5E Tales From The Awning Pothole
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  1. #1
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    Tales From The Awning Pothole

    Foghorn was happy. Since he had retired from adventuring and hung up his Battleaxe1, keeping a tavern was what he did now and he was enjoying it. The striped canvas awning above his head rustled gently in the breeze; it was covering the place where some totally disinterested old school druids had removed the thatched roof and let the rain in. Foghorn would tell you the story behind that, if you bought him a pint.

    He noted with satisfaction the polished oak railings around the pothole in the middle of the floor. They were made from the old roof timbers - nothing went to waste. The pothole had been made by duergar miners who had been holding their map upside down. For another pint, Foghorn would tell you the story of that too.

    His business partner Sister Jericho emerged from the cellars. She was in charge of the dry white wine supplies. She was technically still a Cleric of Lefthander but she was on first-name terms with the goddess Athena and that never did any harm. She had retired too, although she still wore her Ring of Invincibility, mainly because it could never be removed by mortal means, but it was quite useful to be immune to all damage in case she slipped on the cellar steps or caught her hand on a broken wine bottle. Her bronze mirror shield Rebound hung on the wall opposite the bar, cleverly positioned so that the waitresses could keep an eye on all the tables at once.

    Well, I say waitresses because that's how they dressed when they pretended to be working, but actually they were co-owners of the tavern and immensely wealthy in their own right. Also, immensely stealthy in their own right too - they were Ronni the Rogue, Keyes the Thief and Knife the Assassin. And, no, they didn't talk about their past exploits even if you bought them very expensive glasses of brandy with little umbrellas in them. But you are welcome to try.

    The door opened and in walked ...



    This thread is a continuation of the collaborative story in an earlier thread (starting at post #314) and, possibly less directly, of the one in the funniest thread ever (starting at post #174).

    The basic premise is that we take turns to construct a story in a D&D-like setting but concentrating on the narrative without talking about the mechanics of dice rolling, stats, and so on that would be involved in playing an actual game. We just make stuff up.

    Feel free to join in and post anything you like, but please try to advance the story in some plausible way and don't contradict anything that has already been posted. Humourous and unexpected twists in the story are always welcome, in fact they are practically de rigeur.

    Posting once a day seems to work out about right - it allows everyone to have a turn if they want to, and more often than that tends to lead to cross-posting and confusion.

    One piece of advice - don't get too keen on your own particular sub-plot; by the time of your next post, it could have been blown out of the water by someone else taking the story in a completely different direction.

    When you post, you can direct any and all of the extant characters. It's not like a game where you only control your own character; it's more like a situation where all of the characters are DMPCs and you are the DM at the moment.

    You can introduce new characters if you like, but don't get too attached to them - all the characters in the story are under the control of whoever posts next and sometimes characters leave the narrative for suitably compelling reasons.

    Remember, it's for fun.



    1 Mr Choppy Chop, +3 Vorpal Battleaxe of Thunder, a personal gift from the god Thor. Inscribed Hoc Fecit Hephaestus on the haft. The legendary taker of many heads, notably in ancient Sparta.
    Last edited by BoldItalic; Thursday, 6th July, 2017 at 08:37 PM.
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  2. #2
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    The door opened and in walked ...

    ...Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price, or Tippy to his friends. He was a Cleric of the Envoy Domain. The well spoken man, sporting a spectacular Dexterity of 04 was also one of the clumsiest men in the realm. The full-field Plate armour gave him away 2000 yards from the inn.

    Tippy clunked in, tripped and crashed over the threshold, arose, righted himself and addressed the patrons.

    "Good peo...KLAK!" His visor crashed down during his speech. Tippy however did not seem to notice. He carried on into the lounge heading straight for the pothole.....
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  3. #3
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    .....until one of the waitresses, quite used to this sort of thing, caught the suit of armour and gently steered it to a table.

    "Glar ferl berlie val" said the helmet. The waitress - Ronni by name - then carefully took the liberty of lifting the visor...in no small part because she wanted to make sure that the occupant was in fact alive, and human-ish, and all those other things that when not true can ruin a fine day.

