My wife won't let me play D&D.

[Joshua Randall]

Greetings. I'm facing a situation that I don't know how to handle. Maybe y'all can help me.

I have a beautiful wife whom I love very much. We've been married a short time and have had some disagreements, but they've all been worked out. Except one. She hates it when I play D&D!

Here are some relevant facts:

• We are both 30 years old.
• I always think she will be more open minded about D&D, because she has some gamer blood in her. She likes playing board games (e.g., Settlers of Catan, Tigris & Eufrates) and card games (e.g., pinochle, Oh Hell).
• However, she associates D&D with abject geekiness.
• The friends I would be playing with are all in their 30s with jobs, wives, and (for some) families. In other words these are not the stereotypical uber-dorks who work at the comic store and still live in their parents' basement.

My wife's specific objection is that playing D&D takes too much time, time that I could be spending with her or "doing something useful." She gets practically enraged about the fact that the other guys want to play on the weekend. (I might be able to talk her into letting me play on a weekday, but that's irrelevant because the other guys can't do it then.)

What should I do?

Please do not say "get a divorce" or "grow some you-know-whats". Those are not helpful replies. And I'm not going to appreciate anything along the lines of "your wife's a witch", either. (She may be, but she's my witch, dammit! )

Here are some things I've thought of doing:

• Playing up the friendships at stake. In other words, these are my friends and I want to spend time with them. Playing D&D is how we pass our time together - it's a very social game.
• Inviting her to observe a session. Haven't done this because (1) we are a bit rambunctious when we play (swear a lot, for example) and therefor (2) I am afraid of what her reaction would be to observing us.
• Patiently explaining what D&D is like by comparing it to things she appreciates. For example, emphasizing the problem-solving aspects of D&D which compare to similar features in board games that she likes.

Frankly I don't think any of the above is going to help.

Have any of you faced a similar problem with your wife or husband? What did you do?

 

[Tiefling]

Your wife has a stereotype in mind. The best way to destroy a stereotype is to confront the person or thing that it describes. Have her meet some of your friends and sit in on a game.

 

[Arcane Runes Press]

Talk to her. Say something along the lines of "honey, you knew I gamed before you married me. It is an integral part of my life. Asking me to give this up is like asking me to give up an old friend." Harsh but true. I also recommend getting her interested in the game itself. Tell her about what happened and what cool things your character did. She may want to play too someday. This is a chick talking here. Honesty goes a long way for me.

JenniferY(whose first gaming session introduced her to her husband)

 

[Crothian]

This sounds like a time issue. Ways to help this out might be like spending more time with your wife during the week. Are there other things that keep you to apart besides work? If there are many things keeping you apart she just might be putting her foot down on this one activity.

Also, you mentioned doing things useful. I've explained it to girlfriends who didn't understand that is my guys day out. Some guys get together with their frioends to drink, go to bars or strip jionts, watch sports, or other activities. I get together with my friends and game. So, compared to other activities I could be doing gaming is one of the better ones.

Now, to the Geek part. I'm not sure how this can be handled. So, if I put my foot in my mouth here, I apologize. Does she think you are a geek? Does she not like your friends? Perhaps she is insecure about the relationship and things gaming will change you into someine else. That is just a wild stab in the dark by the way.

The best advice is always to sit down ant talk with her. Communication has always been the best solution in my experience. Perhaps, while you game you can suggest activities for her to do. THat way you aren't out having fun while she's stuck at home. Good luck with this.

 

[SemperJase]

First the good news is that your wife values your time together.

One solution is to invite her into the game. It worked for me. I have even more fun now that my wife is involved.

If she does not want to play, schedule the game when she is doing some other activity.

 

[thundershot]

Damn. My wife (then girlfriend) used to sit and watch and listen to us game back in the day... Then when we got married, and got a place of our own, she wanted to play too. That was great! I'm just lucky, I guess... She knew what she was getting into when she married me (just like the thousands of comic books I have).

