Tom Cashel
First Post
Skaros said:
That is also how I took it. But if you are correct, Maddman, then there are truly other issues that need to be worked out.
Also good advice!
My wife won't let me play D&D.
That is also how I took it. But if you are correct, Maddman, then there are truly other issues that need to be worked out.
Also good advice!
Joshua Randall
Legend
It's not a troll.
First, I'd like to say that my post is not a troll. In retrospect I should've chosen a less controversial topic than My wife won't let me play D&D. I apologize to those of you who believe I was just trying to stir up trouble; that wasn't my intention.
Second, I would like to thank all of you for your many and thoughtful replies, far more than I can individually comment on. I've gotten lots of good advice and numerous good ideas - well beyond what I expected. This is truly a community that's a cut above.
I have to do some soul searching and communicating to find out what's at the root of this issue. Both my wife and I can do a better job of understanding each other's point of view. (I'm a bit sad we didn't figure this out before getting married, but hopeful that it's not to late to turn things around.) I think that once we strengthen our marriage each of us will be more willing to allow the other to be independent, in whatever way that's expressed.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it.
First, I'd like to say that my post is not a troll. In retrospect I should've chosen a less controversial topic than My wife won't let me play D&D. I apologize to those of you who believe I was just trying to stir up trouble; that wasn't my intention.
Second, I would like to thank all of you for your many and thoughtful replies, far more than I can individually comment on. I've gotten lots of good advice and numerous good ideas - well beyond what I expected. This is truly a community that's a cut above.
I have to do some soul searching and communicating to find out what's at the root of this issue. Both my wife and I can do a better job of understanding each other's point of view. (I'm a bit sad we didn't figure this out before getting married, but hopeful that it's not to late to turn things around.) I think that once we strengthen our marriage each of us will be more willing to allow the other to be independent, in whatever way that's expressed.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it.
Tom Cashel
First Post
It's not too late, and it's worth the time.
Good luck, JE.
Good luck, JE.
Zaruthustran
The tingling means it’s working!
Yeah. Good luck, JE. Just the fact that you care enough to ask this group of geeks (us) for advice shows that you value your marriage enought to work at a solution. You'll work it out.
Good luck, and be sure to post here and let us know how it all turns out.
-z
Good luck, and be sure to post here and let us know how it all turns out.
-z
There have been some very good posts earlier in the thread. I won't get into the "Communication is important in marriage" since many others have described it admirably well above. I thought I might offer some things that have worked for me.
I ran into a similar problem recently. Once I got over my own ego and we talked, I realized she was angry that I wasn't spending much time with her and that she was right. My hobbies got more attention from me than she did. My being on the computer while she watches TV is not considered "spending time together" (much to my newlywed surprise). So we set aside time. Some things that we do now (in addition to the usual together activities like lying in bed or chatting over dinner):
1) Her Time - 7:30 to 8 is her time every night. Anything we are doing at 7:30 stops, and the phone does not get answered for the next 1/2 hour. We do whatever she wants. Most nights we play cards for the 1/2 hour, but the cards are usually just a pretense for us to be "together". (It is compeletly irrelevant that I always lose )
2) Date Night - My D&D sessions are every Saturday from 1-6. After 6, we have date night. We make Saturday night special, and we make it important.
3) Friday Night Dinner - We are not always eating together during the week, but Friday is different. On Friday we eat at the table with soft music playing and we talk. It is always a good time.
I guess the point is that we set aside time every day to be together not doing any other activity. We make that time special so that we feel special to each other. She feels special and more important than any hobby I may have.
I ran into a similar problem recently. Once I got over my own ego and we talked, I realized she was angry that I wasn't spending much time with her and that she was right. My hobbies got more attention from me than she did. My being on the computer while she watches TV is not considered "spending time together" (much to my newlywed surprise). So we set aside time. Some things that we do now (in addition to the usual together activities like lying in bed or chatting over dinner):
1) Her Time - 7:30 to 8 is her time every night. Anything we are doing at 7:30 stops, and the phone does not get answered for the next 1/2 hour. We do whatever she wants. Most nights we play cards for the 1/2 hour, but the cards are usually just a pretense for us to be "together". (It is compeletly irrelevant that I always lose )
2) Date Night - My D&D sessions are every Saturday from 1-6. After 6, we have date night. We make Saturday night special, and we make it important.
