Around the Corner from the Hanged Man

Luinnar · Nov 15, 2010

Captain Wallaby send a battalion around to secure the area! I want the whole block under subjugation in ten minutes! Hop to it man! shouts a voice a short ways away. Up strides a man with black hair and in black armor. From his slightly pointed ears you notice that he is a half-elf, but he lacks the trademark beard. On his eye he wears an eyepatch in shape of a heart, and his other gleams with menace.

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I am General Sharpe Hamperton of the Royal Hampertonion Lordly Death Force, peasants. This area is now under my subjugation! Anyone found escaping, peasanting, loitering, being foreign, looking foreign, acting foreign, selling flowers or doing heroic deeds will be shot with a volley! Anyone who is still alive by then will be shot with another volley!

If you dirty peasants wish to live I demand tribute, (preferably in small unmarked coinage and small trinkets.), unwavering fanatical loyalty and food and shelter for my 10,000 troops within the hour.

...What are you waiting for! Hop to it lads!

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No, not an adventure. This is my chaotic evil half-elf bard

Still need to work on the sheet, but I am looking for an adventure.
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Iron Sky · Nov 15, 2010

Sir Exsixten almost takes a passing commoner's head off with his axe as he spins about to face Sharpe.

SIR EXSIXTEN TURNS TO FACE THE NEW VILLAIN, READYING HIMSELF TO USE HIS STRONGEST POWER AND CATCH THE MAN OFF-GUARD. HE TENSES AND UNLEASHES A MOSTLY-RECHARGED ASSAULT, GEARS GRINDING TO PRODUCE A CUSTOM-TAILORED MONOLOGUE TO PUT THIS FOE IN HIS PLACE.

YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE IF YOU ARE SEEKING A HERO TO DEFEAT YOUR TEN-THOUSAND. PRODUCE THEM IMMEDIATELY SO THE THRASHING CAN COMMENCE, SIR EXSIXTEN'S AXE IS FRESHLY OILED WITH THE GREASE OF GOODNESS, HIS ARMOR GLEAMING WITH THE SALVE OF SALVATION!

THE LORDS OF AWESOME GUIDE HIS EVERY MOVE AND THUSLY HE CAN DO NO WRONG. FROM THE LOOK OF YOU, THE HIGH PRIEST OF PITIFUL MUST CLAIM YOU AS HIS CHAMPION.

SCURRY BACK TO THE BARRACKS OF BORING WHERE YOUR LEGIONS OF LAMENESS ARE GARRISONED. YOUR EYES CANNOT WITHSTAND SIR EXSIXTEN'S PERFECTION - LOOK ONE EYE EVEN HIDES AWAY, COWERING BEHIND A... CRUDELY PORTRAYED CIRCULATORY ORGAN SIMULACRUM.

SEMANTIC TRANSLATION/TRUNCATION PARSER RUNNING, SYNONYM STRING GENERATED, OUTPUTTING:

EQUIVALENTLY: NO.

Luinnar · Nov 15, 2010

Speak Allarian man! Not foreign forthperson! This is my kingdom, and here we speak proper Allarian with proper grammar and proper etiquette! I won't have people speaking foreign here, no sir! Sharpe says, taking off his glove and slapping Sir X610 across his faceplate.

Sargent Dingo! he shouts. We need to break the will of this malicious mechanical miscreant! We shall break it like the heart of the a candy-less child! Bring me... he stops to think. Bring me the warm poker, the iron daisy and the driper!

You sir shall be screaming within the hour! I will break you, and then I will laugh at you! he says, throwing his head back and giving a high pitched laugh. All the pours of your skin will be begging for mercy! When I get done with you, you will have to sip liquids through a straw!

Mewness · Nov 15, 2010

Papolstaanas isn't sure whether to feel relieved that Jynxx's boasting on his behalf has been drowned out by the shouting of the half-elf and the warforged, or alarmed at the mention of an invading army. He looks around carefully for the people that the half-elf is shouting orders to. Not seeing them, he assumes he must be making some mistake, and looks around even more carefully, but he still fails to find anyone who appears to be following the half-elf's orders.