    "Thank you very much", Tippy repeated. "An ale, please; and please tell the owners of this fine establishment I bring word from Duke Cholmondley."

    The ale arrived. Tippy, true to his name, tipped it over in his attempt to pick it up.

    "Sir", said Ronni deferentially, "perhaps...perhaps if you removed your gauntlet first...?"

    "Ah, yes, of course. How forgetful of me!", and Tippy removed his gauntlet, and while enjoying his replacement ale he relayed the Duke's news......
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  4. #4
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    "Please don't get up," said Sister Jericho as she joined them. But it was to no avail; Tippy, being in the presence of a lady, automatically sprang to his feet as old-fashioned good manners dictated. In doing so, of course, he knocked over the table and spilt his beer again. Why are we not surprised by this?

    Tippy felt it was time to impart his news before anything else went wrong. "His grace is to be married in the spring and he would very much like you all to attend the wedding. He would gladly dispatch a mounted escort to assure your safety on the journey but he doubted you would need one and sent me instead. He seemed to think that I might be the one who needed the escorting."

    "This is wonderful news," cried Sister Jericho, "Who is the lucky lady?"

    "Her name is Terri House-Trainger, a lady of good family but straightened circumstances. It seems they met in unlikely circumstances and fell immediately in love."

    "I do not know her, but the name sounds familiar," remarked Sister Jericho. "My good friend Sister Hermione has mentioned her, on occasion."

    "There is something more ..."

    "Yes?"

    "I am to deliver an invitation to a chintz dragon called Flora. His grace indicated that you might know something of her whereabouts? I understand that she appears sometimes in the guise of a fair damsel riding a white palfry."

    At this, Keyes paused in her attempt to steal Tippy's gauntlets and ran outside to check on something ...
    Last edited by BoldItalic; Friday, 7th July, 2017 at 06:29 AM.
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  5. #5
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    Keyes returned shortly, waving some envelopes. "The mail has arrived," she called. "Looks like we've got some replies to the intern advert."

    "Great," remarked Foghorn, "Let's see what we've got. Here, Tippy, you can help us sort through them. We need dragon-finders, no experience necessary."

    There was a shuffling of pieces of paper, sorting them between "probably impossibles" and "improbably possibles" until just five remained.

    "This one looks resourceful," reported Ronni, "Could be just what we need. It's a first-level wizard called Macfeece. He's even put a SummonMe rubber at the bottom so he must be keen. Now that's what I call really go-ahead," so went ahead and rubbed it.

    Macfeece timidly entered the tavern and looked around, hoping someone would tell him what to do. You could tell by his robes that he was a wizard, although it would have taken an expert to divine that he was of the School of Apology. "Am I allowed in here?" he asked, "I've come about the advert?"

    Foghorn rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, come on in. You are allowed to buy a beer and sit down at one of the tables while you drink it."

    The relief was palpable on Macfeece's face. "I've read all the books about taverns," he explained, "and they tell you where to find them but they don't actually tell you what to do."

    "I know," sympathised Foghorn, thinking where do they get these idiots? "When I was your age, my old dad had to take me to a tavern and show me how to drink beer. Don't you have an uncle, or an older brother, maybe?"

    "I'm an orphan. I'm supposed to turn out to be the child of royal parentage but I don't see how. I haven't got a birthmark like a pomegranate or anything."

    "The gods work in mysterious ways," observed Foghorn. "Your first quest will be to find a dragon. A particular dragon. Think you can handle it?"

    "I've read all the books, but ..."

    "Great. You're hired."

    "We're not sending him out on his own, are we?" asked Sister Jericho looking worried. "Shouldn't we at least give him some back-up?"

    "The Augury is favourable. I'll go," volunteered Tippy, putting away some ivory sticks that he had been dropping haphazardly.1

    And so the two of them set off, seeking a chintz dragon called Flora. A few yards down the road, ...


