hawkeyefan
Legend
Congrats to @MortalPlague! I definitely dug your adventure. I especially liked the medisa and her drones...I thiught that was really clever. Good luck in the final round!
The most obvious issue with mine is the length. All I can say is this was a case of real life interfering with the contest. I was dealing with something at work all day and the figure 1550 was involved. That number got stuck in my head, and became my target goal...I got my entry to 1545 and thought I was good. As soon as I read the first judgment I was like now way I know I got it under....ohhhh ooops. Pretty funny.
@Iron Sky and [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION] I realize now that I should have broken up my paragraphs more. I think I was trying for a more uniform look, but functionality should have taken precedent. And the bit where I kind of went into King’s mindset without using quotes...I thought it made sense, but both judges mentioned it, so it was obviously unclear. I should have thrown some quotes around it.
The DNA/autopsy angle is a bit unclear. I thought that I implied that an autopsy was done because they were unsure what cause Miranda to crash, so they were looking for a cause. I originally mentioned a bit about Delta Green having access to any medical records where certain red flags came up....DNA irregularities that wouldn’t be noticed by standard ME but would register in their system as a risk. It seemed an overly long explanation so I cut it in the interest of the word count. Also, the rules say that the entry can be an adventure synopsis, so I figured such a detail was unnecessary. But again, both judges mentioned it, so it was definitely an issue, even if a minor one.
For the ingredients, just to clarify:
- High Toll- the toll on King, the possible toll on the town if Sayer isn’t stopped, and finally the possible toll on the town if Delta Green decides they need to blow it up (I think this last one was lost due to the word limit being exceeded, but is also implied in the Briefing section).
- Affluent Panhandler- A connected agent to a powerful covert agency, who goes mad and winds up begging in a park. I even named him King to give it a bit more. I had some dialogue in the park where he was tossing breadcrumbs and muttering about being the “king of pigeons”, but I had to cut it.
- Indignant Retort- this was indeed King’s progress report at the start.
Thanks for taking the time to read my entries, and those of everyone else. I’m sure this is time consuming, and you guys have all been giving really detailed and solid feedback. It was fun...I’m glad I was able to take part. Looking forward to seeing how it tirns out.
The most obvious issue with mine is the length. All I can say is this was a case of real life interfering with the contest. I was dealing with something at work all day and the figure 1550 was involved. That number got stuck in my head, and became my target goal...I got my entry to 1545 and thought I was good. As soon as I read the first judgment I was like now way I know I got it under....ohhhh ooops. Pretty funny.
@Iron Sky and [MENTION=34958]Deuce Traveler[/MENTION] I realize now that I should have broken up my paragraphs more. I think I was trying for a more uniform look, but functionality should have taken precedent. And the bit where I kind of went into King’s mindset without using quotes...I thought it made sense, but both judges mentioned it, so it was obviously unclear. I should have thrown some quotes around it.
The DNA/autopsy angle is a bit unclear. I thought that I implied that an autopsy was done because they were unsure what cause Miranda to crash, so they were looking for a cause. I originally mentioned a bit about Delta Green having access to any medical records where certain red flags came up....DNA irregularities that wouldn’t be noticed by standard ME but would register in their system as a risk. It seemed an overly long explanation so I cut it in the interest of the word count. Also, the rules say that the entry can be an adventure synopsis, so I figured such a detail was unnecessary. But again, both judges mentioned it, so it was definitely an issue, even if a minor one.
For the ingredients, just to clarify:
- High Toll- the toll on King, the possible toll on the town if Sayer isn’t stopped, and finally the possible toll on the town if Delta Green decides they need to blow it up (I think this last one was lost due to the word limit being exceeded, but is also implied in the Briefing section).
- Affluent Panhandler- A connected agent to a powerful covert agency, who goes mad and winds up begging in a park. I even named him King to give it a bit more. I had some dialogue in the park where he was tossing breadcrumbs and muttering about being the “king of pigeons”, but I had to cut it.
- Indignant Retort- this was indeed King’s progress report at the start.
Thanks for taking the time to read my entries, and those of everyone else. I’m sure this is time consuming, and you guys have all been giving really detailed and solid feedback. It was fun...I’m glad I was able to take part. Looking forward to seeing how it tirns out.