Gradine
The Elephant in the Room (she/her)
Are there meant to be only five ingredients?
2018 IRON DM Tournament
Are there meant to be only five ingredients?
Rune
Once A Fool
I’m not sure Deuce is going to see this for a while. Therefore, erring on the side of fairness to the contestants, I’m going to repost his list with an added sixth ingredient. Also, the 24 hour time limit will have to be reset to the forthcoming post.
[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6855204]tglassy[/MENTION], be on the lookout; that post should be up momentarily.
[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6855204]tglassy[/MENTION], be on the lookout; that post should be up momentarily.
Rune
Once A Fool
Round 1, Match 2: Gradine vs. tglassy
[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6855204]tglassy[/MENTION], you have 24 hours to post your entries to this thread. Please limit your entry to a title, a list of the ingredients used and 750 additional words. Please include your list of ingredients at the beginning of the entry and please do not edit your post once it is submitted. Please refrain from reading your opponent's entry until after you have posted your own. You are on your honor to do so.
Entries that are between 1 and 59 minutes late will have their word-limits reduced to 675. Later entries that are at less than 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 525. Entries that are at least 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 375. In addition, entries that are at least 2 days late may be disqualified at the discretion of the judge with consent from the match's opposing competitor. Entries that exceed their word-limits will be considered to end once they reach that limit; I will ignore everything after.
Your ingredients are:
Lost Minotaur
Disguised Warehouse
Idiomatic Confusion
Affably Evil
Perfect Game
Found Wanting
[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION] and [MENTION=6855204]tglassy[/MENTION], you have 24 hours to post your entries to this thread. Please limit your entry to a title, a list of the ingredients used and 750 additional words. Please include your list of ingredients at the beginning of the entry and please do not edit your post once it is submitted. Please refrain from reading your opponent's entry until after you have posted your own. You are on your honor to do so.
Entries that are between 1 and 59 minutes late will have their word-limits reduced to 675. Later entries that are at less than 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 525. Entries that are at least 1 day late will have their word-limits reduced to 375. In addition, entries that are at least 2 days late may be disqualified at the discretion of the judge with consent from the match's opposing competitor. Entries that exceed their word-limits will be considered to end once they reach that limit; I will ignore everything after.
Your ingredients are:
Lost Minotaur
Disguised Warehouse
Idiomatic Confusion
Affably Evil
Perfect Game
Found Wanting
Iron Sky
Procedurally Generated
Before I begin, let me say that I probably how you are feeling right now. The flash of excitement and nervousness that the judgment is up after checking it constantly since the second entry went up, the conviction that your just wrote something amazingly creative under intense time pressure and word count limits. All of that is true and valid and I applaud both of you for having the guts to lay your creative babies on the altar of Iron DM.
That said, here's an overview of my judging process. I've found it works best to go over each entry in several passes, each time reading for different things. Also, this will be probably absurdly comprehensive, nitpicky, and analytical since I'm not good at doing things half-way; fortunately I don't have a word count limit or I'd lose at judging the first round.
My first pass will be literary: how well does it read? Are there typos? Is it coherent? Is the phrasing awkward, awesome, or ambivalent? Did the writing help or hurt the entry? Does the adventure tell a good story?
Second pass will be as a GM: would I want to run it? Is there a good hook? Does it flow? Do I have all the information I need? Is it mostly backstory or mostly adventure? If I bought this adventure to save prep, how much prep does it require? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Third pass will be as a player: would I want to play it? Are there any interesting choices? Do my actions matter? Does it have interesting things to do for different types of players? How about characters? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Fourth pass will be ingredients: how well were they used? Could any be removed or altered without changing the adventure in major way? Are they tied together tightly? Any particularly clever uses?
I'll finish with a conclusion that sums it all up and throws in anything else that doesn't fit into one of these categories such as logical breaks, major inconsistencies, or other elements that "break" the adventure as posted.
A final note before jumping in: I try to be entirely constructive and honest with my feedback since that's been the main benefit for me doing the half-dozen Iron DMs I've competed in and my ability to write has been drastically honed by them for all types of writing, not just adventures. Empty praise or skirting problems to be "nice" is pleasant and useless. If I like it, you'll know and if I think it could use work... you'll know. Feel free to discard it if you don't agree, my main goals are to be fair, honest, and critical.
Literary Pass, Auspicious: A smooth read until "Their bravery must be celebrated." This seems to be a strange opinion from the narrator that also doesn't really help the story at all and could easily be omitted.
There was also some confusion near the end with there being two rituals, the Auspicate and the counter-ritual that made me read it again for clarity. "With the counter-ritual is complete, when the Auspicate is cast..." would have clarified things.
Aside from that, an entirely functional read which is no small accomplishment with such a tight word count and time limit. There were a few extra commas here and there, but otherwise a nice mix of short and long sentences(after the first paragraph at least), clear formatting, and nothing impedes understanding of the adventure.
The biggest gap in the narrative for me is: protected from what? If there's such a great threat that having a 1-in, say, -thousand chance of being killed every year is worth it to keep it at bay, why don't they just leave? I mean, there's at least enough freedom of movement for a random band of ̶c̶u̶t̶t̶h̶r̶o̶a̶t̶s̶ ̶ adventurers to wander in. From the very first paragraph I was wondering and the question was never answered. I would think the murmur would grow into a migration.
Literary Pass, Blood Tithe:Right off the bat, the lack of headings hurtled a "wall of text" in my face. Even for so short a post, I was spoiled by MortalPlague breaking it into segments which is especially helpful for adventures (and judgments of them) as you'll often jump around looking for specific bits of information. Headings give a map to speed the lookup.
Using capital letters for character names the first times they were used seems like it would be helpful, but it mostly threw off my reading as they distractingly drew the eye backwards or forwards while I was trying to read since CAPS ARE URGENT READ THIS FIRST. I'LL BET SOME OF YOU READING THIS JUMPED TO THIS SENTENCE TO SEE WHY IT WAS SO IMPORTANT. While this may have been helpful for reference, it was distracting the first read through. Headings cost a few words, but my word counter said you had a dozenish to spare.
