I admit, I was going to write a different essay. No, not the Tolkien one from long ago that was 90% done and I accidentally deleted. That's my Castle Greyhawk. Instead, I was going to write about how Gygax's deep religious faith (as a Jehovah's Witness) had a foundational impact on D&D that can be gleaned in the texts of the early game, and use that as a counterpoint to the Satanic Panic that followed.
thinking....
Ah, hells to the no. I am not touching that topic with your 10' pole. I wouldn't even throw your Mama's bard at that topic. Well, okay, I would throw a lot of bards into that topic as kindling, but still.
Instead, while I was doing research I kept getting reminded of some of those truly weird spells that they had in the AD&D Player's Handbook. Now, I know that there are times when we enlightened folk of the 5e genus like to talk about some spells being a little OP and some being a little nerfed or whatever, but I am going to introduce you to some spells that are utterly, totally, and indubitably ...weird. Some of them are facially useless. Some of them are weird because of the way that they interact with other rules. Some of them are weird because they needed to pad the number of spells for a level and put in some spells that no one in their right mind would use a high level slot for.
And some of them are just .... well, high powered mutants that are too weird to live to the modern game, but too strange to die from my memory.
So, a few rules. Why? BECASE RULES ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT SEPARATE US FROM ANIMALS, BARDS, AND THE GUY IN THE EXPRESS LANE WITH A FULL SHOPPING CART (who is definitely a bard).
A. These are spells from the 1e PHB (1978).
B. I am going to assume that the rules are "on." In other words, some of the spells I am going to list are particularly weird because of the way they interact with other rules. If your table didn't play with those rules on, then it's not as bad.
C. Level matters. A spell could be a normal third level spell, but if it's a seventh level spell, then it's weird ... like, why are you casting it instead of Resurrection?
D. Because this is the 1978, I am not going to include rules conflicts (such as the original, "There is no rule for haste").
E. This isn't all of them, but my selected representative example. Or I thought they were funny. Or they provoked mixed and confusing emotions in me, like watching a bard back off a cliff in my new Mercedes.
Finally, a reminder for 5e players. The reason many of these spells are so egregious is because 1e had a fundamentally different approach to magic than 5e. In (pre-UA) 1e, there were no cantrips. There were no "always-on" attack spells. Magic was rare, but powerful. And re-memorizing spells (especially high level spells) was time consuming. You didn't want to waste slots on a waste of time.
SNARF'S TWENTY WEIRD SPELLS FROM THE 1e PHB THAT WE JUST DON'T SEE MUCH OF ANYMORE
1. Polymorph Other (MU 4). I am including this simply because it's not, at all, what most people think of. When you see it (next to polymorph self), you probably are like, "Cool, I can cast it on a party member!" NO. DO NOT. Do you know why? Three reasons- first, it took a separate spell (dispel magic) to end. Second, there is a daily chance that the individual will be forever changed to the personality of the form it takes. And third, there is a good chance of the target dying (system shock) both when the spell is cast, and when it is undone! Yep! In fact, this was actually a sneaky way to kill low constitution opponents.
2. Sticks to Snakes (Cl 4). Look, sticks to snakes is only a little weird. But what makes it really weird is a property that it shared with a lot of early D&D spells. It was ... reversible! That's right. That spell could also be cast as .... snakes to sticks!
3. Erase (MU 1). With this mighty spell, you can, um, erase one to to pages of writing! WOOT! But wait. Not always. You had a 50% chance of doing it, plus 2% per level for magic writings. And, um, 4% per level for MUNDANE writings. This is one of the few times that the thief would be able to mock the Magic User, btw. "So, you're saying that you're going to cast a spell to erase two pages from that book? And it might not work? Why don't you hold my beer while I go get poisoned by a trap I didn't find."
4. Identify (MU 1). Unlike Erase, this is a spell that seems like it would be incredibly useful! And then, you read it. So how does this spell work? First, the Magic User must use/wear the item, so if it's cursed, then the MU will suffer the consequences. OKAY THEN! Next, it lasts 1 segment / level, and for every segment that the MU has the item, the MU has a 15%+5% per level chance of maybe finding out one thing BUT every time they do, the DM rolls a secret save vs. magic, and depending on the roll, will either learn something true, false, or nothing. Also, they can never learn accurate information about charges and stuff (that will be always be off). Also also the MU loses eight points of constitution. There's some other stuff there, but WTAF?
5. First Level Magic User Spells (Ill 7). Illusionists were treated pretty pretty shabbily by Gygax, and the way you know that is that when an illusionist reached the apex of their power, when they could cast prismatic spray ... or alter reality ... they could also choose to cast the well known spell, FIRST LEVEL MAGIC USER SPELLS! That's right, you could choose between prismatic spray and, um, erase. Good times!
6. Pretty Much All Illusionist Spells. It was pretty common for spells to cross-reference each other in the PHB, and for spells to be slightly different between different casters (Dispel Magic isn't the same for everyone!). But the majority of Illusionist spells were simply, "This other spell, but weaker, and usually at a later level." Shadow magic was a fifth level spell that let them cast fireball, except a save wasn't 1/2 damage, it was 1hp/level. Illusionists get True Sight at Sixth, which was the same as the Cleric's True Seeing at Fifth, but weaker. Clerics and MUs get detect magic as a first level spell, Illusionists get it at second level. MUs get rope trick at second, Illusionists at third. And so on.
