Deuce Traveler
Adventurer
I understand if Pirate Cat needs more time. Age treats each of us differently, and is not always kind.
CERAMIC DM March 2012
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
I understand if Pirate Cat needs more time. Age treats each of us differently, and is not always kind.
Aww, thanks! But I have no complaints. I am hoping that callow youth has made you impetuous and sloppy. We will see.
Smack talk aside, I can't wait to read yours. I'm sure it's superb.
On a more serious note, I'm thrilled to take the full three days. My usual pattern is day 1: think and write. Day 2: write and rewrite. Day 3: rewrite and edit. I'm happily on track. I'll have it done by tonight, sleep on it, read it to myself tomorrow morning, rip a few sections out to pare it down, and then post it. There's some tricky bits I want to get right, and I'm usually my own harshest critic.
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Deuce Traveler
Adventurer
Today's my birthday (36), and I suppose I'm a bit strange since instead of just relaxing, I decided that finishing up the story that had been rattling in my head was a birthday present to myself. Otherwise I would be taking the full 3 days, too. Best of luck to you. I read all of your stories when I found out we would be paired up and it convinced me to avoid doing a witty story, as your strengths are too obviously there, and instead focus on another subgenre that I'm more comfortable with. But enough hints. I'll read yours and you'll read mine soon enough.
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Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Callow. Youth. Happy birthday!
Now you have me curious. Goodness knows you pushed out 3K words quickly enough. Can't wait to read it.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Home from the oral surgeon. Pain minimal due to numbness. Now, to examine the photos and see what story they want to tell me.
Gregor's Judgement
ROUND I: Match 1
FickleGM v. phoamslinger
My disclaimer:
I am humbled by the talent arrayed before me and I appreciate the opportunity to provide any kind of critique on your work. Having competed in Ceramic DM a couple of times myself, I know that it takes courage to put your thoughts down on paper and then hand that over for public scrutiny. Please keep in mind that my review and judgement of your work comes completely from my personal perpsective and opinions. I am in no way a professional random-picture-driven-short-story reviewer. I also realize that in criticizing your stories I set myself up for your own counter judgement and criqique (e.g. how can I judge your use of grammar when I make mistakes myself?). Please take my judgement with a grain of salt and know that I respect the creativity, hard work and imagination of everyone in this competition.
And now, onto the judgements.
Phoamslinger
“Styx Freight, Inc.”
Writing Style & Skill
I enjoy the style and flow of your writing a lot, even though there are a few awkward sentences which I needed to reread a few times. However, your writing has a nice, almost musical, cadence to it which more than makes up for any of my perceived grammatical issues. I also appreciated how you changed your tone and style from casual, funny and snappy in Charon’s storyline and then altered to a darker mood to discuss the affairs of Adelmaro and his wife.
Use of the Photo Elements
Your photo use was equal parts awesome and banal.
Your use of the ruins (despite using them as their IRL location) and the bird were pretty casual. I won’t go so far as to say they were an afterthought, but they were not as impressive as the other two. For instance, I particularly like the first photo which you use to show your main character Charon and describe the setting by writing: “A hint of smoke forever lingering on the breeze and a chill in the air were ever present nowadays”. Really great and the evocative writing matches the effects in the photo nicely.
I also really enjoyed your use of the tea kettle. We obviously chose it to be the ‘tricky’ one, but I think you incorporated it extremely well. Focusing more on the reflective surface of the object, as opposed to the object itself was rather clever and it reminded me of something I might see in a well-shot movie.
Personal Enjoyment
I enjoyed aspects of this story, but it didn’t really grab me.
The twist on Charon as an agent of life instead of death was excellent. The added perspective of him being a surly bureaucrat or front line worker in the affairs of the gods was also a great touch. Now that I think of it, your story gave me a strong American Gods vibe. I’m not sure if you’ve read that book, but the biting dialogue between Charon and Artemis reminded me of something Odin and another divine character might have shared in Mr. Gaiman’s book.
I also liked Charon’s gaze back in time. Though not an overly original concept: the adulterous wife and the scheming politician, I thought you presented it well. Specifically, I dug the detail in the preparation of the meal (something I, much like your Adelmaro, like to do to relax), Adelmaro’s realization that his wife was having an affair with the Persian, and his chilling calculated decision to poison them. Bringing it full circle with Charon again was also well done.
********
FickleGM
“The Heart of a Kiwi”
Writing Style & Skill
I thought that this story was extremely well written. There were a few very minor stylistic and grammatical issues, but overall it was solid from beginning to end. Your prose flows very well and I was impressed by your ability to pack so much into so few words. The unique perspective in this story was also very well done.
Use of the Photo Elements
While I wasn’t blown away by the way you used the pictures, I still think you did a respectable job. However, I would have liked to have seen you use one or two in a more creative manner.
