Vraille Darkfang
First Post
Epic Weapon: Andreas, just detailed for my home campaign
History:
The history behind Andreas, Rapier of the Fool holds a valuable lesson for any adventurer. Well, those adventures with a tendency to insult all they meet. Andreas was born like most gnomes were born, but that tale can not be told here, as there are laws regarding obscene narratives in many lands. Andreas may have lived in the house built by his father, a merchant of influence, but he was raised in the seedy taverns his father frequented. It is said his first words were the refrain from a particularly off-color tune extolling the nimbleness of Halfling maids. As he grew he began to make up his own bawdy tunes and became a favorite in taverns that catered to a certain clientele, namely those whose clientele think clientele is an elf’s name. By the time he reached adulthood, his entire existence revolved around the seediest taverns in the city. His talent was unquestioned, though his morals often were.
Spending ninety percent of his time in the seediest, roughest taverns he could find and the other ten percent searching for even seedier, rougher taverns, Andreas made his living singing his bawdy tales, and telling even bawdier stories. His life settled into a predictable, if unstable, routine. He would find a new tavern, waltz up to the stage and begin telling some of his best tales, soon he would have the entire place rolling in laughter and cheering for him to continue. This would last for several weeks, but as Andreas’ knowledge of the owners and regular patrons of the tavern grew, so did his tales take on a more personal tone. Eventually, one of his tales would overstep his bounds and he would be forced to flee from the tavern’s owner or some regular patron who felt insulted beyond measure. Then Andreas would seek out a new tavern, and the cycle would begin again.
Then, one fine summer evening, Andreas’ luck finally ran out. He had adopted an adventurer’s tavern, The Upturned Goblin, as his home, and had stayed there a record two months without being forced to flee in fear of his life. That night, Andreas felt in fine form, his tales had caused no less than a dozen people to make comments about various objects and where the could best be accommodated within his anatomy, and several others threatening to not only kill him, but apparently display his corpse in their bathroom. Andreas was relishing the hostile mood within the tavern that night, and thought it might evolve into a nice brawl before the sun had even set. Thus Andreas was quite irked when a single individual entered into the tavern, and all sound ceased. Andreas was even further angered when neither an ogre berserker, hell-conjured demon, or fire-breathing dragon entered, but merely an elf, and old, withered, stooped, elf at that. If Andreas was smarter, or wiser, he might of reflected on the ancient elf’s ability to silence a tavern full of drunken murderers, thieves, thugs and other miscreants, but intelligence was never something Andreas had been accused of possessing. Angered at this elf ruining his night of decadence, Andreas sought to take his revenge on the elder elf. He began by telling all the worst, most demeaning, insulting tales he knew of elves. He began to single the elf out personally as a target for his spite. Again, if he were smarter he might have wondered why no one else joined in his taunting of the near-invalid elf. He might have also noted the way many of the tavern’s patrons were beginning to leave, in that rushed manner where one tries not to appear to be rushing, as when one arrives at a party to find the sole patrons dire wolverines and animated razors. You aren’t sure what’s going to happen, but you want to leave before the fur starts to fly.
Thus, after several hours of verbal abuse, probably the entire contents of a full keg of Balding Kobold Grog, Andreas finally ran out of insults to throw at the ancient elf, by now the only other living creature in the tavern. Accordingly, having no more words to say, Andreas promptly passed out. Thus Andreas the insulting, would-be master bard became the first being to anger K’rilll’Thunith, Elven High Archmagus and continue to exist, if not live.
When Andreas was finally able to perceive his environment again, his first thought was one of surprise. Usually after drinking that much his head felt like hill giants practicing on drums. At first, he quite liked the lack of searing pain, but then he tried to move, and couldn’t. He tried to open his eyes, and couldn’t. Yet, despite his closed eyes he was aware of much of his surroundings, more in fact than he usually was. As he pondered his new sensory prowess, he realized he was in a small metal box. A VERY small metal box, much too small for his somewhat stout frame to fit into, and more importantly, he was locked in, unable to move. In fact, he couldn’t feel his legs, arms, fingers, or other areas he was particularly fond of feeling sensation in.
