D&D General A Trip Back In Time: On The Utter Weirdness of Old Spells

[Coroc]

..., read magic, ...

Why would he need that one though?

 

[Flying Toaster]

True statement- I was not familiar with those. I've been occupied for a while.

But on the illusionist ... there are just some absolutely crazy decisions that they made to absolutely destroy the class as written. There are so many I could probably write an essay or two about it, but one of my favorite examples isn't one that I think was deliberate, but was, instead, an example of how little they thought about the class after including it.

The Illusionist has an insanely detailed list of magic item prescriptions (what they can and cannot use). In fact, they have a written and specific list of rods, staves, and wands they can use:
Rod of cancellation, staff of striking, and wands of enemy detection, fear, illusion, magic detection, metal & mineral detection, secret door & trap detection, wonder.

THAT'S IT. And here's the thing .... on that list, only the staff of striking and the wand of fear are gated by class. All the rest are "any." Which means that the illusionist is prohibited from using a ton of items that ... are allowed by EVERYONE ELSE (e.g., wands of magic missiles, illumination, negation).

I don't even think that it was deliberate? It's just stupid.

In one of the AD&D threads focused on ability scores, people were discussing character generation and the fact that rolling ability scores with dice meant that you had to play a sort of preliminary gambling mini-game just to secure an opportunity to play the real game. If you rolled well enough to get (IIRC) a 16 in the prime requisite for your class, you would be rewarded with 10% bonus XP for the rest of your adventuring career - barring any unfortunate encounters with cursed magic items, mysterious dungeon fountains, the Deck of Many Things, etc., etc. That bonus was usually the first Gygaxian "win more or lose more" mechanic an AD&D player would encounter, but certainly not the last, and to me they all seem to fight against EGG's own wargaming ethos focused on rewarding skilled play (and punishing unskilled or impulsive play).

This is all just a preamble to a weird fact that popped up in that thread: illusionists could never qualify for that XP bonus because they had two prime requisites, INT and DEX, and for some strange reason that meant they could never get the bonus even if they had two 18's in those scores. I guess this is what people mean when they talk about exception-based rules design.

 

[Staffan]

In one of the AD&D threads focused on ability scores, people were discussing character generation and the fact that rolling ability scores with dice meant that you had to play a sort of preliminary gambling mini-game just to secure an opportunity to play the real game. If you rolled well enough to get (IIRC) a 16 in the prime requisite for your class, you would be rewarded with 10% bonus XP for the rest of your adventuring career - barring any unfortunate encounters with cursed magic items, mysterious dungeon fountains, the Deck of Many Things, etc., etc. That bonus was usually the first Gygaxian "win more or lose more" mechanic an AD&D player would encounter, but certainly not the last, and to me they all seem to fight against EGG's own wargaming ethos focused on rewarding skilled play (and punishing unskilled or impulsive play).

Gygax definitely seemed to like random chance providing heavy bonuses in-game. In his later design, Dangerous Journeys, there were two major random chances you could get at character generation which would significantly increase your power: a dweomercraefter or priestcraefter (the closest equivalents to wizards and clerics) had a small chance of being True Practitioners (I think that was the term) which would multiply the magic points they got from their primary skill by 10 (which, since you usually got a bunch from other skills as well, would mean an approximate doubling of total magic points in practice) and make spellcasting one step easier, and if you happened to roll being a seventh child of a seventh child you got a significant boost to your Joss (luck points).

 

[Lanefan]

Why would he need that one though?

Probably doesn't need it now, but Read Magic is the one spell all MUs are guaranteed to start out with in their spellbooks.

 

[Voadam]

Why would he need that one though?

Azimer is an addled and insane magical researcher who mistakenly thinks people he meets are his magical research assistants. It is thematically appropriate enough even if he is unlikely to actually think he will actually come across new scrolls or spellbooks on which he would use it. If he is thinking of it as the off chance he ever comes across such and wants to be ready if he does, he has plenty of other slots and options.

The one that more surprises me is Strahd in I6

First level: comprehend languages,
hold portal, protection from good, sleep.
Second level: invisibility, locate objects,
mirror image, ESP.
Third level: fireball, gust of wind, suggestion.
Fourth level: polymorph other, polymorph self
Fifth level: animate dead, distance distortion

Which is an odd one to prepare as he does not have a way to summon a friendly earth elemental to get the distance distortion to work.

In the 2e adaptation House of Strahd they even manage to have him use it to a somewhat decent effect, with one thematic sidestep on the elemental requirement.

STRAHD'S OPPORTUNITY
The vampire casts distance distortion on the
interior of the tower just as the PCs begin to climb
the stairs. This spell normally requires an earth
elemental to function properly, but the living tower
itself is an adequate substitute. The duration of the
spell is 32 turns, or about 5 hours. Any character
falling from the stairs is treated as if falling twice
that distance, to a maximum of 20d6 points of damage.

