I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

Piratecat · Aug 27, 2002

Hey! If you're in my game, go somewhere else! Shoo!

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Okay. I have a dwarven jester NPC, and I'm desperately looking for in-game jokes. You know, things like....

Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

or

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.

... and the like. Can you help? The jokes don't have to be funny, but it would be great if they weren't too anachronistic. Meta-jokes are good, too... things like this:

A female zombie walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. After a minute, a really drunk bar patron comes over to her, leers, and says, "Dang, you're ugly, but I'll still sleep wi' ye!"

The zombie shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I'm immune to critical hits."

Thanks!

Dagger75 · Aug 27, 2002

Q: Where are you when Vrock pushes you against a wall??

A: A Vrock and a hard place

Thank you, I'm here till Thursday

Xarlen · Aug 27, 2002

What do you call a mage duel?

A spelling B.

WayneLigon · Aug 27, 2002

Well, I assume all 'rock' puns are off limits, so....

An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"

The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."

DrSkull · Aug 27, 2002

How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
A. Only one, but it only "appears" to be lit

How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three, one to count the money, one to light the candle and one to check for sliding stone panels.

How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.

How many trolls does it take to light a candle?
A. only one, but he's very, very careful

Rune · Aug 27, 2002

WayneLigon said:
Well, I assume all 'rock' puns are off limits, so....

An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"

The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."

Simply beautiful!

Kilmore · Aug 27, 2002

What sound does a dwarven god make falling down the stairs?

CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin CLANGEDIN clangedin

BiggusGeekus · Aug 27, 2002

An FR joke:

Q: What do you call a good looking woman on the Dragon Coast?
A: A tourist.

Teflon Billy · Aug 27, 2002

What did the Judge say to the Halfling Rogue?

"Will the defendant please rise..."

Old Fezziwig · Aug 27, 2002

The first might be a trifle long, and the last one's pretty terrible, but here are three:
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Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a rather large ship. Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful. Then the third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack. Somehow the dwarves manage to get into one of the life boats.

So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it.

Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish.

Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale."

The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm. After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any.

"Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?"

"Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat."
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A Cleric of Pelor somehow gets separated from his party deep inside a cave. Turning around a dark corner, he bumps into a fairly good sized black dragon. Frightened out of his wits, he drops to his knees and starts praying to Pelor. Oddly, the dragon does the same. The cleric leaps up, dancing, shouting "I'm saved!" The dragon cocks his head and says, "No, you don't understand...I'm saying 'Grace.'"
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Myconid walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."

The myconid says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
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best,
tKL