The Messy Kill - A 4E Contest

[EP]

A sentry guard who sounded the alarm just before you could silence him; a lone warrior with a high AC and just too stubborn to go down; or a series of two or more natural 1’s in a row – these are just a few examples of some of the messiest kills you may ever encounter in your gaming life.

To mark the arrival of Emerald Press PDF Publishing’s latest release, The Quick Kill, we’ve decided to open the forum to hear your worst kills as a GM or player. Tell us about the times when nothing went right and you had to find crazier ways to take down your opponent, or how long and hard you fought down to your last hit point before finally taking someone out. We’d like to hear from you just how bad it really got and maybe even give you something for it.

All entries will be accepted until February 8, 2009 and it will be put to an open vote to be completed by February 15, 2009. It can be for any roleplaying system, any edition, written in-character, or however you choose to do it. The winner will receive every current and upcoming Dark Emerald product free for life, including The Quick Kill, while the remaining two runner-ups will receive a copy of The Quick Kill PDF for free. There are no word limits, so go nuts (but keep the story to the essentials) and keep it decent for the EN moderators to enjoy.

The Quick Kill is the first product in the Dark Emerald line of mature roleplaying accessories for the 4th Edition of Dungons & Dragons from Wizards of the Coast. It provides a skill challenge for killing an opponent in one blow and three optional encounters to test it out with. Now available from all OneBookStore sites – buy now from the EN World PDF store for $2 US.

 

[EP]

I guess I'll go first. This entry will not be considered for voting and is provided simply as an example.

It was Dark Sun, somewhere around 1994. We had been playing for a while and were pretty much into all of the TSR worlds at that time (except for Birthright, but that was just because there was no time, dammit) and my buddy Derek had been running this one for some time. I could never keep a character alive past the end of the adventure. Druids were normally the safest and I liked the shapechanging, but went with a straight fighter for DS.

The details are sketchy (it was 15 years ago), but we had invaded a temple and went toe-to-toe with a lone female warrior at the top of an immense staircase with a balcony overlooking the courtyard below. We couldn't take her down. All by herself, she tossed us aside, disarmed us, and was impossible to hit. She even teased us by putting one hand behind her back and practically did everything except blindfold herself. Nothing was working. So I improvised and it ended up changing how I play and DM forever.

Everyone had at least struck her once, but I wasn't able to do anything. "Bad dice" is what I said then and it's what I'm saying now. When my latest THAC0 roll came up zilch, I freaked out. "Screw this!" I said (actually, it was much more profane, but I'm trying not to get the boot here) and pulled out my 50' rope. "I'm gonna wrap a noose around her neck and toss her over the edge."

The DM paused for a moment. It was the first time any of us had broken ranks and tried to fight using something other than weapons. "Uh, okay. Can you tie a knot?"

(We were rather strict about non-proficiency skills and as a fighter, I had nothing.)

"No," I replied, dismayed.

"I can, " another player broke out. I tossed him the rope while everyone else in the party jumped on her. Held down with a noose around her neck, I picked her up and tossed her over, leaving her to dangle for all to see. The noose was too tight to untie and if she cut the rope, she would fall to her death. Because we were only 18 at the time, we were too stupid to wait for her to die... but we never saw her again.

Without a doubt, it was the sloppiest collection of XP I've ever received, but it gave me new hope in roleplaying. No more was I tied down to typical attacks and damage rolls - now I was going to mix it up. We all did, actually, and it made for some of the richest roleplaying experiences I've ever had.