The "always" in the second paragraph threw me off a bit since it implies they still do so I would remove it: "The citizens dutifully offered up, but..." then would also add "The Marrowvanians now send scouts..." for further clarity.
The hook paragraph is a bit deep. Keeping track of Faith was part of a caravan that was attacked by Marrowvanian cultists but are actually brigands that won't betray the party if they try to help... that took some unraveling. I know, "f@^&ing word limit", but just splitting those data points into different sentences would have helped.
In the following paragraph the locations again became confusing – secluded city, hillside hovel above the massacre site, the hermit within knows where Marrowvane is but was raised here having fled Marrowvane. I think the first sentence is what sparked it and if it was moved it would have been less confusing. Also, his "ancestor discovered that Sandrugo was behind Redivan's death." "The old servant" then becomes confusing again since we didn't know beforehand how this ancestor served (knights serve too for example) or that he was old. By old do you mean the "ancestor" or are we talking about the old hermit here?
That there is no magic to detect seems like an odd sentence to include. You could have said "there are no apples here if they are searched for" or "if the characters look for ponies, they find none." Unless there's some indication of magic, why would we assume there was some?
When Marrowvanian's possessive should maybe be Marrowvanians plural? In which case, their oaths revive them?
Unfortunately, more questions and typos as we continue and reading through again to see if I missed something brings up more. Why did thousands of people allow themselves to be sacrificed to protect them? Attacks from who or what? Paranoid about what? When most of your people are being killed to keep your people safe from... something, their demand that they MUST LIVE no matter what broke my suspension of disbelief. "That I live is so important that I'll die for it and fight to the last man to ensure it!" Also, what bandit stolen loot? Weren't they interrupted while raiding? What happened to the caravan? Why is a whole sentence in parenthesis near the end? Why do his raiders risk attacking armed bandits to get sacrifices but will let a handful of wanderers go if they just swear an oath? How did Sandrugo use up so many hearts so fast? Does he need one a day or something? Why don't they send Bloodless out on raids rather than the few dozen survivors? What does less-immediately hostile mean? Do they wait a round before attacking instead of trying to kill the PCs instantly?
Literary Pass, Comparison
In spite of my criticisms, I actually found Mister-Kent's city much more interesting: an empty town creepily littered with conoptic jars, scrawled with messages of doom, littered with wealth and the odd pristine statue of a long-dead King. It's like something Robert E. Howard would have Conan be hunted by ape men through.
MortalPlague's city wasn't terrible – a Hunger Games-esque sacrifice based on rolling a big death dice is cool, but not quite as evocative.
Likewise hooks. MortalPlague has a ghost show up and beg the PCs to help, though witnessing the Auspicate first is a nice touch. Mister-Kent has them stumble upon a bunch of bodies with organs removed leading to a one-eyed maiden holding her mother's heart in a box. Second one is much more compelling.
Not relevant to the judgment, but why did those ingredients both lead to entries involving wizards sacrificing people? I mused through what I might write with those ingredients and that wasn't on the list. Also both involve rituals that keep the people safe from... BOTH FAIL TO NAME WHAT THEY ARE BEING SAVED FROM! The strangest coincidence ever.
Anyway, MortalPlague's writing is far more clear and concise so he comes out ahead on the Literary Pass.
GM Pass, Auspicious
Lets start by breaking the game down into scenes that will actually be played out.
(Hook) A ghost asks for help → get King's blood → do King's blood ritual at the right time and place → unjust King is executed by his own people
The whole thing is absolutely simple and linear with the giant caveat that step 2 is an absolutely perplexing challenge that I could see taking all six days to figure out. MortalPlague gives us a rough sketch of the king's routine then leaves it open to the players to come up with their own solution. It's a perfect puzzle: clear, deceptively simple, and horribly daunting. The more I think about it, the more awesome it is and I absolutely want to watch, run, or hear about how a party handles it. An especially delicious failure scenario that isn't listed is the PCs piss the King off and he makes one of their names show up on the cube.
There's plenty of fun GM shenanigans to throw in to complicate their plans and seems like it would be a blast to run.
GM Pass, Blood Tithe
Let's do the same for Blood Tithe.
(Hook) find organless bodies, Faith begs help → Branch A or B
A(skilled party) → skilled party finds City → get into hamlet free family → enter palace → Conclusion
B(unskilled party) → meets hermit and gets backstory and secret entrance → use secret entrance to palace, learn father is dead → Conclusion
Conclusion: swear oath to keep city secret or fight army of ghosts.
There are more scenes as written, but the immediate problem I have is the more skilled/successful party misses out on most of the backstory, one of the few NPCs, and a secret entrance. That's their reward for being good? As written it seems to be a backup in case of failure to find it, but I'm not a huge fan of the cooler outcome being gated behind failure.
Theoretically there are a few different ways of handling all of it: fighting in, sneaking, or knowing the secret entrance, but the first two are defaults and the PCs won't find the last if they succeed. I could see some neat battles with ghosts in a creepy empty city and fighting a necromancer on a throne of conoptic jars, but no individual scene beyond the hook strikes me as extremely challenging or compelling.
GM Pass, Comparison
The fact that Mister-Kent's adventure is actually playable to a satisfying conclusion in 750 words with a few neat visuals is no mean feat. Read back to a few previous Iron GMs since the word limits were established and you'll find several that flat-out fail.
That said, a group of PCs sneaking or fighting into a city then fighting a necromancer (I can't think of a group would go with the oath option unless it was clear there was no other choice) is pretty standard RPG fare. Trying to steal a drop of blood from a king in public during a week-long festival so he'll be killed by his own corrupt means is amazing.
Auspicious has this pass too.
Player Pass, Auspicious
Let's start with what happens if the PCs don't show up or fail: the King continues to get away with murder. Doesn't directly impact the PCs so not overwhelmingly crucial to them.
However, if they bite into the hook, the deliciously agonizing plotting alone would be a blast, much less the actual attempts. Getting to see the King undone with no one aside from Methael even knowing they had anything to do with it is absolutely satisfying.
Player Pass, Blood Tithe
After the great hook, PCs either find a city, fight or sneak past a bunch of ghosts and suicidal paranoid preservationists, then fight or bow to a necromancer OR they find a hermit, hear a tale of cursed immortality, sneak into a palace to find a dead dad, then fight or bow to a necromancer.
