axes and do not wear heavy armor. Only footmen kill the women and children, while the horsemen are always in charge of burning down villages. King Daid of Hant likes to watch prisoners die, often torturing them to gain information. He especially likes to do this to prisoners from Tuman. Along the southern coast, Hantish cities are fortified and walled, and do not allow those from Tuman to enter.

Despite the tentative peace between Hant and Tuman, there is trouble brewing. King Daid of Hant has captured a Tumanish visitor to the city of Crumblepost, and taken her to Shardblood Castle, where all such prisoners are taken. This visitor just happens to be Lady Orvela, who is betrothed to Prince Shanor of Tuman. King Sheldeon of Tuman is worried that Lady Orvela may not be returned to Tuman or may be killed. Thus, King Sheldeon wants to convince adventurers to sneak into Crumblepost and rescue his future daughter-in-law. But the king doesn't want word to get out that Lady Orvela may be killed, so he won't tell the adventurers exactly what has transpired until after they have agreed.

There is considerable concern that if Lady Orvela is killed, King Sheldeon might start a war with Hant. This would interrupt the fishing season as well as the apple crop. There is also the matter of the Great Holiday Festival, which starts any day now. The people of Tuman look forward to this festival, and the king does not want it delayed.

The PCs, of course, are the adventurers who answer the call to duty. They must appear before Prince Nagle of Tuman and accept his quest to rescue Lady Orvela from the clutches of the evil Hant and King Daid.

EDIT: Initially, this plot made too much sense. This has been corrected.

PLAYERS' INTRODUCTION

You are all sitting in an otherwise empty tavern when you notice a dark and hooded figure looking at you from a dark corner of the inn. Note that his face is kept hidden under the hood. The barmaid pretends to not see anyone there, but you know better.

Then, as you cast a Detect Evil spell or paladin ability to scan the mysterious stranger, and don't detect anything, a scroll magically appears in his hands and slowly flies toward you. It opens while levitating 3 feet away from you. As you tentatively cast a fireball to avoid the curse it may bear, the inn is set afire, but the scroll remains intact. Then, you cannot but read it, and this is a summon spell from a well known wizard.

So, as you stuggle to get free from the magic and fail your saves*, you cannot do anything and are suddenly teleported in front of a very powerful wizard, seemingly miles away in a room with only thee doors. The place reeks of power, and the guy has a blue robe full of seemingly living eyes. He also has a wand in his left hand and a cristal ball in the other. Beyond his desk you notice a statue exquisitely crafted like it was a living creature made of stone (black obsidian).

(*: and no, I am not railroading anything)

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(now to encounter #1)

Encounter 1.

Read the boxed text aloud to the players:
[box]You are in a 12 foot by twelve foot square room. There is a desk in the middle of the room with an old wizard sitting behind it. He says his name is Gomezatron. He has tasked you with finding the prince of the Hant and the princess of the the goodpeople.

He tells you that there are two doors befor you and that you must choose which door to go through. One will bring you to the path to the prince the other to the path to the princess.

He wishes you good luck and disappears in a cloud of smoke.[/box]

There are two doors leading out of the room. If the players investigate the desk they will find that the center drawer has a false bottom and underneith is a map of the kingdom. On the back of the map is a list of adventuring gear and groceries.

The drawer on the left is traped. If opened the character opening the drawer mus make a save vs poision or take 3d4 points of damage from the cloud of dust released from the drawer. Otherwise the drawer is empty.

The left door opens to a dark smelly cave. The door to the right opens to a pleasent alpine medow. Once a door is opened all the characters are teleported to that location.

Edit: The statue is worth 500gp and weighs 200lbs

Encounter 2:

Whatever exit do the players choose lead them in fact to the same place.

1) Dark Smelly Cave: While you get attuned to the obscurity, you notice three skeletons of dogs ahead of you in this 9 feet large by 15 feet long by 5 feet high room. Behind them is a door. The skeletons are of course undead who attack you when you have moved 4 feet ahead. Since the ceiling is so low, all those who are not small sized suffer a -2 penalty to all their attack rolls. A natural 1 means you just hit your nearest ally for half damage.

