[LOTR] [Humor] - The Secret Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn

[Valanthe the Sleepless]

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.


Day 4:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day 6:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day 10:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.

Day 11:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

 

[Leopold]

saw it the other day..still funny as all hell..

 

[UD]

Must stop laughing.... need to breathe.....

 

[graydoom]

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

[...]

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

LOL! Thanks for sharing this with us, I really laughed at this !

 

[Grim]

HAHAHAHAHA.... what UD said. GO check out the DND cereal thread on the old boards, and also the "condensed version" of LoTR. Also on old boards

 

[UD]

As the old boards are down, here is the Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings condensed into a 4 minute
read!

WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!

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THE HOBBIT
Bilbo Baggins
Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.
Balin
We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.
Dwalin
I'm the happy one.
Fili
I'm the young one.
Kili
I'm the other young one.
Dori
I'm the funny one.
Nori
I'm the joyous one.
Ori
I'm the cute one.
Oin
I'm the jolly one.
Gloin
I'm the silly one.
Bifur
I'm the one with the funniest name.
Bofur
I'm the one with the looniest name.
Bombur
I'm the fat one.
Thorin
I'm the one with a distinct personality.
Gandalf
Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.
(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because
they almost get EATEN.)

Bilbo Baggins
What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum
I don't know.
(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN.)

Smaug
I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.
(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the
dragon, and it makes a MESS.)

Bilbo Baggins
I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.

THE END


THE LORD OF THE RINGS
BOOK 1: The Fellowship of the Ring

Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to
destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

Bilbo Baggins
It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!!
MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are
attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)

Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be
destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the
Ring to where he lives.

(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES
in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form
having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie
where the guy comes back as a DOG.)

Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
Frodo
No.
Boromir
What have I done? (dies)

THE END


BOOK 2: The Two Towers

(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT
stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)

THE END


BOOK 3: The Return of the King

Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You'll die.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)

Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)

Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save
EVERYBODY.)

THE END

 

[Grim]

AHAHAAHAH I love it... must stop laughing... coughing up lung... BLEACHURGONM.. Eeeewwwwwwww...

 

[Wolf72]

very funny stuff,

"is legolas hotter than me?"

lol!

 

[UD]

AHAHAAHAH I love it... must stop laughing... coughing up lung... BLEACHURGONM.. Eeeewwwwwwww...

I hope your going to clean that up...

 

[Forrester]

Can someone post the short-version of LOTR that was hanging around the old boards? I'd like to show it to a friend, but the old boards have been down for awhile.