If you check the bottom of EN World's front page, you'll see that we have two new columnists! Erik Mona and Ari Marmell will each be writing a monthly column which which will feature right here in the news!
The first of these columns, from Ari Marmell, is entitled "GenConsternation: A Rant". Click here to comment on this article.
GenConsternation: A Rant
By Ari Marmell
[imager]http://www.enworld.org/newsimages/am.jpg[/imager]So, this being my first column for EN World, a quick welcome and introductions are in order.1 Many of you know me already, either as "Ari Marmell" or as "Mouseferatu." I've been playing D&D since 1983, I've been working as an RPG writer since 2001, I've got a Creative Writing degree from the University of Houston, and I've been haunting these forums since they belonged to Eric Noah. Now, some of you may be asking, "That's all well and good, but what in all that qualifies you to write a monthly column, a type of writing that you've never done before in your life?"
To those folks, I say: "Look! A shiny thing!"
When Morrus first asked me to write this column, I started giving some serious thought to all sorts of topics I might cover, from campaign settings to the impact of fiction on RPGs (and vice-versa) to rules kludges and tweaks. Oh yes, I actually had a veritable list of ideas from which I figured I'd draw my first column.
And then, at the last minute, I decided to attend GenCon again this year.
Ah, GenCon. The chance to experience wonders such as the agonizing pain that comes from being a complete idiot, and only bringing new shoes to wear; or the humiliation of spending the entire first day catching up with friends, professional acquaintances, and employers, only to go back to your room that evening and discover that, at some point since you left the hotel, you've sprouted a whitehead on your left cheek roughly the size of a Brussels sprout.
In any case, I considered putting this off for a month or two, even though it meant the topic wouldn't be as timely, since I thought that starting off a regular column with a relatively negative, rantish installment might not be the best way to make a good first impression. But I decided, what the heck.2
Let's get to it.
[h2]Six Years and Counting[/h2]
I think it's six, anyway. Maybe seven? It's possible my memory used to be better, but if so, I've forgotten when.
The point is, I first attended GenCon the year before it moved to Indianapolis3, and I haven't missed one since. So obviously, I'm a fan of the convention, and I don't want anyone to think that the opinions I'm about to express mean otherwise. I've had fun every year I've gone, I had a blast this year, and I'm hoping to go next year as well.
But it also means that, while I've not been to GenCon nearly as often as some of you, I have been a sufficient number of times4 to become aware of certain habits, patterns, and behaviors that really, really need to change.
No, I mean really.
Don't worry, I've no intention of getting into the old stereotypes of "Gamers need to bathe! Haw! Haw!" and "Nobody knows how to meet girls!" I'm not going to sink that low in my first column.5 These are other things that drive me batty just a little more each year. So with that understood, I present here:
[h2]Ari's Rules of GenCon[/h2]
Obviously, these rules are just my opinion, and I cannot force anyone to abide by them.
Yet. But just you wait…
[h3]Rule 1: Remember Traffic[/h3]
I don't mean outside on the street. I mean inside.
Do not stop in the middle of the freakin' walkways!
Believe me, I know. One of the whole points of GenCon is to go and marvel at the cool new toys, the minis, the books, the weaponry (both padded and genuine), the jewelry, the artwork, and even the booth babes.6 I'll be the last person to deny anyone the opportunity to loiter and gawk. Heck, those are two of my favorite pastimes, and not necessarily in that order. But for Pete's sake, move over to the booth! Or at least take a step or two in that direction! Don't stop in the exact center of the path. Yes, it's crowded and there's not much room to move, but there's some. Take advantage of it.
(This goes triple for stopping in the middle of intersections. If you don't know which way to go, step to the side and then peer around in wide-eyed bewilderment.)
I'm not exaggerating in the slightest—and those of you who have been there know this—when I say that one person stopping in the exact center can cause slowdowns that extend for half a dozen aisles. Seriously, people, I had blisters and severe foot pain throughout most of the convention (as per the aforementioned shoe debacle); lame as I was, I should not have been having to slow down for the rest of the traffic. And while occasionally those delays were caused by amblers, as often as not they were people trying to get around other people who'd stopped cold in order to stare at or take a picture of something.
