Bad players claiming to reform...

[BlueBlackRed]

This a sister-thread to http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=139369 .

In that thread I mention that we're very close to booting a player.

Well since then he has claimed to reform himself and become less of a distraction and more respectful to the group.

Well although I'd like to believe him, I don't see it happening for more than a month. You just can't change your core personailty.

So my question is, in your experiences, have those that promised to reform done so long term? Or was is just wasted breath?

 

[Xath]

In the one case I had experience with, it really worked.

Not only did he reform his personality to not be a chauvenistic prick, but he started showering regularly and took the motivation to lose over 70lbs.

He still has a ...unique... personality. But I don't find it highly insulting anymore, and his diversity in opinion adds alot to the gaming table. I look forward to gaming with the group nowadays.

 

[Crothian]

I've seen it work for a little while. Ih he does start to change, tell him you're noticing he's doing better. Give him support.

 

[freebfrost]

Well although I'd like to believe him, I don't see it happening for more than a month. You just can't change your core personailty.

So my question is, in your experiences, have those that promised to reform done so long term? Or was is just wasted breath?

That's not true. People can and do make radical changes to their lives, and it may very well be the case here.

I've known some people who actually follow through with their promises and others who didn't. It really has to be on a case-by-case basis, but I will say that being supportive is the best thing you can do as a friend.

 

[Turanil]

So my question is, in your experiences, have those that promised to reform done so long term? Or was is just wasted breath?

It's extremely difficult to change even when you are convinced to have to and willing to do it. It may take years of psychotherapy. So, unless you watch over the guy constantly, threatening to fire him as soon as he does again what he shouldn't, he will most probably revert to the old ways. Then, if you tolerate any of it, he will just jump on the opportunity (even if unconsciously) to do it again even more quicker.

 

[BlueBlackRed]

It's extremely difficult to change even when you are convinced to have to and willing to do it. It may take years of psychotherapy. So, unless you watch over the guy constantly, threatening to fire him as soon as he does again what he shouldn't. However, if you tolerate any of it again, he will just jump on the opportunity (even if unconsciously) to do it again.

He's ADHD and his meds don't do squat by the time he gets to the game.
In the past, if we ask him to stop telling pointless stories, he stops for a week.
Then he says "just this once", and we let him. At that point "just this once" becomes permanent. Give an inch = take a mile. And it goes beyond just stories.

So we're done with "just this once". He has been told in no uncertain terms that we are done dealing with him and his issues. We've worked around his problems for a year now.

It is to the point that it's better to not have him around than to have him around.

I'm just wanting to know if people like him can change, or if we're just wasting our time.

 

[Turanil]

I'm just wanting to know if people like him can change, or if we're just wasting our time.

Well, my opinion from just reading these few posts, is that he won't reform; he probably doesn't have the desire to do so, just the desire of not upseting you. So, it's probably a good guess that you are wasting time, if you did already ask several times and nothing changed.

Could we know more what this player does exactly that is so annoying? Spending the gaming session distracting everyone from the game in trying to attract attention in telling boring and unrelated stories when everyone else wish to game?

 

[Chimera]

So, unless you watch over the guy constantly, threatening to fire him as soon as he does again what he shouldn't, he will most probably revert to the old ways.

Or if you do this, he may become convinced that he can't win no matter what and walk away. Constant negative reinforcement is not the way to encourage change.

To make a Fool develop
It furthers one to apply discipline.
The fetters should be removed.
To go on in this way brings humiliation.

I Ching, Hexagram 4: Youthful Folly (Inexperience), six at the beginning.

Meaning that a certain amount of discipline is necessary to show that one is serious, but if it devolves into constant drill, it becomes humiliating.

Make sure that you compliment him on good behavior, note when he has a really good session. Cut off the pointless stories and don't allow the "just this once", but don't be nasty about it when you have to say something. Speak to him alone when you have something negative to say, unless you really need to say it in front of the group.

 

[BlueBlackRed]

Chimera, I think you misunderstand.

We are done being nice or assertive with him.

We are going to make it clear with him what is just fine, and what is not.
There will be no warnings, there will be no attaboys.

He is on his true last chance. The last words he will hear are, "I'm sorry, but we're done."

The things he's done I'd rather not explain too thoroughly. Just assume it is a lack of respect to the other players and sometimes their property. He doesn't usually realize what he does, which makes it that much more frustrating. After a year of trying, we're out of ideas and patience.

 

[Chimera]

If you have reached that point, then part company. There is nothing to be gained by this.