Originally posted by unluckylukey:
Good or bad I think we all like some humor in our games.
Here are some DnD jokes that have been tabled in our games feel free to add to the list. I will add more if people respond with their own.
1) A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'" The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!!!!!!!!!"
Originally posted by robbypants:
This one might work more in a modern setting (or one with copper wire)
2) Q: Do you know where to first copper wire came from?
A: Two dwarves picked up a copper piece at the same time!
Originally posted by derrigan:
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean?
Littering
Originally posted by kelvinaw273:
4) "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
Originally posted by darkneolink:
5) for the goblins the orcs are powerfull enemys
for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
for our party they are around 45 XP
Originally posted by robbypants:
6) An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
Originally posted by demarest:
This is so similar to something I saw last spring that I never forgot, and I don't claim credit for the joke (it may have even been yours, Derrigan, due to the similarity in style), but I have to repeat it for the benefit of the many. Again, I claim no credit to this, and a huge thanks to whoever did create this one.
Q: What do you call 1000 gnomes buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Someone ran out of sand.
(I've actually substituted "goblins" for "gnomes" though, to agitate some we were going to be fighting.)
Originally posted by robbypants:
8) A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
Originally posted by mastermike33:
A man walks around on the fair and comes across a dwarf on a chair with a rope in his hand..
the man asks: what kind of ride is this?
the dwarf replies: bungyjumping for gnomes.
a moment later high in the sky a dragon flies by with an angry gnome on its back. the gnome yells at the dwarf on the chair: hey dwarf! i've got a ride for you too its called skydiving for dwarfs
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
Originally posted by kimokeo:
10) I was walking down the street when this orc and troll saw me carrying my +2 vorpal sword. They asked if I had taken it from the Temple of Elemental Evil. I said I hadn't, just came back from Dragon Mountain and found it in the hands of...what? An orc. Huh? Sheesh.
Gosh, I hate telling jokes to non-D&D people.
Originally posted by space_dragon:
Jesus saves.
Everyone else takes full damage.
Originally posted by pmurray@bigpond.com:
Goblin your food is bad for your elf.
Originally posted by usemagicdevice:
13) Oh, gnome you didn't!
Originally posted by pudge_is_cute:
Originally posted by guardian1:
When running low on hp, and MUST be said in deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) needs food badly!"
When leveling up, and MUST be said in a deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) has gained a level."
Gotta love the Gauntlet games.
Originally posted by brehon:
15.) An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Originally posted by makaku_dup:
Two gnomes walk into a bar,
The human steps over it.
Originally posted by dm_shonuff:
An orc walks into a bar...rubs his nose and says."Ow."
How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp?
300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics.
Why do the elves not grow facial hair?
What? and -not- be mistaken for a lovely woman?
Why do dwarves grow a beard?
to counterbalance their back hair.
What do you tell a half orc with two black eyes?
Nothing. he already has been told twice before.
How many orcs can ye fit in a barrel?
with a fireball spell...all of 'em!
How you kill Hummiez guud?
Tel dem princezz iz in dragun hole. Fetch dummie.
How you kill stinky Elvesez?
Tel dem perfume wagon on other side of pit trap! HA!
How you kill Gnomezez guud?
Walk 'round...squish squish!
Why don't dragons ever need teeth pulled?
Holy Avenger toothpicks.
Two orcs walk into town and look to a man leaning against a building sleeping next to the rear end of a donkey. The orc asks " What time it iz?" The human reaches out lifts the male Donkey's sack and hefts it up and down a bit, then looks back and says "Almost noon." The first orc gasps and the second one says " Dat amazin! How you tell time from Donkey sack?" The human looks over and lifts the Donkey's sack again and points under it. "The clocktower is over there."
A dawrf stands guard on a bridge and everyday a small halfling runs over , turns left and leaps off the bridge to great pain and injury. After a week of this the Dwarf stops the human the next time he runs up. "Whut da hell are ye doin, ya durn fool?" The halfling looks up at the Dwarf with a swollen eye and rubs his sprained wrist. "This cleric of Ilmater sold me this ring of levitation, and by gods I'm goig to make it work!"
just a few....
Originally posted by Fleck:
How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
Originally posted by metalmayhem80110:
What's the worst thing you could ever give a gnome for christmas?
-A chemistry set, because than you know the ENTIRE city is at risk.
How many drow does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Nobody knows, they don't bother. They have darkvision you n00b....
Originally posted by mock26:
Feats. That's the joke. Not the feats themselves, but the actual word chosen. In its usage it is just as lame as the term non-weapon proficiency was in its designated usage.
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
A PC decides to play a straight gnome fighter!!!! hahahahahah it will never happen but would be funny if it did.