The first one is essentially just a Diablo-esque dungeon crawl. The second is much more interesting but requires them to fail to find. The final confrontation with the necromancer might have been more interesting (he could offer them immortality too, just sacrifice someone and...) but will almost assuredly be a boss fight.
Player Pass, Comparison
It's probably pretty clear by now which way this one goes.
Ingredient Pass, Auspicious
Due to the format of Iron DM, this pass is probably as important as the other three combined as the goal of Iron DM is twofold: 1) write an interesting adventure, 2) make all these ingredients integral to it. As such, I'll go through each ingredient individually for each to see how it was used, how replaceable it was, and how well they all tie together.
• Blind Faith: The people's faith in the ritual to keep them safe from X. This would be stronger if we knew what it was protecting them from that leads them to so blindly have faith in it.
• Blood Debt: The King postponing his death. Also Methael's need to avenge his own death. Also the sacrifice needed to perform the ritual. Some judges believe multiple uses weaken ingredients, I think they just show the contestant's creativity – assuming they are well used anyway, which these are.
• Body Count: The eleven people who died in place of the king. Strong. Also the six potentials that may die.
• Ethereal Courtier: Methael, servant to the king. His most important trait seems to be that he is a wizard, however. His etherealness does at least come from being a ghost rather than fiat, however.
• Odd Cube: I knew this would be a tough one and this one is very creatively odd. Odd as in unusual, its infrequent and also in that it is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. Stronger than I thought it would be.
• Regicide: Undoing the King's ritual so that he dies as he should. That the PCs do it indirectly is awesome.
A sentence: An Ethereal Wizard's Blood Debt due to the king's Body Count causes him to recruit the PCs to use the people's Unwavering Confidence in the Odd Cube to commit Regicide.
On the whole, pretty strong.
Ingredient Pass, Blood Tithe
• Blind Faith: The Marrowvanian's blind commitment to living even if it kills them which I have a hard time grokking. Also half-blind Faith NPC which is only half-blind.
• Blood Debt: The people's oath to the king to keep them safe, fueled by blood, which in reality is more of a immortality ritual. Also the Bloodless who lose their bodies except when hunting blood because... um, just because. Why blood?
• Body Count: An entire city wiped out to keep them safe. It is a high count, though they are never actually counted.
• Ethereal Courtier: The Bloodless serving the Sanguinarian. They are ethereal because... um, so they would work for this ingredient. They don't even serve the king, they are specters in service to a necromancer.
• Odd Cube: The square conoptic jars. They could have been any shape.
• Regicide: Sandrugo's murder of some king way in the backstory. The PCs never even learn of it if they are successful.
A sentence: (Half-)Blind Faith shows the PCs an Odd Cube to entice them to help her free her family from a city where the people's Blood Debt has resulted in a massive Body Count that has resulted in some of them kind of becoming Ethereal Courtiers decades after a tenuously-relevent Regicide.
Hm. Let's replace the non-essentials: A False Bandit shows the PCs an Grisly Jar to entice them to help her free her family from a city where the people's Cursed Oaths have resulted in an Body Count that has resulted in some of them kind of becoming Hunting Specters decades after an Irrelevant King.
Ingredient Pass, Comparison
With most of them strong, one especially great, and only a few weak ones, Auspicious has it.
Most of Blood Tithe's ingredients seem to be squeezed into the story rather than the key pieces of it. The goal of the adventure is to rescue a bandit family with the rest being backstory for the (admittedly cool) setting and strange monsters in their way. If the PCs knew none of the backstory nothing really changes.
In Auspicious, by contrast, the PCs are resolving the Ethereal Courtier's Blood Debt created by the King's Body Count, altering the Odd Cube to ensure that the people's Blind Faith causes them to commit Regicide. All of them are directly involved in, interacted with, and key to the functioning of the adventure.
Final Conclusion
Considering this is your first entry, @Mister-Kent, I'm pretty impressed. As harsh as I may have seemed on your entry, this first round is brutal and MortalPlague is a long time veteran. Against most first-timers you probably would have done quite well, but Auspicious may be the best first round adventure I've seen since the word count was reduced. The organ-transplant immortality hinted by the first hook, the feel of the city, all is excellent and stealable.
My first few rounds I lost, I railed against the judges that they didn't see how brilliant my entries were, but looking back at them later when the passion had faded I agreed with most of their criticisms and my Iron DM and writing games have both benefited greatly thereby. I hope that this all comes across constructively as hard as it is to hear when you've worked so hard and done so well. Hopefully we'll see you back next year and also I hope you don't mind me stealing the "find bodies missing organs" hook to set up some creepy shenanigans when I run games.
@MortalPlague, bravo. I don't think there's a first round entry from the last several tournaments that could have beaten this adventure. The funny part is I wasn't super impressed on first reading, just seemed like a too-simple, run-of-the mill adventure. Each pass just reinforced my respect for it and the skill with which you wove it.
MortalPlague advances to round 2.
That said, here's an overview of my judging process. I've found it works best to go over each entry in several passes, each time reading for different things. Also, this will be probably absurdly comprehensive, nitpicky, and analytical since I'm not good at doing things half-way; fortunately I don't have a word count limit or I'd lose at judging the first round.
My first pass will be literary: how well does it read? Are there typos? Is it coherent? Is the phrasing awkward, awesome, or ambivalent? Did the writing help or hurt the entry? Does the adventure tell a good story?
Second pass will be as a GM: would I want to run it? Is there a good hook? Does it flow? Do I have all the information I need? Is it mostly backstory or mostly adventure? If I bought this adventure to save prep, how much prep does it require? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Third pass will be as a player: would I want to play it? Are there any interesting choices? Do my actions matter? Does it have interesting things to do for different types of players? How about characters? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Fourth pass will be ingredients: how well were they used? Could any be removed or altered without changing the adventure in major way? Are they tied together tightly? Any particularly clever uses?
I'll finish with a conclusion that sums it all up and throws in anything else that doesn't fit into one of these categories such as logical breaks, major inconsistencies, or other elements that "break" the adventure as posted.
