Let's Write a Bad Module

Sidebar: Due to strong magical incantations set up along the borders by mages in the service of the nobility, light spells of any kind do not work in the Kingdom of Hant. Likewise, darkness spells of any kind do not work in the Kingdom of Tuman. Also, detection spells of any kind do not work in either kingdom, but no one knows why.

And what would a module like this be without...

Dungeon Random Encounter Table
There is a 1 in 6 chance every turn for exploring characters to encounter a random wandering monster encounter.

If there’s more than 8 characters, the chance goes up to 2 in 6.

If any of the characters had beans for dinner several hours before, the chance goes up to 3 in 6.

Roll a d20 and consult the Random Wandering Monster Chart

1- 2d4 orcs
2- Gelatinous cube
3- 3d4 goblins
4- Green Slime
5- Protein Polymorph
6- A rock
7- A roc
8- 2 Flumphs locked in passionate embrace
9- Balrog
10- Ancient Huge Red Dragon
11- Githyanki
12- NewYork Yankee
13- Red Slaad
14- Green Slaad
15- Tuna Slaad
16- 1d4 Space Hamsters
17- Shambling Mound
18- 10d20 Small Spiders
19- Lich*
20- A small gnome clutching a golden idol runs by, pursued by 34 hand crossbow-wielding kobolds, each wearing an armband with a crooked cross on it. As the gnome dashes by, he winks at you and gives you a “Thumbs up” signal.

*If the PCs have indeed eaten beans several hours ago, replace with a Stinking Cloud spell.

Ecounter 6: Orc and Pie

Read the boxed text aloud:

On the far side of the magic pool, there's a sturdy door. It opens to reveal a 10' x 10' x 10' room. There's an angry-looking orc in the middle of the room. He is armed with a hand axe. On a plate in the far right corner of the room, there is a hot pie. The room is otherwise empty.

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The orc attacks as the characters enter the room. If they defeat the orc and search his body, they find 4SP and 1 GP in his pockets. They can take his hand axe as well.

The pie is a chicken and vegetable one in a creamy sauce. If the party casts detect magic, the pie radiates slightly as it has been baked with a potion of healing as one of its ingredients. If a character eats the pie, he regains up to d8 hit points that he may have previously lost. The plate is worth 12GP.

There is no oven, fire-pit or other mundane means of heating a pie in this room.

Typo

StupidSmurf said:

And what would a module like this be without...

Dungeon Random Encounter Table

1- 2d4 orcs

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I think this is a typo. Shouldn't that read:

1- 2d4 Orcus

???


/M

Encounter 7 - Opposite side of the orc and pie room, Locked door appears after the pie is taken - Dark Smelly Cave

Read the boxed text aloud to the players:

[box] You appear in a dark smelly cave and there is no sign of the door you came through. The cave appears to be 34 feet wide (north to south) and about 2 and 1/2 times as long. There is one opening at the far west end of the cave. Standing before you are some orcs and a few Hobgolbins.[/box]

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In this room are 2d4 Orcs and 1d4 Hobgoblins, they will attack with a surprise round as soon as the players enter.

Stats:
Orcs Str12, Dex 12, Con 12, Int 4, Wis 4, Cha 12; Dam 1d8+1 (longsword); AC: 14 Leather armor;To Hit +4; Treasure 1d4 Pearls 10gp, 1d2 gold, 1d4+1 silver, 10 copper; Longsword, leather armor.

Hobgoblins Str 14, Dex 10, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 8, Cha 16; Dam 2d6 +2 (Sharp Pointy Stick); AC 13 Leather Armor; To Hit +6; Treasure 1d4 Opals 25gp, 1d4+1 gold, 1d6+2 silver, 25 copper, Sharp Pointy Stick, Leather Armor.

If the players defeat the orcs and hobgoblins they will find a chest in the cave that contains a 2 silver Rings and a small butter knife.
The cave is otherwise empty.

Encounter 8

[box]After stepping through the cave opening, you see a huge chasm that is filled with lava. The lava radiates evil. If you look at the lava, you must make a save vs. breath weapon or take 1d6 points of Wisdom damage. On the far side of the lava is a cryohydra, and behind the cryohydra is a giant axe on the wall.[/box]

The cryohyrda speaks and offers you the chance to escape with your lives. If the PCs attack, he will attack back, laughing the whole time.

"Foolish mortals! I cannot be killed by any blade other than the AXE OF MORGOSH!" he will say, as every blow landed by the PCs glances off him.

If a PC tries to take the axe off the wall behind him, roll 1d12. This is how many rounds it will take to pry it off. When the PC does get the axe off the wall, he will find out that it is a cursed vorpal axe, and he will turn against his party, unless he makes a save vs. petrification. Even if he does make the save, the axe will not hurt the cryohydra, for it is not the AXE OF MORGOSH.

The only way for the PCs to beat the cryohyrda is to have picked up the AXE OF MORGOSH that was hidden under the bed in encounter 2 or the bat in encounter 27.

If they did pick up the axe, they simply have to hold it aloft and shout, "AXE OF MORGOSH! Defeat mine enemies!" Then the axe will fly out of their hands and slice off each of the hydra's heads, which are worth 1000gp ea.

Once the cryohydra is dead, the lava will drain out of the room, revealing a long staircase that descends into darkness.

Encounter 9: The six sided die

As the party escapes from the toothless hag, they enter this frigid area. Read the following text:

I can’t frigging believe you smucks are still playing this adventure. In the cold room is a wooden table with a single six-sided die resting upon it. Also, there is a doorknob in the room.

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The doorknob is in the secret compartment beneath the stack of Sears catalogs, and would not think of stealing from or cheating a character.

