Super Silly Monster Thread!!!

Yes, I am speeblefreak.

Muffin
http://boards1.wizards.com/showpost.php?p=8770888

Death Penguin Swarm
http://boards1.wizards.com/showpost.php?p=8765731&postcount=2

Tingle
http://boards1.wizards.com/showpost.php?p=8829553&postcount=168

Bump

I originally posted this over at the Giant In the Playground website (Giantitp.com) but that site seems to be having some issues so I figured I would repost this here.


Angel, Dairymaid
Medium Outsider (Angel, Extraplanar, Good)
Hit Dice: 10d8+40 (85 hp)
Initiative: +4
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares), Fly 60 ft (good)
Armor Class: 24 (+4 Dex, +10 natural), touch 14, flat-footed 20
Base Attack/Grapple: +10/+15
Attack: +2 bull leader +17 melee (2d4+9/x3)
Full Attack: +2 bull leader +17/+12 melee (2d4+9/x3) or slam +15 melee (2d8+7)
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Spell-like abilities
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft.; low-light vision; immunity to acid, cold and petrification; resistance to electricity 10 and fire 10, protective aura, tongues
Saves: Fort +11 (+15 against poison), Ref +11, Will +11
Abilities: Str 20, Dex 18, Con 18, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 18
Skills: Concentration+17 , Knowledge (Any 2) +17, Diplomacy +17, Handle Animal +19 (+29 Bovines), Heal +17, Listen +17, Move Silently +17, Profession (Dairy Farmer) +17, Ride +19, Spot +17, Spellcraft +7, Use Magic Device +17, Survival +7 (aboveground natural environments only)
Feats: Animal Affinity, Mounted Combat, Power Attack, Ride-By Attack,
Environment: Amonia, 1^st layer of the Blessed Fields of Elysium usually near the shores of the River Oceanus
Organization: Solitary or with United Defense of Dairymaids in Elysium, Regional Society
Challenge Rating: 9
Treasure: Standard
Alignment: Always Neutral Good
Advancement: 11-20 (Large)
Level Adjustment: —

The dairymaids of Elysium appear as bronzed humanlike creatures with long feathery wings, wearing a traditional milkmaid uniform. They are about 5½ feet tall and weigh 150 lbs.

The United Defense of Dairymaids in Elysium, Regional Society is a union of angelic dairymaids created by a sisterhood of angels who retired from the rigors of the Blood Ward to the farmlands of Amonia near the river Oceanus in order to promote an agricultural community for the betterment of all the local inhabitants.

When the Butter Churns of Io became available, the sisters petitioned the Powers of Olympus to let them guard the minor artifacts. These magical devices are used to make the magical butters the sisters sell on the various planes.

While the angels are mostly pastoral farmers, they have been known to ride their mounts (celestial war bulls) into battle. The celestial war bulls are male celestial cattle and have 2 more hit dice than holy cows. They are specifically bred for riding, require 6 weeks of training, and can wear special saddles. Dairymaids eschew wearing armor, preferring to ride into battle in their more comfortable milkmaid uniforms.

The dairymaids speak Abyssal, Celestial, Common, Draconic, Giant, Infernal, and Sylvan, though they can speak with almost any creature because of their tongues ability.

Combat
There is nothing more fierce (nor more comical) than an angelic dairymaid riding her celestial war bull into battle while brandishing a fierce bull leader against her enemies. She can indeed lead you around by your nose! See bull leader stats below.

Protective Aura (Su): Against attacks made or effects created by evil creatures, this ability provides a +4 deflection bonus to AC and a +4 resistance bonus on saving throws to anyone within 20 feet of the angel. Otherwise, it functions as a magic circle against evil effect and a lesser globe of invulnerability, both with a radius of 20 feet (caster level equals angel's HD). (The defensive benefits from the circle are not included in an angel's statistics block.)