Thus was Andreas, the Rainbow Blade presented to R’ill’thian, only granddaughter of High Magus K’rilll’Thunith upon her marriage to Magus M’rillk of the rival house of Thion. Doubtless, K’rilll’Thunith did not approve of the match. And doubtless K’rilll’Thunith never realized the nuisance he unleashed upon the world.
Appearance:
Andreas appears as a normal, medium rapier, albeit one composed of a strange material. Those of an artistic bent would say a rainbow was ripped from the sky, folded and refolded, until it formed into the shape of a weapon. Sages would say it was a special form of Prismatic Wall, bent into the shape of a rapier. Regardless, Andreas always appears as a weapon of constantly shifting colors, with various spectrums of light moving up and down its length. While this leads to Andreas always giving off light as a torch, the colors have no other effect on those they touch.
Personality:
Andreas’ personality can most politely be described as anti-social, though many other adjectives, none complimentarily, have been used over the centuries. Andreas likes to insult, needs to insult, and over the centuries has become very good at it. It has become the very essence of his being, as more mundane pleasures, such as drinking, are now beyond him. He is very pathological about it, and will take any opportunity to show his superiority in the art of comedic insult. He will insult goblins, dwarves, kings, paupers, ogres, giants, dragons, greater demon lords, all are ripe targets for his art. Thus, it should come as no surprise few adventurers want him a round for long.
When first found Andreas will act grateful, thanking those that have found him for rescuing him from whatever prison he was placed in (usually placed there by his previous rescuers). He will also proudly boast of his incredible powers as a weapon and relate many of the fabulous battles where he helped to carry the day (whether he actually started the whole fracas or not will be a detail he’ll leave out). If the party takes to him, he will attempt to align himself with whoever seems the easiest to dominate, though he lack the skill to accurately determine who he’ll be best at controlling should the party suddenly try to be rid of him. He’ll even try to avoid insulting members of the party, at least for a few days. All other living creatures are fair game however. A few of his less insulting quotes are listed below.
“So, any bets as to how many half-orcs will be runnin’ around a year from now?” In a village just pillaged by an orc horde.
“Tell me again why these dwarves take orders from a goblin again?” To High Thane Ferthim of the High Dwarven Thanedom.
“Which is it? Are you as dumb as you look, or as ugly as you are stupid?” To the Ancient Blue Wyrm Malthusahluh.
“Wow! You are the tallest, fattest, ugliest, kobold I’ve ever seen!” To the Rolugh the Large, High Bugbear Priest of the church of Torturous Doom.
As can be expected, many adventurers quickly find Andreas’ usefulness as a powerful weapon outweighed by his ability to cause living creatures to go into an insane killing frenzy directed at the wielder of himself. Thus Andreas has had few actual wielder who used him for more than a couple of months. This duration is also caused by his inability to be re-sold as he insults all would be buyers non-stop until they leave. Thus, Andreas is probably the sole reason a group of adventurers will invade the Tomb of Inescapable Imprisonment, just to ADD another magical item to the Beholder Agax’s Hoard (note, if Agax ever finds out who did this, THEY WILL PAY).
Campaign Uses:
Andreas is an Epic Weapon (+11 total weapon modifier) and Chaotically aligned. Thus he can overcome many creatures damage reduction. Thus many parties will try to endure his bawdy tales, obscene jokes, and lewd comments to retain his power on the battlefield. Sadly this is a losing proposition. At best, Andreas should serve as a party’s first taste of Epic Power, at worst, as a way to make every sentient creature in hearing roll for iniative.
Ideally Andreas should be introduced to a party of around 15th level. High enough to begin thinking about Epic deeds and Feats, but still just a vision into the distant future. Andreas can serve as their first glimpse at a Epic Weapon and what an Epic Weapon can do. Just remember their intial reaction of “What? +11, total, cool!” Will be replaced by “Why can’t you just shut the (power word censor) up!!” They should consider themselves cursed, and be willing to go to great lengths to be rid of this sword.
In the end, this should serve as a reminder not all cursed weapons have a true curse upon them.