Originally posted by mock26:
Um, there is a 7th level single-classed gnome fighter in my group at the moment.
Originally posted by ikeman04:
"You come to a fork in the road."
"I pick it up."
It comes up a lot in my group's games.
Originally posted by navar100:
Actually happened, when a DM and player were both named Matt.
DM Matt: At the end of the hallway is a locked door.
Player Matt: I wipe my feet on the doormat.
DM Matt: You kick it, but it doesn't budge.
Player Matt: No, I wipe my feet on the *doormat*.
DM Matt: There is no doormat.
Player Matt: No door? Then I walk on through.
Originally posted by Dougan_Axehammer:
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold.
Originally posted by Qube:
never had anyone in the party with weapon prof(bastard) ? or weapon proficiency (BS) ? Show
[sblock]basterd sword or bull sh*t[/sblock]
(same for focus, specialisation, ...)
Originally posted by cryosilver:
"Yo momma's so fat she has Powerful Build!"
"Two elves walked into a bar. Now there's a Bar Elf sub-race."
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
What do you call an orphan who has had his soul placed inside of a weapon?
Show
[sblock]A bastard sword.[/sblock]
What do you say to a celebrity who has had their soul placed inside a weapon at dawn?
Show
[sblock]MorningStar.[/sblock]
What did Toadie from neighbours do with the corpse of his dead wife when playing d&d a certain amount of time after the event?
Show
[sblock]roll a d20 down a hill[/sblock]
What do you call a powerful item which is in the shape of a donkey and allows you to live in a flat?
Show
[sblock] An A-mule - let [/sblock]
Originally posted by black_kitten:
Originally posted by freakoutrg:
Pickup line -
Hey baby, if you were a book you'd be the Players Handbook - lotta rules in the front, lotta magic in the back.
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
What does a homophobe have to slip his finger into at a gay bar?
Show
[sblock] A ring of protection [/sblock]
What does a desperate traveller eat in a cave?
Show
[sblock]Goblin steamed pies! [/sblock]
What do you call the most powerful joke in the d&d world?
Show
[sblock] pun-pun! [/sblock]
What do you call a cross dressing high powered creature?
Show
[sblock] a drag-on ![/sblock]
What do you call a boring speech made by a high powered creature?
Show
[sblock] a drag -on [/sblock]
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
whats the biggest joke in d&d?
Show
[sblock] 4th edition!!! [/sblock]
What do underdark elves wear?
Show
[sblock] drowsers! [/sblock]
Originally posted by damixmastermike:
54) Two Orc Barbarians come into a general store, one armed with an over-sized spoon, one with an over-sized fork. They pick out from behind the counter (much to the shop-keeps demise) a pound of salt, half a pound of pepper. Then they start pinching and poking the shop-keep. They look at eachother, satisfied, and leave the store with the shop-keep in hand.
55) A Dwarf Familiy is all sitting around at dinner when the Father Dwarf turns to his wife and says "Hey honey, why not after dinner we let the kids go outside and P.-L.-A.-Y.- so we can fcuk!"
56)Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidently swallowed by dragons
57) As the DM, I am more powerful then any real-wold god, as in D&D, NPCs don't have free-will
--------------I say this all the time
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
Ok this isn't dm related but I likey
a Hamburger walks into a bar the bar man says "we don't serve food here" he says "that's cool I will have a beer"
Originally posted by Qube:
- knock knock
- who's there?
- bump.
- bump who?
- bumb this!
Originally posted by bridgekat:
Watch the Bard go slowly crazy!
Originally posted by masterlinktm:
I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer.
There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.
The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."
The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.
The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."
Originally posted by keevo_darkwood:
Originally posted by leealucard:
A pair of Clerics are walking down the street when they encounter a pig. This pig, oddly, has only its front legs, its back end supported by a pair of wheels. The pig squeals urgently to the clerics, and walks off, turning every few steps to look back at the clerics. Realizing that the pig wanted them to follow, the clerics hurried after the animal, which led them to a farmhouse.
Inside was an injured farmer, trapped beneath a pile of fallen crates. The clerics quickly aid the man, helping him out from beneath the crates and healing him.
"Thanks a lot," said the farmer, "y'all saved my life!"
"You have your pig to thank," said one cleric.
"Yep," said the farmer, "that's the third time that the pig's saved my life!"
One of the clerics, curious, asked him, "Why does that pig only have two legs?"
The farmer replied, "You don't just eat a pig like that all at once!"
Good or bad I think we all like some humor in our games.
Here are some DnD jokes that have been tabled in our games feel free to add to the list. I will add more if people respond with their own.
1) A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'" The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!!!!!!!!!"
Originally posted by robbypants:
This one might work more in a modern setting (or one with copper wire
)2) Q: Do you know where to first copper wire came from?