Spell-like Abilities: At will—aid, calm animal, animal messenger, bear’s endurance, bull’s strength, 7/day—cure light wounds; 1/day—flame strike. Caster level 10. The saves are Charisma-based.

Tongues (Su): All angels can speak with any creature that has a language, as though using a tongues spell (caster level equal to
angel's Hit Dice). This ability is always active.

Skills: Angelic dairymaids have a natural bonus of +10 to handle animals that are bovines and cow-like creatures including dire cattle, gorgons, oxen, hell bovines from the Diablo web enhancement, stench kows, etc.)

A Bull leader is a pole about 6 feet long with a spring clip on the end to snare the bull's nose ring. It enables the handler to keep the bull moving forward without any risk that the bull can come too close. With a bull leader, you get a +2 bonus on opposed attack rolls made to disarm an opponent (including the roll to avoid being disarmed if such an attempt fails). The bull leader uses the same stats as a ranseur. It is a two-handed, exotic, reach weapon.


Io’s Butter Churns
These three-feet wide, barrel-shaped, wooden butter churns were given to the Dairymaids after the churns outlived their usefulness in humiliating Io for her affair with Zeus. Despite their ominous beginnings, the churns allows the dairymaids to create their wonderful magical butters made from the milk of Holy Cows. Each butter churn can create a single magical butter at the rate of 100 lbs per day. The type of butter created in the churns depends upon the ingredients used.

Strong transmutation, CL 20 Weight 25 lbs (when empty); 125 lbs when full of butter.


Holy Cow
Large Magical Beast
Hit Dice: 5d8+15 (37 hp)
Initiative: +0
Speed: 40 ft. (8 squares)
Armor Class: 13 (-1 size, +4 natural), touch 9, flat-footed 13
Base Attack/Grapple: +3/+13
Attack: Gore +8 melee (1d8+9)
Full Attack: Gore +8 melee (1d8+9)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Smite Evil, Stampede
Special Qualities: Low-light vision, scent, Darkvision 60 ft., resistance to acid, cold, and electricity 5, Spell resistance 10, Damage Reduction 5/magic
Saves: Fort +7, Ref +4, Will +1
Abilities: Str 22, Dex 10, Con 16, Int 3, Wis 11, Cha 4
Skills: Listen +7, Spot +5
Feats: Alertness, Endurance
Environment: Amoria (Blessed Fields of Elysium)
Organization: Solitary or herd (6-30)
Challenge Rating: 3
Alignment: Any Good
Advancement: 6-7 HD (Large)
Level Adjustment: +2

These herd animals can be aggressive when protecting young and during the mating season, but they generally prefer flight to fighting. A holy cow stands more than 6 feet tall at the shoulder and is 9 to 12 feet long. It weighs 1,800 to 2,400 pounds. Holy cows are celestial cows that are tended by the Angelic Dairymaids for their abundant milk production. Holy cows are more regal and more beautiful than their earthly counterparts. They frequently have a metallic sheen to their glossy hides.

Smite Evil (Su): Once per day a holy cow can make a normal melee attack to deal extra damage equal to its HD against an evil foe.

Stampede (Ex): A frightened herd of holy cows flees as a group in a random direction (but always away from the perceived source of danger). They literally run over anything of Large size or smaller that gets in their way, dealing 1d12 points of damage for each five cows in the herd (Reflex DC 18 half). The save DC is Strength-based.

Debby

I also converted Terry Pratchett's Pictsies from his book, The Wee Free Men.