 

[Bohandas]

You know, given the biblical inspiration of some spells (sticks to snakes, insect plague), we should be grateful there wasn't a visitation of hemorrhoids spell.

That's how Indiana Jones really should have ended. AND Shadow Over Innsmouth

 

[Mannahnin]

2. Sticks to Snakes (Cl 4). Look, sticks to snakes is only a little weird. But what makes it really weird is a property that it shared with a lot of early D&D spells. It was ... reversible! That's right. That spell could also be cast as .... snakes to sticks!

This biblical miracle was common knowledge when I was a kid, but given how nasty poison was in OD&D and AD&D, the reversed could actually be really useful. Of, course, sucks hard that it's at the same level as Neutralize Poison and Cure Serious!

4. Identify (MU 1). Unlike Erase, this is a spell that seems like it would be incredibly useful! And then, you read it. So how does this spell work? First, the Magic User must use/wear the item, so if it's cursed, then the MU will suffer the consequences. OKAY THEN! Next, it lasts 1 segment / level, and for every segment that the MU has the item, the MU has a 15%+5% per level chance of maybe finding out one thing BUT every time they do, the DM rolls a secret save vs. magic, and depending on the roll, will either learn something true, false, or nothing. Also, they can never learn accurate information about charges and stuff (that will be always be off). Also also the MU loses eight points of constitution. There's some other stuff there, but WTAF?

This one definitely feels like genre emulation, but the limitations on it like never getting the charges or more powerful abilities) are just dumb and crappy in play.

6. Pretty Much All Illusionist Spells. It was pretty common for spells to cross-reference each other in the PHB, and for spells to be slightly different between different casters (Dispel Magic isn't the same for everyone!). But the majority of Illusionist spells were simply, "This other spell, but weaker, and usually at a later level." Shadow magic was a fifth level spell that let them cast fireball, except a save wasn't 1/2 damage, it was 1hp/level. Illusionists get True Sight at Sixth, which was the same as the Cleric's True Seeing at Fifth, but weaker. Clerics and MUs get detect magic as a first level spell, Illusionists get it at second level. MUs get rope trick at second, Illusionists at third. And so on.

I could see running a swords & sorcery campaign with lowered requirements for being an Illusionist, and using Aronson's original version with access to 1st - 3rd level MU spells, in PLACE of actual "full" M-Us. If Illusionists weren't having to compete with M-Us they'd be much more interesting.

I've been playing an Illusionist in a 5.5 game since 5.5 was released, basically (I think it'll be two years next month) and the shenanigans have been fun, though as usual the number of spells requiring Concentration crimps my style. It's a nice challenge to my creativity to keep coming up with new illusions.

8. Leomund's Tiny Chest (MU 5). Everyone knows that treasure lootin' is the key to AD&D. So this a cool spell! You spend at least 5k gp to construct a large and tiny chest. Then the large chest goes to the ethereal plane, and the tiny chest is one you can carry on you. And you can summon the large chest to you at any time (MOAR LOOT AND SPELLBOOKZ!). What's not to like on this fifth level spell? Oh ... wait ... there's more writing. See, there is a growing chance that the large chest will be found on the ethereal plane. Also? Every single time you bring the big chest to you, you are ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time that remains open for five hours for Githyanki to pop through and eat you or something.

I love the random table. This spell really feels like Vance. Good one, Len Lakofka. We miss ya.

9. Death Spell (MU 6). This is a weird spell, mostly in the context of today. Why? Allow me to read the opening- "When a death spell is cast, it slays creatures in the area of effect instantly and irrevocably." There is no save. Seriously, you have so many spells with so many caveats, or insane restrictions, or bizarre use cases, and then there is a spell that actually does it what it is friggin' called.

This one made so much sense in OD&D. A lot of the 6th level spells make more sense in the context of 1974, when they were the top of the heap. The big cheeses. The most powerful spells.

Once Greyhawk came along, with 7th-9th level spells, now they were trying to sort THREE MORE LEVELS of "better than the best" spells? Always going to be a challenge coming up with that many that made any sense (aside from Wish).

 

[Bohandas]

10. Animate Rock (Dr 7). Had to get one druid spell in, and it's a target-rich environment. The first thing to know is that this spell has to compete with all of the Druid's highest level options. Finger of Death. Firestorm. Um .... Control Weather. The second thing to note is ... math is hard. Why? The rock you are animating must be stand-alone. Now, let's assume the highest-possible level druid (level capped at 14 in this edition). Your maximum animation will be (2x14) 28 cubic feet. That means you must find a free-standing rock/boulder that is 28 cubic feet or less. Okay. You find a rock measuring (roughly) 4' x 4' x 4'. TOO BIG! That's right, your boulder must measure approximately 4' x 3' x 2'. If you happen to be around spherical boulders, your boulder is 3' 9" or less. Assuming you find one that is at your maximum capacity, and you don't settle for less or spend you time whittling rocks down for your spell.