    1 He was very good at that. So good that he could cast Augury as a cantrip. He can tell you the winners of the 4:30 at Cheltenham for the next five years ahead, if you are interested.
    Last edited by BoldItalic; Friday, 7th July, 2017 at 11:07 AM.
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  6. #6
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    .....a quietly muttered "Drat!" came from behind Tippy. Turning, he and Macfeece saw a small wiry lad looking just a bit sheepish; said lad shrugged, held out his hands and said "Oh well. Guess they were right - field plate armour has no pockets. I didn't believe them."

    Keyes, who had been watching Tippy depart and having seen what just happened, stepped out the door. "Boy, have you a name?"

    "Albert, 's'wot I'm called"

    "Are you here responding to the call for dragon-finders?"

    "Could be."

    "And are you trying to learn how to be a Thief?"

    "Could be."

    "Well then. That's Tippy, there in the armour. Go with him, find the dragon, then come back here and I'll teach you everything you'll need to know." Keyes then turned and looked into the tavern, where Ronni had just muttered something about "Have fun with that", or maybe she said "Here comes the cat". Whatever. Meanwhile Albert's eyes went as wide as saucers, as he had just recognized the (in)famous Keyes for who she was; and that she had just offered to train him made this the best day of his life.

    "Albert, this is Macfeece", Tippy saw to the introductions, interrupting Albert's brief daydream. "He's a wizard in the rough...or maybe out of bounds, can't tell. Definitely not on the fairway, that's for sure. Macfeece, this is Albert." Neither Albert nor Macfeece looked overly impressed with their two companions, but both quickly concluded this was what they'd signed up for so they shook hands, exchanged pleasantries, fell in and allowed Tippy to lead them off into the evening......


    The lineup so far:
    Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-?)
    Macfeece (Wizard-1)
    Albert (Thief-1)
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  7. #7
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    Through the pleasant evening walk, Tippy regaled his new party with tales of chromatic Dragons. Albert and Macfeece were not impressed with his stories but were impressed with his vocabulary. It was indubitably exquisite.

    Tippy heard a whoosh and stated. "Dragon. Over there!" He pointed excitedly, and his gauntlet (recently loosened by undesirables) clumsily flew off and made a ranged melee attack on the chintz dragon Flora. She took it on the snout and dive-bombed into the dirt road with a boom. Her body not moving.

    "A Multi Colored dragon." Mused Macfeece. After exploring all the lore and logic, he came to the only reasonable conclusion he could. "It must be Tiamat."

    "What's a Tear-Mat?"

    "No Tiamat. The most fearsome dragon in D&D's history

    "We're not in Deeundees. She must be far away from home. What should we do with her?"

    "Splash some water on her. That should wake her up."

    So Albert ran to get some water and they did exactly that. Unfortunately, the water started to wash out some of the chintz. This chintz was not real. They washed some more and some more until Flora was nowt but a simple green dragon.

    She started to stir..........





    The lineup so far:
    Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric of the Envoy domain-2)
    Macfeece (School of apology Wizard-1)
    Albert (Thief-1)
    Flora (False chintz green dragon)
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  8. #8
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    She started to stir..........

    Flora groggily opened one eye and saw nothing special. She was aware of being wet and ... oops, how embarrassing, her chintz dress seemed to have disappeared. The blushed green and hoped there was nobody about. Then she groggily opened the eye on the other side of her head and realised that there were people about after all. There were men staring at her. "Do you mind?" she hissed, "Look the other way, at least!"

    The three men politely turned their backs and Flora changed into an old crone in a black dress and a pointy hat like witches are supposed to wear. "You can turn round now," she said in an old crone voice. "Now, what do you want?"

    "We seek a chintz dragon called Flora," explained Tippy, "She is invited to the wedding of Duke Cholmondeley."

    "Duke Cholmondeley? Not that silly chap on a horse called ... let me think ... Herrington? Heatherington? Something like that. You don't mean him, surely? He wasn't very dukely when I last saw him."