Pictsies (Nac Mac Feegle)
Diminutive Fey
Hit Dice: 4d8+24 (59 hp)
Initiative: +3 (Dex)
Speed: 40 ft., Climb 30 ft.
Armor Class: 19 (+4 size, +3 Dex, +2 natural) touch 17, flat footed 16
Base Attack/Grapple: +2/-2
Attack: Head butt +12 melee (1d4+6) or +1 Pictsie Sword +13 melee (1d3+7)
Full Attack: Head butt +12 melee (1d4+6) or +1 Pictsie Sword +13 melee (1d3+7)
Space/Reach: 1 ft./0 ft.
Special Attacks: The crawstep, mousepipes
Special Qualities: Drink like a demon, fear immunity, hard-headed, spell-like ability
Saves: Fort +11, Ref +7, Will +3
Abilities: Str 22, Con 22, Dex 15, Int 6, Wis 8, Cha 8
Skills: Hide +19 , Sleight of hand +7, Move Silently +7, Open Lock +7, Knowledge (local) +7
Feats: Toughness, Diehard^B, Great Fortitude
Organization: Solitary or Clan
Challenge Rating: 3
Treasure: standard plus +1 pictsie sword
Alignment: Always chaotic
Advancement: By class (usually fighter or bard)
Level Adjustment —*

“Nac Mac Feegle! The Wee Free Men! Nae King! Nae quin! Nae laird! Nae master! We willna be fooled again!" The Nac Mac Feegle (aka The Wee Free Men) are a clan of hard-drinking, sheep-stealing, sword-wielding, 6-inch tall blue men with red beards who are as fierce and proud as they are funny.

Every clan of pictsies is led by a female kelda. All pictsies in a single clan are either the offspring or brothers of the kelda. Any daughters of a kelda are sent to marry a member of a neighboring clan. It is uncommon for any but a pictsie to become a kelda, but it has happened.

Despite their love of fighting and stealing, pictsies take their duties and their vows very seriously. Moreover, they do not condone stealing from those who are poor.

All pictsies carry a +1 pictsie sword, which glows blue in the presence of lawyers. While they have a superstitious fear of having their names written, they fear little else. They speak a heavily accented form of Common and Sylvan.

Combat

The Crawstep (Su): Once per day, a single pictsie may use the crawstep to travel to another local plane. This effect is similar to plane shift and affects the pictsie, anyone in the pictsies' clan (real or honorary), and up to 10 lbs. of matter per pictsie.

Drink like a Demon (Ex): A pictsie’s body handles alcohol differently from other people's bodies. They can drink a large (for a pictsie) tankard of ale, a bottle of wine, or a corresponding amount of stronger alcohol as a move-equivalent action. Every bottle or tankard of alcohol a pictsie consumes during combat, reduces his Dexterity, Wisdom, and Intelligence by 1 point each, but increases his Strength or Constitution (DM’s choice) by 1 point. However, his Reflex save bonus, Dexterity bonus to Tumble, and AC bonus remain at their original levels regardless of his new Dexterity modifier. A pictsie’s body metabolizes one drink per hour, reducing both the penalties and the bonus accordingly. Pictsies only gain the Strength and Constitution bonuses for alcohol drunk during a fight, and the bonuses only last until the end of the combat. (The penalties disappear more gradually.) What quantity of alcohol constitutes a "drink" is deliberately left undefined.

Fear Immunity (Su): Pictsies are immune to fear effects that stem from a non-lawful source.

Hard Headed (Ex): If a pictsie successfully head butts an opponent, the opponent must make a Fortitude save (DC 20) or fall unconscious for 1d4+2 rounds. The save is Strength based. Kicking a pictsie in the head does no damage to the pictsie, but causes 1d4 points of damage to the kicker. Pictsies have been known to accidentally kick themselves in the head.

Spell-Like Ability: At will, a pictsie can haste itself as the spell. Treat as CL 8.

Mousepipes: One member of every pictsie clan is a bard (known as a Gonnagle), capable of playing the mousepipes. This musical instrument resembles the bagpipes of Scotland though much smaller. Its high-pitched tones can only be heard by creatures capable of hearing sounds above the normal human range. Any canine creature (including undead, monstrous beasts and aberrations with canine features) hearing the sound of the mousepipes takes 1d4 points of sonic damage plus an additional point of damage for every level of bard and is panicked.