Adventure Idea: Maybe a great beast is rampaging across the land that can only be defeated by an Epic Weapon. Unfortunately, the king only knows of one. Thus he is willing to pay a considerably award to whomever takes up the Rainbow Blade and ends the Tyranny of the Great, Evil _________. Plus, you get to keep the neat magic weapon. Sorry no refunds or exchanges, all rewards are final.
Powers
Andreas: Epic* Rainbow Rapier +3 Advanced Dancing* (ELH), Intelligent (CN, Int 6, Wis, 6, Cha 22); Spell-Like Abilities (DC 17+ Spell Level): Summon Instrument (0) 5/day; Hideous Laughter (1st) 5/day; Rage (2nd) 5/day; Displacement (3rd) 3/day; Rainbow Pattern (4th), C.L.W.-Mass (5th), or Eyebite (6th) 1/week. Skills: Bluff +18; Know (fashion) +10, Perform (comedy) +18, Perform (sing) +18 Speak Language (common, gnome). Feats: Spell Focus, Spell Penetration*, Weapon Focus (rapier)*. Special: Bardic Music* 9/day; Bardic Lore:+7; Power of Speech, Hearing & 120’ vision, Emits light in 20’ radius. Market Price: ?
*For purposes of overcoming Damage Reduction, Andreas is treated as both Epic and Chaotically Aligned.
*This is as per the Dancing special weapon ability in the DMG, but there is no limit on how long the blade can act on its own. Also do to Andreas’ special abilities, while dancing, he may forgo his attacks in a round to instead cast a spell, or use one of his special abilities. The “wielder” may still take a Full Round’s worth of actions.
* Andreas’ Spell Focus Feat applies to all of his spells and has been factored into his save DC above. Further these two feats only apply to the sword’s abilities, and does not gratn the wielder use of this feat with the wielder’s own abilities.
*Andreas’ grants the Weapon Focus Feat (rapier) to the one wielding him, but also when he attacks be himself, gaining a +1 to hit.
* Andreas is treated as a 9th level bard and may use the Countersong, Fascinate, Inspire Courage +2, Inspire Competence, and Suggestion Bardic Music abilities.
How ya like it?
Vraille Darkfang
History:
The history behind Andreas, Rapier of the Fool holds a valuable lesson for any adventurer. Well, those adventures with a tendency to insult all they meet. Andreas was born like most gnomes were born, but that tale can not be told here, as there are laws regarding obscene narratives in many lands. Andreas may have lived in the house built by his father, a merchant of influence, but he was raised in the seedy taverns his father frequented. It is said his first words were the refrain from a particularly off-color tune extolling the nimbleness of Halfling maids. As he grew he began to make up his own bawdy tunes and became a favorite in taverns that catered to a certain clientele, namely those whose clientele think clientele is an elf’s name. By the time he reached adulthood, his entire existence revolved around the seediest taverns in the city. His talent was unquestioned, though his morals often were.
Spending ninety percent of his time in the seediest, roughest taverns he could find and the other ten percent searching for even seedier, rougher taverns, Andreas made his living singing his bawdy tales, and telling even bawdier stories. His life settled into a predictable, if unstable, routine. He would find a new tavern, waltz up to the stage and begin telling some of his best tales, soon he would have the entire place rolling in laughter and cheering for him to continue. This would last for several weeks, but as Andreas’ knowledge of the owners and regular patrons of the tavern grew, so did his tales take on a more personal tone. Eventually, one of his tales would overstep his bounds and he would be forced to flee from the tavern’s owner or some regular patron who felt insulted beyond measure. Then Andreas would seek out a new tavern, and the cycle would begin again.
