My wife won't let me play D&D.

JERandall said:

My wife's specific objection is that playing D&D takes too much time, time that I could be spending with her or "doing something useful." She gets practically enraged about the fact that the other guys want to play on the weekend. (I might be able to talk her into letting me play on a weekday, but that's irrelevant because the other guys can't do it then.)

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As opposed to other guys who do 'guy' things on Sundays, such as watching football, drinking, and strip clubs, to name a few.

Or even typical movie nights take about the same amount of time. At least with RPGs you aren't letting both your mind and body vegitate.

[*]Playing up the friendships at stake. In other words, these are my friends and I want to spend time with them. Playing D&D is how we pass our time together - it's a very social game.

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This works best when they're -her- friends too. Relationships are just plain better that way, IMO (assuming you have a good group of friends, of course).

[*]Inviting her to observe a session. Haven't done this because (1) we are a bit rambunctious when we play (swear a lot, for example) and therefor (2) I am afraid of what her reaction would be to observing us.

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Sometimes this is the only way to go. Best done sometime after the above.

[*]Patiently explaining what D&D is like by comparing it to things she appreciates. For example, emphasizing the problem-solving aspects of D&D which compare to similar features in board games that she likes.

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Explaining D&D comes out dorky unless you get witty, and getting witty is probably not what you want to do here (well, too witty, anyway).
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I have had the very exact thing happen to me. Just to give you some background I recently left a church and was very depressed. Gaming was the only ecscape I had. We had a new baby. I played weekly from about 6 to 11-12ish on fridaynights. My wife stayed home.

Here is what I did wrong:
1. I used gaming as a crutch. I sould of leaned on her.
2. I would read gaming books whenever I had spare time as I don't like watching tv. So when I was home I was not mentaly with her.
3. I would have an argument every week with her which shot the weekend. I needed to game, but I couldn't get her to understand.
4. She thought I was a Jock untill we got married. I'm very active but she never saw the amount of time I read, she felt kinda like she didn't know me. It is hard to REALLY get to know somebody till you live together. She knew I gamed and even went a couple of times.


After getting through what I had to mentaly things got better. We learned to talk this and other things out. We are still married 3 kids now and very happy.

I only game every other week. I don't run a game anymore. I make sure I spend time with her. If she really wants to do something once and awhile on game night will spend the time with her. She respects this and does not take advantage. The biggest issue was time. I only gamed 1 a week for 5-6 hours but I was involved at home with the game too much. She felt I did not pay attention to her enough.

My advice:
1) Talk and try to her find out what the real issue is. It looks like a quality time issue.
2) Limit the game to once every other week. My wife does not like going to bed without me so I make sure I am home by 1am.
3) Sometimes come home early 10-11ish and bring flowers, wine, favorite candy, favorite movie etc. Show her you appreciate the time she lets you have.
4) Don't force her to game, go to the game, socialize with the other wives. My wife is shy and very attractive. After having 3 kids she wears a size 0. Many women are standoffish towards her, so it is hard for her to make female friends. But encourage her to explore her own interests.

If I game every other week and don't spend all my spare time in a book then the issue is moot. But attention I found is the key. Women like to be paid attention to. I think they need it a bit more than us guys. But there are rewards. You married her and you love her, so use this a a clue to devote more attention to her. Beyond gaming this will help the relationship. You may also want to get counceling as a PREVTION of future problems. You would feel very bad if your gaming caused you a divorce. counceling is not just for problems but it can help you avoid problems. In my observations many people do not devote the time mentaly and physicaly to their relationships, as they do their jobs or hobbies. They leave the most important aspect to chance. We all need to WORK on our relationships. As all gamers know sometimes you roll lots of 1's! So add some skill bonuses to your relationships. You can always "take 10" or "take 20" at this!

-d

I can sympathize. I lived with a woman for 5 years, and she made the exact same demands. So I caved in and didn't game. This caused me to resent her, and her to not respect me (I had no backbone, after all). The relationship ended after I realized I'd lost my self-respect, my favorite hobby, and all my friends.

I then met a beautiful woman who loves and respects me, and who I love and respect. She is a complete non-gamer. As in, she doesn't even play Monopoly or cards. I am a gamer; she knows it, I game 2-3 nights a week, and we're madly in love and happily married.

But I'm not saying you should divorce your wife. This relationship can be salvaged. I say relationship because the problem isn't that your wife won't let you game, the problem is that your wife doesn't respect you.

If she respected you then your free time would be your own, obviously. Instead, she has picked one of your favorite hobbies and has forbidden you from playing. Why? Why is she telling you what you can and cannot do in your spare time? Why is she making such hurtful, ridiculous demands?