And vendors? This goes for you as well. If you're standing outside your booth or table flagging down customers or passing out free samples or fliers, do it next to the booth! Don't step halfway out into the walkway; you may get more people to stop, but I can guarantee7 you, you're irritating more people than you're attracting.
[h3]Rule 2: One Question, One Answer[/h3]
I attended several seminars and forums in which the speakers opened the floor for questions8. And the overwhelming majority of said questioners were just fine. They were at least reasonably polite, and if they weren't crazy about the answer they got, they might ask for further info or clarification, but they didn't kinetically abuse deceased equines.
There were a couple, though, who just seemed unwilling to let it go. If you've asked for product/service/information X, and the speaker has explained that either
See, you're not just annoying the speakers when you do this. You're annoying the people around you in the audience, too. You're not "making a point," and you're not looking cool for "standing up" to "the man."9 You're just wasting everyone's time, and making the company folks that much more defensive about the next question, which is probably something harmless like, "In this economic climate, what do you think are the ramifications of publishing collector's editions of your books printed on gold foil with condor-skin covers?"
[h3]Rule 3: Costume or No Costume[/h3]
Okay, this one, even more than the others, is just a personal pet peeve. Unlike the others, you're not necessarily putting anyone else out if you break this rule. But I'm including it anyway, because it drives me up the wall, and because, hey, my column, not yours.
Look, I don't personally do GenCon in costume, but I have no objection to people who do. If you want to wander around dressed as Driz'zt, or a faerie, or Captain Reynolds, or Sailor Dwarf Planet, or a stormtrooper10, or even a Magic card11, more power to you. So long as you don't mind people staring and occasionally asking to take your picture12, have a ball.
But if you're going to wear a costume, wear a costume, not half a costume! And no, I don't mean that I'm being a stickler if you have the wrong shoes. I'm talking about the people who wander through the dealer's room dressed in a hooded cloak, a leather jerkin, blue jeans, and Converse All-Stars. The only time you should be wearing steampunk goggles and a scarf over your mouth when you're otherwise dressed like a broke college student is either
I realize that there are those who would say, "Ari, aren't you just doing to them what people outside the gaming community do to us, in terms of mocking them for stylistic choices you don't agree with?"
And the answer is, yes, I'm aware of a certain level of hypocrisy here, but—and this is the important part—I don't care. It's silly looking.14
[h3]Rule 4: Push the Lever! [/h3]
Every other rule in this column is negotiable. This one is not, and I would be delighted to see violators thrown out of GenCon. You ready? Here it is.
For the love of everything good and pure in this world, flush the damn toilet!
My God in Heaven. Were these people raised by Sleestaks? I should not have to risk splattering myself with someone else's post-consumer Red Bull or Mountain Dew—to say nothing of anything else—because they were too lazy to push a lever! I mean, it's not like they hide the damn things. It's right there! Shiny metal, a different color from the bowl and everything! (And even the automatics have push-buttons.)
And this goes double for missing. The bowl's not that small, damn it!
I wish I was joking when I say that one of the stalls I was forced to use had a streak of—oh, let's say, solid waste residue—on the wall! I can only assume that some unfortunate Con-goer was in the midst of cleaning himself when he was grabbed from below by one of the infamous Indianapolis Sewer Krakens15 and dragged through the pipes to a watery and foul-smelling grave, because frankly, that's the only excuse.
I'm going to start a fund, taking donations to pay for someone to invent and market a cheap electronic bathroom stall door that, once closed, will not open until its sensors say the toilet has been flushed and the seat is dry.
Anyone want to contribute16?
Okay, I think I'm done. That is, I'm sure I can come up with plenty more, but I think those are the ones I needed to get out of my system. I apologize again for starting off with a rant like this. Come back next month when I promise you a column far less ranty, far less irritable, and in which, rather than offending a portion of my readers by commenting on their con-going habits, I will instead endeavor my best to offend them entirely over their opinions on RPGs.