Then, one fine summer evening, Andreas’ luck finally ran out. He had adopted an adventurer’s tavern, The Upturned Goblin, as his home, and had stayed there a record two months without being forced to flee in fear of his life. That night, Andreas felt in fine form, his tales had caused no less than a dozen people to make comments about various objects and where the could best be accommodated within his anatomy, and several others threatening to not only kill him, but apparently display his corpse in their bathroom. Andreas was relishing the hostile mood within the tavern that night, and thought it might evolve into a nice brawl before the sun had even set. Thus Andreas was quite irked when a single individual entered into the tavern, and all sound ceased. Andreas was even further angered when neither an ogre berserker, hell-conjured demon, or fire-breathing dragon entered, but merely an elf, and old, withered, stooped, elf at that. If Andreas was smarter, or wiser, he might of reflected on the ancient elf’s ability to silence a tavern full of drunken murderers, thieves, thugs and other miscreants, but intelligence was never something Andreas had been accused of possessing. Angered at this elf ruining his night of decadence, Andreas sought to take his revenge on the elder elf. He began by telling all the worst, most demeaning, insulting tales he knew of elves. He began to single the elf out personally as a target for his spite. Again, if he were smarter he might have wondered why no one else joined in his taunting of the near-invalid elf. He might have also noted the way many of the tavern’s patrons were beginning to leave, in that rushed manner where one tries not to appear to be rushing, as when one arrives at a party to find the sole patrons dire wolverines and animated razors. You aren’t sure what’s going to happen, but you want to leave before the fur starts to fly.
Thus, after several hours of verbal abuse, probably the entire contents of a full keg of Balding Kobold Grog, Andreas finally ran out of insults to throw at the ancient elf, by now the only other living creature in the tavern. Accordingly, having no more words to say, Andreas promptly passed out. Thus Andreas the insulting, would-be master bard became the first being to anger K’rilll’Thunith, Elven High Archmagus and continue to exist, if not live.
When Andreas was finally able to perceive his environment again, his first thought was one of surprise. Usually after drinking that much his head felt like hill giants practicing on drums. At first, he quite liked the lack of searing pain, but then he tried to move, and couldn’t. He tried to open his eyes, and couldn’t. Yet, despite his closed eyes he was aware of much of his surroundings, more in fact than he usually was. As he pondered his new sensory prowess, he realized he was in a small metal box. A VERY small metal box, much too small for his somewhat stout frame to fit into, and more importantly, he was locked in, unable to move. In fact, he couldn’t feel his legs, arms, fingers, or other areas he was particularly fond of feeling sensation in.
Thus was Andreas, the Rainbow Blade presented to R’ill’thian, only granddaughter of High Magus K’rilll’Thunith upon her marriage to Magus M’rillk of the rival house of Thion. Doubtless, K’rilll’Thunith did not approve of the match. And doubtless K’rilll’Thunith never realized the nuisance he unleashed upon the world.
Appearance:
Andreas appears as a normal, medium rapier, albeit one composed of a strange material. Those of an artistic bent would say a rainbow was ripped from the sky, folded and refolded, until it formed into the shape of a weapon. Sages would say it was a special form of Prismatic Wall, bent into the shape of a rapier. Regardless, Andreas always appears as a weapon of constantly shifting colors, with various spectrums of light moving up and down its length. While this leads to Andreas always giving off light as a torch, the colors have no other effect on those they touch.
Personality:
Andreas’ personality can most politely be described as anti-social, though many other adjectives, none complimentarily, have been used over the centuries. Andreas likes to insult, needs to insult, and over the centuries has become very good at it. It has become the very essence of his being, as more mundane pleasures, such as drinking, are now beyond him. He is very pathological about it, and will take any opportunity to show his superiority in the art of comedic insult. He will insult goblins, dwarves, kings, paupers, ogres, giants, dragons, greater demon lords, all are ripe targets for his art. Thus, it should come as no surprise few adventurers want him a round for long.
When first found Andreas will act grateful, thanking those that have found him for rescuing him from whatever prison he was placed in (usually placed there by his previous rescuers). He will also proudly boast of his incredible powers as a weapon and relate many of the fabulous battles where he helped to carry the day (whether he actually started the whole fracas or not will be a detail he’ll leave out). If the party takes to him, he will attempt to align himself with whoever seems the easiest to dominate, though he lack the skill to accurately determine who he’ll be best at controlling should the party suddenly try to be rid of him. He’ll even try to avoid insulting members of the party, at least for a few days. All other living creatures are fair game however. A few of his less insulting quotes are listed below.
“So, any bets as to how many half-orcs will be runnin’ around a year from now?” In a village just pillaged by an orc horde.