A panicked creature must drop anything it holds and flee at top speed from the source of its fear, as well as any other dangers it encounters, along a random path. It can’t take any other actions. In addition, the creature takes a -2 penalty on all saving throws, skill checks, and ability checks. If cornered, a panicked creature cowers. A panicked creature can use special abilities, including spells, to flee; indeed, the creature must use such means if they are the only way to escape.

Skills: Pictsies gain a +2 racial bonus to Knowledge (local). They aren't terribly bright in other areas.

A creature with a climb speed has a +8 racial bonus on all Climb checks. The creature must make a Climb check to climb any wall or slope with a DC higher than 0, but it always can choose to take 10, even if rushed or threatened while climbing. If a creature with a climb speed chooses an accelerated climb (see above), it moves at double its climb speed (or at its land speed, whichever is slower) and makes a single Climb check at a -5 penalty. Such a creature retains its Dexterity bonus to Armor Class (if any) while climbing, and opponents get no special bonus to their attacks against it. It cannot, however, use the run action while climbing.

Pictsies have a +12 bonus to Hide due to their Diminutive Size.

Lore: A Knowledge (Nature) check reveals the following:

*While it is within the realm of possibility to play a pictsie, it probably isn't a good idea as the level adjustment would be at least +2. A more typical PC pictsie would have the following changes to his stats: +4 to Str and Con, +2 Dex, -4 Int -2 Wis and Cha

Here is my conversion of Tock the Watchdog from The Phantom Tollboth. The book was one of my childhood favorites.

Watchdog
Large Magical Beast (Extraplanar)
Hit dice: 6d10+12 (45 hp)
Speed: 30 feet (6 squares)
Armor Class: 15 (-1 Size, +2 Dex, +4 Natural), touch 11, flat-footed 13
Base Attack/Grapple: +6/ +16
Attack: Bite +12 melee (1d8+6)
Full Attack: Bite +12 melee (1d8+6)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./5 ft.
Special Attacks: Alarm, bark, time wounds all heels
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 feet, low-light vision, scent, time flies, time heals all wounds
Saves: Fort +7, Ref +7, Will +3
Abilities: Str 23 (+6), Dex 15 (+2), Con 15 (+2), Int 10 (+0), Wis 12 (+1), Cha 6 (-2)
Skills: Jump +14, Listen +7, Spot +7, *Survival +5, Swim +8
Feats: Alertness, Track, Weapon Focus (Bite)
Environment: The Lands Beyond, usually in the Doldrums
Organization: Solitary or Pack (5-12)
Challenge Rating: 5
Treasure: None
Alignment: Always Lawful Good
Advancement: 7 HD (Large) 8-14 HD (Huge)
Level Adjustment: —

A watchdog resembles a brown shaggy dog with a grossly oversized pocketwatch embedded in its side. These creatures are the guardians of time and protect those who unwittingly become trapped by the lethargians whose sole purpose in the Doldrums is to exert every variation of "doing nothing."

Watchdogs are fierce and loyal companions and are always dependable as well as punctual. Although they are bred for gruffness, their main purpose is to see that time is being used wisely. Watchdogs have a completely different mindset regarding relationships. They do not pairbond. The male abandons the female after mating and leaves her to raise the puppies alone. Once the puppies are weaned (6-8 weeks), they are fostered out and begin training. After they reach adulthood in 10 to 12 months, each watchdog is assigned his or her post. Nevertheless, watchdogs take great pride in their lineage. Watchdogs are short lived, rarely living beyond 20 years, which may explain their stoic outlook.

When necessary, a watch dog can move at the speed of time (see time flies). They can carry up to four passengers of Medium size. A watchdog can fight while carrying a rider, but the rider cannot also attack unless he or she succeeds on a Ride check.

