CERAMIC D.M. (not the current one, a year old)

Thanks for the crits

Originally posted by alsih2o and mirthcard:
alsih2o
This is an unusual treatment for ceramic d.m., all the pictures are used decently well, if not with the most imaginative sense. i definetely laughed at this more than most

mirthcard
Succinct and to the point. alsih2o says you're the anti-me for turning in your entry so quickly, I say that you might be the anti-arwink as well ... not that length matters. Enough with the jokes, on to the criticism. I am impressed by a number of things in your story, but most of all by your strength of voice. Your nameless protagonist never falters or sways from the voice that you give him in your opening sentence and that was enough to keep me hooked throughout. I feel as if I know him as soon as he speaks - his cocksure nature, his self-deprecating humor, his nonchalant heroism - all are revealed with the precision of a razor in the hands of a surgeon. It doesn't stop there. Your use of the ingredients is top notch as well, all are integral to the plot of the
piece, all have purpose and meaning, nothing seems forced. However (you knew that was coming, didn't you?), the short length of your entry helps to keep the use of the ingredients balanced, because you don't really expound on any of them. You give the reader just enough to tantalize. That's where this entry
starts to fall apart. There simply isn't an ending. There's no closure. I like a good pun as much as the next guy, but come on. That line seems more like a cop-out. You had PLENTY of time to beef this thing up, so you can't blame it on the deadline (like I often do). And now we've gotten to the meat of the problem,
see? I want to know more! How does it end? Tell me! What does he do? Is the quandry you've put the judge in a good or a bad thing? Only time will tell ... or you could just skip to the end and find out. Unlike you, I have to give an ending - good or bad, whatever it bee.

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Thanks very much guys! If I'd been a judge, I'd have given the round to NoOne as well, his story is very good indeed (*nods to NoOne: good stuff, mate*) -- but your responses were nice to read anyway, however the voting went; I've had stuff judged before and I never got the impression it'd actually been really read through and analysed. Mirthcard gives his opinion and backs it up. Thanks for that. I'm glad you liked it -- and, I'm really sorry, but there wasn't an ending; that was all there was to it. My paltry brain didn't bother to see the story further than the punchline. Glad you liked the style though.

For the next contest, if you'll have me, I promise I'll try something serious...

*Doffs cap*

Great round Thimble the Squit.

My thanks to the judges - your money is winging its way to you via paypal, as per your request.

Now, to boldly go where NoOne(ofConsequence) has gone before - the second round of Ceramic DM.

Maldur said:

Im so sorry.

I did send my judgement to clay .

Sorry again, Im having to much of a good time.

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Piffle. Everyone knows a good judges excuse should have nothing to do with fun - it should rely on a soul destroying overload of work

Congrats to the two winners, NoOneofConsequence and Barsoomscore.

Just sent Mark my decision on arwink vs. Dark Eternal. I'm working on Speaker vs. Sniktch now. Sorry for holding things up.

arwink vs darketernal

maldur

busy at gencon uk, says arwink wins for him

alsih2o

arwink
an odd story with some odd characters i liked a lot. i loved the handling of the
skeleton pic and and its overlap with the dragonguitar pic. i also liked the bravery of
stepping into the modern realm. the idea of the gladiator image being summoned buy the
scar was an excellent addition.

dark eternal
an interesting treatment reminiscent of "mutiny on the hms bounty". i loved the deformed halfling lich, we all need one
the portal was an odd handle for em, but i did like the details on the lute.

this is a hard one to decide, but i gotta go with darketernal here, for excellent use of the imagery.


arwink:

I'm not going to beat around the bush, I REALLY liked
this story. Quite the unique approach for this event
and I found my self constantly surprised and amused by
the implied setting which you revealed through very
subtle nuances and details. The style(s?) you employed
throughout reminded me of several of my favorite
writers - Philip K. Dick, HP Lovecraft, and especially
Charles Willeford, which is an odd choice for a
fantasy piece. The length of the story never became a
problem during the reading, which I assumed it would
when I first saw it posted. The fact that my attention
never swayed should be a feather in your cap, arwink.
The piece had a definited rhythm to it, almost jazz
but not quite, almost blues too. This would do well as
a David Lynch short film, but the pacing and dialogue
smack more of David Mamet. Very solid. I could go on
and on, but I'd better bring out the critical eye as
well. You lose several points because, with the
exception of Lou, all of the other ingredients seem to
be incidental to the main story. Nick's scar is a nice
effect and gives some shading to the end of the story,
but it could easily be removed and the story would
function just as well. The same with the guitar - the
song is instrumental in bridging the gap between Jack
and Nick, but what it was played on didn't matter one
bit. The same goes for the landscape that Nick
receives in the mail. Only Lou is truly integral to
the plot, if you removed him the story would change
quite a bit, and for the worse I might add. So is that
enough to bring you down? Wait and see...

