Players with problems with other players

[DonTadow]

What I thought was a fairly simple problem may have just blown out of control and result in the loss of another player and I'm not sure how it could have been avoided.

I'm playing in a campaign that just started. This Friday, a new player whom is a good friend of mine (a former dm) was invited into the game. I'm use to his play style, so I really didn't see anything out of him talking "a bit"too much. After the game the DM (My GF) tells me that all of the other players (all 5 of them) emailed her and asked her to talk to him about toning down the metagaming. Perhaps I was blinded by friendship, but I didn't even notice it. After talking to the other players though, I can see what offended him. He dominated a number of conversations and talked the dm into letting him kick down a door while standing 5 feet away. When combat occured, it was severely slowed down as he talked during everyone's turn and several times brouht up outside of game topics. Several players were annoyed that he (playing a bard) really whistled during the entire combat. I was the only player whom did not complain, again probably blind friendship.

My GF is a DM in trainning, so I don't want to overstep my bounds as a player and talk to my friend. I tell her to call the guy and talk to him about it. I assumed he was cool and accept it. The next day he contacts me and is furious that the other players didn't just approach him. I tried to explain to him that the other players just didnt know him well and didnt know how he would react so they talked to the DM. In any case, he wants to drop out of the campaign and I can't help but think was there a better way this could have been handled.

Should I have suggested to the DM that she tell the players whom are upset to discuss their problems with the new player before she stepped in?

 

[Agback]

What I thought was a fairly simple problem may have just blown out of control and result in the loss of another player and I'm not sure how it could have been avoided.

Perhaps it couldn't. The guy doesn't sound like a good match for the group. In fact, his combination of giving wide offence and taking offence easily makes him sound pretty hard to place.

Should I have suggested to the DM that she tell the players whom are upset to discuss their problems with the new player before she stepped in?

Well, I think that in general it is never a good idea to tell anyone that someone else has complained about them to you, especially if you go on to endorse the complaint by asking your interlocutor to adapt. It is best to leave out all references to the other people, and to speak as though you were telling the person, in confidence, your own opinions of how they could fit in better.

If A complains to me about B, and I agree, and it is for some reason my responsibility to keep things running smoothly between them (eg. because I am the GM, or because I introduced B to the group and or otherwise gave the impression that he or she is my protégé), I go to B in private and say "I feel that perhaps you metagamed too much", or "I think you argued the toss when you ought to have accepted the GM's call", or "I don't think you ought to talk so much, especially off-topic, during other player's turns in combat", or "A seemed offended by your comments about the LDS. Three topics never discussed in the Mess!" or whatever. That way B is [apparently] able to talk through the complaints with his or her accuser, and is able to modify his or her behaviour with a good grace and without loss of face. If, on the other hand, I were to let B know that I was acting as the hammer on behalf of A he would feel humiliated and marginalised, doubly humiliated if he or she publicly submitted to A's requirements. It is a loss of status. Acting one way, a seem like B's friend trying to help him or her fit in. Acting the other, I seem like the group's front man, forcing him to submit.

Oh, and if A complains to me about B and I don't agree, I tell A that I don't think it is a serious problem, and that if he or she wants A to change he or she had better tell A himself or herself, or learn to live with the problem.

 

[StupidSmurf]

Problem is, if a bunch of the gamers approached him, would he then think he was being ganged up on?

 

[EdL]

Problem is, if a bunch of the gamers approached him, would he then think he was being ganged up on?

Of course he would. I don't see any better way of handling it. I would expect that he'd be less likely to over-react if the GM explained the situation to him than if a almost everyone else confronted him. As for the GM not telling him that the others didn't care for the way he was acting, I should think that it would come out sooner or later... especially if he tried to change and then backslid.