    "Harrington," confirmed Tippy. "The very same. Then you are the Flora we seek. His grace mentioned another dragon called Archie? Is he ... with you?"

    "Archie? That good-for-nothing lizard? No he is most certainly not with me as you put it. He's awa' in Glasgie muklin' the wannoks and deserves every minute of it. So when is this wedding?"

    "In the spring, at his grace's seat, Southborough Castle. There is plenty of time to get there."

    "Nonsense, that's no time at all. I shall need a complete new outfit and do you know how long it takes the lacemakers to make a thousand widths? Ages! You men have no idea."

    "We would be willing to escort you to a nearby city of it helps?"

    Flora peered quizzically at Macfeece and Albert. "Oh yes, a poor old granny will be quite safe with such strapping lads to look after her," she quavered in Old Crone. She was being ironic, of course, but they didn't realise that and thought she was paying them a compliment.

    "Come on, then," she commanded, "We haven't got all day. And if you," and she glared at Albert as she said this, "so much as touch a whisker of my pockets, your feet won't touch the ground. Understood?"

    "Yes, yes," nodded Albert furiously, "I promise, I promise."

    "Hmmph."

    They set off together towards the city of Polearms Lacey but as they rounded a pile of rocks by a bend in the road, they were greeted with hoots of rather uncouth laughter. Looking up, they saw a half-orc standing sentry on the rocks, clearly armed with a wicked-looking halberd and, less clearly, a sling with 20 bullets.

    What immediately struck Tippy was that one half-orc standing sentry on a rock was quite likely to be standing sentry for some more half-orcs and this could be problematic. He himself, being a Cleric of The Returning Thread, was armed with the regulation hammer and boomerang.1 He obviously couldn't reach with the hammer, so it might have to be ranged attacks and he really hoped it wouldn't come to that.2 He cast Protection From Self, just in case.

    What immediately struck Albert was that the half-orc was jumping down athletically from the rock and holding out a hand in greeting. "I'm Tasha," she said, "on account of my burly moustache." She guffawed again and added "I'm coming with you."


    Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer & Boomerang)
    Macfeece (Wizard-1)
    Albert (Thief-1)
    Flora (Green Dragon in the guise of an Old Crone)
    Tasha (Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd & Sling)


    1 It's okay, the ancient Egyptians had boomerangs too.
    2 Because they couldn't face having him retake the boomerang-throwing course, his instructors had marked his performance as 'stunning' and passed him. The problem being, that it was Tippy himself who was the stunnee nine times out of ten. The tenth time was when he killed the roof of the refectory, but anyone can make a mistake.
    Last edited by BoldItalic; Friday, 7th July, 2017 at 06:17 PM.
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  9. #9
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    "I'm coming with you."

    "Sorry. What wondrous race are you?" Asked the Wizard from School of Apology.

    "I'm a Half-Orc"

    "Oh. um sorry but what is your other half"

    "Orc."

    "Yes I get that half of you is Orc but what is the other half? Sorry."

    "Orc."

    "OooooooooKaaaaaay. So forgive me but if you are Half-Orc and your other half is Orc, doesn't that make you Orc? Sorry."

    "Yes"

    "Ah. good."

    "........Half the time."

    "Oh.............And......Um.......Sorry but what about the other half?"

    "Orc." Replied Tasha proudly.

    "Pfffffffffffffffffffff."





    Tippy (Theodore Ignatius Phillpot Price; Cleric-1; Hammer & Boomerang)
    Macfeece (Wizard-1)
    Albert (Thief-1)
    Flora (Green Dragon in the guise of an Old Crone)
    Tasha (Half-Orc/Half-Orc Fighter-1; Halberd & Sling)
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  10. #10
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    "You're overthinking this," Albert explained a the perplexed Macfeece. "Tasha, here, is a Half/Orc. She is half Half and half Orc. One half is a Half but her Orc half is a half too, so that makes two halves, both of them Half-Orcs. I don't understand the problem?"

    "It's not in the books ..."

    "Neither are we."

    "True."
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