Due to their pocketwatches, watchdogs have a innate ability to always know the correct time. A slain watchdog’s pocketwatch immediately stops working. It can be removed but any repair requires a DC 30 Engineering or Craft (Blacksmith) or Craft (Clockwork) skill check and requires the repairer to have the Craft Wondrous Item feat. In the hands of anyone but a watchdog, the watch merely acts as a normal, though very large, pocketwatch weighing a hefty 50 pounds.

Watchdogs can speak Common but prefer to listen more than talk. A typical watchdog weighs 800 pounds.

Combat

Watchdogs patrol their areas with fierce determination. Intruders are generally put off by a watchdog’s standard alarm and normal growl. When confronted with more obstinate foes, a watchdog will use its bark to stun them and then attacks with its bite.

Alarm (Sp): A watchdog’s alarm can be set to go off at will or be set to a specific time. The alarm has two settings. Setting the alarm is a standard action for a watchdog. The first setting acts exactly like an alarm spell; caster level is 6. The second setting is much louder and anyone hearing it (no saving throw) is temporarily deafened 1d4 rounds. Creatures who cannot hear are unaffected. A watchdog is never deafened by his own alarm or by the alarm of other watchdogs.

Bark (Su): A watchdog’s bark is worse than his bite. This is a sonic attack which stuns an opponent within 60 feet of the watchdog for 1 round per hit die of the watchdog (DC 15 Fort negates). The DC is Constitution based. A watchdog can bark once every four rounds. A watchdog is immune to his own bark and the bark of other watchdogs.

Time Flies (Sp): Once per week, a watchdog can fly as per the spell but at quadruple speed (240 feet, Good maneuverability); Caster Level is 6. Watchdogs intensely dislike flying and only use this as a last resort. Anyone carried on the back of a flying watchdog is disoriented and becomes nauseated for 1d4 rounds after landing (no save). Creatures that have their own fly speed are immune to the disorienting effect.

Time Heals All Wounds (Su): Once per day, a watchdog can heal 1d6 points of damage by licking a wound on itself or on another.

Time Wounds All Heels (Su): Creatures with an evil subtype take an additional 1d6 points of damage from a watchdog’s bite.

Skills: Watchdogs have a +4 racial bonus on Jump checks. *Watchdogs have a +4 racial bonus on Survival checks when tracking by scent.

Carrying Capacity

As a quadruped, a watchdog can carry much more than its strength would imply. A light load for a watchdog is up to 600 pounds; a medium load, 601-1,200 pounds; and a heavy load, 1,201 to 1,800 pounds. A watchdog can drag 9,000 pounds.

Lore
Characters with Bardic Knowledge or with ranks in Knowledge (the Planes) can learn more about watchdogs. When the character makes a skill check, the following lore is revealed, including the information from lower DCs.
Adventure Hooks

• A band of lethargians (see below) has left the Doldrums and is seeking to invade a swamp near the PCs. A watchdog has been sent to alert the locals and to offer any assistance.
• Dognapped! A litter of watchdogs has been stolen and it is up to the PCs to retrieve the puppies.
• A deceased watchdog's pocketwatch has been stolen from the Hall of the Fallen (a mausoleum which displays the pocketwatches of the greatest watchdogs whoever lived). The heirs of the deceased request the PCs to find the missing item.
• A watchdog has been corrupted and enslaved by a covey of hags. The PCs are recruited to stop the nefarious plans.

Designer Notes: Watchdog is loosely based off the character Tock from The Phantom Tollbooth. The watchdog has 18 skill points; I put 4 ranks into Jump, Listen, Spot and Survival and 2 ranks into Swim. They are long rather than tall creatures.

Bonus Information: Lethargians are goblins with the Gelatinous Creature Template (from Savage Species) with the following exceptions: They have an Int of 5. They have an Aura of Lethergy (Su): Any creature within 30 feet of a Lethargian is slowed as per the spell; CL is 7. They prefer bogs, swamps and any place mud accumulates. They have darkvision 60 feet and blindsense 60 feet. They are sensitive to light and sound and greatly fear the watchdogs.