So, Imagine your SO just told you they want to get pregnant

sabrinathecat · Apr 18, 2014

What do you say to that?
One thing if we were 25, but we're both 40.

Serious replies only please.

Alan Shutko · Apr 18, 2014

Well, we already had two kids and she had some pretty serious health problems as a result of the last pregnancy, so we've both agreed we're done. But having a kid at 40, there's a lot to think about.

On the good side, people are usually more established at that age than when they're younger. We've gotten a lot better at managing our finances. Kids are expensive, but we're in a better position to afford it than when we were younger. We also have perspective: we still have all sorts of parenting paranoia but nothing is as paralyzing as it could have been had we been younger.

On the other hand, it gets riskier to have kids when you're 40. The mother is at more risk of complications from pregnancy. The child is more likely to have medical issues. Just conceiving can be difficult. The kids won't be out of the house until you're at retirement age. I find I don't have nearly as much energy as I used to, and young kids can require a bunch of energy.

We had our first kid when I was 36, and had our second when I was 38. Things are working out pretty well for us, but there are things about it that aren't easy. You definitely need to invest a lot of time talking and thinking about this.

Kramodlog · Apr 18, 2014

Say yes and put your balls in hot water every day for 10 minutes. That will make you infertile.

Umbran · Apr 18, 2014

I think my answer with respect to my real situation would be different from the answer I'd give if I were in your position.

For example, I am married. You mention SO, rather than spouse, and to me the difference matters - for me, being married includes the implicit acceptance of the possibility of kids, while being an SO doesn't. I don't know if your work and financial situation are in any way like mine, and I also think that matters. There are so many factors in deciding if having kids is a good idea for you....

I mean, the ultimate question - do you *want* kids? If the answer to that is "no", then you can full-stop right there. If the answer is, "Yes" or "I am not sure", then there are follow-on questions to ask yourself.

Dioltach · Apr 18, 2014

Umbran said:
I mean, the ultimate question - do you *want* kids? If the answer to that is "no", then you can full-stop right there. If the answer is, "Yes" or "I am not sure", then there are follow-on questions to ask yourself.

I agree. If you don't want kids, you shouldn't have them just to please your partner. And your partner shouldn't force you to start a family you don't want. That's the extreme, though, and there's probably lots of room for discussion.

My wife and I don't have children: neither of us wanted to compromise on our comfortable life, and I have principals about the issue. But when I had a vasectomy a few years ago, it was pretty much an end to any possible debate for me. My wife probably never wants kids (we're 40 and 41), but if she does get an urge that she can't resist, she knows it will have to be without me. And I know that that is still a possibility.

WayneLigon · Apr 18, 2014

sabrinathecat said:
What do you say to that?
One thing if we were 25, but we're both 40.
Serious replies only please.

At that age, I would have some serious second, third and fourth thoughts about doing it. I am adopted, and my mom was 37 years old when they did this. My dad was, I think, 43. They had finally attained a position in life where they could both afford to have a child, and where Mom did not have to work as well. I was a difficult kid and... it wore on them.

My first thought would be "You know how tired you are after a really tough day at work and then doing errands, and then having a surprise thing sprung on you at the last second once you are home and so you only ever get any rest, maybe, when you finally get to bed an hour or two later than normal and know that'll make the next day even worse? Imagine that happening every single day without a break for at least the next 10-15 years."

Another consideration to have is your health. Are you going to feel like running around for an entire day in DisneyWorld in 120-degree temperature when you're 51? Or getting involved with baseball or scouting or swimming lessons, or any number of other things? Only many years later did I realize why my parents didn't want to do a lot of things other kids parents did: they were old! They were tired! In many ways, it was like being raised by granparents. None of my friends parents were friends with mine, because many times they themselves could have been my parent's kids. There will also be one heck of a generation gap to consider, there. Your children will be like aliens to you by the time they are 20.

Also: are one of you much more likely to die and leave your partner to shoulder the entire burden? My dad died when I was 11. Do either of you want to be raising a kid by yourself when you're 50? (In fact, my parents were the youngest and also the longest-lived of any of their families, so by the time I was 11, I'd been to a score of funerals as all my relatives died off - by the time I was able to really interact with anyone on an adult level, there was only one left).

How is your support structure? Do either of your have close-by parents to take some of the burden? And if you do, well, they're in their 60's at the very least.

Now, people are having kids later these days. Longevity has gone up dramatically even since I was born. So this might not be such a concern for you as it was for me.

Olgar Shiverstone · Apr 19, 2014

One word response: "Why?" That should open up a very in-depth conversation.

In my own experience I find people don't think very hard about that question -- too much about the decision to have children has been a baked-in assumption from an early age and is never really questioned. When asked "Oh, but why don't you have children?" -- usually in a tone implying I'm somehow broken or defective -- I seldom get an intelligent response to my typical rejoinder, which is: "Why should I?" (Typical example: "You should have children to have someone to give and receive unconditional love." Really? Why not just get a dog?)

IMO there's not really any right or wrong *answer* to the question, only well- or poorly-thought out *reasons* behind the answer.

sabrinathecat · Apr 19, 2014

Yeah, seems she has been thinking about this a while. And is aware of the risks and whatnot.

I have reservations--not sure the human race is worth continuing, and not sure I want to be responsible for inflicting life on anyone, especially not someone I'm supposed to love without reservation.

So that conversation is not going to end well...

sabrinathecat · Apr 20, 2014

I thought Adoption might be a better way to go--(potentially) fewer health risks, and maybe skip the diaper stage.
Any thoughts on that? Comments? Horror Stories? Encouragements/discouragements?
Seriously--I never really looked into any of this. Most of my (mis)information is from TV shows.