Once you've slain the skeletons, if you get the idea of crushing their skulls, dog #2 has a dagger +1 in it. This was the dagger of Grandugh the Thief, and is very important later in the story. The door is locked but can otherwise be broken albeit at a -2 penalty. Failing to break the door provokes a cave-in that deals 3d12 of damage to the PCs. Opening the lock (DC 17) does not provoke a cave-in.

Behind that door is another room just described in the following post. Then, once you leave that other room (the one with orcs and hobgoblins), you finally reach the same Alpine Meadow as below.

2) Pleasant Alpine Meadow: All around you are very high mountains covered in snow. Then, to the right is a crow who speaks English and says "The daaager of Graaandugh" three times. He then flies away. If you follow him you come by a tunnel that lead into the cave described above. If you came from there in the first place, you cannot go back in it since there was a cave-in after you left (it it didn't already happened when trying to bash the door).

Other than that, there is a track heading to the north. If you succeed a Spot check at DC 32, you notice a small hut to the west. entering the hut is a staircase that goes below. See description of encounter 4 for more info).

Encounter 2 - Left Door - Dark Smelly Cave

Read the boxed text aloud to the players:

[box] You appear in a dark smelly cave and there is no sign of the door you came through. The cave appears to be 36 feet wide (north to south) and about 3 times as long. There is one opening at the far west end of the cave. Standing before you are some orcs and a few Hobgolbins.[/box]

Click to expand...

In this room are 2d4 Orcs and 1d4 Hobgoblins, they will attack with a surprise round as soon as the players enter.

Stats:
Orcs Str12, Dex 12, Con 12, Int 4, Wis 4, Cha 12; Dam 1d8+1 (longsword); AC: 14 Leather armor;To Hit +4; Treasure 1d4 Pearls 10gp, 1d2 gold, 1d4+1 silver, 10 copper; Longsword, leather armor.

Hobgoblins Str 14, Dex 10, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 8, Cha 16; Dam 2d6 +2 (Sharp Pointy Stick); AC 13 Leather Armor; To Hit +6; Treasure 1d4 Opals 25gp, 1d4+1 gold, 1d6+2 silver, 25 copper, Sharp Pointy Stick, Leather Armor.

If the players defeat the orcs and hobgoblins they will find a chest in the cave that contains a silver goblet and 2 matched copper rings. None of the treasure radiates magic.
A search check DC 1 will reveal a dagger stuck in a large rock at the back of the cave. It is a Dagger +1 of Stonecutting. (Will not cut anything but stone, only usable to do 1d4+1 to stone. Worth 500gp to a skilled jeweler.)
A second search check DC 25 will find a bed hidden behind another rock, under that bed is a very small (2 inches long) axe (AXE OF MORGOSH) on a necklace. Value 2gp.
The cave is otherwise empty.

Encounter 3: Attack of the Imp:

The party has an unexpected encounter with a surprising imp. Roll 1d12 to determine who has the imp on his shoulder. 1: A fighter, 2: a Wizard, 3: a Rogue and so on. Roll until a character is chosen. If there is more than one character of the same class the character with the earliest birthday has the imp. If two characters have the same birthday then the character who says "not it" first is it. The other characters see the imp, and so does the first character, unless he can't see. Read the following:

You see an unexpected imp appear suddenly on your shoulder unless you can't see. The imp is red and has bat-like wings and a long tail that is also red but not as red as you would expect a red imp to be. The imp smells like peanut butter, and is holding a quill pen

Click to expand...

The imp is not hostile but will attack immediately. Use the standard stats for an imp; if you don't have the stats for an imp use the stats for a dragon and divide by four.

When the party kills the imp, it will die. It has no treasure aside from the pen, which is worthless unless it is touched. The pen will then turn into a magic pen of scribing, worth 1000 gold.

Encounter 4: Room of Peril
If the PCs listen at the door, they hear a rhythmic beat, as if music was playing behind the door. Which, in fact it is. The music that is, not the door. The door plays nothing and is otherwise a normal mundane door, designed solely for the purposes of opening and closing, allowing and/or denying egress and ingress. The door has no musical talent, magical or otherwise. This should come as no surprise, as many are of the belief that the Doors have no musical talent anyway, and the organ solos are way too long. The door is not locked, although there is a lock. The lock simply isn’t engaged. Nor is the lock married. PCs can check it out if they wish. But it’s not locked. And not married. Or engaged. In fact, the lock has decided to sort of lay low for a while and just see various people as friends.