I suspect that they may have meant 28 feet cubed and not realized that that was different

 

[Nefertutu]

I admit, I was going to write a different essay. No, not the Tolkien one from long ago that was 90% done and I accidentally deleted. That's my Castle Greyhawk. Instead, I was going to write about how Gygax's deep religious faith (as a Jehovah's Witness) had a foundational impact on D&D that can be gleaned in the texts of the early game, and use that as a counterpoint to the Satanic Panic that followed.

thinking....
Ah, hells to the no. I am not touching that topic with your 10' pole. I wouldn't even throw your Mama's bard at that topic. Well, okay, I would throw a lot of bards into that topic as kindling, but still.

Instead, while I was doing research I kept getting reminded of some of those truly weird spells that they had in the AD&D Player's Handbook. Now, I know that there are times when we enlightened folk of the 5e genus like to talk about some spells being a little OP and some being a little nerfed or whatever, but I am going to introduce you to some spells that are utterly, totally, and indubitably ...weird. Some of them are facially useless. Some of them are weird because of the way that they interact with other rules. Some of them are weird because they needed to pad the number of spells for a level and put in some spells that no one in their right mind would use a high level slot for.

And some of them are just .... well, high powered mutants that are too weird to live to the modern game, but too strange to die from my memory.

So, a few rules. Why? BECASE RULES ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT SEPARATE US FROM ANIMALS, BARDS, AND THE GUY IN THE EXPRESS LANE WITH A FULL SHOPPING CART (who is definitely a bard).

A. These are spells from the 1e PHB (1978).
B. I am going to assume that the rules are "on." In other words, some of the spells I am going to list are particularly weird because of the way they interact with other rules. If your table didn't play with those rules on, then it's not as bad.
C. Level matters. A spell could be a normal third level spell, but if it's a seventh level spell, then it's weird ... like, why are you casting it instead of Resurrection?
D. Because this is the 1978, I am not going to include rules conflicts (such as the original, "There is no rule for haste").
E. This isn't all of them, but my selected representative example. Or I thought they were funny. Or they provoked mixed and confusing emotions in me, like watching a bard back off a cliff in my new Mercedes.

Finally, a reminder for 5e players. The reason many of these spells are so egregious is because 1e had a fundamentally different approach to magic than 5e. In (pre-UA) 1e, there were no cantrips. There were no "always-on" attack spells. Magic was rare, but powerful. And re-memorizing spells (especially high level spells) was time consuming. You didn't want to waste slots on a waste of time.

SNARF'S TWENTY WEIRD SPELLS FROM THE 1e PHB THAT WE JUST DON'T SEE MUCH OF ANYMORE

1. Polymorph Other (MU 4). I am including this simply because it's not, at all, what most people think of. When you see it (next to polymorph self), you probably are like, "Cool, I can cast it on a party member!" NO. DO NOT. Do you know why? Three reasons- first, it took a separate spell (dispel magic) to end. Second, there is a daily chance that the individual will be forever changed to the personality of the form it takes. And third, there is a good chance of the target dying (system shock) both when the spell is cast, and when it is undone! Yep! In fact, this was actually a sneaky way to kill low constitution opponents.

2. Sticks to Snakes (Cl 4). Look, sticks to snakes is only a little weird. But what makes it really weird is a property that it shared with a lot of early D&D spells. It was ... reversible! That's right. That spell could also be cast as .... snakes to sticks!

3. Erase (MU 1). With this mighty spell, you can, um, erase one to to pages of writing! WOOT! But wait. Not always. You had a 50% chance of doing it, plus 2% per level for magic writings. And, um, 4% per level for MUNDANE writings. This is one of the few times that the thief would be able to mock the Magic User, btw. "So, you're saying that you're going to cast a spell to erase two pages from that book? And it might not work? Why don't you hold my beer while I go get poisoned by a trap I didn't find."

4. Identify (MU 1). Unlike Erase, this is a spell that seems like it would be incredibly useful! And then, you read it. So how does this spell work? First, the Magic User must use/wear the item, so if it's cursed, then the MU will suffer the consequences. OKAY THEN! Next, it lasts 1 segment / level, and for every segment that the MU has the item, the MU has a 15%+5% per level chance of maybe finding out one thing BUT every time they do, the DM rolls a secret save vs. magic, and depending on the roll, will either learn something true, false, or nothing. Also, they can never learn accurate information about charges and stuff (that will be always be off). Also also the MU loses eight points of constitution. There's some other stuff there, but WTAF?