 

[Simm]

Eberron AP, can't remember the adventure's name but it's the one where you go to Xen'drik. The DM replaced the servant of the lord of blades with a nimblewright fighter/duelist/arcane duelist designed by yours truly. It had a 29 touch defense. Our party was a warlock, a cleric/barbarian, a two weapon fighter, and a kobold warblade (myself). The nimblewright opens the fight by leaping off a wall at us. The fighter goes down early in the fight, the warlock takes to the air but has trouble hitting (high touch defense at work), I went toe to toe against it with buff and healing support from the cleric. About five rounds later we're both below twenty hit points, and the next hit either of us land wins. I comment on this to the nimblewright (quote "it's luck which of us wins now, let's end this pointless fight), it agrees and 5' steps around me and takes the cleric out in one round. A round later the warlock takes of his backpack and drops it on the nimblewright.

Good opening, built up towards a climax, and then came crashing down, literally.

 

[Herremann the Wise]

Now this story is most probably more about context and situation than anything else, but boy was this a classic for our group.

The Scenario
Our DM (Paul), tells everyone he has a special surprise for us this game session, one that we'll possibly get up to before the end. He then places his wooden box on the table and everyone knows what this means. He has specially painted up a new figure and is just waiting for it's unveiling.

Now our group had consisted of the usual array of adventurers including my Paladin (Herremann funnily enough) and the party fighter (Demar, played by Stuart). Now there had been a bit of friendly rivalry between Herremann and Demar in terms of leadership and equipment, but things had turned a little nasty when the party got hold of the highly magical blade Darkrazer. There were arguments over who should get to use this blade. Demar was quite keen to put his hand up for most items, but this time Herremann decided that in the name of his deity he would wish to take possession of the magical blade. Now this caused a stir as the paladin had never directly asked for any item before (normally getting trounced in our party's usual stampede).

Demar was not happy. And may I repeat again not happy! Actually it was most probably Stuart who was not happy as well. It was an item we were not really supposed to get I suppose and so it was markedly more powerful than any gear we had gotten up to that point. Anyway, after much debate amongst the party and group, Herremann received the blade.

First Combat with the Big New Blade
The party had cleverly concocted a plan to head directly to the enemy's supposedly hidden lair. In fact the plan (courtesy of the halfling rogue played with absolute cleverness by Justin) was of a genius so pure, the DM had to bow to its resolution. We got to the lair, untouched and with our reserves at their fullest. And then the DM pulled out the box...

A f***ing Nalfeshnee Demon! (Along with a few very nasty cronies). Us players have looked at each other incredulous about what we're facing (off the CR scale here), and then we looked at the model. Now you had to admire the level of work that Paulie put in to modifying and augmenting this model - it was downright spectacular. He then tells us the number of hours it took (he had been planning this guy for months - this was the finale of the arc of the campaign).

"And now, Porky is going to kill you all", said Paul in his best growl.

After a single round, it quickly became apparent we were going to die, a TPK well and truly on the cards. The mage had been dusted up, Demar had a perfect opportunity to hack into Porky as he is now perpetually known, but missed terribly (rolling a 1 and a 2 - or something low on the second roll). However, the worst was for poor Herremann, feebleminded by Porky. I roleplayed this as some sort of religious revelry but in truth the paladin had been completely neutered. With no reasonable way of escape, the party was completely stuffed. And then...

The phone rang, and I had to go. I can't remember what the circumstances were but it was something with my wife that was fairly inconsequential. However, it was late so driving home, I kind of figured we were all dead anyway. Our DM (Paul) plays hardball and getting to the final bad guy prematurely was more incentive for him to take off the gloves. No sugar-coating encounters to match levels. He was quite happy to let us bite off more than we could chew - although the plan that got us there was pretty damn good. And so I missed out on seeing the group wiped off the battlemap.

Anyway, the following morning I decide to give Paul a call to see how it all ended up. He didn't sound happy.

Me - "What happened Paul, you upset you killed the group off?"
P - "No, it's not that"
Me - "What happened then"
P - "Actually, you'll find it quite funny"
Me - "So did you kill us off"
P - "Well... no actually. In fact I was a very disappointed."
Me - "Huh?" [confused]
P - "You know how I spent so much time painting that Nalfeshnee, well he barely lasted more than a round"
Me - "What we killed him"
P - [laughing] "Yeah, in fact Herremann killed him"
Me - [surprised] "Huh, he was stuffed. Intelligence 1, Charisma 1 is enough to neuter a paladin. How did he kill him".