7. Distance Distortion (MU 5). See, this spell is pretty cool! You can make distances ... distorted. By half, or doubled. You can (to use the text's example) make a 10' x 100' corridor seem like it is 5' x 50' OR .... wait for it .... 20' x 200'! I mean, I don't think I'm going to give up a cloud kill for that, but .... wait. The prerequisite for the spell is ... you have to have a summoned and friendly earth elemental handy. WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?
8. Leomund's Tiny Chest (MU 5). Everyone knows that treasure lootin' is the key to AD&D. So this a cool spell! You spend at least 5k gp to construct a large and tiny chest. Then the large chest goes to the ethereal plane, and the tiny chest is one you can carry on you. And you can summon the large chest to you at any time (MOAR LOOT AND SPELLBOOKZ!). What's not to like on this fifth level spell? Oh ... wait ... there's more writing. See, there is a growing chance that the large chest will be found on the ethereal plane. Also? Every single time you bring the big chest to you, you are ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time that remains open for five hours for Githyanki to pop through and eat you or something.
9. Death Spell (MU 6). This is a weird spell, mostly in the context of today. Why? Allow me to read the opening- "When a death spell is cast, it slays creatures in the area of effect instantly and irrevocably." There is no save. Seriously, you have so many spells with so many caveats, or insane restrictions, or bizarre use cases, and then there is a spell that actually does it what it is friggin' called.
10. Animate Rock (Dr 7). Had to get one druid spell in, and it's a target-rich environment. The first thing to know is that this spell has to compete with all of the Druid's highest level options. Finger of Death. Firestorm. Um .... Control Weather. The second thing to note is ... math is hard. Why? The rock you are animating must be stand-alone. Now, let's assume the highest-possible level druid (level capped at 14 in this edition). Your maximum animation will be (2x14) 28 cubic feet. That means you must find a free-standing rock/boulder that is 28 cubic feet or less. Okay. You find a rock measuring (roughly) 4' x 4' x 4'. TOO BIG! That's right, your boulder must measure approximately 4' x 3' x 2'. If you happen to be around spherical boulders, your boulder is 3' 9" or less. Assuming you find one that is at your maximum capacity, and you don't settle for less or spend you time whittling rocks down for your spell.
That's right, your druid is recreating Stonehenge from Spinal Tap. And using his best spell slot for it.
Anyway, that was a taste of some. Please use the comments to add some more, or tell me how wrong I am and how you used Erase to take down a band of fire giants in the comments!
thinking....
Ah, hells to the no. I am not touching that topic with your 10' pole. I wouldn't even throw your Mama's bard at that topic. Well, okay, I would throw a lot of bards into that topic as kindling, but still.
Instead, while I was doing research I kept getting reminded of some of those truly weird spells that they had in the AD&D Player's Handbook. Now, I know that there are times when we enlightened folk of the 5e genus like to talk about some spells being a little OP and some being a little nerfed or whatever, but I am going to introduce you to some spells that are utterly, totally, and indubitably ...weird. Some of them are facially useless. Some of them are weird because of the way that they interact with other rules. Some of them are weird because they needed to pad the number of spells for a level and put in some spells that no one in their right mind would use a high level slot for.
And some of them are just .... well, high powered mutants that are too weird to live to the modern game, but too strange to die from my memory.
So, a few rules. Why? BECASE RULES ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT SEPARATE US FROM ANIMALS, BARDS, AND THE GUY IN THE EXPRESS LANE WITH A FULL SHOPPING CART (who is definitely a bard).
A. These are spells from the 1e PHB (1978).
B. I am going to assume that the rules are "on." In other words, some of the spells I am going to list are particularly weird because of the way they interact with other rules. If your table didn't play with those rules on, then it's not as bad.
C. Level matters. A spell could be a normal third level spell, but if it's a seventh level spell, then it's weird ... like, why are you casting it instead of Resurrection?
D. Because this is the 1978, I am not going to include rules conflicts (such as the original, "There is no rule for haste").
E. This isn't all of them, but my selected representative example. Or I thought they were funny. Or they provoked mixed and confusing emotions in me, like watching a bard back off a cliff in my new Mercedes.
Finally, a reminder for 5e players. The reason many of these spells are so egregious is because 1e had a fundamentally different approach to magic than 5e. In (pre-UA) 1e, there were no cantrips. There were no "always-on" attack spells. Magic was rare, but powerful. And re-memorizing spells (especially high level spells) was time consuming. You didn't want to waste slots on a waste of time.
SNARF'S TWENTY WEIRD SPELLS FROM THE 1e PHB THAT WE JUST DON'T SEE MUCH OF ANYMORE
1. Polymorph Other (MU 4). I am including this simply because it's not, at all, what most people think of. When you see it (next to polymorph self), you probably are like, "Cool, I can cast it on a party member!" NO. DO NOT. Do you know why? Three reasons- first, it took a separate spell (dispel magic) to end. Second, there is a daily chance that the individual will be forever changed to the personality of the form it takes. And third, there is a good chance of the target dying (system shock) both when the spell is cast, and when it is undone! Yep! In fact, this was actually a sneaky way to kill low constitution opponents.