5. First Level Magic User Spells (Ill 7). Illusionists were treated pretty pretty shabbily by Gygax, and the way you know that is that when an illusionist reached the apex of their power, when they could cast prismatic spray ... or alter reality ... they could also choose to cast the well known spell, FIRST LEVEL MAGIC USER SPELLS! That's right, you could choose between prismatic spray and, um, erase. Good times!

6. Pretty Much All Illusionist Spells. It was pretty common for spells to cross-reference each other in the PHB, and for spells to be slightly different between different casters (Dispel Magic isn't the same for everyone!). But the majority of Illusionist spells were simply, "This other spell, but weaker, and usually at a later level." Shadow magic was a fifth level spell that let them cast fireball, except a save wasn't 1/2 damage, it was 1hp/level. Illusionists get True Sight at Sixth, which was the same as the Cleric's True Seeing at Fifth, but weaker. Clerics and MUs get detect magic as a first level spell, Illusionists get it at second level. MUs get rope trick at second, Illusionists at third. And so on.

7. Distance Distortion (MU 5). See, this spell is pretty cool! You can make distances ... distorted. By half, or doubled. You can (to use the text's example) make a 10' x 100' corridor seem like it is 5' x 50' OR .... wait for it .... 20' x 200'! I mean, I don't think I'm going to give up a cloud kill for that, but .... wait. The prerequisite for the spell is ... you have to have a summoned and friendly earth elemental handy. WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD?

8. Leomund's Tiny Chest (MU 5). Everyone knows that treasure lootin' is the key to AD&D. So this a cool spell! You spend at least 5k gp to construct a large and tiny chest. Then the large chest goes to the ethereal plane, and the tiny chest is one you can carry on you. And you can summon the large chest to you at any time (MOAR LOOT AND SPELLBOOKZ!). What's not to like on this fifth level spell? Oh ... wait ... there's more writing. See, there is a growing chance that the large chest will be found on the ethereal plane. Also? Every single time you bring the big chest to you, you are ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time that remains open for five hours for Githyanki to pop through and eat you or something.

9. Death Spell (MU 6). This is a weird spell, mostly in the context of today. Why? Allow me to read the opening- "When a death spell is cast, it slays creatures in the area of effect instantly and irrevocably." There is no save. Seriously, you have so many spells with so many caveats, or insane restrictions, or bizarre use cases, and then there is a spell that actually does it what it is friggin' called.

10. Animate Rock (Dr 7). Had to get one druid spell in, and it's a target-rich environment. The first thing to know is that this spell has to compete with all of the Druid's highest level options. Finger of Death. Firestorm. Um .... Control Weather. The second thing to note is ... math is hard. Why? The rock you are animating must be stand-alone. Now, let's assume the highest-possible level druid (level capped at 14 in this edition). Your maximum animation will be (2x14) 28 cubic feet. That means you must find a free-standing rock/boulder that is 28 cubic feet or less. Okay. You find a rock measuring (roughly) 4' x 4' x 4'. TOO BIG! That's right, your boulder must measure approximately 4' x 3' x 2'. If you happen to be around spherical boulders, your boulder is 3' 9" or less. Assuming you find one that is at your maximum capacity, and you don't settle for less or spend you time whittling rocks down for your spell.

That's right, your druid is recreating Stonehenge from Spinal Tap. And using his best spell slot for it.

Anyway, that was a taste of some. Please use the comments to add some more, or tell me how wrong I am and how you used Erase to take down a band of fire giants in the comments!

Polymorph other- turn your opponent into a goldfish and it becomes save or die. Death spell only worked on level 8 or less - by the time you faced it you were too high level for it to matter. The lich just wasted a level 6 slot taking it (edit to add that truly evil DMs would have the party fight a shadow dragon which halved levels or spectre which drains 2 levels per hit and THEN have the lich cast death spell with your only way back being a wish or reincarnation- possibly coming back as a badger). Identify- pretty much every campaign I knew house ruled that it just worked no dice rolls required. Level 1 wizard spells were deadly cast at high level. Your level 14 illusionist was firing 7 magic missiles with every casting of magic missile, and s/he got to do that 4 times!

 

[eudyptes]

This is related only insofar as it's illusionist-adjacent, but when I was playing AD&D in the 80s (so junior high into hs), our DM liked using illusionists as bad guys so much that it became routine whenever something bad appeared for someone in the party to say, "I attempt to disbelieve." It was so common that we started saying it in real life. ("Surprise calculus quiz!" <I turn and look at Dean> "I attempt to disbelieve.")