Maure Money [min. spoilers, max. humor]

The following is a dramatization of my current Maure Castle campaign. It involves real, experienced, players facing one of the most deadly dungeons in the history of DnD. If you have never played Maure Castle from Dungeon 112 or Mordenkainen's Fantastic Adventure from 1st edition, this story contains some spoilers, but I am attempting to keep this spoiler light. Those who have played, DMed or read the adventure will probably get the most out of this series.
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Maure Money: Episode One
Smoking Hemp

Prologue:
Hired by the Archmage Manzorian, our heroes have successfully opened the... er... Unopenable Doors with (of all things) a key and penetrated the uppermost level of Not-Maure Castle. After a short bout of exploration, the party composed of Celene (W5/F1/EK7), Marcus (C13), Bobnobble (Gnome W13) and Eldarion (Elf R/13) has managed to find a glowing green chalice atop a strange amber fountain...

GLOWING CHALICE turns orange/amber at the party's approach.

MARCUS: HOLD UP! I don't like the look of that... if it turns red, run for your life.

After a breathless minute, the GLOWING CHALLICE turns cobalt blue.

BOBNOBBLE: Phew, that was close.

ELDARION: Could be worth something... -looks in the pool but can't see the bottom- Hey, Celene, hold the end of this rope, would you? I'm going to see how deep this thing is.

CELENE: I could just cast fly and grab it.

ELDARION: No need to waste the spell just yet...

GLOWING CHALLICE turns sparkling gold.

MARCUS: Guys, it's getting warmer again...

BOBNOBBLE: I could grab it with Mage Hand if it's non-magical.

MARCUS: Bob... it's glowing... I think it's magic.

BOBNOBBLE: You could be right.

ELDARION: -wraps one end of his silk rope around his waist and starts feeding it into the pool... one foot... two feet...-

GLOWING CHALLICE turns silver.

BOBNOBBLE: What's that mean?

MARCUS: I think we're confusing it.

BOBNOBBLE: Heck, we're even confusing me...

ELDARION: -ten feet...- Ok, that's waaaaaay too deep for comfort. Time for a new plan, guys... -pulls rope out of the water, after one inch it ends in a burning hot cinder- Oh, fnark.

MARCUS: That rope's coming out of your party treasure.

GLOWING CHALLICE turns yellow.

CELENE: Uh... guys...

ELDARION: What do you mean, coming out of MY treasure?!? That could have been my leg!

MARCUS: I can regenerate your leg, I can't make a rope out of nothing.

ELDARION: So, you're saying I can amputate my leg any time I like, but I can't destroy my equipment?

MARCUS: Well, I'd keep it down to one leg, I've only got one Regen scroll. But yes.

GLOWING CHALLICE turns amber.

CELENE: Really guys... I think it's getting angry...

ELDARION (yelling): ARE YOU CRAZY?!?

MARCUS: Not at all. If you'd taken a hemp rope, we could at least have smoked it. Silk's expensive.

BOBNOBBLE: Aside from it being the wrong type of hemp, Marcus, I'd like to point out that your Regen Scroll's more expensive than the Silk Rope. Eldarion actually saved us money by not using his leg.

GLOWING CHALLICE turns sparking gold.

CELENE: -starts backing away- we REALLY need to be going now...

MARCUS: -torn between admitting he's wrong and being tight-fisted- Well... you know what's going to happen now, right? One day soon, probably in this dungeon, he's going to fall into a pit. The next thing we'll hear is someone shouting out saying: 'Guys? The good news is I'm still alive. The bad news is, this pit's 50 foot deep...'

ELDARION: Oh, come on, one of you guys has to have a spare rope, right?

Both Bob and Marcus shake their heads.

ELDARION: Oh, sh-

GLOWING CHALICE turns red!

ALL: AAAAARGH! RUN FOR IT!!!

The whole party scarpers for the nearest corner and dives around it. After a few moments of nothing happening, Eldarion peeks around the corner.

ELDARION: *phew* green again. Guess we just dodged that one, eh mates?


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The events of these episodes are true, with only slight embelishment to enhance the humor of the situations depicted. All stories are depicted from the character's point of view to protect the guilty.