A final note before jumping in: I try to be entirely constructive and honest with my feedback since that's been the main benefit for me doing the half-dozen Iron DMs I've competed in and my ability to write has been drastically honed by them for all types of writing, not just adventures. Empty praise or skirting problems to be "nice" is pleasant and useless. If I like it, you'll know and if I think it could use work... you'll know. Feel free to discard it if you don't agree, my main goals are to be fair, honest, and critical.
Literary Pass, Auspicious: A smooth read until "Their bravery must be celebrated." This seems to be a strange opinion from the narrator that also doesn't really help the story at all and could easily be omitted.
There was also some confusion near the end with there being two rituals, the Auspicate and the counter-ritual that made me read it again for clarity. "With the counter-ritual is complete, when the Auspicate is cast..." would have clarified things.
Aside from that, an entirely functional read which is no small accomplishment with such a tight word count and time limit. There were a few extra commas here and there, but otherwise a nice mix of short and long sentences(after the first paragraph at least), clear formatting, and nothing impedes understanding of the adventure.
The biggest gap in the narrative for me is: protected from what? If there's such a great threat that having a 1-in, say, -thousand chance of being killed every year is worth it to keep it at bay, why don't they just leave? I mean, there's at least enough freedom of movement for a random band of ̶c̶u̶t̶t̶h̶r̶o̶a̶t̶s̶ ̶ adventurers to wander in. From the very first paragraph I was wondering and the question was never answered. I would think the murmur would grow into a migration.
Literary Pass, Blood Tithe:Right off the bat, the lack of headings hurtled a "wall of text" in my face. Even for so short a post, I was spoiled by MortalPlague breaking it into segments which is especially helpful for adventures (and judgments of them) as you'll often jump around looking for specific bits of information. Headings give a map to speed the lookup.
Using capital letters for character names the first times they were used seems like it would be helpful, but it mostly threw off my reading as they distractingly drew the eye backwards or forwards while I was trying to read since CAPS ARE URGENT READ THIS FIRST. I'LL BET SOME OF YOU READING THIS JUMPED TO THIS SENTENCE TO SEE WHY IT WAS SO IMPORTANT. While this may have been helpful for reference, it was distracting the first read through. Headings cost a few words, but my word counter said you had a dozenish to spare.
The "always" in the second paragraph threw me off a bit since it implies they still do so I would remove it: "The citizens dutifully offered up, but..." then would also add "The Marrowvanians now send scouts..." for further clarity.
The hook paragraph is a bit deep. Keeping track of Faith was part of a caravan that was attacked by Marrowvanian cultists but are actually brigands that won't betray the party if they try to help... that took some unraveling. I know, "f@^&ing word limit", but just splitting those data points into different sentences would have helped.
In the following paragraph the locations again became confusing – secluded city, hillside hovel above the massacre site, the hermit within knows where Marrowvane is but was raised here having fled Marrowvane. I think the first sentence is what sparked it and if it was moved it would have been less confusing. Also, his "ancestor discovered that Sandrugo was behind Redivan's death." "The old servant" then becomes confusing again since we didn't know beforehand how this ancestor served (knights serve too for example) or that he was old. By old do you mean the "ancestor" or are we talking about the old hermit here?
That there is no magic to detect seems like an odd sentence to include. You could have said "there are no apples here if they are searched for" or "if the characters look for ponies, they find none." Unless there's some indication of magic, why would we assume there was some?
When Marrowvanian's possessive should maybe be Marrowvanians plural? In which case, their oaths revive them?
Unfortunately, more questions and typos as we continue and reading through again to see if I missed something brings up more. Why did thousands of people allow themselves to be sacrificed to protect them? Attacks from who or what? Paranoid about what? When most of your people are being killed to keep your people safe from... something, their demand that they MUST LIVE no matter what broke my suspension of disbelief. "That I live is so important that I'll die for it and fight to the last man to ensure it!" Also, what bandit stolen loot? Weren't they interrupted while raiding? What happened to the caravan? Why is a whole sentence in parenthesis near the end? Why do his raiders risk attacking armed bandits to get sacrifices but will let a handful of wanderers go if they just swear an oath? How did Sandrugo use up so many hearts so fast? Does he need one a day or something? Why don't they send Bloodless out on raids rather than the few dozen survivors? What does less-immediately hostile mean? Do they wait a round before attacking instead of trying to kill the PCs instantly?
Literary Pass, Comparison
In spite of my criticisms, I actually found Mister-Kent's city much more interesting: an empty town creepily littered with conoptic jars, scrawled with messages of doom, littered with wealth and the odd pristine statue of a long-dead King. It's like something Robert E. Howard would have Conan be hunted by ape men through.
MortalPlague's city wasn't terrible – a Hunger Games-esque sacrifice based on rolling a big death dice is cool, but not quite as evocative.
Likewise hooks. MortalPlague has a ghost show up and beg the PCs to help, though witnessing the Auspicate first is a nice touch. Mister-Kent has them stumble upon a bunch of bodies with organs removed leading to a one-eyed maiden holding her mother's heart in a box. Second one is much more compelling.
Not relevant to the judgment, but why did those ingredients both lead to entries involving wizards sacrificing people? I mused through what I might write with those ingredients and that wasn't on the list. Also both involve rituals that keep the people safe from... BOTH FAIL TO NAME WHAT THEY ARE BEING SAVED FROM! The strangest coincidence ever.
Anyway, MortalPlague's writing is far more clear and concise so he comes out ahead on the Literary Pass.
GM Pass, Auspicious
Lets start by breaking the game down into scenes that will actually be played out.
(Hook) A ghost asks for help → get King's blood → do King's blood ritual at the right time and place → unjust King is executed by his own people
The whole thing is absolutely simple and linear with the giant caveat that step 2 is an absolutely perplexing challenge that I could see taking all six days to figure out. MortalPlague gives us a rough sketch of the king's routine then leaves it open to the players to come up with their own solution. It's a perfect puzzle: clear, deceptively simple, and horribly daunting. The more I think about it, the more awesome it is and I absolutely want to watch, run, or hear about how a party handles it. An especially delicious failure scenario that isn't listed is the PCs piss the King off and he makes one of their names show up on the cube.
