My wife won't let me play D&D.
Mistwell
Crusty Old Meatwad (he/him)
Maraxle said:
I am in total agreement. You can't play on a weekend, if you are serious about your relationship, and at least one of you works. All this "it's just one day a week" is just bullcrap. If you both work normal days and hours (or if even one of you does), then there are only two days out of each week that you actually have together. Playing on a Saturday is 50% of those days, and asking too much of a relationship.
And all this "get her to go" is crap as well. Sure, you might convince her to go a few times, but if it isn't her thing then it just isn't her thing. To speak to a stereotype that many might understand - if a man didn't like shopping all day, and a woman tried to convince him to go to a mall and shop every single Saturday all day, how long do you think that guy would put up with it? It's just not reasonable to assume that your hobby is something that your significant other will enjoy as much as you, if they just give it a fair shot.
Insist to your group that you play on no more than one weekday a week, for 2-4 hours, or else find a new gaming group.
Frostmarrow
First Post
This might seem a bit far-fetched but perhaps your wife is a little conscientious about what other people think? If you tell all her friends about your charming little hobby and manage to get them intrigued about the concept and a wee bit curious, at least something is won. I mean if her friends doesn't think you are a geek for playing D&D your wife might not worry about that being the case. Note that I don't know either one of you and what I have suggested is mostly guesswork.
I wonder if I am on EN's ignore list?
I wonder if I am on EN's ignore list?
Steve Conan Trustrum
Explorer
In my opinion, the best thing to do is use logic to back her into a corner with logic and make her realize how silly she's being. Tell your wife that you're having these same guys over one weekend to do something as simple as watch a video, sporting event, or just to sit on the back porch and drink some beers. Do this for a couple of weekends and then let her know that they're coming over for some D&D. When she starts going on about how it's a waste of time and how you have better ways to spend your time, ask her something like "you mean like having these same guys over just to watch TV or drink beers?" Once you've pointed out that she's had no problem with you doing things that are by far a more wasteful use of time (in her eyes, at least), you can start making her accept that she is just prejudiced against DnD and can start working on that. Doing things like this work for me all the time, but it all depends on how willing one's girlfriend/wife is to back down once you've backed her into a corner using her own "logic" against her.
Buttercup
Princess of Florin
Steve Conan Trustrum said:
With all due respect, how long have you been married? Emotions don't necessarily have anything to do with logic, and backing your spouse into a corner literally or figuratively seems guaranteed to backfire.
Said another way, if someone is upset, logic probably doesn't enter into it, and belittling that person's feelings by making them feel silly is a big step on the road to divorce court if it happens over and over again.
I'm basing these statements on 13 years of marriage. (14 in December) Be very careful about how you behave when you fight. You cannot take back words you shouldn't have spoken, and each time you utter something belittling, a tiny piece of your spouse's love for you dies forever. I learned this in a previous relationship, and so my husband & I have always taken care to be kind and fair, even when we are so angry we want to strangle each other. It isn't always easy, but really, if your marriage isn't worth curbing your tongue for, what in this world is?
I would never claim to be an expert on women, but I can guarantee that trying to trap one with logic is a really, really bad idea. This is clearly an emotional, rather than logical, situation for her, and should be treated as such. It's not the fact that you're playing D&D. She's hurt by losing half of her weekend time with you to a bunch of "gaming geeks."Steve Conan Trustrum said:
ladyofdragons
First Post
I guess the matter really is whether she sees it as something that takes you away from her, or whether she sees it as something truly geeky that she wouldn't be involved with.
Does she like other fantasy-related things? Did she like LOTR/FOTR, think strider/legolas was a hottie? While thinking of bringing her into your gaming group fold is a nice idea, think first of how to do it without further alienating her from RPGs. Women in roleplaying are generally much different than men. Most women enjoy a more roleplay-heavy game, with chances for creativity and self expression. Equating roleplaying to acting out the part of a character in a fantasy movie, in which she has the main choices as to what she can do, is more appealing to a woman than the thought of sitting around a table rolling some dice.
If it's a time issue, then perhaps there's a compromise. Personally, I like every other week for gaming. That gives my husband & I off-weekends to do non-gaming activities, and I don't get burnout. In fact, we recently started going out with another couple (who happen to game with us) for non-RPG activities like dinner, movies, card games, etc. It's an enjoyable social activity with the same people. Of course conversation inevitably strays to the game, but not so much that it overpowers the evening.
Does she like other fantasy-related things? Did she like LOTR/FOTR, think strider/legolas was a hottie? While thinking of bringing her into your gaming group fold is a nice idea, think first of how to do it without further alienating her from RPGs. Women in roleplaying are generally much different than men. Most women enjoy a more roleplay-heavy game, with chances for creativity and self expression. Equating roleplaying to acting out the part of a character in a fantasy movie, in which she has the main choices as to what she can do, is more appealing to a woman than the thought of sitting around a table rolling some dice.
If it's a time issue, then perhaps there's a compromise. Personally, I like every other week for gaming. That gives my husband & I off-weekends to do non-gaming activities, and I don't get burnout. In fact, we recently started going out with another couple (who happen to game with us) for non-RPG activities like dinner, movies, card games, etc. It's an enjoyable social activity with the same people. Of course conversation inevitably strays to the game, but not so much that it overpowers the evening.
Redleg06
First Post
I have not read all the posts so I am just reply ing to the original.
If you are like me and most gamers I know you have SEVERAL gaming hobbies. Probably a few non-gaming ones too. I would suggest dumping about 80% of them and keeping the ones you enjoy the most. That way if you just play D&D and one or two other games it might not seem so bad.
Second, relationships require comprimise. You need to weigh how important is D&D? How important is your marriage? I would hope that in the end you would pick your marriage over a HOBBY. Yes, idealy she should realize how important D&D is to you etc etc, but c'mon. It is only a game.
Last, have you asked her if it is the game she objects to, or your friends? If it is the latter, the problem may be of a different nature, and potentially bigger than you realize.
If you are like me and most gamers I know you have SEVERAL gaming hobbies. Probably a few non-gaming ones too. I would suggest dumping about 80% of them and keeping the ones you enjoy the most. That way if you just play D&D and one or two other games it might not seem so bad.
Second, relationships require comprimise. You need to weigh how important is D&D? How important is your marriage? I would hope that in the end you would pick your marriage over a HOBBY. Yes, idealy she should realize how important D&D is to you etc etc, but c'mon. It is only a game.
Last, have you asked her if it is the game she objects to, or your friends? If it is the latter, the problem may be of a different nature, and potentially bigger than you realize.