OnlytheStrong · Nov 15, 2010

Jynxx looks around, somewhat confused by the newcomer. He wasn't sure whether he should even stick around long enough to discover what in the world they were talking about. Wearing his ever present smile, Jynxx decided to simply lean against the wall. Might as well what to see what happens.

Iron Sky · Nov 15, 2010

VIOLENCE INITIATED!

<THREAT ASSESSMENT: TARGET'S ATTACK AT ESTIMATED 95% MAXIMUM STRENGTH. DAMAGE: NONE. TARGET THREAT ASSESSMENT LEVEL: MINIMAL>

Sir Exsixten lowers his weapon and shield.

I FEAR NOT YOUR FLOWERS, REGARDLESS OF MATERIAL CONSTRUCTION.

<SELF-SURFACE ANALYSIS, PORES NOT FOUND, POTENTIAL INSULT/THREAT CONCLUSION INVALIDATED>

QUERY: WHY WOULD ONE NEED TO "SIP LIQUIDS"?

Mewness · Nov 16, 2010

Having made a careful inspection of the people around, Papolstaanas starts to feel confident that, in fact, the newcomer does not have a horde of allies, and begins to worry for his safety. Perhaps he is just drunk? Or crazy? Or ensorcelled? Or drunk, crazy, and ensorcelled? That would be bad, wouldn't it, if some poor crazy fellow got killed in the street just because he happened to wander into the wrong place while being obviously crazy.

With some intrepidity, Papolstaanas taps politely on Sir Exsixten's knee.

"Um, excuse me, Mister--Sir Exsixten, but I wonder if that fellow might be, you know, not quite right in the head. H-he clearly isn't any match for us, I mean you, s-s-so maybe it's best if... I don't suppose you have any, um, subroutines or heuristics or algorithms or whatever for, um, dealing with crazy people?"

Iron Sky · Nov 16, 2010

Sir Exsixten looks down at Papolstaanas in silence for several seconds.

<SEARCHING... 0 RESULTS; "CRAZY" NOT FOUND> LITTLE LIZARD, WHAT DOES THIS WORD "CRAZY" MEAN?

Mewness · Nov 16, 2010

"Ummm..." says Papolstaanas. "It means... not thinking right, you know, like when someone sees things that aren't there or believes that people are, I don't know, out to get him or something, like even his own family or friends or people he should be able to trust? And so he can't make good decisions, you see, he can't tell what's right and what's wrong because there's something seriously the matter with him. Like if there were something wrong with a person's eyes or his brain and he thought that a nice little girl was a huge evil fire-breathing demon, and then he might kill the little girl, but it would be a mistake, because it's not that he's a horrible person who likes to murder little girls, he thinks he's killing a demon!"

Luinnar · Nov 16, 2010

Iron Sky said:
QUERY: WHY WOULD ONE NEED TO "SIP LIQUIDS"?

Ah ha! They did not teach you anything in foreign school, did they? You don't know not about the three states of matter, solid, liquid and...and.... Gold! Bet you don't now that in foreign land, hmm?

Your surrender makes things so much easier... As slave of my vast empire you will be forced to... *he thinks for a bit* be my secretary! You shall record my monologues and display them in public places for the world to admire!

Mewness said:
"Um, excuse me, Mister--Sir Exsixten, but I wonder if that fellow might be, you know, not quite right in the head. H-he clearly isn't any match for us, I mean you, s-s-so maybe it's best if... I don't suppose you have any, um, subroutines or heuristics or algorithms or whatever for, um, dealing with crazy people?"

Ah ha, Corporal Behemoth! Sharpe says spotting Papolstaanas. Have you brought me the sandwich I demanded? The one with the crustless bread, within lies the meat of a small woodland creature in between wild vegy-tables herbs and spices...?

Rat on a stick! At least you heathens have good taste in cooking! he says, spotting the food vendor.