The Best Villainous Monologues

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  1. #1
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    The Best Villainous Monologues

    Hey, all. One of the post titles I glanced at made me think of all of the monologuing I've done over the years when role-playing the various villains/monsters in my campaigns.

    Some of the best times in my games were spent out-monologuing my players.

    I can't recall all of the cool monologues. At the moment only a few come to mind. Here's one:

    The group was trapped in an extraplanar space that was sort of like a pit trap that was quite large and very dark. Trapped in it with them was a particularly nasty Nightwalker. The party's paladin had a really cool sword that was imbued with some abilities the player had put a lot of time and xp into. The paladin hit the creature a couple of times and damaged it whereas the others were having a tougher time of it. After the second such blow from the paladin's sword, the creature hissed, "That will be the last time you ever use that weapon, human!" The Nightwalker then proceeded to successfully disarm the paladin of his super cool sword, smashed it into a ball of useless metal, and flung it back at him.

    Another one was more of a punk speech:

    The party cleric had gotten separated from the rest of the party to investigate the source of a spell that had been cast at them. Climbing into the cave tunnel above the party's position, the cleric found himself face to face with a Nalfeshnee. The fiend made a full attack on him with every hit successful and inflicting a LOT of damage. With the blood still dripping from it's claws, the demon leered down at the cleric and said, "Your move, Holy Man!"

    Anyway, I'd love to share yours or a few ideas for some.
    Steve Greer
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    I have one quote from an author that I dreg out of me every few years in a villain monologue.

    It is from Brian Lumley in the first Necroscope book and went something like this

    'you're just a mere pup who has never breached a bitch.'
    "The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." Sigmund Freud

    "Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while." Ambrose Bierce

    "In heaven all the interesting people are missing." Friedrich Nietzsche

    "Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen." John le Carre

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    Huhm. My players were still rather new.
    PCs enter dragon lair. Dragon = gargantuan blue one. PCs = level 4-5. First trap = Huge trapdoor. Whole group falls down... into a big hole filled with stinking slimy green goo. Dragon laughter to be heard.
    PCs go to dragon. Ask him, hey dragon, could you please do this and that for us? Dragon: Ohhh that's sooo nice I didn't have visitors for such a long time. Now where are my presents?
    PCs one by one hand over something pretty precious or magical. Dwarven fighter: I'll kick his knee. Dragon: Hey, nice horn there, that's the present for me? Dwarf: "&%$"/($&%"($%"/$%"(/&$%"(%$(/"$%("/%$"(/%$"%$(/%"!!!!!! Dragon: *burp*
    Shilsen: Remember, as a wise man once said, physics is a house rule.
    Charwoman Gene: Hello, you seem greedy and prone to violence, want to go camping together for the rest of our lives?
    Celebrim:... + 5 (+5 enchancement bonus) ...
    Shilsen: I read the strip and felt a great disturbance in the Farce, as if a million voices cried out in terror, "No!! The XX eyes!!" and were suddenly silenced.
    BlackSeed_Vash: Does the fighter/bard have a +X Greataxe Shock/Shocking Burst, for that feel good electric axe feel?!

    Do you think your dice are lucky? Read this.

  • #4
    I had some good villanous dialogue with a talking sword once.

    "Judgement of the Sultan" - a LE vorpal scimitar that had gotten its mitts into the youngest, and lowest wisdom, member of the party. Much to the annoyance of the CG Paladin.

    Yet every time this came up, I simply role-played the sword - and somehow managed to talk them out of taking it away. Every time. No rolls, no saving throws - just twisted logic and my most persuasive voice.

    Fun, fun, fun.
    Well, Im sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect an exhaust port less than two meters wide!

    -- Emperor Palpatine

  • #5
    The party comes across a sleeping dragon on the other side of some boulders, and quietly tries to plan what to do.

    Dragon: "Aren't illusions fun?" (breathe) [Yeah, the boulders were illusory. Yeah, we were fools].
    28 days... six hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.

    -Frank, Donnie Darko

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    Silly Character: "I'm not afraid to die!"
    Silly character is promptly tossed into a wall via telekinesis and the BBEG rushes him and starts crushing his throat.
    BBEG: "There are so many things so much worse than death."

    Mind you, BBEG is a death knight-type character.
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    Any major villain monologue in a comic book written by Stan Lee.

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    I'd vote for Ozymandias in Watchmen:

    "'Do it?' Dan, I'm not a Republic serial villain. Do you seriously think I'd explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago."

    IMC, I think the best effect was after a PC was taken hostage by the drow, in their city (D3) and being marched to his fate through the crowded streets (after a near TPK). The crowd parts and in their way is an insane lich who the party had attacked and stole the items from earlier in their career (and promptly forgot about). A limited wish and lightning bolt later, the drow were dead, the PC badly hurt, and the lich growled "Where's my stuff!?" The PC hastly made a deal and the lich teleported them both away to recover the lost items of the PCs new master.
    Last edited by painandgreed; Saturday, 20th January, 2007 at 12:25 AM.
    "Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb"

  • #9
    For some reason the first phrase that comes to mind when I read "Villain's Monologue" is "Called shot to the nuts!"

    No monologue survives contact with the PCs.
    "The Soul of D&D? It's rolling a natural 20 when you're down to 3 hit points and the cleric's on the floor and you're staring that sunnavabitch bugbear right in his bloodshot eye and holding the line just long enough to let the wizard unleash a fireball at the guards who are on their way, because they're all that stands between you, the Foozle and Glory." - WizarDru

  • #10
    The party rogue got captured trying to infiltrate an evil cult (he was doing a recon) and was brought before the leader.

    Evil Cultist 2nd in command: "We have captured an intruder. Do you wish to observe the interrogation, my lord?" (read in: torture)

    Evil Cult Leader: "Yes. (pause) And put a bag over his head, I can't stand to see a grown man cry."
    Black Moria

    Nemo Me Impune Lacessit

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