Footnotes:
Ari Marmell is a novelist and freelance RPG writer who would be even more productive if he could stop writing multi-hundred-word replies to threads on EN World. A gamer since 1983 (the Red Box, of course), he studied creative writing at the University of Houston and began writing professionally in early 2001. He’s written RPG materials for numerous companies, including Paizo, Green Ronin, Necromancer, EN Publishing, White Wolf, and Wizards of the Coast. His fiction credits include, among others, Agents of Artifice for the Magic: The Gathering line, and The Conqueror’s Shadow (forthcoming from Bantam Spectra).
Ari currently lives in Austin, Texas, with his wife George, two cats, and a litter of neuroses.
The first of these columns, from Ari Marmell, is entitled "GenConsternation: A Rant". Click here to comment on this article.
GenConsternation: A Rant
By Ari Marmell
[imager]http://www.enworld.org/newsimages/am.jpg[/imager]So, this being my first column for EN World, a quick welcome and introductions are in order.1 Many of you know me already, either as "Ari Marmell" or as "Mouseferatu." I've been playing D&D since 1983, I've been working as an RPG writer since 2001, I've got a Creative Writing degree from the University of Houston, and I've been haunting these forums since they belonged to Eric Noah. Now, some of you may be asking, "That's all well and good, but what in all that qualifies you to write a monthly column, a type of writing that you've never done before in your life?"
To those folks, I say: "Look! A shiny thing!"
When Morrus first asked me to write this column, I started giving some serious thought to all sorts of topics I might cover, from campaign settings to the impact of fiction on RPGs (and vice-versa) to rules kludges and tweaks. Oh yes, I actually had a veritable list of ideas from which I figured I'd draw my first column.
And then, at the last minute, I decided to attend GenCon again this year.
Ah, GenCon. The chance to experience wonders such as the agonizing pain that comes from being a complete idiot, and only bringing new shoes to wear; or the humiliation of spending the entire first day catching up with friends, professional acquaintances, and employers, only to go back to your room that evening and discover that, at some point since you left the hotel, you've sprouted a whitehead on your left cheek roughly the size of a Brussels sprout.
In any case, I considered putting this off for a month or two, even though it meant the topic wouldn't be as timely, since I thought that starting off a regular column with a relatively negative, rantish installment might not be the best way to make a good first impression. But I decided, what the heck.2
Let's get to it.
[h2]Six Years and Counting[/h2]
I think it's six, anyway. Maybe seven? It's possible my memory used to be better, but if so, I've forgotten when.
The point is, I first attended GenCon the year before it moved to Indianapolis3, and I haven't missed one since. So obviously, I'm a fan of the convention, and I don't want anyone to think that the opinions I'm about to express mean otherwise. I've had fun every year I've gone, I had a blast this year, and I'm hoping to go next year as well.
But it also means that, while I've not been to GenCon nearly as often as some of you, I have been a sufficient number of times4 to become aware of certain habits, patterns, and behaviors that really, really need to change.
No, I mean really.
Don't worry, I've no intention of getting into the old stereotypes of "Gamers need to bathe! Haw! Haw!" and "Nobody knows how to meet girls!" I'm not going to sink that low in my first column.5 These are other things that drive me batty just a little more each year. So with that understood, I present here:
[h2]Ari's Rules of GenCon[/h2]
Obviously, these rules are just my opinion, and I cannot force anyone to abide by them.
Yet. But just you wait…
[h3]Rule 1: Remember Traffic[/h3]
I don't mean outside on the street. I mean inside.
Do not stop in the middle of the freakin' walkways!
Believe me, I know. One of the whole points of GenCon is to go and marvel at the cool new toys, the minis, the books, the weaponry (both padded and genuine), the jewelry, the artwork, and even the booth babes.6 I'll be the last person to deny anyone the opportunity to loiter and gawk. Heck, those are two of my favorite pastimes, and not necessarily in that order. But for Pete's sake, move over to the booth! Or at least take a step or two in that direction! Don't stop in the exact center of the path. Yes, it's crowded and there's not much room to move, but there's some. Take advantage of it.
(This goes triple for stopping in the middle of intersections. If you don't know which way to go, step to the side and then peer around in wide-eyed bewilderment.)