When the PCs’ enter, read the following allowed:

“You enter a 30’x30’ room, and all of your jaws drop collectively as your eyes and ears are treated to a site you haven’t ever heard before. Deployed about the room are nine badgers, standing up right, and appearing to be dancing. There’s a door opposite the door you came in, on the north wall. That is, the door’s on the north wall. You came in through the south door.

"The floor is made of dressed stone, which means that the stones have been worked into blocks by human hands, or demi-human hands. The hard stone floor is ideal for walking on, though it may hurt if a character falls down on it. The floor is rather clean.

“In the northeast corner are two myconid (mushroom men), who are playing musical instruments. The dancing badgers are dancing to the musical tunes played by the performing myconid mushroom men. The beat is catchy…”

Each PC must now make a saving throw versus Otto’s Irresistable Dance, or commence dancing along with the badgers. This continues for 1d6 hours, as the mushroom men can play a lot, since they’re really good musicians.

Unfortunately, the first five foot square beyond the door is a trap pressure plate. If anyone steps on it without first deactivating it, a trap door opens in the ceiling and a large poisonous hungry venomous snake drops on top of the stepping victims. This is a trap.

If the PCs can talk to the badgers by means of a Speak With Animals spell, that is fine. The badgers are otherwise friendly; but they just gotta dance. Little do the PCs know that the badgers are actually the devoted followers of the half-drow, half-dragon werebadger psionic monk/assassin divine champion of Lolth, encountered later on in the adventure. And the badgers won’t let on about their allegiance.

The mushroom men offer know clues as well, but they sautee nicely with some butter and garlic, if the PCs feel so inclined. Everyone in the room is a non-combatant, and won’t fight.

There’s no treasure in this room, unless youre PCs really like mushrooms.

However, if anyone checks the empty trap area where the poisonous hungry venomous snake dropped out from, they find a small 5’x5’ air-tight cubby hole with an old orc skull inside it. Inside the orc skull is a +2 longswrod and a riddle on a parchment. The riddle is as follows:

Adventurers brave, stop and hear
There’s no time to drink your beer
This dungeon’s only for the brave
If the princess you want to save
But before this room you all will pass
This note will proceed to fry your…

Then the Explosive Runes spell goes off.

Sammy the Snake: Str 14, Dex 17, Con 14, Int 1, Wis 8, Cha 12; Dam 1d4 (Fangs, plus 1d20 poison); AC 14; To Hit +4; Treasure None.

Oh God, this is so *authentic*. I'm getting that "1E feel" all over me!

Encounter 5: The magic pool.

This room features a magic pool or fountain.

The room is 20x20 with a sandy floor covered in sand, and the walls are of stone with carvings of nymphs and wererats but no dragons. In the middle of the room is a fountain or perhaps a pool, 10 feet across and it is circular all the way around and only 2 feet deep. In the pool is a clear, colorless liquid that appears to be water. Scattered in the water are gold coins. Some are gold and some are silver. You hear no sound other than the sounds that are typical in the dungeon, such as rats, bats, and goats.

Click to expand...

The fountain is guarded by a huge monstrous scorpion which attacks the party as soon as they get within reach of the pool. GIANT STAG BEETLE Large Vermin Hit Dice: 7d8+21 (52 hp) Initiative: +0 Speed: 20 ft. (4 squares) Armor Class: 19 (–1 size, +10 natural), touch 9, flat-footed 19 Base Attack/Grapple: +5/+15 Attack: Bite +10 melee (4d6+9) Full Attack: Bite +10 melee (4d6+9) Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft. Special Attacks: Trample 2d8+3 Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., vermin traits Saves: Fort +8, Ref +2, Will +2 Abilities: Str 23, Dex 10, Con 17, Int —, Wis 10, Cha 9 Challenge Rating: 4 Alignment: Always neutral. Trample (Ex): Reflex half DC 19. The save DC is Strength-based.

When the party has killed the scorpion they can examine the pool and the water. The gold coins are all gold, silver, and copper coins, 100 each for a total of 700 coins. The water of the pool is magical but only while it is in the round circular pool, not if it is taken out of the pool. Any water taken out will lose its magical effects immediately, 1d4 hours later.

The door to this room is trapped with a spear trap, DC 27 to find. Roll 1d6 for the number of spears and they strike a random character and do 1d8 damage unless they miss.