You need to figure this out. Are you ignoring her? Are you a bad husband? Do you belittle her hobbies and interests? Often, I've noticed that a boyfriend will knowingly or unknowlingly restrict his girlfriend's/wife's freedom ("don't wear that", "I don't want to go out tonight/any night", "don't buy that", "give me the remote control", "I don't want to see that movie--let's see this movie", etc). The woman responds by directly or indirectly restricting her man's freedom--a fair reaction. So take a good look at your own behavior.

Regardless, don't let her tell you what to do. You're a free human being. Your leisure time is your own. If the game is Sunday, and you truly have Sunday free (you don't have kids, must-do chores, or some other responsiblity) then go and play for crissakes. In response to a complaint or nag say "Look. Are you seriously trying to dictate what I can and cannot do in my free time?" If she loves and respects you, she'll realize how riduculous her demands are, and "allow" you to go and play with your pals.

But follow up that zinger above with "C'mon--what's this really all about?" She's got issues, and if you love and respect her you'll do your best to figure them out.

-z

Well JERandall, I don't have a solution for you, since I don't know you or your wife. But I might have some points for you to think about, which might help you find your own solution.

First you need to figure out what, exactly, is pissing her off about your gaming hobby. It might be the time you spend away from her, or it might be the money you spend on it, or it might be that she doesn't like your gaming friends. Or, it is possible that it's merely a control issue. No matter which of these it is, you can solve the problem if you talk honestly with each other. That's really the secret to any successful marriage anyway, so you might as well get into the habit, eh? So let's look at all of these problems in order, and you can think about which one you really think it might be.

Gaming takes too much of your time.
Now, it's possible that your wife is correct, and you're spending too much time away from her. But it's also possible that her expectations are unreasonable. Being together 24/7 isn't really good for a marriage in the long run. You each need to have your own interests. The poster who suggested asking her if she would object to you spending all Sunday afternoon watching football, and then ask her how gaming was different was on to something. (Hint. Compare it to something you know she won't object to, instead of something like going to a strip joint, ok?) The other possibility is that you will have to switch your gaming time. If that means you have to find a new group, so be it.

Gaming costs too much money
Heh. If you're DMing, this one really may be true. If it is, sit down together and decide on a monthly gaming budget. Decide what it will include, such as books, software, pdf files, food for the game sessions, etc. Then stick to this budget.

She doesn't like your gaming friends.
If this is the case, you need to figure out why. Do they smell? Are they rude? Do they trash your house when they come over? Are they disgusting or annoying in some other way? Be honest. We women have low tolerance for boorish behavior, and if she feels she's expected to be nice to your orc-like friends when they come over to play a game she has no interest in, well, no wonder she's angry. If your friends are losers, that might also explain her belief that gaming is 'abjectly geeky'.

It's a control issue.
This is the worst one, because it's going to be the hardest to fix. Many women (not all) marry someone thinking that they can "fix" them later. It is possible that your wife feels this way, and what's more, it is possible that she is trying to see how far she can push you. It's a common problem, actually. Only you can decide if this is behind your wife's attitude. If it is, the two of you really need to go to marriage counselling, soon, because it isn't about gaming, and it won't end here, even if you give your hobby up.

I also agree that your wife may be feeling insecure in the relationship somehow. Make sure you tell her you love her, whisper sweet nothings, compliment her looks, her cooking, whatever. We women really need to hear, over and over, that we are loved, and why. We never get tired of it. Have you started taking her for granted? If you have, then take her out to a nice dinner, or go dancing, or to a movie. Whatever you both enjoy. Give her flowers, for no reason at all. And for heaven's sake don't forget her birthday or your anniversary. Make a big deal of it. Perhaps if you are really focused on her during the time you spend together, she will not resent the time you spend apart.

Oh, and if you want to get her into role playing, you might consider doing some privately...if you know what I mean.

Dremen said:

My advice:
1) Talk and try to her find out what the real issue is. It looks like a quality time issue.
2) Limit the game to once every other week. My wife does not like going to bed without me so I make sure I am home by 1am.
3) Sometimes come home early 10-11ish and bring flowers, wine, favorite candy, favorite movie etc. Show her you appreciate the time she lets you have.
4) Don't force her to game, go to the game, socialize with the other wives. My wife is shy and very attractive. After having 3 kids she wears a size 0. Many women are standoffish towards her, so it is hard for her to make female friends. But encourage her to explore her own interests.

If I game every other week and don't spend all my spare time in a book then the issue is moot. But attention I found is the key. Women like to be paid attention to. I think they need it a bit more than us guys.
As all gamers know sometimes you roll lots of 1's! So add some skill bonuses to your relationships. You can always "take 10" or "take 20" at this!