Maure Money: Episode 2
The Co-operative Nuke

Prologue:
After a peaceful encounter with a short, rotund, arabian rug merchant called Arley the Weaver (secretly stealing all his rugs and tapestries and interrupting his personal time with his hooker of hashish) in the depths of Not-Maure Castle, our heroes backtracked to some side corridors in order to portect their flank from possible attack. Walking down a well-used corridor, they come to a side door.

ELDARION: -listens at the door- I can hear scratching. I don't like the sound of that.

BOBNOBBLE: Celene, you memorized Clairvoyance today.

Nodding, Celene casts the spell.

CELENE: There are some humanoid things... six of them... black all over, eyes like the void...

BOBNOBBLE: Ergh, Bodaks. Marcus, you're up.

MARCUS: No way, folks. One look and we're toast, I wouldn't want to bet the farm on my turning skills alone, not with six of them.

BOBNOBBLE: -shrugs- one fireball ain't going to do it. Maybe we should just seal the door somehow and leave well enough alone. Anyone got Mage Lock?

Everyone shakes their heads.

CELENE: Ok, I don't want to leave these things behind us anyway. I've got a fireball too, will that be enough? Both at once?

BOBNOBBLE: I... don't... know...

MARCUS: All right, I took Fire Seeds today. All three at once should do it. Agreed?

Everyone nods, then takes position. ELDARION grasps the door handle, ready to fling the door open and hide behind it.

ELDARION: Allright, on three... oneeee... twwwwwo... waaait for it... THREE!

Meanwhile, Arley the Weaver is sitting in his voluptuous divan, blissfully puffing on his hooker. Suddenly, a great explosion shakes the whole dungeon, dust and plaster raining from the cieling. Arley leaps to his feet, whirling like he's got levels in Dervish, gets his feet tangled up in his hooker and takes a hard fall. When the earth finally stops shaking, he blinks at the roof.

ARLEY: Woah... I shouldn't have smoked that crack earlier, I guess.

Maure Money: Episode 3
It's Actually a Very Good Golem, Really.

Prologue:
After a few misadventures in some totally empty rooms, our heroes discover a gigantic room seperated from the rest of the dungeon by an enormous curtain. Across the colossal chamber, three statues grace a platform. To either side are audience stands. A line of statues, each different from the other, stands near the curtain, parrallel to it.

ELDARION: -examines the statue of a beggar, which seems to be pointing to the three statues on the dais- I know what this is.

CELENE: You do?

ELDARION: Yeah, this is a temple to some sort of crazy god. Look here, this beggar statue's pointing at the dais. I think it's a clue.

BOBNOBBLE: Clue to what?

ELDEARION: Don't you see? The beggar symbolizes humility! That big iron statue is obviously the supreme god of whatever pantheon these people worshipped.

MARCUS: It's not any religion I'm familiar with.

ELDARION: -sticks his tongue out- What would you know?

MARCUS: (sotto voice) I am a cleric...

ELDARION: Anyway, obviously we've got to approach the deity on our hands and knees like a beggar. That way, we'll get all these godly blessings and be ready to tackle the next level. Come on, follow me.

ELDARION immediately gets on his hands and knees and starts crawling the approximately 75 feet of cold stone floor. Everyone else follows at a discreet distance, still standing.

BOBNOBBLE: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

ELDARION: Absolutely.

CELENE: It's an awful long way to crawl like that...

ELDARION: What? You think the Gods are going to make getting their ultimate blessing easy?

MARCUS: I still don't think this has any religious significance.

ELDARION: Bite me, you're just jealous.

MARCUS: -straight faced- what?

ELDARION: That's right, I'm going to be the favored servant of the all-powerful deity of smiting evil and you're not. Watch and weep, sucker.

MARCUS: ...

Finally, the companions reach the bottom of the stairway up the dais. The huge iron statue of the 'diety' atop it remains motionless.

ELDARION: Ok... obviiously, I've got to crawl up the steps.

CELENE: What do you think that thing is? The suprememe God of masocism?

ELDARION: It is carrying a whip...

CELENE: Of feathers. Maybe it's the God of Painful Tickling.

ELDARION: Ha-ha. Watch this...

Upon ELDARION touching the first step of the stairway, the giant iron statue animates, leaps to its feet, charges down the steps, and cleaves ELDARION across the back with its crystaline sword. The elven rogue immediately turns photosynthesis green and dies.

ALL THAT ARE LEFT: FNARK!!!

CELENE: Well, that didn't tickle...