Personal Enjoyment
As for my own personal enjoyment, I really, really liked this story.
FickleGM, you brought forward something very slim and concise but you jam-packed your 1050 words with a metric tonne of story.
I had an overwhelming sense of pulp, mystery and adventure as I read your tale and it gave me the same feelings I experience when I read something by H.P. Lovecraft. It isn’t that your piece was scary or occult as some of his stories, but you expertly captured that sense of ‘the unknown’. This intangible thing is what makes a great story in the genre you wrote. I also really appreciated how much you believe in your story (or at least your ability to make me think that you do) and you deftly weave it in such a way as to convince me that there are other parts to this story. Where were the chapters of this book that came before? Who are these characters? What is the colonel looking for? Why does this bird have an internal monologue? It is not that you should have put these things into your story. Rather, your story is brilliant because I believe that they exist, even when they do not.
********
Final Verdict:
First off, thank you both for your stories. It was an honor to review them.
I was really torn on this one (you guys did not make the first match of the first round easy on me!). On the one hand, Phoam delivered an interesting and well written story with one really excellent example of creative photo use (teapot). On the other hand, Fickle gave us a very well written tale but with less compelling photo use.
In the end, I went with my gut as to which story entertained me the most. While I enjoed Phoam's story, Fickle's grabbed me and would not let go. I wanted more, still want more and while I think some more creative use of the photos is needed, I want to see what can he do in the later and more difficult rounds.
My vote is for FickleGM
ROUND I: Match 1
FickleGM v. phoamslinger
My disclaimer:
I am humbled by the talent arrayed before me and I appreciate the opportunity to provide any kind of critique on your work. Having competed in Ceramic DM a couple of times myself, I know that it takes courage to put your thoughts down on paper and then hand that over for public scrutiny. Please keep in mind that my review and judgement of your work comes completely from my personal perpsective and opinions. I am in no way a professional random-picture-driven-short-story reviewer. I also realize that in criticizing your stories I set myself up for your own counter judgement and criqique (e.g. how can I judge your use of grammar when I make mistakes myself?). Please take my judgement with a grain of salt and know that I respect the creativity, hard work and imagination of everyone in this competition.
And now, onto the judgements.
Phoamslinger
“Styx Freight, Inc.”
Writing Style & Skill
I enjoy the style and flow of your writing a lot, even though there are a few awkward sentences which I needed to reread a few times. However, your writing has a nice, almost musical, cadence to it which more than makes up for any of my perceived grammatical issues. I also appreciated how you changed your tone and style from casual, funny and snappy in Charon’s storyline and then altered to a darker mood to discuss the affairs of Adelmaro and his wife.
Use of the Photo Elements
Your photo use was equal parts awesome and banal.
Your use of the ruins (despite using them as their IRL location) and the bird were pretty casual. I won’t go so far as to say they were an afterthought, but they were not as impressive as the other two. For instance, I particularly like the first photo which you use to show your main character Charon and describe the setting by writing: “A hint of smoke forever lingering on the breeze and a chill in the air were ever present nowadays”. Really great and the evocative writing matches the effects in the photo nicely.
I also really enjoyed your use of the tea kettle. We obviously chose it to be the ‘tricky’ one, but I think you incorporated it extremely well. Focusing more on the reflective surface of the object, as opposed to the object itself was rather clever and it reminded me of something I might see in a well-shot movie.
Personal Enjoyment
I enjoyed aspects of this story, but it didn’t really grab me.
The twist on Charon as an agent of life instead of death was excellent. The added perspective of him being a surly bureaucrat or front line worker in the affairs of the gods was also a great touch. Now that I think of it, your story gave me a strong American Gods vibe. I’m not sure if you’ve read that book, but the biting dialogue between Charon and Artemis reminded me of something Odin and another divine character might have shared in Mr. Gaiman’s book.
I also liked Charon’s gaze back in time. Though not an overly original concept: the adulterous wife and the scheming politician, I thought you presented it well. Specifically, I dug the detail in the preparation of the meal (something I, much like your Adelmaro, like to do to relax), Adelmaro’s realization that his wife was having an affair with the Persian, and his chilling calculated decision to poison them. Bringing it full circle with Charon again was also well done.
********
FickleGM
“The Heart of a Kiwi”
Writing Style & Skill
I thought that this story was extremely well written. There were a few very minor stylistic and grammatical issues, but overall it was solid from beginning to end. Your prose flows very well and I was impressed by your ability to pack so much into so few words. The unique perspective in this story was also very well done.
Use of the Photo Elements
While I wasn’t blown away by the way you used the pictures, I still think you did a respectable job. However, I would have liked to have seen you use one or two in a more creative manner.
Personal Enjoyment
As for my own personal enjoyment, I really, really liked this story.
FickleGM, you brought forward something very slim and concise but you jam-packed your 1050 words with a metric tonne of story.