There's plenty of fun GM shenanigans to throw in to complicate their plans and seems like it would be a blast to run.
GM Pass, Blood Tithe
Let's do the same for Blood Tithe.
(Hook) find organless bodies, Faith begs help → Branch A or B
A(skilled party) → skilled party finds City → get into hamlet free family → enter palace → Conclusion
B(unskilled party) → meets hermit and gets backstory and secret entrance → use secret entrance to palace, learn father is dead → Conclusion
Conclusion: swear oath to keep city secret or fight army of ghosts.
There are more scenes as written, but the immediate problem I have is the more skilled/successful party misses out on most of the backstory, one of the few NPCs, and a secret entrance. That's their reward for being good? As written it seems to be a backup in case of failure to find it, but I'm not a huge fan of the cooler outcome being gated behind failure.
Theoretically there are a few different ways of handling all of it: fighting in, sneaking, or knowing the secret entrance, but the first two are defaults and the PCs won't find the last if they succeed. I could see some neat battles with ghosts in a creepy empty city and fighting a necromancer on a throne of conoptic jars, but no individual scene beyond the hook strikes me as extremely challenging or compelling.
GM Pass, Comparison
The fact that Mister-Kent's adventure is actually playable to a satisfying conclusion in 750 words with a few neat visuals is no mean feat. Read back to a few previous Iron GMs since the word limits were established and you'll find several that flat-out fail.
That said, a group of PCs sneaking or fighting into a city then fighting a necromancer (I can't think of a group would go with the oath option unless it was clear there was no other choice) is pretty standard RPG fare. Trying to steal a drop of blood from a king in public during a week-long festival so he'll be killed by his own corrupt means is amazing.
Auspicious has this pass too.
Player Pass, Auspicious
Let's start with what happens if the PCs don't show up or fail: the King continues to get away with murder. Doesn't directly impact the PCs so not overwhelmingly crucial to them.
However, if they bite into the hook, the deliciously agonizing plotting alone would be a blast, much less the actual attempts. Getting to see the King undone with no one aside from Methael even knowing they had anything to do with it is absolutely satisfying.
Player Pass, Blood Tithe
After the great hook, PCs either find a city, fight or sneak past a bunch of ghosts and suicidal paranoid preservationists, then fight or bow to a necromancer OR they find a hermit, hear a tale of cursed immortality, sneak into a palace to find a dead dad, then fight or bow to a necromancer.
The first one is essentially just a Diablo-esque dungeon crawl. The second is much more interesting but requires them to fail to find. The final confrontation with the necromancer might have been more interesting (he could offer them immortality too, just sacrifice someone and...) but will almost assuredly be a boss fight.
Player Pass, Comparison
It's probably pretty clear by now which way this one goes.
Ingredient Pass, Auspicious
Due to the format of Iron DM, this pass is probably as important as the other three combined as the goal of Iron DM is twofold: 1) write an interesting adventure, 2) make all these ingredients integral to it. As such, I'll go through each ingredient individually for each to see how it was used, how replaceable it was, and how well they all tie together.
• Blind Faith: The people's faith in the ritual to keep them safe from X. This would be stronger if we knew what it was protecting them from that leads them to so blindly have faith in it.
• Blood Debt: The King postponing his death. Also Methael's need to avenge his own death. Also the sacrifice needed to perform the ritual. Some judges believe multiple uses weaken ingredients, I think they just show the contestant's creativity – assuming they are well used anyway, which these are.
• Body Count: The eleven people who died in place of the king. Strong. Also the six potentials that may die.
• Ethereal Courtier: Methael, servant to the king. His most important trait seems to be that he is a wizard, however. His etherealness does at least come from being a ghost rather than fiat, however.
• Odd Cube: I knew this would be a tough one and this one is very creatively odd. Odd as in unusual, its infrequent and also in that it is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. Stronger than I thought it would be.
• Regicide: Undoing the King's ritual so that he dies as he should. That the PCs do it indirectly is awesome.
A sentence: An Ethereal Wizard's Blood Debt due to the king's Body Count causes him to recruit the PCs to use the people's Unwavering Confidence in the Odd Cube to commit Regicide.
On the whole, pretty strong.
Ingredient Pass, Blood Tithe
• Blind Faith: The Marrowvanian's blind commitment to living even if it kills them which I have a hard time grokking. Also half-blind Faith NPC which is only half-blind.
• Blood Debt: The people's oath to the king to keep them safe, fueled by blood, which in reality is more of a immortality ritual. Also the Bloodless who lose their bodies except when hunting blood because... um, just because. Why blood?
• Body Count: An entire city wiped out to keep them safe. It is a high count, though they are never actually counted.
• Ethereal Courtier: The Bloodless serving the Sanguinarian. They are ethereal because... um, so they would work for this ingredient. They don't even serve the king, they are specters in service to a necromancer.
• Odd Cube: The square conoptic jars. They could have been any shape.
• Regicide: Sandrugo's murder of some king way in the backstory. The PCs never even learn of it if they are successful.
A sentence: (Half-)Blind Faith shows the PCs an Odd Cube to entice them to help her free her family from a city where the people's Blood Debt has resulted in a massive Body Count that has resulted in some of them kind of becoming Ethereal Courtiers decades after a tenuously-relevent Regicide.
Hm. Let's replace the non-essentials: A False Bandit shows the PCs an Grisly Jar to entice them to help her free her family from a city where the people's Cursed Oaths have resulted in an Body Count that has resulted in some of them kind of becoming Hunting Specters decades after an Irrelevant King.
Ingredient Pass, Comparison
With most of them strong, one especially great, and only a few weak ones, Auspicious has it.
Most of Blood Tithe's ingredients seem to be squeezed into the story rather than the key pieces of it. The goal of the adventure is to rescue a bandit family with the rest being backstory for the (admittedly cool) setting and strange monsters in their way. If the PCs knew none of the backstory nothing really changes.
In Auspicious, by contrast, the PCs are resolving the Ethereal Courtier's Blood Debt created by the King's Body Count, altering the Odd Cube to ensure that the people's Blind Faith causes them to commit Regicide. All of them are directly involved in, interacted with, and key to the functioning of the adventure.
