Tolkien's "The Hobbit" as a Bad D&D Game

[Squire James]

Players #3-15: "All 13 of us decided to play low-Dex dwarven warriors and experts who are so poor they pretty much have to loot or beg for food everywhere we go. Oh yeah, and except for Thorin here, we'll give any weapons we find to the other two guys first before accepting any for ourselves."

DM: "Well, at least the other two wanted a rogue and a wizard. Bob's so unreliable, though, so I can't plan on the wizard being around all the time. I guess I'll have to focus the plot on the rogue..."

 

[Ry]

I'd say there are only 2 players for characters 3-15.

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

TPK waiting to happen.

Actually, there is a good strategy there for a high level wizard solo adventurer - hire a gaggle of NPC's to use on the dragon as distractions while he casts spell upon spell unhurried and unmolested...

 

[Stone Angel]

Oh I will laugh this sounds better than any sitcoms out there. Tell us more.


The Seraph of Earth and Stone

 

[Angel Tarragon]

I remember playing ADnD 2nd Edition with an old friend of mine that was the GM, he wanted me to play Legolas in a game, at the time I didn't know squat about Lord of the Rings, so it was fun.

 

[shilsen]

DM: Okay, so Bilbo's PC has been nabbed by the trolls. What are the rest of you doing?

Other Players: We all attack!

DM: Aw, come on - your characters don't know that it's happened. Let's separate player and character knowledge here.

Other players: *grumble, grumble, grumble*

Bilbo: Come on, guys! My PC's stuck here!

Thorin: Fine. I send (pauses to roll die) ...um, Balin to investigate.

Balin: What?! You chose me just because I ate that last dorito!

Thorin: *smirking* No, I didn't. Anyway, that's what I do.

Balin: Fine, FINE! *to DM* I move towards the fire, trying to be quiet.

DM: Good. What's your Move Silently score?

Balin: *sheepishly* -4

Bilbo: I'm *#@&-ed!

DM: *rolling dice* Uh-oh!

Thorin: Okay, now I send Fili.

Few rounds later...

Thorin: Great! I guess I'll just have to go check myself!

A few more rounds later...

Players: So you're TPKing us already? This game SUCKS!

DM: er ... um ... wait a minute ... Gandalf said he'd be meeting you, right? Well, he returns in the nick of time and...

Players: *sotto voce* bloody DMNPC!

 

[CCamfield]

Man, that's funny stuff!

I suspect the PCs are:
- Bilbo
- Thorin
- Balin

All the other dwarves are Thorin's followers/cohorts/what-have-you. (Maybe that's what rycanada was saying.) Balin is the only one besides Thorin who is fleshed out much as a character.

 

[Squire James]

Steve: "I'm taking Leadership. So, I'm level 9 now, my Charisma is 15, and since I'm Durin's Heir I get that +2 'great renown' bonus. So I can get 10 level 1 followers, 1 level 2 follower, and a level 7 cohort. OK, I'll call the cohort Balin and my level 2 follower, oh, Glowin' or something like that. You'll have to give me a few minutes to come up with the other names. Maybe I'll just grab this book from my dad's Norse Mythology collection and snag names at random..."

DM (turning to other players): "Are we done yet? Hey, Bob, why don't you take Leadership too and get your own big gallomping group? Or you, Dora?"

Dora: "I don't qualify. Why did you give me a level 3 guy, Steve a level 8 guy, and Bob a freaking level 13 wizard? It seems kinda unfair!"

Bob: "That's level 17."

DM: "Shhh! That was supposed to be a secret!"

Bob (ignoring DM): "I'm preparing a Chained Flesh to Stone for my 9th level spell, and I'll try to explain it away by saying that whatever it was got turned to stone by sunlight or something. Hm... I guess that means I'll only cast it at dawn, or at night after a Daylight spell... by the way I'll have to miss the next game, and I got that month-long vacation coming up later on. Will that be a problem?"

DM: (sigh) "No, I'll play him while you're gone if you leave the character sheet with me. If you forget, I'll have to come up with some hokey reason you're not there... are you done yet, Steve?"

Steve: "Hm... Fili, Kili, Bifur, Bofur... just one more... drat, just call him Bombur. And make him extraordinarily fat. All the level 1 guys are pretty useless anyway!"

Dora: "About this level imbalance issue..."

DM (annoyed): "Dora, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! If you insist on playing one those wimpy 'hobbit' guys, there's NO WAY I can justify giving one more than 3,500 XP. That's probably twice as many as any other hobbit in history!"

Dora (under her breath): "...too soft on his players anyway. Knowing my luck, every one of those stupid dwarf followers will survive to see the dragon..."

 

[MerakSpielman]

Don't forget to give the best magical sword to the mostly-absent wizard.

 

[LoneWolf23]

I guess we now know why the Hobbit got all the good magic items... It was to cut down on the player's whining.