-d

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That's good advice, especially 1 and 4. Well said Dremen.

A follow up on Andorax's idea.

Andorax's suggestion of a solo campaign is a good idea for warming your wife to D&D (I introduced my wife to Dungeon Hack and then to multiplayer Diablo, both worked nicely).
But the joy of gaming is the interaction with other people.

Find another couple who (at least one) enjoys gaming (preferably both). It's even better if your wife is friends with the couple. Stress this is something you are doing together as couples.

If you have time, write a short encounter, say 4-6 obstacles. Give it a plot that your wife might enjoy (such as reuniting a ghost with her husband in death, or a murder mystery). Make it short so that it does not take a lot of time.

If you don't have time, find a pregenerated adventure. Pick 4-6 encounters you think work well from it and ignore the rest of the adventure. You'll probably need to redraw the map.

Invite the couple over and have characters already made. Chuck out game balance, you're trying to show off what roleplaying can be, not provide balance (by that I mean, give out nice rewards for defeating a monster and if somebody's about to die, apply a -10 situation modifier to hit). You DM, and try to make the experience fun for everyone. If someone is holding back, be forward and ask him/her, "what do you think you should do here"-- even if the logical thing is to roll initiative and pound the monsters into hamburger.

I wish you luck on this. My girlfriend was a Director of Religious Education for several years at a Catholic facility (and she is originally from madrid, and was raised in a strict Catholic atmoshpere) and heard all of the diatribe about roleplaying, making her very skeptical. It doesn't help that a three of the four players in my game fit the geekoid stereotype (stereotypes exist because there are, in most cases [not all] people who fit the mould) (I work with the YWCA in my area closely with a group that fights racism and prejudice, stereotypes and racism are not the same thing, but can be construed as such).

All of that said, my girlfriend came around. She isn't hip to a lot of the books, but sees it as harmless when not taken to extremes. She plays Deadlands actually, but isn't into anything else. If I can drag her to play, I hope you can get your wife to see how innocuous a few hours a weekend of DnD can be.

Best of luck!
hellbender

A follow up on Andorax's idea.

Andorax's suggestion of a solo campaign is a good idea for warming your wife to D&D (I introduced my wife to Dungeon Hack and then to multiplayer Diablo, both worked nicely).

But the joy of gaming is the interaction with other people.

Find another couple who (at least one) enjoys gaming (preferably both). It's even better if your wife is friends with the couple. Stress this is something you are doing together as couples.

If you have time, write a short encounter, say 4-6 obstacles. Give it a plot that your wife might enjoy (such as reuniting a ghost with her husband in death, or a murder mystery). Make it short so that it does not take a lot of time.

If you don't have time, find a pregenerated adventure. Pick 4-6 encounters you think work well from it and ignore the rest of the adventure. You'll probably need to redraw the map.

Invite the couple over and have characters already made. Chuck out game balance, you're trying to show off what roleplaying can be, not provide balance (by that I mean, give out nice rewards for defeating a monster and if somebody's about to die, apply a -10 situation modifier [edit: to the monsters] to hit ). You DM, and try to make the experience fun for everyone. If someone is holding back, be forward and ask him/her, "what do you think you should do here"-- even if the logical thing is to roll initiative and pound the monsters into hamburger.

Allow for conversation that isn't game related. Make the adventure a true social experience. If you can, work in some other activies (dinner, another type of game).

Make the experience fun, and repeat a few times, working towards a normal gaming session. Gradually introduce your old gaming buddies into your social experiment. Have them invite spouses/girlfriends.

I want to second these suggestions:

1) Every other week: I've found most spouses prefer this over every week and many will appreciate it.

2) Sunday night: works great for us, noboby seems to go anywhere or do anything Sunday night anyway. Set the VCR so you won't miss the Simpsons and you're set. We usually play 4:00 to 10:00 Sundays, and everyone and their wives seems to like it a lot.


My wife and kids don't have any problem with our set up (my mother, on the other hand, doesn't like that some of the guys have long hair)

DocMoriartty said:

Orders from one spouse to another is not how a decent marriage works. It reminds me more of love sick highschool girlfriends who had fits if they did not spend 24-7 with you, even when most of the time you spent the time doing nothing.

Gaming is not the problem here. His gaming issue with his wife (assuming this is not a troll) is merely a consequence of other problems in his marriage. The largest one being the very wrong tone being taken here.

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Of course it isnt how a decent marriage works. I guess I just challenge the assumption that he really is taking orders from his wife, as you put it.

I figured "My wife won't let me play D&D" means she has a big problem with the time his friends are interested in playing D&D with him at, which certainly isn't unreasonable in many cases we can think of.

[edited to be less argumenative]

-Skaros