Final Conclusion
Considering this is your first entry, @Mister-Kent, I'm pretty impressed. As harsh as I may have seemed on your entry, this first round is brutal and MortalPlague is a long time veteran. Against most first-timers you probably would have done quite well, but Auspicious may be the best first round adventure I've seen since the word count was reduced. The organ-transplant immortality hinted by the first hook, the feel of the city, all is excellent and stealable.
My first few rounds I lost, I railed against the judges that they didn't see how brilliant my entries were, but looking back at them later when the passion had faded I agreed with most of their criticisms and my Iron DM and writing games have both benefited greatly thereby. I hope that this all comes across constructively as hard as it is to hear when you've worked so hard and done so well. Hopefully we'll see you back next year and also I hope you don't mind me stealing the "find bodies missing organs" hook to set up some creepy shenanigans when I run games.
@MortalPlague, bravo. I don't think there's a first round entry from the last several tournaments that could have beaten this adventure. The funny part is I wasn't super impressed on first reading, just seemed like a too-simple, run-of-the mill adventure. Each pass just reinforced my respect for it and the skill with which you wove it.
MortalPlague advances to round 2.
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Mister-Kent
Explorer
Thanks [MENTION=60965]Iron Sky[/MENTION] for the great critique! Absolutely useful going forward. 
I'm stoked that there were some parts that came of really well, and if I was able to leave at least some stealable images or elements then I'm proud of it for a first go. You definitely pointed out lots of things that can be reworked.
Congrats [MENTION=62721]MortalPlague[/MENTION]! I read your entry but didn't get to put my comments up yet. It's so funny how we both arrived at some similar concepts like the sacrificing wizards -- at one time I considered having my Odd Cube be a dice thing, so that would've been waaay too freaky.
I'm stoked that there were some parts that came of really well, and if I was able to leave at least some stealable images or elements then I'm proud of it for a first go. You definitely pointed out lots of things that can be reworked.Congrats [MENTION=62721]MortalPlague[/MENTION]! I read your entry but didn't get to put my comments up yet. It's so funny how we both arrived at some similar concepts like the sacrificing wizards -- at one time I considered having my Odd Cube be a dice thing, so that would've been waaay too freaky.
MortalPlague
Adventurer
@Iron Sky, thank you for the great write-up. I love the way you summarize the use of elements in a sentence, that's an excellent way to look at their usage. The elements were very interesting to work with, and I must confess, at the close of this competition, I'm still thinking about how the PCs might try to get the blood. I might just have to stat this one up in greater detail and run it to find out.
@Mister-Kent, it was an honor and a privilege to compete against you. I thought your entry had incredible atmosphere and a very interesting theme running throughout. I hope to see you on the field next year!
@Mister-Kent, it was an honor and a privilege to compete against you. I thought your entry had incredible atmosphere and a very interesting theme running throughout. I hope to see you on the field next year!
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"Speak of the Devil"
Lost Minotaur
Disguised Warehouse
Idiomatic Confusion
Affably Evil
Perfect Game
Found Wanting
This is an Urban 5e adventure for level 1 characters. It can also be used any time during larger campaigns that take place in cities or urban environments.
Overview:
A carnival worker, Jormund Piddlestomper, has been practicing dark magic, taking customers and secretly sacrificing them to a devil. He is very charming and likable, always smiling and making jokes. He forces his victims to play a “Game”, where they attempt escape and rescue others, but failure means they lose their souls. Piddlestomper must win 10 times in a row, making the “Perfect Game”, or his soul is forfeit.
The Adventure:
The party hears rumors that some townsfolk have disappeared near a carnival. Speaking to the Carnival Master, he also has lost his prized exhibit: a Minotaur. Further investigation shows that people keep disappearing in the towns and cities this carnival goes to, and the owner wonders if one of his crew is involved. Talking to any of the Carny’s with a DC 10 Persuasion or Intimidation check has them point out Jormund Piddlestomper’s cabin. He’s the magic behind the carnival, and they are all wary of him.
Upon searching the cabin, they find a note with a local address on it. If they succeed on a DC 15 Perception check, they find a hidden compartment with a journal which talks about dealing with devils, and a related game the man is frightened of losing. He needs a “Perfect Game”, though it indicates he has succeeded in 9 times, and only needs one more to win the game against the devil.
The party goes to the address and finds a warehouse. Once inside, though, the door shuts behind them, and disappears, and they find themselves in a Labyrinth.
A voice calls out over the party, “Welcome! Come and play Devil’s Advocate! Well begun is half done, but can you whether the storm? Before you is a maze of magic and might, beyond young maidens do quiver with fright. You must continue through thick and thin, but you must also run like the wind. Leave no stone unturned as you riddle each gate but take too much time and you’ll be checkmate. For within I kill two birds with one stone, a Minotaur hunts, his bloodlust has grown.”
The maze is magical, and blocks attempts to circumvent the fun with magic. Every time they turn a corner, roll a d20. On a 16-20, they find a gate, and a 1-5 finds the Minotaur, otherwise there are just twists and turns.
There are three gates to get to the center. Each gate opens by solving a “riddle”, utilizing a different idiom. If they take too long, roll a d20. On a 1, they Minotaur finds them and attacks. Each time they succeed at a gate, Piddlestomper humorously makes a comment about the idiom used.
1. A scale, two measuring bowls and two large jugs, one labeled “Cure” and one labeled “Prevention”, sit on a table next to the gate. They must pour some of each into the bowls, and then set the bowls on the scale. Since an ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of Cure, they must use only 1/16th of Prevention to equal the same amount of the Cure. Trial and error can work but takes time.
2. Next to this gate is a skeleton of a man and a horse. You have to beat the dead horse in order to get the door to open.
3. They come to a trench, with a bridge spanning the gap. Across the bridge is the gate. They must cross the bridge and then burn it to open the gate.
In the center of the maze is a glass house with no door. Inside the glass house are the captured townsfolk. The glass is completely indestructible, unless you grab one of the stones around on the ground and throw it at the glass. Then it shatters, and the game is won.