A: Two dwarves picked up a copper piece at the same time!
Originally posted by derrigan:
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean?
Littering
Originally posted by kelvinaw273:
4) "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
Originally posted by darkneolink:
5) for the goblins the orcs are powerfull enemys
for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
for our party they are around 45 XP
Originally posted by robbypants:
6) An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
Originally posted by demarest:
I love this, and I hope more people post jokes like this. I can actually use this in-game, while the PCs are in taverns and inns and such.
This is so similar to something I saw last spring that I never forgot, and I don't claim credit for the joke (it may have even been yours, Derrigan, due to the similarity in style), but I have to repeat it for the benefit of the many. Again, I claim no credit to this, and a huge thanks to whoever did create this one.
Q: What do you call 1000 gnomes buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Someone ran out of sand.
(I've actually substituted "goblins" for "gnomes" though, to agitate some we were going to be fighting.)
Originally posted by robbypants:
8) A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
Originally posted by mastermike33:
A man walks around on the fair and comes across a dwarf on a chair with a rope in his hand..
the man asks: what kind of ride is this?
the dwarf replies: bungyjumping for gnomes.
a moment later high in the sky a dragon flies by with an angry gnome on its back. the gnome yells at the dwarf on the chair: hey dwarf! i've got a ride for you too its called skydiving for dwarfs
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
hahahahahha soooooooootrue
Originally posted by kimokeo:
10) I was walking down the street when this orc and troll saw me carrying my +2 vorpal sword. They asked if I had taken it from the Temple of Elemental Evil. I said I hadn't, just came back from Dragon Mountain and found it in the hands of...what? An orc. Huh? Sheesh.
Gosh, I hate telling jokes to non-D&D people.
Originally posted by space_dragon:
Jesus saves.
Everyone else takes full damage.
Originally posted by pmurray@bigpond.com:
Goblin your food is bad for your elf.
Originally posted by usemagicdevice:
13) Oh, gnome you didn't!
Originally posted by pudge_is_cute:
Originally posted by guardian1:
When running low on hp, and MUST be said in deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) needs food badly!"
When leveling up, and MUST be said in a deep voice: "(Any color) (any class) has gained a level."
Gotta love the Gauntlet games.
Originally posted by brehon:
15.) An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Originally posted by makaku_dup:
Two gnomes walk into a bar,
The human steps over it.
Originally posted by dm_shonuff:
An orc walks into a bar...rubs his nose and says."Ow."
How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp?
300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics.
Why do the elves not grow facial hair?
What? and -not- be mistaken for a lovely woman?
Why do dwarves grow a beard?
to counterbalance their back hair.
What do you tell a half orc with two black eyes?
Nothing. he already has been told twice before.
How many orcs can ye fit in a barrel?
with a fireball spell...all of 'em!
How you kill Hummiez guud?
Tel dem princezz iz in dragun hole. Fetch dummie.
How you kill stinky Elvesez?
Tel dem perfume wagon on other side of pit trap! HA!
How you kill Gnomezez guud?
Walk 'round...squish squish!
Why don't dragons ever need teeth pulled?
Holy Avenger toothpicks.
Two orcs walk into town and look to a man leaning against a building sleeping next to the rear end of a donkey. The orc asks " What time it iz?" The human reaches out lifts the male Donkey's sack and hefts it up and down a bit, then looks back and says "Almost noon." The first orc gasps and the second one says " Dat amazin! How you tell time from Donkey sack?" The human looks over and lifts the Donkey's sack again and points under it. "The clocktower is over there."
A dawrf stands guard on a bridge and everyday a small halfling runs over , turns left and leaps off the bridge to great pain and injury. After a week of this the Dwarf stops the human the next time he runs up. "Whut da hell are ye doin, ya durn fool?" The halfling looks up at the Dwarf with a swollen eye and rubs his sprained wrist. "This cleric of Ilmater sold me this ring of levitation, and by gods I'm goig to make it work!"
just a few....
Originally posted by Fleck:
How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
Originally posted by metalmayhem80110:
What's the worst thing you could ever give a gnome for christmas?
-A chemistry set, because than you know the ENTIRE city is at risk.
How many drow does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Nobody knows, they don't bother. They have darkvision you n00b....
Originally posted by mock26:
Feats. That's the joke. Not the feats themselves, but the actual word chosen. In its usage it is just as lame as the term non-weapon proficiency was in its designated usage.
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
A PC decides to play a straight gnome fighter!!!! hahahahahah it will never happen but would be funny if it did.
Originally posted by mock26:
Um, there is a 7th level single-classed gnome fighter in my group at the moment.
Originally posted by ikeman04:
"You come to a fork in the road."
"I pick it up."
It comes up a lot in my group's games.