Dark Eternal:

Man, do I want to game with you. A four-armed
Thri-kreen bard with a double-neck intelligent
guitar?!? A halfling lich with a brainpan the size of
Cleveland?!? You're like the Spinal Tap of
role-playing goodness. Turn the volume up to 11,
brother, cuz I WANNA ROCK!!!! But seriously ... your
use of those two ingredients is very distinct and
inventive and earns you major points. However, the
other two ingredients, while used semi-effectively in
the plot of the story, do feel a bit more tacked on,
and certainly not as cool. I have a feeling that you,
like mystraschosen above, could have benefitted
from writing this up as an adventure rather than a
story. As a narrative, the piece falls apart in
several places - grammar, pacing, structure (see my
critique of mystraschosen's entry because much of it
is relevant to yours) - but particularly your choice
of voice caused your story to stop dead in its tracks.
Your use of the archaic and modern vernacular changes
like the tide and is very disconcerting for the
reader. I know it was done in order to make your
paladin sound more regal and "proper," but it had the
opposite effect, unfortunately. Perhaps if the voice
had been consistent instead of sounding "put on" then
I wouldn't have minded so much. As it is though, I
kept finding my "willing suspension of disbelief"
failing and I was subsequently thrown out of the
story. In summary, there are a bunch of good ideas in
here that get lost beneath a mass of misplaced jargon.
As I said for mystraschosen, if you ever write this up
as an adventure, I would love to see it.

I give this round to arwink for his alcohol-infused brain-bender.


2-1, arwink takes it

Just sent in Speaker vs. Sniktch. Again, sorry for the holdup people. I remember quite well how nervewracking it was to wait for those decisions to trickle in.

sniktch vsspeaker

maldur, busy at gencon uk says sniktch

alsih2o

speaker, good story, interesting and with a neat twist. i like how the rose pic was used especially.

sniktch, straight from light to darkness, i like the use of the "under shrub" pic, and the mask one is ok.

2 good stories, but i have yto go with speaker, for his non-active ending that adds a special twist :0

mirthcard


Speaker:
They call me Heatmiser ... Ah Rankin & Bass, wherefore
art thou? ... Anyway ... I like the balance created
here. And Fell not only smacks of someone from the
Isle of Misfit Toys, he also has a bit of the ol'
Raistlin about him, no? When done well, a subtle
homage like that is not a bad thing. What you have
here is a good solid entry. There's just enough detail
to give depth to the setting and the characters. Very
nice use of ingredients, with the exception of the
polar bears (but I like the image, so I'll go a bit
easier on you). The story also has all the earmarks of
the aforementioned early (i.e. good) Weis/Hickman
gaming fiction. It hard to find fault with what's
here. My only caveat to the whole piece is that the
ending just rings a bit hollow to me. Thematically it
fits, I know, but I wanted Wen to "win" AND for the
other two who used her to get some kind of
comeuppance. That lack of true resolution almost makes
the rest of the story before it pointless ... almost.

Sniktch:
I love the imagery you provide here. The visuals pop
out of the page as I read along. Each of the
ingredients is a well-defined and distinct part of the
story. The polar bears connect us to Svetlana & the
unnamed, undead narrator who in turn connects us to
the landscape of white which brings us to our
antagonist. The flow is good and the underlying mood
of quiet desperation stays with the reader from the
first sentence. Yet there are transitions in the piece
that leave me a bit lost. What happened to Svetlana
and her companion? Avalanche, magical spell ... ? Who
is the woman that is seen at the end? The narrator may
know her but I certainly don't. Death perhaps? The
last sentence(s) seem to speak for the whole of the
story itself: "Now I know everything. And nothing."

Speaker wins this extremely close round only because
his was the less obtuse to this simple-minded judge.

that 2 to 1 for speaker

so, it falls like this for the matchups-

nooneofconsequence vs barsoomcore

arwink vs defending champ speaker

new round starts in the morning gentlemen

ay, ay, ay....

Props to mirthcard for his lengthy and detailed critiques.

*looks over NOOC's entry again, and shudders*

Aaaaand -

I'm out.

I'm quite flattered that it was as close a call as it was. My thanks to Mirthcard for his expository - it helps me a lot to have such a detailed critique of my submission. Helps me to identify the points I need to work on as a writer, which I need. My thanks to the other two judges as well - particularly AlSiH2O ( ) - for their time. And, most of all - to Arwink, my congratulations! To be honest, I figured I was sunk as soon as I read your story, dude - it was just damn good.

Good luck to all of you in the second round - I'll be watching this thread with intense interest. If the next set of submissions are as good as these were, it'll be great reading!

Mirthcard - I really had intended to submit an adventure instead of a narrative. Sounds like I should have gone with my gut on that decision... *sighs* When will I learn to trust my feelings? A Jedi, I am not. In any case, look for a rewrite of my submission in adventure form - I'll post it to the board sometime this week.

Thanks again to everyone; it was great fun competing, and I hope to make a better showing next time around!