I'm not exaggerating in the slightest—and those of you who have been there know this—when I say that one person stopping in the exact center can cause slowdowns that extend for half a dozen aisles. Seriously, people, I had blisters and severe foot pain throughout most of the convention (as per the aforementioned shoe debacle); lame as I was, I should not have been having to slow down for the rest of the traffic. And while occasionally those delays were caused by amblers, as often as not they were people trying to get around other people who'd stopped cold in order to stare at or take a picture of something.
And vendors? This goes for you as well. If you're standing outside your booth or table flagging down customers or passing out free samples or fliers, do it next to the booth! Don't step halfway out into the walkway; you may get more people to stop, but I can guarantee7 you, you're irritating more people than you're attracting.
[h3]Rule 2: One Question, One Answer[/h3]
I attended several seminars and forums in which the speakers opened the floor for questions8. And the overwhelming majority of said questioners were just fine. They were at least reasonably polite, and if they weren't crazy about the answer they got, they might ask for further info or clarification, but they didn't kinetically abuse deceased equines.
There were a couple, though, who just seemed unwilling to let it go. If you've asked for product/service/information X, and the speaker has explained that either
A) X is currently in the works, but they don't know when it'll be available, or
B) X is something they'd like to do, but they don't know if it'll ever happen because of reason Y, or
C) They're not going to be doing X for reason Y or Z,
Then please, please don't keep going on about how much you want X, or how much you'd appreciate X, or how much you feel you're owed X, or arguing about why they should be doing X right now.B) X is something they'd like to do, but they don't know if it'll ever happen because of reason Y, or
C) They're not going to be doing X for reason Y or Z,
See, you're not just annoying the speakers when you do this. You're annoying the people around you in the audience, too. You're not "making a point," and you're not looking cool for "standing up" to "the man."9 You're just wasting everyone's time, and making the company folks that much more defensive about the next question, which is probably something harmless like, "In this economic climate, what do you think are the ramifications of publishing collector's editions of your books printed on gold foil with condor-skin covers?"
[h3]Rule 3: Costume or No Costume[/h3]
Okay, this one, even more than the others, is just a personal pet peeve. Unlike the others, you're not necessarily putting anyone else out if you break this rule. But I'm including it anyway, because it drives me up the wall, and because, hey, my column, not yours.
Look, I don't personally do GenCon in costume, but I have no objection to people who do. If you want to wander around dressed as Driz'zt, or a faerie, or Captain Reynolds, or Sailor Dwarf Planet, or a stormtrooper10, or even a Magic card11, more power to you. So long as you don't mind people staring and occasionally asking to take your picture12, have a ball.
But if you're going to wear a costume, wear a costume, not half a costume! And no, I don't mean that I'm being a stickler if you have the wrong shoes. I'm talking about the people who wander through the dealer's room dressed in a hooded cloak, a leather jerkin, blue jeans, and Converse All-Stars. The only time you should be wearing steampunk goggles and a scarf over your mouth when you're otherwise dressed like a broke college student is either
A) When you're trying them on to buy, or
B) You're planning to rob a convenience store.13
The whole "half costume" thing? You look goofy. I mean, even coming from a gamer who's attending GenCon, and while standing next to a grown man dressed as Naruto, you look goofy. I can only assume that either you're utterly oblivious, or really just that lazy.B) You're planning to rob a convenience store.13
I realize that there are those who would say, "Ari, aren't you just doing to them what people outside the gaming community do to us, in terms of mocking them for stylistic choices you don't agree with?"
And the answer is, yes, I'm aware of a certain level of hypocrisy here, but—and this is the important part—I don't care. It's silly looking.14
[h3]Rule 4: Push the Lever! [/h3]
Every other rule in this column is negotiable. This one is not, and I would be delighted to see violators thrown out of GenCon. You ready? Here it is.
For the love of everything good and pure in this world, flush the damn toilet!