At this point, Jormund Piddlestomper screams and the maze disappears, revealing the mage. If the Minotaur is still alive, he sends it after them. If not, he is consumed by infernal flames. A Devil briefly appears, and says “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.” The Devil does the same if the party fails, only in this case consuming the party. On Piddlestomper’s corpse is 1d4 random Magical items from Table B, and 200gp.
Lost Minotaur
Disguised Warehouse
Idiomatic Confusion
Affably Evil
Perfect Game
Found Wanting
This is an Urban 5e adventure for level 1 characters. It can also be used any time during larger campaigns that take place in cities or urban environments.
Overview:
A carnival worker, Jormund Piddlestomper, has been practicing dark magic, taking customers and secretly sacrificing them to a devil. He is very charming and likable, always smiling and making jokes. He forces his victims to play a “Game”, where they attempt escape and rescue others, but failure means they lose their souls. Piddlestomper must win 10 times in a row, making the “Perfect Game”, or his soul is forfeit.
The Adventure:
The party hears rumors that some townsfolk have disappeared near a carnival. Speaking to the Carnival Master, he also has lost his prized exhibit: a Minotaur. Further investigation shows that people keep disappearing in the towns and cities this carnival goes to, and the owner wonders if one of his crew is involved. Talking to any of the Carny’s with a DC 10 Persuasion or Intimidation check has them point out Jormund Piddlestomper’s cabin. He’s the magic behind the carnival, and they are all wary of him.
Upon searching the cabin, they find a note with a local address on it. If they succeed on a DC 15 Perception check, they find a hidden compartment with a journal which talks about dealing with devils, and a related game the man is frightened of losing. He needs a “Perfect Game”, though it indicates he has succeeded in 9 times, and only needs one more to win the game against the devil.
The party goes to the address and finds a warehouse. Once inside, though, the door shuts behind them, and disappears, and they find themselves in a Labyrinth.
A voice calls out over the party, “Welcome! Come and play Devil’s Advocate! Well begun is half done, but can you whether the storm? Before you is a maze of magic and might, beyond young maidens do quiver with fright. You must continue through thick and thin, but you must also run like the wind. Leave no stone unturned as you riddle each gate but take too much time and you’ll be checkmate. For within I kill two birds with one stone, a Minotaur hunts, his bloodlust has grown.”
The maze is magical, and blocks attempts to circumvent the fun with magic. Every time they turn a corner, roll a d20. On a 16-20, they find a gate, and a 1-5 finds the Minotaur, otherwise there are just twists and turns.
There are three gates to get to the center. Each gate opens by solving a “riddle”, utilizing a different idiom. If they take too long, roll a d20. On a 1, they Minotaur finds them and attacks. Each time they succeed at a gate, Piddlestomper humorously makes a comment about the idiom used.
1. A scale, two measuring bowls and two large jugs, one labeled “Cure” and one labeled “Prevention”, sit on a table next to the gate. They must pour some of each into the bowls, and then set the bowls on the scale. Since an ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of Cure, they must use only 1/16th of Prevention to equal the same amount of the Cure. Trial and error can work but takes time.
2. Next to this gate is a skeleton of a man and a horse. You have to beat the dead horse in order to get the door to open.
3. They come to a trench, with a bridge spanning the gap. Across the bridge is the gate. They must cross the bridge and then burn it to open the gate.
In the center of the maze is a glass house with no door. Inside the glass house are the captured townsfolk. The glass is completely indestructible, unless you grab one of the stones around on the ground and throw it at the glass. Then it shatters, and the game is won.
At this point, Jormund Piddlestomper screams and the maze disappears, revealing the mage. If the Minotaur is still alive, he sends it after them. If not, he is consumed by infernal flames. A Devil briefly appears, and says “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting.” The Devil does the same if the party fails, only in this case consuming the party. On Piddlestomper’s corpse is 1d4 random Magical items from Table B, and 200gp.
Gradine
The Elephant in the Room (she/her)
The Little Bloodhounds in: Have You Seen This Calf?
The Little Bloodhounds in: Have You Seen This Calf?
Lost Minotaur
Perfect Game
Affably Evil
Disguised Warehouse
Found Wanting
Idiomatic Confusion
Clubhouse Detectives
The Little Bloodhounds are a group of friends in the second grade at Monsterberg Elementary. Monsterberg is a relatively small town on the outskirts of Seatown. Between regular evil plots and do-gooder adventurers, there’s always some mystery for the Bloodhounds to unravel. When they’re not saving the town, these pint-sized fanged and furred sleuths do private investigating for the low price of five silver pieces: just enough for some Sour Dwarves, their favorite treat.
The Lost Boys
Minnie Taur is the biggest kid in Ms. Ichtytriax’s second grade class, but he's a shy minotaur. He is often bullied by Connor Stinson, a fourth grade hobgoblin of small mind, for having a name like a “girly chinchilla”. It wasn't strange he didn’t come to school on Monday; he sometimes skipped classes to avoid being teased. By Wednesday, though, Minnie’s face was on the side of every milk carton. Connor goes missing the next day.
Game Over
On Friday, one of the Bloodhounds finds a flier in their cubby. “Come to The Labyrinth tonight and find the Perfect Game!” The flier has a Checkmate 4200 game cartridge on it. The flier could only be referring to one thing: Moley the Subterranean, the game that sank Giveaway Games. The epic game was never released, as Giveaway dissolved shortly before release. But Moley the S.T. was supposedly finished, and thousands of copies are rumored to be left in a warehouse. A similar flier can be found in Connor’s cubby (Minnie's is empty) for any Bloodhound willing to brave Mr. UIithard’s 4th grade class; they most search the cubby and escape with as much of their brain intact as possible. It’s well known how much Minnie loves video games, and he often talks about wanting to play Moley the S.T.
Labyrinth
The Labyrinth is an indoor carnival, but it isn’t supposed to be open until next month. If the Bloodhounds arrive at night, however, the lights inside are on. Inside they meet Explicia Malevolen, an overly friendly ettercap. She has great candy and only one eyepatch, so she seems legit. She also insists she is cursed that she cannot tell a lie, so you know she’s being honest. She says the other boys are lost in the maze, still looking for the Perfect Game. They cannot leave until they’ve found it. She has one last reveal: that she bought this location to host her Labyrinth because it used to be a warehouse for Giveaway Games!