I had an overwhelming sense of pulp, mystery and adventure as I read your tale and it gave me the same feelings I experience when I read something by H.P. Lovecraft. It isn’t that your piece was scary or occult as some of his stories, but you expertly captured that sense of ‘the unknown’. This intangible thing is what makes a great story in the genre you wrote. I also really appreciated how much you believe in your story (or at least your ability to make me think that you do) and you deftly weave it in such a way as to convince me that there are other parts to this story. Where were the chapters of this book that came before? Who are these characters? What is the colonel looking for? Why does this bird have an internal monologue? It is not that you should have put these things into your story. Rather, your story is brilliant because I believe that they exist, even when they do not.
********
Final Verdict:
First off, thank you both for your stories. It was an honor to review them.
I was really torn on this one (you guys did not make the first match of the first round easy on me!). On the one hand, Phoam delivered an interesting and well written story with one really excellent example of creative photo use (teapot). On the other hand, Fickle gave us a very well written tale but with less compelling photo use.
In the end, I went with my gut as to which story entertained me the most. While I enjoed Phoam's story, Fickle's grabbed me and would not let go. I wanted more, still want more and while I think some more creative use of the photos is needed, I want to see what can he do in the later and more difficult rounds.
My vote is for FickleGM
Round I: Match 1 Steel Dragon's Judgement
Round I: Match 1
phoamslinger's "Styx Freight, Inc"
vs.
FickleGM's "The Heart of a Kiwi"
1) Writing Style & Skill: Well, you both know how to write. I saw nothing egregious in the way of spelling, typos or grammar. If anything, there were a few word choices in Kiwi I might have rethought and a run-on sentence here or there that I might have punctuated differently or broken into separate sentences. But nothing, blatantly "wrong."
Use of description is clear and, in several places, evocative, in both works. We know that Miss Hennessy is tired and fearful through shaky hands, voice and the subtle disheveled strands of hair before we are told, outright, that she is tired and fearful. Phoam's description of the "starting point/set piece" of the ferryman image, the look and feel...the odor of the river immediately pulls us into the story.
Characterization in both is solid. Styx's personification of the deities and the "disgruntled" Charon is humorous and, yet, gives us a lot of "behind the scenes" while sounding plausible and "making sense." The ambassador's motives are clearly understandable. Kiwi's trio cast is clear and simple, captor and captives. Their motivations aren't as immediately available for the reader. But done in such a way that spurs us on to read more and figure out what exactly the situation is.
I am inclined to say neither entry is an outright "winner" here. Perhaps, the slightest edge to phoamslinger. But we'll see how the rest pans out.
2) Use of Images: Both pieces have their strong places and both fall short a bit.
Already mentioned, in Styx, the use of the ferryman image is beautifully described as well as being the core character of the story. The use of the reflection in the teapot is a stroke of genius as well as making the image significantly relevant to the storyline, above and outside of its obvious use. But then, the kiwis are...yes, kiwis. Ok. And the ruins at Salamis seem to kind of be just thrown in there, as a bit of a shoehorn. They could have been taken anywhere else...why there? Why those ruins? They did not feel necessary or special, just getting a mention. Your "postscript explanation post" (which, to my mind, skirts the edge of an "editing" of sorts) is not being taken into account for this judgement. If it was relevant to the image's use in the story, then it should have been somehow worked into the story.
Whereas in Kiwi, the use of the kiwi image as the pivotal character was a bit outside of the box and caught me as a pleasant surprise. The ruins as an example of the abominable condition Miss Hennessy has been forced to endure works fine. The teapot, again, fine, though not exactly creative. What really bothered me, though, was the use of the ferry/barge-man. It really seems a complete afterthought. There he goes off into the river on "the primitive canoe", of which we had no former mention or way of knowing was there.
I am giving phoamslinger the points here.
3) Personal Enjoyment: I liked both stories. They were both decent reads in different ways. Phoamslinger's "flashback" sequence caught me a bit off guard, but the change in tone to this unspoken seriousness that plays against the glib and grumbling Charon was thoroughly enjoyable. The further comings and goings and attempted dealings of gods trying to "fix things" fills my mind with possibilities.
FickleGM's story leaves me wanting more, which is a completely valid short story trick. What were they looking for...which the Colonel now has? How/why is this kiwi thinking? What can it smell? How did Miss Hennessy end up with it/him? What is that other "darker" smell?
My problem comes that the questions are a bit too many, for me. I get the world of Styx Freight, Inc. I know what has happened and what things are like now. In The Heart of a Kiwi we have guns and trains and planes, but they were staying in ruins...and no one, no where in all of these travels did Miss Hennessy get an opportunity to cry for help? I have very little understanding of the world in which I am supposed to become invested.