BOBNOBBLE: <WALL OF FORCE!> Ok, that should buy us some time. Marcus, grab that doofus and Ressurect him, if you please.

MARCUS: -Resurrects Eldarion- You'll have to pay for that scroll, you know.

ELDARION: -mumbles something under his breath about fickle gods-

CELENE: How long will that hold it?

BOBNOBBLE: 13 minutes. Shall we run or do we have a plan?

MARCUS: How tall's the barrier?

BOBNOBBLE: About 30 feet.

MARCUS: I have a few flasks of acid... Eldarion, make yourself useful. Run up the walls and drop these on it. Then start using your arrows. I tell you what, if you manage to take it down, we'll re-name you Godslayer.

ELDARION: -curses under his breath but, deflated, does as ordered-

Almost thirteen minutes later...

ELDARION: Guys... I've run out of arrows and it's still going!

CELENE: How many did it take?

ELDARION: Twenty from my quiver... one hundred from my Bag of Holding...

BOBNOBBLE: Plan B, guys. My wall's not gonna last much longer. Time to run...

CELENE: Hang on, I've got one last thing to try... <GREATER DISPEL MAGIC!>

The GOLEM shudders to a halt, cracks, and keels over, lifeless.

ELDARION: &%(#@*&%@()*@&%@()*&@()!!!

Maure Money: Episode 4
It's Tyrg... TYRG! T-Y-R-G...

Prologue:
A rest stop and a few teleports later to replace their losses, our heroes have descended one level and scraped a huge Tyrg off their boots only to discover yet another Tapestry...

MARCUS: Ok, guys, remember this level's deeper down, so in all likelihood it'll be much harder than the last. The moment we let our guard down something will kill us, Eldarion has to check everything before we so much as breathe on it. Agreed?

Everyone nods.

BOBNOBBLE: -checks out the tapestry- Definitely Arley's work. Should fetch what, Marcus? 1000gp?

MARCUS: More like 2500.

CELENE: I can't believe you sold the Succubus tapestry. That thing was, like, EVIL.

MARCUS: It was worth money. I was caught between the moral choice of destroying evil or taking evil's money to give to the poor, starving, orphan children of my parish.

CELENE: You spent the money on Resurrection Scrolls.

MARCUS: Ah, but it's vitally important that we survive. If we're not alive, who will donate huge ammounts of money to our church in order that we can feed and clothe the poor, starving, orphan children?

CELENE: So next time we're going to give our money to the orphans?

MARCUS: Now, hold on there. We may need more Resurrection Scrolls.

CELENE: -rubs her temples- So... exactly how are we helping the little orphans?

MARCUS: I gave them a whole batch of IOUs. They're heartily looking forward to us delivering the million gp I promised them.

BOBNOBBLE: -chokes- WHAT? I hope that's coming out of your share of the treasure.

MARCUS: -looks down gravely on his short companion- You would deprive poor, starving, orphans of gold for your own base nature?

BOBNOBBLE: Look, pal, I'm as charitible as the next adventurer. But Celene and I have magical research to do...

MARCUS: Ah, well, in the interests of advancing science, I'm sure the orphans would be happy to recieve your IOUs. I'll deliver them the same time I deliver mine.

CELENE: I thought you worship Pelor, God of Goodness and Light.

MARCUS: Oh, yes, but my order, The Holy Order of Church Accountants and Treasurers, takes a different tac to the rest of the orthodox religion.

ELDARION: Don't bother arguing, guys, he's an expert in Theology. I'm thinking of taking holy orders myself from his example.

MARCUS: Bless you, my son. Ok, enough of this, we need to get this tapestry back to town to we can start calculating the value of our IOU to the starving orphans...

MARCUS reefs down the tapestry, revealing three Glyph Traps of Instant Death. Everyone except MARCUS dies. Sighing, the cleric uses his last three scrolls of Resurection to bring back the whole party.

MARCUS: You know the cost of those scrolls is coming out of your shares of the treasure.

BOBNOBBLE: That's ok, here's our IOUs...

Hah! Nice stories.

By the way,

Ipissimus said:

... his hooker of hashish ... blissfully puffing on his hooker

Click to expand...

I think you mean hookah. Not that there's anything wrong with puffing on a hooker of hashish, of course, though it can tough to get enough of the stuff in her

Thanks for the spell check, will remember for next time.