Now I'm thinking what on earth could have happened?

P - "Well I gave him to Stuart (Demar's player) to play and he had Herremann charge him".
Me - "And what happened?"
P - "20/20/20, rolled by Stuart trying to get your guy killed..."
Me - "...trying to get his hands on that blade?"
P - "Porky's head came clean off"

We both started laughing.

P - "And from there, Herremann went into a religious frenzy and with the rest of the group took out the rest. I still can't believe that Porky got killed so quickly after all this time, and Stu rolling the 20/20/20 for your guy rather than Demar. He was so pissed off."

I'm not too sure if this fits in with the ethos of the competition but heh, it was just one of those combats that you'll always remember.

Best Regards
Herremann the Wise

 

[Cardboard Carnage]

Good topic and good stories!

This one is about 10 years ago or so, so the details are a bit sketchy, but you'll get the basic idea. We were playing a standard D&D game and one of the players always, without fail, would play a Gnome Bard, he would never get into combat and did nothing really to help, he was more or less the character we took with us that wasted food and water when we'd stop for the night.

Anyhow, long story short, we ended up having to get some kind of an orb or something, and time was running out, we were in the last battle of the adventure and it looked like we were not going to make it. There was a wall of bad guys between us and the objective and the clock was ticking... we all had already been beat to the point of near death and winning the adventure looked less and less likely as the dice rolled.

One of the guys playing a massive fighter with incredible strengh suddenly said something like "Hey, all we have to do is get that orb to win, right?" (It was one of those deal where when we obtained the orb we were all teleported out for an instant win type ending...

The DM let off an evil smile and said "Oh yes, but you'll never get through this wall of goons in time! bwaa haa haa" (ok, maybe he didn't let out an evil laugh, but you get the idea)...

The guy playing the fighter smiled and said "Ok, no problem... I pick up the gnome, spin him around in a circle a few times and throw him up over the wall of goons to where the orb sits"

The DM's reply was priceless "Uhh... umm... uh..."

The fighter easily tossed the gnome up and over the bad guys, across the room to the orb, and we won the adventure.

D.

 

[Frostmarrow]

Alright, I wasn't in this game but its a legend among my friends.

The DM was older and had rounded up a bunch of youngsters to play in his game. He kept it up for years despite the immaturity of the rest of the group. The game featured lots of infighting and intrigue where the players tried to outmanuever each other, stealing each other's treasure, or even kill each other's familiars.

One night an old friend of the DM showed up and the DM decided to let him in on some of the fun, and presumably teach the teenagers a lesson. The party was about to enter the chambers of the big bad evil guy. So the DM handed the friend a character sheet featuring an evil wizard and told the friend to pick the spells. The friend went all out and racked up the lot of save-or-die spells available at the current level.

For some reason the players decided not to enter the chambers of the evil wizard and instead argue back and forth amongst themselves for hours on end. The DM's friend was bored out of his mind sitting in the room next to the game table. Oh, how he waited.

Back at the game table the DM finally got to throw his surprise at the players. "The gloves are off, my friend is going to play the wizard to the hilt. Roll initiative!"

Vorpal-Halfling: I attack the wizard with my sword. Yay twenty! I guess his head is chopped off.

 

[Jack7]

or however you choose to do it.

EP, does that also include written up as a narrative short story?
I'm just verifying before delivering anything.

 

[Cadfan]

Xavier, our friendly party ninja (rogue class human with a katana that follows the stats for a rapier but requires two hands), decided to be a hero in a fight in Keep on the Shadowfell.

So... that means the rest of this is spoilers. Be warned.