In reality, Explicia Malevolen is evil! She’s right about the curse, but she’s found it only prevents her from telling direct lies. Her plan is to lure Monsterberg’s children into her lair (which truly was a Giveaway Games warehouse) and force the parents to make her the mayor in return for their children back! If only she had the Perfect Game...
The Labyrinth is a terrible maze filled with puzzles, traps, and devious lab rats. Unbeknownst to the Bloodhounds, they’re being followed themselves by a nasty monster… Connor! Connor is all talk, and puts on a brave face, but he’s actually scared of the Labyrinth, and can’t traverse it alone.
In a dark corner of the Labyrinth, the Bloodhounds find Minnie. Even if the Bloodhounds (and possibly Connor) decide to confront Explicia, Minnie refuses to leave; he wants the Perfect Game! He won’t leave without it, but he’ll need to be convinced to work with Connor, let alone share his supply of Blood Orange Juice and Cheddar Hobbits. Minnie, as a minotaur, never gets lost, and is a great help navigating the Labyrinth, but struggles with the puzzles.
Yugoloths in the Outfield
At the center of the Labyrinth is the Perfect Game; Explicia wasn’t lying about that. She’ll try her hardest to prevent the Bloodhounds from finding it, but cannot stop anyone from leaving once it’s found.
But it’s not a video game; it’s a trading card commemorating one of Beholderball’s most famous perfect games: Lucky Franz’s Crossplanar Series win for the Seatown Krakens, in which he struck out twelve gladiators and decapitated three umpires in a single inning, a multiverse record! It’s not Moley the Subterranean, but it might sell for enough to buy a new console. Minnie wants the new Creole Exodus, but Connor wants the Checkmate 6900, the grownup console his uncle has, and might try to steal the card! The Bloodhounds must stop Connor and decide what to do with their new treasure.
The Little Bloodhounds will return in… The Reluctant Jackalwere
The Little Bloodhounds in: Have You Seen This Calf?
Lost Minotaur
Perfect Game
Affably Evil
Disguised Warehouse
Found Wanting
Idiomatic Confusion
Clubhouse Detectives
The Little Bloodhounds are a group of friends in the second grade at Monsterberg Elementary. Monsterberg is a relatively small town on the outskirts of Seatown. Between regular evil plots and do-gooder adventurers, there’s always some mystery for the Bloodhounds to unravel. When they’re not saving the town, these pint-sized fanged and furred sleuths do private investigating for the low price of five silver pieces: just enough for some Sour Dwarves, their favorite treat.
The Lost Boys
Minnie Taur is the biggest kid in Ms. Ichtytriax’s second grade class, but he's a shy minotaur. He is often bullied by Connor Stinson, a fourth grade hobgoblin of small mind, for having a name like a “girly chinchilla”. It wasn't strange he didn’t come to school on Monday; he sometimes skipped classes to avoid being teased. By Wednesday, though, Minnie’s face was on the side of every milk carton. Connor goes missing the next day.
Game Over
On Friday, one of the Bloodhounds finds a flier in their cubby. “Come to The Labyrinth tonight and find the Perfect Game!” The flier has a Checkmate 4200 game cartridge on it. The flier could only be referring to one thing: Moley the Subterranean, the game that sank Giveaway Games. The epic game was never released, as Giveaway dissolved shortly before release. But Moley the S.T. was supposedly finished, and thousands of copies are rumored to be left in a warehouse. A similar flier can be found in Connor’s cubby (Minnie's is empty) for any Bloodhound willing to brave Mr. UIithard’s 4th grade class; they most search the cubby and escape with as much of their brain intact as possible. It’s well known how much Minnie loves video games, and he often talks about wanting to play Moley the S.T.
Labyrinth
The Labyrinth is an indoor carnival, but it isn’t supposed to be open until next month. If the Bloodhounds arrive at night, however, the lights inside are on. Inside they meet Explicia Malevolen, an overly friendly ettercap. She has great candy and only one eyepatch, so she seems legit. She also insists she is cursed that she cannot tell a lie, so you know she’s being honest. She says the other boys are lost in the maze, still looking for the Perfect Game. They cannot leave until they’ve found it. She has one last reveal: that she bought this location to host her Labyrinth because it used to be a warehouse for Giveaway Games!
In reality, Explicia Malevolen is evil! She’s right about the curse, but she’s found it only prevents her from telling direct lies. Her plan is to lure Monsterberg’s children into her lair (which truly was a Giveaway Games warehouse) and force the parents to make her the mayor in return for their children back! If only she had the Perfect Game...
The Labyrinth is a terrible maze filled with puzzles, traps, and devious lab rats. Unbeknownst to the Bloodhounds, they’re being followed themselves by a nasty monster… Connor! Connor is all talk, and puts on a brave face, but he’s actually scared of the Labyrinth, and can’t traverse it alone.
In a dark corner of the Labyrinth, the Bloodhounds find Minnie. Even if the Bloodhounds (and possibly Connor) decide to confront Explicia, Minnie refuses to leave; he wants the Perfect Game! He won’t leave without it, but he’ll need to be convinced to work with Connor, let alone share his supply of Blood Orange Juice and Cheddar Hobbits. Minnie, as a minotaur, never gets lost, and is a great help navigating the Labyrinth, but struggles with the puzzles.
Yugoloths in the Outfield
At the center of the Labyrinth is the Perfect Game; Explicia wasn’t lying about that. She’ll try her hardest to prevent the Bloodhounds from finding it, but cannot stop anyone from leaving once it’s found.
But it’s not a video game; it’s a trading card commemorating one of Beholderball’s most famous perfect games: Lucky Franz’s Crossplanar Series win for the Seatown Krakens, in which he struck out twelve gladiators and decapitated three umpires in a single inning, a multiverse record! It’s not Moley the Subterranean, but it might sell for enough to buy a new console. Minnie wants the new Creole Exodus, but Connor wants the Checkmate 6900, the grownup console his uncle has, and might try to steal the card! The Bloodhounds must stop Connor and decide what to do with their new treasure.
The Little Bloodhounds will return in… The Reluctant Jackalwere
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