3) Friday Night Dinner - We are not always eating together during the week, but Friday is different. On Friday we eat at the table with soft music playing and we talk. It is always a good time.
I guess the point is that we set aside time every day to be together not doing any other activity. We make that time special so that we feel special to each other. She feels special and more important than any hobby I may have.
This is a tough issue and I certainly don't know all the answers. Brave of you to post so honestly here, JE and also Dremen. I think I would just echo Buttercup's advice: talk honestly with her and try to determine the root issue.
If the root issue is time or insecurity, then this one might be risky. I.e. if she subconsciously sees this issue as "it's either them or me who gets your (attention/time)" then telling her how important your friends are to you is counter-productive, imho.JERandall said:
As others have suggested, a quick, fun solo D&D session might be appropriate. Another possibility along these lines that I don't think has been suggested yet: host a low-key non-D&D games night. She gets to play games she already likes, meets a gamer or two in a social setting, and meets a gamer-spouse or two.JERandall said:
Angelsboi
First Post
on what Zaruthustran said:
I have a boyfriend i see every night when he gets home. We have dinner, we watch TV, hell, we even have a dcent sex life. We also go dancing and clubbing every other Saturday.
Is he a gaymer? Nope. Is he pagan? Nope.
Why am i with him?
Because he allows me to run my games on saturday mornings (when hes at work) and play Sunday afternoons. It gives him relax time by himself.
Our relationship is just fine. He knows that im a gaming geek and STILL wants to be with me.
It sounds like you have a big issue here man. Did she know about your gaming habits BEFORE you guys got married?
I have a boyfriend i see every night when he gets home. We have dinner, we watch TV, hell, we even have a dcent sex life. We also go dancing and clubbing every other Saturday.
Is he a gaymer? Nope. Is he pagan? Nope.
Why am i with him?
Because he allows me to run my games on saturday mornings (when hes at work) and play Sunday afternoons. It gives him relax time by himself.
Our relationship is just fine. He knows that im a gaming geek and STILL wants to be with me.
It sounds like you have a big issue here man. Did she know about your gaming habits BEFORE you guys got married?
Vhane's Maxim of Matrimony:
Many years ago I learned a rather insidious technique for dealing with this very issue... my experience had taught me that once this problem comes up she will never change her mind... UNLESS you do the following, in your non gaming time together drive her insane... be like a two year old child in your need for entertainment... prove to her that you need time apart by making her demand it... if you work the mojo right after a couple of months she will be the one who asks you to go game.
"I'm not just the president I'm a member of this club" Good luck you are in a tough place in your relationship. If you remember my training you will survive!
Many years ago I learned a rather insidious technique for dealing with this very issue... my experience had taught me that once this problem comes up she will never change her mind... UNLESS you do the following, in your non gaming time together drive her insane... be like a two year old child in your need for entertainment... prove to her that you need time apart by making her demand it... if you work the mojo right after a couple of months she will be the one who asks you to go game.
"I'm not just the president I'm a member of this club" Good luck you are in a tough place in your relationship. If you remember my training you will survive!
Henry
Autoexreginated
Re: Re: an aside...
Let's please not name-call, nor bait one another into posting things of this nature.
And for the record, I do agree with Doc on one part - if there is a personal problem, you can e-mail one another, but it doesn't need to be on the boards.
Onward with the matrimonial Sage Advice Column!
DocMoriartty said:You have a problem with me Tom?
If you do then grow some
Let's please not name-call, nor bait one another into posting things of this nature.
And for the record, I do agree with Doc on one part - if there is a personal problem, you can e-mail one another, but it doesn't need to be on the boards.
Onward with the matrimonial Sage Advice Column!
Zaruthustran
The tingling means it’s working!
Angelsboi said:
Sorry, I'm confused--what issue are you talking about? As my message stated, my wife knew everything about me before we got married. That's why she married me. And everything's perfect (I use that word intentionally) with my marriage.
Did you respond to the wrong person?
-z