Originally posted by navar100:
Actually happened, when a DM and player were both named Matt.
DM Matt: At the end of the hallway is a locked door.
Player Matt: I wipe my feet on the doormat.
DM Matt: You kick it, but it doesn't budge.
Player Matt: No, I wipe my feet on the *doormat*.
DM Matt: There is no doormat.
Player Matt: No door? Then I walk on through.
Originally posted by Dougan_Axehammer:
Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold.
Originally posted by Qube:
I thoughed it was "Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup".
never had anyone in the party with weapon prof(bastard) ? or weapon proficiency (BS) ? Show
[sblock]basterd sword or bull sh*t[/sblock]
(same for focus, specialisation, ...)
Originally posted by cryosilver:
"Yo momma's so fat she has Powerful Build!"
"Two elves walked into a bar. Now there's a Bar Elf sub-race."
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
What do you call an orphan who has had his soul placed inside of a weapon?
Show
[sblock]A bastard sword.[/sblock]
What do you say to a celebrity who has had their soul placed inside a weapon at dawn?
Show
[sblock]MorningStar.[/sblock]
What did Toadie from neighbours do with the corpse of his dead wife when playing d&d a certain amount of time after the event?
Show
[sblock]roll a d20 down a hill[/sblock]
What do you call a powerful item which is in the shape of a donkey and allows you to live in a flat?
Show
[sblock] An A-mule - let [/sblock]
Originally posted by black_kitten:
"Durotar, they got them all over the place" <--- Quote it well, if you quote WoW. (Durotar is the home-place of the Orcs)
Originally posted by freakoutrg:
Pickup line -
Hey baby, if you were a book you'd be the Players Handbook - lotta rules in the front, lotta magic in the back.
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
What does a homophobe have to slip his finger into at a gay bar?
Show
[sblock] A ring of protection [/sblock]
What does a desperate traveller eat in a cave?
Show
[sblock]Goblin steamed pies! [/sblock]
What do you call the most powerful joke in the d&d world?
Show
[sblock] pun-pun! [/sblock]
What do you call a cross dressing high powered creature?
Show
[sblock] a drag-on ![/sblock]
What do you call a boring speech made by a high powered creature?
Show
[sblock] a drag -on [/sblock]
Originally posted by brian_boitano:
whats the biggest joke in d&d?
Show
[sblock] 4th edition!!! [/sblock]
What do underdark elves wear?
Show
[sblock] drowsers! [/sblock]
Originally posted by damixmastermike:
54) Two Orc Barbarians come into a general store, one armed with an over-sized spoon, one with an over-sized fork. They pick out from behind the counter (much to the shop-keeps demise) a pound of salt, half a pound of pepper. Then they start pinching and poking the shop-keep. They look at eachother, satisfied, and leave the store with the shop-keep in hand.
55) A Dwarf Familiy is all sitting around at dinner when the Father Dwarf turns to his wife and says "Hey honey, why not after dinner we let the kids go outside and P.-L.-A.-Y.- so we can fcuk!"
56)Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidently swallowed by dragons
57) As the DM, I am more powerful then any real-wold god, as in D&D, NPCs don't have free-will
--------------I say this all the time
Originally posted by unluckylukey:
Ok this isn't dm related but I likey
a Hamburger walks into a bar the bar man says "we don't serve food here" he says "that's cool I will have a beer"
Originally posted by Qube:
- knock knock
- who's there?
- bump.
- bump who?
- bumb this!
Originally posted by bridgekat:
Thanks! I'm borrowing this one. At every tavern, inn and waystation that the party stops in for the next few weeks, someone is going to approach them and say "have you heard this great new joke..." and tell this one (eventually occasionally butchering the punchline).Two gnomes walk into a bar,
The human steps over it.
Watch the Bard go slowly crazy!
Originally posted by masterlinktm:
I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer.
There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.
The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."
The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.
The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."
Originally posted by keevo_darkwood:
Have a Third Base point; you've earned it.
Originally posted by leealucard:
A pair of Clerics are walking down the street when they encounter a pig. This pig, oddly, has only its front legs, its back end supported by a pair of wheels. The pig squeals urgently to the clerics, and walks off, turning every few steps to look back at the clerics. Realizing that the pig wanted them to follow, the clerics hurried after the animal, which led them to a farmhouse.
Inside was an injured farmer, trapped beneath a pile of fallen crates. The clerics quickly aid the man, helping him out from beneath the crates and healing him.
"Thanks a lot," said the farmer, "y'all saved my life!"
"You have your pig to thank," said one cleric.
"Yep," said the farmer, "that's the third time that the pig's saved my life!"
One of the clerics, curious, asked him, "Why does that pig only have two legs?"
The farmer replied, "You don't just eat a pig like that all at once!"
