... you might be an adventurer.

Andor · Sep 5, 2008

(with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

If your sword is worth more than the village you grew up in, you might be an adventurer.

If you can identify your teammates by their internal organs, you might be an adventurer.

If the only time you see your closest friends and familly members is at hostage negotiations, you might be an adventurer.

If you can swear fluently in languages not native to your home plane of existence, you might be an adventurer.

If you have ever contemplated the commercial potential of bringing a sack-of-holding full of Brasso to an Efreeti city, you might be an adventurer.

If you have ever seriously considered conquering a nation because it would be easier than explaining what you need to the current rulers, you might be an adventurer.

If you have ever commited genocide and asked for a bonus, you might be an adventurer.

If you have ever asked "Do you have change for the Head of Vecna?", you might be an adventurer.

If you have ever seen a wave of goblins come screaming out of the woods with axes and swords raised while foam flies from their tusks and thought "Oh good, I was almost out of beer money.", you might be an adventurer.

Vorput · Sep 5, 2008

Andor said:
If you have ever seriously considered conquering a nation because it would be easier than explaining what you need to the current rulers, you might be an adventurer.

Heh, my PCs have been in that situation before...

Henry · Sep 5, 2008

If the trunk of your car includes ten foot poles, coils of rope, and hammers and spikes as "emergency supplies", you just might be an adventurer.

If you've ever backstabbed an enemy with a ballista, you just might be an adventurer.

If your cellphone includes speed dials for Elminster, Mordenkainen, and Dalamar, you just might be ~~Ed Greenwood~~ an Adventurer.

If your Pest Control Contract includes clauses for Carrion Crawlers and Rot Grubs, you might be an adventurer.

If 2 x 2 equals x3, you might be an adventurer.

If your stock portfolio is measured in Platinum Pieces, you might be an adventurer.

Dragonhelm · Sep 5, 2008

If you have a table permanently reserved for you at the local tavern, you might be an adventurer.

If said tavern has a sandwich named after you or your party, you might be an adventurer.

If a cat bites you and you die, you might be an adventuring wizard.

If the thought of the Temple of Elemental Evil is more appealing than going home to your wife, you might be an adventurer.

If you can't hold a job because you like crawling through dusty old dungeons and fighting monsters, you might be an adventurer.

If getting a promotion requires experience points, you might be an adventurer.

And (with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)...

If your nipple was ever bitten off by a dire beaver, you might be an adventurer.

Weregrognard · Sep 5, 2008

If you have a home town but no actual home, you might be an adventurer...or a hobo.

If your idea of "roughing it" is sleeping without armor on, you might be an adventurer.

If you called off your engagement because you needed the the diamond ring to raise you from the dead, you might be an adventurer.

If you've ever had to call an EOD team to read some arcane text, you might be an adventurer.

If you've ever bought an entire petting zoo to deal with traps, you might be an adventurer.

If your insurance policy covers the following: paralyzation, poison, death rays, petrification, polymorph, breath weapon, and/or spells, you might be an adventurer.

ExploderWizard · Sep 5, 2008

If you carry a sword smarter than you, then you might be an adventurer.

RangerWickett · Sep 5, 2008

ExploderWizard said:
If you carry a sword smarter than you, then you might be an adventurer.

. . . or a redneck.

Hussar · Sep 5, 2008

Funny.

If you several hours examining the cracks in the flagstone floor you might be an adventurer.

If you have gone years between bathroom breaks you might be an adventurer

If you have iron rations older than your children you might be an adventurer

If you know what "Bree yark" means, you might be an adventurer.

If you can carry several times your own bodyweight in a backpack and not slow down, you might be an adventurer.

If you have spent a king's ransom on a sword but are still wearing the same clothes you had when you moved out of your parent's house, you might be an adventurer.

If you've had to spend more money than the GNP of small nations on professional training, you might be an adventurer.

Mustrum_Ridcully · Sep 5, 2008

You might be... if ... jokes stopped being funny 5 years ago!

Sorry, was just trying to know how it feels to say something like that. But I can't seem to get the appeal.

Back to your regularly scheduled thread of humor.

You might be an adventurer ...
- if you listen at every door before you try to open it...
- if you carefully inspect the door knob before opening the door...
- if you don't have the key to a door, you will bash it in instead of searching for the key in your other pocket...

ExploderWizard · Sep 5, 2008

If you pull a bottle of strange liquid from beneath a pile of dragon dung, then taste it, you might be an adventurer.

If you are not concerned about your behavior in town because you can kill everyone in it, then you might be an adventuer.

If a razor-toothed slobbering troll attacking in the middle of the night is what you call an "annoying disturbance", then you might be an adventurer.