The fight was against some goblins who were mining for buried treasures in an abandoned keep. The terrain consisted of some raised areas with rickety wooden beams connecting them, and a big pit beneath with slippery, sandy walls. The party started on the upper level, and the goblins and their pet lizards started in a mixture. One goblin in particular was at the far end of the room on a raised area. Most were below.

The party sneaked in and got a surprise round, so Xavier charged to the next platform, leaping the entire distance so that he didn't have to risk the rickety wooden bridge. At the end of his charge he made a basic melee attack against a guard lizard, hit, and got sneak attack damage.

The rest of the party then takes their actions. Every single one of them either voluntarily climbed into the pit to fight the goblins below, or they fell off of the wooden bridge. Xavier is now alone on the raised area. He figures that's ok, he's demolishing this lizard and there's only 10 feet of sandy sloped dirt between his allies and him.

Next round, Xavier wins Initiative. This is like the perfect fight for him. Every trademark ability he has at level 2 is being used. Since he has initiative, and the lizard hasn't acted yet this combat, he gets combat advantage once again. So he uses Torturous Strike, which, combined with sneak attack and his Backstabber feat, nets him a total damage of 4d8+6. The lizard dies a horrible death, never even getting to act once. Xavier just flew into the room, leaped through the air, and chopped it into ribbons before it could even move. Our ninja has never been more ninja-esque.

The rest of the party takes their actions. The goblin on the far platform starts sniping at Xavier, since he's the only one still on the upper level. Xavier takes some trivial damage, and chooses his next foe. Meanwhile, his allies on the lower level mix it up with the rest of the enemies.

Xavier's next action is obvious- jump both of the remaining gaps and take down the last goblin on the upper floor. He won't have sneak attack now, but that's ok. He's a brutal scoundrel rogue, so he's got a decent strength score, he uses a 1d8 weapon, and he can get extra damage in one on one fights by using Riposte Strike. He goes for it, sprinting and leaping across chasm after chasm until he's on top of the goblin sniper. His final action is a charge, so he makes his attack, and misses. Well, can't win them all.

This is where his luck changed.

As his party slowly hacks their way to victory below him, Xavier battles his goblin in a brutal man versus goblin duel to the death. He can't seem to land a good hit, but he knows he's better than this punk. So he does the logical thing- he clearly needs combat advantage. As soon as an ally can climb up to help him, he'll want to flank, so he begins shifting around so that he's in the corner, and the goblin's back is to the rest of the room.

This wasn't the smartest thing he's ever done.

After several more rounds, it becomes clear that help isn't coming. Not only is it taking longer to kill the goblins on the lower floor, but climbing the sandy sloped sides of the pit turns out to be very difficult. Several party members give a shot at climbing up to help him, but none succeed. Meanwhile, the goblin continues to remain unscathed, and Xavier's hit points are slowly falling...

And now he's pinned into a corner by his own cunning maneuvers, and his hit points are so low that the opportunity attack he's going to provoke if he just runs for it might leave him on the floor.

He finally escaped only by faking the goblin out, throwing a shuriken into its face, and then fleeing wildly while it wiped away the blood. Our Fighter, Bullhammer, finally managed the climb, and crushed the goblin to a pulp in a matter of seconds.

Its become a major issue for Xavier, unfortunately. He keeps wanting to prove himself, and bolster his ego, but every time he ends up fighting a goblin one on one, he gets beaten like the Washington Generals.

 

[EP]

EP, does that also include written up as a narrative short story?
I'm just verifying before delivering anything.

Go nuts, however you want to present it. If anything, probably couldn't hurt to dress it up as a short story so long as it's true.

 

[Jack7]

Go nuts, however you want to present it. If anything, probably couldn't hurt to dress it up as a short story so long as it's true.

Well, the story is from a game, so it's not true, or really-real. But the mission that the story is based on was based on some real experiences, but sort of a compilation of different real world events.

However the story will be presented pretty much as it happened in-game, though from me interpreting events as the DM rather than the player.

So, I'll give it a whirl, and thanks.