If the players examine the six-sided-die, they notice that is contains exactly six sides. The die is unarmed, and thus it is impossible to determine if it is a pilgrim or wayfarer. Encourage the players to roll the die to see what it does. One good way to do this is to tell them that they cannot leave the room until they all roll the die (this is not true.) Another method is to threaten the players with castration unless they roll the die (this is true.)

When the players roll the die, the characters are affected in specific ways;

-On a 1 or 5, the character’s maximum carrying capacity is reduced by half.
-On a 2 or 6, the character’s charisma is doubled while his intelligence is reduced to 3.
-On a 3 or 4, the character may never again joke or sing loudly, and a random character somewhere in the world loses his favorite pet.
-On a 5 or 2, the character falls asleep, but his gold is not stolen.
-On a 7, this entire module is destroyed.

Regardless of whether the players decide to roll or become castrated, the six-sided-die attacks them after the last character has rolled.

Dice (AC 1-6 [random]; MV 1-6; HD 1-6; hp 1-6; #AT 1-6; Dmg 1-6 [randomness]; % Lair 1-6%) The die will attack until slain, but will NOT stop attacking if the party is slain. It will find the next party the players roll up and immediately attack them as well.

After the battle, the party may leave, not leave, or take the doorknob which deals 4d10 damage against anything that escapes into secret passages.

A gnome who has watched this encounter from the shadows reveals himself as the party leaves. He warns them about the existence of weredice, then dramatically gives himself a mortal paper cut with a Sears catalog.

Encounter 10: Orc and Pie (note: yes, this is cut and pasted from the illustrious Zander's post.... this in an intentional repeat).

Read the boxed text aloud:

On the far side of the magic pool, there's a sturdy door. It opens to reveal a 10' x 10' x 10' room. There's an angry-looking orc in the middle of the room. He is armed with a hand axe. On a plate in the far right corner of the room, there is a hot pie. The room is otherwise empty.

Click to expand...

The orc attacks as the characters enter the room. If they defeat the orc and search his body, they find 4SP and 1 GP in his pockets. They can take his hand axe as well.

The pie is a chicken and vegetable one in a creamy sauce. If the party casts detect magic, the pie radiates slightly as it has been baked with a potion of healing as one of its ingredients. If a character eats the pie, he regains up to d8 hit points that he may have previously lost. The plate is worth 12GP.

There is no oven, fire-pit or other mundane means of heating a pie in this room.

11. North of the badgers' room is a corridor connected to the badger's room by the door in the north wall of the badger's room which is also the door at the southern end of the corridor. If PCs stop to listen to this door, the door will not say anything but will feel it is among friends.

The corridor is 2" wide (that's 25mm figure scale; the actual width of the corridor is 2 meters). The ceiling is directly above the floor and parallel to it but this is of no significance to the adventure.

Read the following text to the players:
"You see a remarkably clean corridor receding to the north with no features whatsoever." (Show the players Illustration A from Appendix B of this module to help clarify what they see).

If the PCs advance beyond the spot marked X on the map, they will incur the wrath of a very large carrion crawler that has made a liar out of the area. The crawler is not hungry but not completely full, despite the fact that it has recently eaten the gelatinous cube that used to patrol this area.

Crawler, Carrion 3 HD, 40 hp, AC 4; Attacks: 8 tenticles d1 + paralysis; jaws 1d4+1.

If the carrion crawler is defeated, the gelatinous cube will escape through the largest wound (see "Comparitive Wound Sizes of Weapons", Dragon Magazine #7) and attack the party. Vaguely visible within the cube is a skeletal humanoid figure grasping some sort of edged weapon, possibly a scimitar, tulwar, falchion, or saber. Roll 1d4 on the following table to see how each PC interprets the weapon:

1 = scimitar
2 = tulwar
3 = falchion
4 = katana


Cube, Gelatinous 4 HD, 45 hp, AC9; Attacks: corrosive gelatin 1d6/round.

If the carrion crawler is defeated, the skeleton within it will come to life and attack the party.

Skeleton, Animated 1 HD, 7 hp, AC 7; Attacks: rapier 1d6. Edged weapons and arrows only do 1/2 damage.

The bastard sword carried by the skeleton is a +1 longsword. Hidden in the pommel is a secret compartment that contains a tiny scroll with the words "GAR-YGY-GAX-RUL-ES!". If these words are spoken while the PC is standing on the coruscating dais in Area 78, a great cheer will arise from the surrounding air, having no other effect than to contribute to the atmosphere of mystery so essential to a successful adventure.

When the characters reach the spot marked Y, they will trigger a teleport that places them in Hant's giant ant gladiatorial arena (Area 104). The corridor soon ends at an iron-bound door with neither an air of menace or friendliness about it.

Encounter 12 - Toothless Hag

[Text Box]You have defeated the dreaded were-die, and the carrion-Gelatinous-Skeleton of doom, and the orc and pie, and now you see before you a glowing door. The door sighs with satisfaction and opens to allow you entrance. It sighs with satisfaction again upon closing. In your mind you hear a slightly annoyed voice say 'Bloody satisfied doors'. When you gain enough sense to actively look at the room behind the door you feel a wind at your back and notice that the door is going up into the ceiling. There is now no discernable way out of the room. As you again gain the insight to look at the room ahead of you an old woman comes and starts to gnaw on the leg of (Insert a random character name here). Due to her having no teeth there is no damage inflicted. However she has the grip of a 25 year old Mr. Universe winner and feels like she is stuck there or the long haul.

The old woman looks up at the person on whom's leg she is gnawing and he/she/it hears in their mind the following 'When is a door not a light?'. The correct answer is 'Alternating tuesdays in march'. The old woman will not let go until the players figure out her riddle.....Bloody hell Am I still in textbox mode....the hag dies and you are teleported to encounter 13[/Text Box]

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