The other thing is, while I am intrigued and interested to read more of both stories, in Styx, I don't have to. It is a complete contained story as it is.
Kiwi reads, to me, as a chapter of a larger work. Leaving me wondering is fine, but I have the feeling like I am supposed to know..too much that I do not. What this artifact is (or if it even is an artifact). How the Colonel came by his captives? What it is he's after? There are just too many questions left unaddressed.
At least, that is what I am assuming is leaving me with this feeling that it isn't a contained "short story", but a fragment of some larger book. Obviously, it is a fragment of a larger tale...but I will never know what that larger tale is.
Again, my points have to go for phoamslinger in this category.
Which brings us to Steel Dragons' vote toward Round I: Match 1 Winner... phoamslinger.
Round I: Match 1
phoamslinger's "Styx Freight, Inc"
vs.
FickleGM's "The Heart of a Kiwi"
1) Writing Style & Skill: Well, you both know how to write.
I saw nothing egregious in the way of spelling, typos or grammar. If anything, there were a few word choices in Kiwi I might have rethought and a run-on sentence here or there that I might have punctuated differently or broken into separate sentences. But nothing, blatantly "wrong."Use of description is clear and, in several places, evocative, in both works. We know that Miss Hennessy is tired and fearful through shaky hands, voice and the subtle disheveled strands of hair before we are told, outright, that she is tired and fearful. Phoam's description of the "starting point/set piece" of the ferryman image, the look and feel...the odor of the river immediately pulls us into the story.
Characterization in both is solid. Styx's personification of the deities and the "disgruntled" Charon is humorous and, yet, gives us a lot of "behind the scenes" while sounding plausible and "making sense." The ambassador's motives are clearly understandable. Kiwi's trio cast is clear and simple, captor and captives. Their motivations aren't as immediately available for the reader. But done in such a way that spurs us on to read more and figure out what exactly the situation is.
I am inclined to say neither entry is an outright "winner" here. Perhaps, the slightest edge to phoamslinger. But we'll see how the rest pans out.
2) Use of Images: Both pieces have their strong places and both fall short a bit.
Already mentioned, in Styx, the use of the ferryman image is beautifully described as well as being the core character of the story. The use of the reflection in the teapot is a stroke of genius as well as making the image significantly relevant to the storyline, above and outside of its obvious use. But then, the kiwis are...yes, kiwis. Ok. And the ruins at Salamis seem to kind of be just thrown in there, as a bit of a shoehorn. They could have been taken anywhere else...why there? Why those ruins? They did not feel necessary or special, just getting a mention. Your "postscript explanation post" (which, to my mind, skirts the edge of an "editing" of sorts) is not being taken into account for this judgement. If it was relevant to the image's use in the story, then it should have been somehow worked into the story.
Whereas in Kiwi, the use of the kiwi image as the pivotal character was a bit outside of the box and caught me as a pleasant surprise. The ruins as an example of the abominable condition Miss Hennessy has been forced to endure works fine. The teapot, again, fine, though not exactly creative. What really bothered me, though, was the use of the ferry/barge-man. It really seems a complete afterthought. There he goes off into the river on "the primitive canoe", of which we had no former mention or way of knowing was there.
I am giving phoamslinger the points here.
3) Personal Enjoyment: I liked both stories. They were both decent reads in different ways. Phoamslinger's "flashback" sequence caught me a bit off guard, but the change in tone to this unspoken seriousness that plays against the glib and grumbling Charon was thoroughly enjoyable. The further comings and goings and attempted dealings of gods trying to "fix things" fills my mind with possibilities.
FickleGM's story leaves me wanting more, which is a completely valid short story trick. What were they looking for...which the Colonel now has? How/why is this kiwi thinking? What can it smell? How did Miss Hennessy end up with it/him? What is that other "darker" smell?
My problem comes that the questions are a bit too many, for me. I get the world of Styx Freight, Inc. I know what has happened and what things are like now. In The Heart of a Kiwi we have guns and trains and planes, but they were staying in ruins...and no one, no where in all of these travels did Miss Hennessy get an opportunity to cry for help? I have very little understanding of the world in which I am supposed to become invested.
The other thing is, while I am intrigued and interested to read more of both stories, in Styx, I don't have to. It is a complete contained story as it is.
Kiwi reads, to me, as a chapter of a larger work. Leaving me wondering is fine, but I have the feeling like I am supposed to know..too much that I do not. What this artifact is (or if it even is an artifact). How the Colonel came by his captives? What it is he's after? There are just too many questions left unaddressed.
At least, that is what I am assuming is leaving me with this feeling that it isn't a contained "short story", but a fragment of some larger book. Obviously, it is a fragment of a larger tale...but I will never know what that larger tale is.
Again, my points have to go for phoamslinger in this category.
Which brings us to Steel Dragons' vote toward Round I: Match 1 Winner... phoamslinger.
