5E Advanced Thoughts on all the PHB Classes
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    Advanced Thoughts on all the PHB Classes

    Having DMd and/or played a few of these classes, I thought I'd provide my own guide to the classes. H/T @Zardnaar

    Each class will have a rating, with the following ratings being used:

    Whatever: Like, totes awesome.
    Ya know: I mean, sure?
    Meh: Meh.
    As if: Not even.
    Really?: Kanye singing without autotune.
    Paladin: Paladin

    Barbarian-
    Berserker (As if) It's like 90s Bowie. Great concept, don't feel like playing it.
    Totem (Ya know) Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible; great for what it is, but what is it?

    Bard
    Valor (Meh) It's like when you first saw Meatloaf- either the singer, or the food.
    Lore (Ya know) This is more of a discarded Led Zepplin song.


    Cleric (Meh) It's the entire Vampire Weekend catalog. It's great and all, but still.

    Druid
    Moon (Ya know) It's that friend of yours who really likes Rush - good for them!
    Land (As if) This is the time that you heard Air Supply was still touring.


    Fighter
    Champion (Whatever) You might hate Yacht Rock, but then you really like Steely Dan.
    Battlemaster (Meh) You keep wondering why Michael Gondry hasn't made more films.
    Eldritch Knight (Really?) Garth Brooks has a whole Chris Gaines phase. That was his Eldritch Knight.


    Monk
    Open Hand (Whatever) Remember Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder? Yeah, you weren't expecting that.
    Shadow (Whatever) Bloopers/closing credits in a Jackie Chan movie.
    Elemental (Really?) Phantom Menace.


    Paladin.
    All archetypes (Paladin). The razor and the eye in Un Chien Andalou.

    Ranger
    Hunter (As if) A-ha's third best song.
    Beastmaster (Really?) Turner & Hooch.

    Rogue
    Thief (Whatever) Jim Morrison in the Doors.
    Assassin (Ya know) Val Kilmer playing Jim Morrison in the Doors.
    Arcane Trickster (Really?) Extended keyboard solos in the Doors.


    Sorcerer
    Dragon (Meh) Smells like Teen Spirit- the muzak version.
    Wildmage (Meh) The scene in office space where Michael Bolton is playing hip hop too loud, and rolls up his window and slides down.


    Warlock
    all patrons/pacts (Whatever) That time you watched Mr. Robot, and that annoying friend kept saying, "Dude, it's an unreliable narrator, just like Nabokov," until you punched him.


    Wizard (Meh)
    So your friends dragged you to a Neil Diamond tribute concert, and you had a great time, and you loved it, and you got all the music, and then you listened to it at home, and you realized ... eh ... it kinda sucks.
    Last edited by lowkey13; Wednesday, 12th April, 2017 at 05:25 PM.
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    I think you're underrating paladins.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TwoSix View Post
    I think you're underrating paladins.
    To be fair, this was an extremely long effort just to make sure that Paladins got the proper rating.
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    Advanced Thoughts on all the PHB Classes

    I think you are saying you don't enjoy Garth Brooks' Chris Gaines phase, but I can't be certain, as you attached it to your review of the totally Listening to Space Oddity on your brother's vinyl for the first time, Eldritch Knight.


    *edited for grammar

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    Quote Originally Posted by DJCupboard View Post
    I think you are saying you don't enjoy Garth Brooks' Chris Gaines phase, but I can't be certain, as you attached it to your review of the totally Listening to Space Oddity on your brother's vinyl for the first time, Eldritch Knight.


    *edited for grammar
    That's not quite how I'd judge it. I'd say that it's more like if Wes Anderson was told to direct an episode of Blue Bloods written by Quentin Tarantino in the style of Wes Craven, but decided to fill it up with JJ Abrams lens flares. Kinda like that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lowkey13 View Post
    That's not quite how I'd judge it. I'd say that it's more like if Wes Anderson was told to direct an episode of Blue Bloods written by Quentin Tarantino in the style of Wes Craven, but decided to fill it up with JJ Abrams lens flares. Kinda like that.
    No, I still think it's more like the cast of Firefly on a special episode of NCIS.


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    Quote Originally Posted by DJCupboard View Post
    No, I still think it's more like the cast of Firefly on a special episode of NCIS.
    Kind of like the very special Mr. Robot / Big Bang Theory crossover?

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    Quote Originally Posted by lowkey13 View Post
    Kind of like the very special Mr. Robot / Big Bang Theory crossover?
    Exactly. A very popular, but kind of boring chassis with something genuinely magical added in.


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    Quote Originally Posted by DJCupboard View Post
    Exactly. A very popular, but kind of boring chassis with something genuinely magical added in.
    Are you sure it's that? What if it's more, you know, the cast and characters from Big Bang Theory transported into the milieu of Mr. Robot?

    Sheldon: “A simple program, a worm that can make data unreadable, malware that took Leonard maybe two hours to code. Is that really all it will take to make Netflix switch back to a star rating system? Shouldn’t I be enjoying this?”

    Penny: "I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot."

    Sheldon: "Well, I try. Me and Ghost Dad from HEATHERS!"

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    How did you know I punched my annoying friend because he wouldn't shut up about the unreliable narrator?

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