If she won't try to play, then perhaps you need to just explain that you need "Me" time. One day, maybe 5 hours on a Saturday to do your thing. She's invited of course, but if she doesn't want to, have her turn that into "Her" time. Now if you're taking up an entire weekend, then I can understand her concern, but if it's just a few hours to game, I don't see what the big deal is.


Chris

 

[KnowTheToe]

There is no easy solution for this. I love games, particularly war games and RPGs. My wife likes cards (BTW, Oh Hell is my favorite) and board games, but won't play D&D or war games. The problem is, both RPGs and war games take up a lot of time. Unfortunately, I believe these games are more fun when you can play regularly and the only solution that will work out for you is playing less often.

I have been married 6 years and have had periods where friends and games have gotten in the way of my relationship with my wife. I had to scale back.

We like so many couples both work 40 hour work weeks and only see each other at night, when we are often tired. While we cherish that time together, it is not always quality time. The weekends is when we get real quality time together and if I scheduled a weekly game night on Friday or Saturday, boy, there would be trouble. The same goes for her, if she scheduled a weekly outing with friends on a weekend, I would be pissed to say the least.

If you can only meet with your friends on the weekends, you should really not play more than 1 or 2 times a month. I play Sunday nights, which works great for us, most people don't have much scheduled that night.

 

[Knightcrawler]

Sit her down and talk to her. Emphasize the friends thing. Hell its just like a bunch of guys getting together to watch a game. Of course the question needs to be asked: how long is your gaming session. If it takes up a majority of the day might want to think of cutting it down a little.

She must have things that she likes to do without you. She should find something that she can do while you game.

Sigh. This is one of the reasons I'm not in a hurried to get married. I spend far to much of my time on gaming stuff.

 

[ForceUser]

Yikes. I feel for you.

Before a friend of mine got engaged, he made it very clear to his future wife that gaming was a big part of his life and that she would have to accept it as part of being with him. If I ever find that special someone, I intend to do the same.

After the fact, it's a lot tougher.

Ok. She hates it when you game. Ask her this: would you mind if I spent a Sunday afternoon once a month watching football with my friends? If she says no, then your followup question would be "What if, instead of football, I chose to spend that time with them gaming? Sweetie (<---- Important!), how is that any different?"

The thing about spouses is that they don't always seem reasonable in their demands on you. I know; I was married once. Often, there is an underlying issue that presents itself as something else. In your case, from my armchair quarterback position, I would say her real issue is that she feels you don't spend enough time with her; thus, your gaming makes her angry. Ask yourself - are you spending enough quality time with your wife? Dinner and TV on a weeknight don't count, either. You need to show effort that you are engaging in events specifically designed to spend quality time with her - Friday nights dancing at the club, theatre outings (plays, not movies!), picnics, whatever. You'd know better than us.

To be honest, every spouse handles these issues differently. You know your wife, we don't. Whatever compromise you find is going to be based on that knowledge. All we are doing here is guessing on your behalf. Good luck, buddy.

 

[Arravis]

Personally... I'd invite her to a game. There are previous posts on this very issue, if anyone has a link to them, posting them would be great.

DM a game just for her "intro", keep the rules VERY light and as invisible as possible. Ask what she basicly wants to play (avoid spellcasters at this early stage) and create a datasheet for her. If during the game she forgets to account for AC, Saves, etc, properly, don't worry about it... keep it simple. Don't throw out alot of esoteric rules and issues that deals with mechanics, emphasize character and plot.

In the end, she might not like it, but she'll better understand it. It's a sort of guy's "poker night" if nothing else.

Anyway... most important of all is to make sure that you are spending alot of time with your wife outside of gaming. Do things together with her, get involved in her hobies. Be at least as enthused about being with her as you are about gaming. As my brother likes to say say; you have to "punch your ticket" on this situation. You have to accumulate X number of Significant Other points before you can go play .

I've seen this situation before and that tends to be the issue at hand... is that the SO feels that she's not getting enough attention/affection, etc... Not always though, as with anything, there are exceptions. I hope I don't come across as being critical, I don't know your exact situaton, my opinion is based on situations I've seen myself.