2. Sticks to Snakes (Cl 4). Look, sticks to snakes is only a little weird. But what makes it really weird is a property that it shared with a lot of early D&D spells. It was ... reversible! That's right. That spell could also be cast as .... snakes to sticks!
3. Erase (MU 1). With this mighty spell, you can, um, erase one to to pages of writing! WOOT! But wait. Not always. You had a 50% chance of doing it, plus 2% per level for magic writings. And, um, 4% per level for MUNDANE writings. This is one of the few times that the thief would be able to mock the Magic User, btw. "So, you're saying that you're going to cast a spell to erase two pages from that book? And it might not work? Why don't you hold my beer while I go get poisoned by a trap I didn't find."
4. Identify (MU 1). Unlike Erase, this is a spell that seems like it would be incredibly useful! And then, you read it. So how does this spell work? First, the Magic User must use/wear the item, so if it's cursed, then the MU will suffer the consequences. OKAY THEN! Next, it lasts 1 segment / level, and for every segment that the MU has the item, the MU has a 15%+5% per level chance of maybe finding out one thing BUT every time they do, the DM rolls a secret save vs. magic, and depending on the roll, will either learn something true, false, or nothing. Also, they can never learn accurate information about charges and stuff (that will be always be off). Also also the MU loses eight points of constitution. There's some other stuff there, but WTAF?
5. First Level Magic User Spells (Ill 7). Illusionists were treated pretty pretty shabbily by Gygax, and the way you know that is that when an illusionist reached the apex of their power, when they could cast prismatic spray ... or alter reality ... they could also choose to cast the well known spell, FIRST LEVEL MAGIC USER SPELLS! That's right, you could choose between prismatic spray and, um, erase. Good times!
6. Pretty Much All Illusionist Spells. It was pretty common for spells to cross-reference each other in the PHB, and for spells to be slightly different between different casters (Dispel Magic isn't the same for everyone!). But the majority of Illusionist spells were simply, "This other spell, but weaker, and usually at a later level." Shadow magic was a fifth level spell that let them cast fireball, except a save wasn't 1/2 damage, it was 1hp/level. Illusionists get True Sight at Sixth, which was the same as the Cleric's True Seeing at Fifth, but weaker. Clerics and MUs get detect magic as a first level spell, Illusionists get it at second level. MUs get rope trick at second, Illusionists at third. And so on.
7. Distance Distortion (MU 5). See, this spell is pretty cool! You can make distances ... distorted. By half, or doubled. You can (to use the text's example) make a 10' x 100' corridor seem like it is 5' x 50' OR .... wait for it .... 20' x 200'! I mean, I don't think I'm going to give up a cloud kill for that, but .... wait. The prerequisite for the spell is ... you have to have a summoned and friendly earth elemental handy. WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?
8. Leomund's Tiny Chest (MU 5). Everyone knows that treasure lootin' is the key to AD&D. So this a cool spell! You spend at least 5k gp to construct a large and tiny chest. Then the large chest goes to the ethereal plane, and the tiny chest is one you can carry on you. And you can summon the large chest to you at any time (MOAR LOOT AND SPELLBOOKZ!). What's not to like on this fifth level spell? Oh ... wait ... there's more writing. See, there is a growing chance that the large chest will be found on the ethereal plane. Also? Every single time you bring the big chest to you, you are ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time that remains open for five hours for Githyanki to pop through and eat you or something.
9. Death Spell (MU 6). This is a weird spell, mostly in the context of today. Why? Allow me to read the opening- "When a death spell is cast, it slays creatures in the area of effect instantly and irrevocably." There is no save. Seriously, you have so many spells with so many caveats, or insane restrictions, or bizarre use cases, and then there is a spell that actually does it what it is friggin' called.
10. Animate Rock (Dr 7). Had to get one druid spell in, and it's a target-rich environment. The first thing to know is that this spell has to compete with all of the Druid's highest level options. Finger of Death. Firestorm. Um .... Control Weather. The second thing to note is ... math is hard. Why? The rock you are animating must be stand-alone. Now, let's assume the highest-possible level druid (level capped at 14 in this edition). Your maximum animation will be (2x14) 28 cubic feet. That means you must find a free-standing rock/boulder that is 28 cubic feet or less. Okay. You find a rock measuring (roughly) 4' x 4' x 4'. TOO BIG! That's right, your boulder must measure approximately 4' x 3' x 2'. If you happen to be around spherical boulders, your boulder is 3' 9" or less. Assuming you find one that is at your maximum capacity, and you don't settle for less or spend you time whittling rocks down for your spell.
That's right, your druid is recreating Stonehenge from Spinal Tap. And using his best spell slot for it.
Anyway, that was a taste of some. Please use the comments to add some more, or tell me how wrong I am and how you used Erase to take down a band of fire giants in the comments!
