My wife won't let me play D&D.

Let me just say this - all of the advice given so far has been excellent. I just want to offer this piece of advice:

There is something called the "dialogue wheel." This 'device' allows people to explore an issue in depth. The idea is to first make sure that all defenses are down. Then explore an issue with the following statements:

I feel...
I see....
I think...
I am bothered by...
I hope (in the future)...
I wish...
I want...
I am happy...
I enjoy....

Etc... (I do not have the whole dialogue guide handy)

The reason you do this (there are about 20 different beginning statements) is to explore the full issue in depth. I'm sure you could come up with more beginninng statements yourself.

The point is to get to the root of the issue. I suspect it is not the gaming itself that she hates, but the time away and not spending time with her.

With that said - my personal experience is that my wife looks at my time at games (we usually play one Fridaynight and one 12 hour saturday session a month, sometimes two fridays) as time SHE has to HERSELF.

Just because you are married does not mean that you are one integrated unit all the time. You're two separate human beings who have needs that cannot be fulfilled by each other. If her perspective on your time spent gaming can change to that of "oh I can go out with my friends for a girls' night out" or "Now I can get that nice quiet evening with the book without being interrupted" then you'll have it made. My wife actually looks forward to these times now, because she knows she gets time to herself to do something I would never want to do.

We play with two couples (one of whom has kids) and three other married guys (one of whom also has a child). We are all in our 30's and all have decent jobs. It is not as unusual as you might think. We are just a good group of friends who like to play D&D. My wife is friends with all of them as well. I tried to get her to play D&D but she said she wasn't interested in spending that much time playing (she has played before).

Hope that helps..

--*Rob

My best advice, is maybe explain to her that this is a hobby that you love and to try the game for two months. If she hates it STILL after that long, then you'll reduce your gaming to once or twice a month (or something to that affect)

Run a solo game for her during those two months. You must know whether she likes adventure mystery etc... just build around that.

Hope that helps!!!

Give up gaming cold turkey.

Your marriage is more important.

I've been married three years if this means anything.

There seems to me two differant issues.

Is the problem that you don't spend enough time with your wife or..
Does she have a problem with D&D.

Before you can fix anything, you need to get that information from your wife.

I know that seems like I'm being pendantic, but this might save you some time when you work this out.

Hi I'm Zarthon's better half.....)

I must say that I reacted very much the same as your wife does. I would generally sulk and complain that he never spent any time with me,and if he even dared to say the word "D&D" boy the doo-doo really hit the fan. Needless to say I was just plain nasty! . But He never gave up and he finally invite me to watch a session, and I can tell you I haven't looked back.

From my side I would say she is a bit jealous about your relationship with your friends, hell I was! But you need to understand D&D is very alien to some and in a way quiet frightening. Of course your marriage comes first as some have stated but a marriage is a two way street, this needs to be pointed out to her. My advise to you, invite her to a session, get her to read some good fantasy novels, spend some time with her as well as your gaming buddies,have them over for supper ect. Let her get to know them a little more and she can see that they are just normal people.

In the beginning I also thought " My god what will my friends think of me playing D&D?" but you know what, I'm doing something that I enjoy, Maybe she will find it enjoyable, maybe not.

Good luck to both of you Hope you work this out
Taipan (one kick-ass druid!)

Logic + Wife = Automobile + Hummingbird. (Sorry if I offend anyone, but that's my experience. She (and most other women I know) do not give a hoot about something as non-emotional as LOGIC.)

When I got engaged, my wife and I had a little discussion about our individual activities. Some that she did that I wanted her to stop, some I did that she wanted me to stop. In the end, neither of us quit anything. We both came to the agreement that neither of us has the right to simply demand that the other stop doing something we enjoy because one of us doesn't like it or understand it.

It's something called Respect.

My wife is as totally a non-gamer as a girl could be, yet she doesn't discourage me from gaming, provided I still meet my obligations to the family. The way she figures it: "At least you aren't hanging out at strip clubs."

My wife (5 years) is pretty good about it. Especially since I moved the game to our house. When I had it at my office, she would get annoyed at me being there late on a weeknight, but since I moved it to Sunday mornings at our place, it's been just fine.

Well, I was a gamer wife to my now gamer ex-husband (we just went to the game store today ) so I never minded him gaming, but it did bug me that he put SO MUCH time into planning the games he GMed. So, maybe part of her problem is the total amount of time you put into gaming. You two should discuss this and try to reach a compromise.
Also, if you play on a certain night every week, why doesn't she plan something to do w/ her friends or by herself that night. If it's Guy Game Night, it can also be Girl's Night Out or if you guys play elsewhere, Wife Pampering Time at your place.
I do recomend getting her aquainted with your hobby. Maybe she'd find an aspect of it that she likes. And try to involve any of her likes in gaming too: if she likes to cook, ask if you both can make a snack for a game (and sing her praises to the guys) or if she's artsy, maybe she'd like painting minis or making homemade die pouches.
Lastly, ask her opinions on some game stuff. Like if you're coming up with a new PC or if you're the DM, ask her for ideas for your adventures and bounce your ideas off her. She might come up with some great things that you might not have thought of.

Good Luck to you both.

I just want to say this to the people who say "give up gaming your marriage is more important"

That's not the way to approach it.

If you give up gaming completely - something that you value in your life, something that has been part of your life for so long - you will end up only with feelings of resentment towards your wife that will contribute to the breakdown ofyour relationship.

Yes- the marriage is more important than gaming, BUT - a GOOD marriage is one in which the partners understand their own needs, and desires and work together to have those things met. Your wife needs to realize that this hobby is something that fulfills some needs in your life that she cannot fulfill, and as such, stopping you from doing it will only make things worse. However, if she can open her mind and learn to accept and even encourage the time away from her - your marriage will grow stronger.

I have seen many relationships where the wife said "you CAN'T do that." What's the natural reaction - defensive: "Yes I CAN and you can't stop me." We're adults, we're past that now. Adults in marriages work out things and come to compromises. you may need to compromise a bit on how much you game - but please - for your own sanity - don't stop gaming. If your wife cannot accept your gaming at all. Then you need to seriously consider whether or not you want to stay with her.

That sounds harsh right? Just remember that marriage is a partnership. You are not bound to do what she says and she is not bound to do what you say. You work together to create a life together. But you are still two separate people.

Keep us updated JE - I want to hear how this turns out.

--*Rob