My God in Heaven. Were these people raised by Sleestaks? I should not have to risk splattering myself with someone else's post-consumer Red Bull or Mountain Dew—to say nothing of anything else—because they were too lazy to push a lever! I mean, it's not like they hide the damn things. It's right there! Shiny metal, a different color from the bowl and everything! (And even the automatics have push-buttons.)
And this goes double for missing. The bowl's not that small, damn it!
I wish I was joking when I say that one of the stalls I was forced to use had a streak of—oh, let's say, solid waste residue—on the wall! I can only assume that some unfortunate Con-goer was in the midst of cleaning himself when he was grabbed from below by one of the infamous Indianapolis Sewer Krakens15 and dragged through the pipes to a watery and foul-smelling grave, because frankly, that's the only excuse.
I'm going to start a fund, taking donations to pay for someone to invent and market a cheap electronic bathroom stall door that, once closed, will not open until its sensors say the toilet has been flushed and the seat is dry.
Anyone want to contribute16?
Okay, I think I'm done. That is, I'm sure I can come up with plenty more, but I think those are the ones I needed to get out of my system. I apologize again for starting off with a rant like this. Come back next month when I promise you a column far less ranty, far less irritable, and in which, rather than offending a portion of my readers by commenting on their con-going habits, I will instead endeavor my best to offend them entirely over their opinions on RPGs.
Footnotes:
1 Or maybe they should have gone at the end, in which case they're out of order.
2 So what, you may ask, changed my mind? To you, I would answer: "Look! A shiny thing!"
3 A move which, as you all know, was intended as Phase One of a malevolent scheme in which the fandoms of RPGs and Nascar would be slowly merged into a single Over-Fandom whose levels of obsession would allow a slow takeover of the entire free market and capitalist system.
4 For values of "sufficient" equal to or greater than "one."
5 Mostly because you've all heard them already.
6 Or is that "People of Boothful Employment" at this stage?
7 Not an actual guarantee.
8 As opposed to opening it beneath questioners, which must have been a temptation on occasion.
9 I am "aware" that this "sentence" has too many "quotation" "marks."
10 Although you are a little short for one…
11 Yes, I actually saw this. Not the monster or character from the card, the actual card.
12 Possibly as evidence for the restraining order.
13 Ari does not condone the practice of robbing convenience stores.
14 Again—my rant, not yours.
15 A species that, for all its many faults, still teaches its young to flush public toilets.
16 Arrangements pending. Don't send money yet—unless you really want to, and, uh, don't care about any actual results.
Click here to comment on this article.2 So what, you may ask, changed my mind? To you, I would answer: "Look! A shiny thing!"
3 A move which, as you all know, was intended as Phase One of a malevolent scheme in which the fandoms of RPGs and Nascar would be slowly merged into a single Over-Fandom whose levels of obsession would allow a slow takeover of the entire free market and capitalist system.
4 For values of "sufficient" equal to or greater than "one."
5 Mostly because you've all heard them already.
6 Or is that "People of Boothful Employment" at this stage?
7 Not an actual guarantee.
8 As opposed to opening it beneath questioners, which must have been a temptation on occasion.
9 I am "aware" that this "sentence" has too many "quotation" "marks."
10 Although you are a little short for one…
11 Yes, I actually saw this. Not the monster or character from the card, the actual card.
12 Possibly as evidence for the restraining order.
13 Ari does not condone the practice of robbing convenience stores.
14 Again—my rant, not yours.
15 A species that, for all its many faults, still teaches its young to flush public toilets.
16 Arrangements pending. Don't send money yet—unless you really want to, and, uh, don't care about any actual results.
Ari Marmell is a novelist and freelance RPG writer who would be even more productive if he could stop writing multi-hundred-word replies to threads on EN World. A gamer since 1983 (the Red Box, of course), he studied creative writing at the University of Houston and began writing professionally in early 2001. He’s written RPG materials for numerous companies, including Paizo, Green Ronin, Necromancer, EN Publishing, White Wolf, and Wizards of the Coast. His fiction credits include, among others, Agents of Artifice for the Magic: The Gathering line, and The Conqueror’s Shadow (forthcoming from Bantam Spectra).
Ari currently lives in Austin, Texas, with his wife George, two cats, and a litter of neuroses.
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