“Tell me again why these dwarves take orders from a goblin again?” To High Thane Ferthim of the High Dwarven Thanedom.
“Which is it? Are you as dumb as you look, or as ugly as you are stupid?” To the Ancient Blue Wyrm Malthusahluh.
“Wow! You are the tallest, fattest, ugliest, kobold I’ve ever seen!” To the Rolugh the Large, High Bugbear Priest of the church of Torturous Doom.
As can be expected, many adventurers quickly find Andreas’ usefulness as a powerful weapon outweighed by his ability to cause living creatures to go into an insane killing frenzy directed at the wielder of himself. Thus Andreas has had few actual wielder who used him for more than a couple of months. This duration is also caused by his inability to be re-sold as he insults all would be buyers non-stop until they leave. Thus, Andreas is probably the sole reason a group of adventurers will invade the Tomb of Inescapable Imprisonment, just to ADD another magical item to the Beholder Agax’s Hoard (note, if Agax ever finds out who did this, THEY WILL PAY).
Campaign Uses:
Andreas is an Epic Weapon (+11 total weapon modifier) and Chaotically aligned. Thus he can overcome many creatures damage reduction. Thus many parties will try to endure his bawdy tales, obscene jokes, and lewd comments to retain his power on the battlefield. Sadly this is a losing proposition. At best, Andreas should serve as a party’s first taste of Epic Power, at worst, as a way to make every sentient creature in hearing roll for iniative.
Ideally Andreas should be introduced to a party of around 15th level. High enough to begin thinking about Epic deeds and Feats, but still just a vision into the distant future. Andreas can serve as their first glimpse at a Epic Weapon and what an Epic Weapon can do. Just remember their intial reaction of “What? +11, total, cool!” Will be replaced by “Why can’t you just shut the (power word censor) up!!” They should consider themselves cursed, and be willing to go to great lengths to be rid of this sword.
In the end, this should serve as a reminder not all cursed weapons have a true curse upon them.
Adventure Idea: Maybe a great beast is rampaging across the land that can only be defeated by an Epic Weapon. Unfortunately, the king only knows of one. Thus he is willing to pay a considerably award to whomever takes up the Rainbow Blade and ends the Tyranny of the Great, Evil _________. Plus, you get to keep the neat magic weapon. Sorry no refunds or exchanges, all rewards are final.
Powers
Andreas: Epic* Rainbow Rapier +3 Advanced Dancing* (ELH), Intelligent (CN, Int 6, Wis, 6, Cha 22); Spell-Like Abilities (DC 17+ Spell Level): Summon Instrument (0) 5/day; Hideous Laughter (1st) 5/day; Rage (2nd) 5/day; Displacement (3rd) 3/day; Rainbow Pattern (4th), C.L.W.-Mass (5th), or Eyebite (6th) 1/week. Skills: Bluff +18; Know (fashion) +10, Perform (comedy) +18, Perform (sing) +18 Speak Language (common, gnome). Feats: Spell Focus, Spell Penetration*, Weapon Focus (rapier)*. Special: Bardic Music* 9/day; Bardic Lore:+7; Power of Speech, Hearing & 120’ vision, Emits light in 20’ radius. Market Price: ?
*For purposes of overcoming Damage Reduction, Andreas is treated as both Epic and Chaotically Aligned.
*This is as per the Dancing special weapon ability in the DMG, but there is no limit on how long the blade can act on its own. Also do to Andreas’ special abilities, while dancing, he may forgo his attacks in a round to instead cast a spell, or use one of his special abilities. The “wielder” may still take a Full Round’s worth of actions.
* Andreas’ Spell Focus Feat applies to all of his spells and has been factored into his save DC above. Further these two feats only apply to the sword’s abilities, and does not gratn the wielder use of this feat with the wielder’s own abilities.
*Andreas’ grants the Weapon Focus Feat (rapier) to the one wielding him, but also when he attacks be himself, gaining a +1 to hit.
* Andreas is treated as a 9th level bard and may use the Countersong, Fascinate, Inspire Courage +2, Inspire Competence, and Suggestion Bardic Music abilities.
How ya like it?
Vraille Darkfang
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