Updated on March 32, 2001 April Fool's 2001 Issue of Eric Noah's D&D 3E News March 32, 2001 Exposé: Pantheon Shenanigans Revealed! If you thought Salon.com's WotC exposé was controversial, just read this explosive report on the vile goings-on at a dreadful and sinister place known as Nutkinland... WotC Announces Countdown to 4th Edition and a new "Paperless Gaming" initiative: Sorry, folks, this is no joke -- check out these links to verify! (thanks to Liquide, Oren Douek, and Kenn for the scoop) Viscious Killer: Scott Greene of the Creature Catalog has whipped up "a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived." So if you doubt your strength or courage go no further, for death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth. More WotC Employees to Depart? I've reported recently with great sadness about the spate of employees either resigning or being laid off from Wizards of the Coast. Jim Bishop left to work at another company; Jim Butler's position was eliminated; Monte Cook left to freelance. All easily explained ... or is it? New, shocking photographic proof indicates that these young, talented men left NOT for the reasons indicated, but to form a new musical group dubbed WotC BoyZ. The photo below, allegedly taken by Bishop, clearly shows Cook (center) and Butler (right) getting jiggy with it. And look to the left -- there can be no doubt that dreamy game designer James Wyatt is busting a move as well. The evidence is clear -- Wyatt will soon be leaving D&D and getting down with R&B. Rumor also has it that WotC, under the direction of Keith Strohm, will be creating a new CCG based on this intellectual property. Wyatt, Cook, and Butler break some hearts. Infographic: DMs, how much do you charge your players to play? $14 per hour, 4 hour minimum, no partial hours. 30% Barter system requiring players to do my laundry, rake my yard, and clean my gutters. 20% Barter system requiring players to do "favors" for me, nudge nudge, wink wink. 40% Charge to play? Don't be ridiculous, that's rude. But I do charge $1 per 10 XP. 10% New D&D Book Announced! WotC has announced another exciting product for Fall 2001 -- The Bullywug Book! Like the "complete handbooks" of 2nd Edition, this tome will contain new classes, race variants, equipment, spells, and magic items to make your bullywug characters the best they can be. Comes with a "20% more powerful than standard D&D races" guarantee! Pre-order yours today. Munchkin's Paradise: I get a lot of new D&D players asking, "What's a munchkin?" Rapmaster Brian 'Cevalic' Ostermeyer answers this question quite deftly ... in song: Munchkin Paradise (Sung to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio, new words by Brian 'Cevalic' Ostermeyer) As I walk through the valley filled with vampric dragons I take a look at my inventory and pulled out plus ten flagons Cause I've been hacking and slaying so long Even my DM forgets that I learned the rules wrong. But I ain't never got an item that was too out of line. My character's treated like a king, a PC ahead of his time. Gods be watchin what they sayin when they hear that I'm playin. I really hate to brag but I killed Tiamat -- I did it bare handed cause she made me mad, fool. I'm the kinda PC every gamer wanna be like, On my throne in the night A king with godly might. Chorus: We've been spending most our time Gaming in a munchkin paradise. Rolled for godhood once or twice, Gaming in a muncking paradise. We've been spending most our time Gaming in a munchkin paradise. Rolled for godhood once or twice, Gaming in a munchkin paradise. Forget the situation, DM got me facin -- I can't play when magic lacks, I was raised on artifacts. So I gotta find a DM down with me; I let my brother DM even though he's three. I'm above the average gamer with gold on my mind. Got a crossbow in my hand, slaying bolts plus nine. I'm a pumped up power gamer, just a little tweaked And my followers are down, even if they're freaks, fool. Death ain't never gonna touch my PC -- Soon I'll kill Vecna, then you'll all see. I'm a demi-god now, but will I live to be a diety? The way things is goin it's for sure. Tell me why are you - so mad at me? Cause my guy's a god? - you hate me? Chorus Gold and the magic, magic and the gold, Pile after pile, load after load. Everybody's bowing, but none of them ain't seein My ultra master plan, to destory all the heathens. They say I got to quit, but nobody's gonna change me. If they can't play with power, how can they game with me? I guess they can't, I guess they won't, I guess they leave; that's why I know my game is just solo... Chorus Nostalgia: Here's what was happening about a year ago today... Big Thanks: To Simon B. Sinister for the Photoshop Magic. Dungeons & Dragons, D&D 3E and AD&D are all property of Wizards of the Coast.