Where Have All the Ki-Rins Gone, or a Very Beastie Christmas

This Ki-Rin walks into a bar on Christmas eve. A Lammasu is behind the deck pouring drinks.

"Hey buddy, whatcha know?" The Ki-Rin asks the Lammasu.

The Lammasu looks up surprised and says, "Hey man, long-time no-see. Where you been keeping yourself?"

"Ah man, I've got a sweet little Slyph now, and we've had three baby-Sprites already. I peeled her away from some idiot Satyr who couldn't keep his pan-flute away from the Shedus."

"I hear ya. I wish I could anchor-in a sweet little gynosphinx of my own but all I keep running into are Shriekers and Sea-hags."

Right then a Hobgoblin and his Hippopotamus ambled by. The Ki-Rin motioned with his horn-tip in their direction as they passed. "Man, that's a coupla real Gargoyles, ain't they?"

The Lammasu shrugged. "Yeah, we keep getting more and more like that around here since the Chimera began his latest round of experiments."

"Say," the Ki-Rin snorted enthusiastically. "Maybe you just need to get out more and run with a better crowd. I got this buddy, he's part Salamander and part hexa-Naga, he'll fix ya up with a butter-Nymph worth your while."

"Really?"

"Sure. Right now he's dating what's a Gorgon to me, but that bovine seems to know every hot Lamia in town. That way, if you play your cards right, you won't get stuck with all the Medusas and she-Ogres."

"I appreciate that man," the Lammasu said wiping a beer-mug clean. "Thanks for looking out for me."

"Don't mention it. Say, you haven't seen the Owl-Bear around here anywhere have ya?"

The Lammasu pointed with his tail. "He's over there in the corner with the Rakshasa."

"Oh yeah, well, I got some catching up to do with those two anyhow. Why don't you send over a coupla Purple Worms and a Quasit when you got the chance. We could be awhile."

"Will do fella, but I gotta warn ya."

"Okay, what's that?"

"They play the Ropers. And pretty hard," the Lammasu continued with his eyebrow arching.

"That's fine by me Lammy. I got a Xorn or two what's good for it."

"You old Cockatrice you."

"Sometimes it pays to come Nightmared," the Ki-Rin quipped.

"Careful though anyway."

"Why's that?"

"They run with a tough crowd of Mermen."

The Ki-Rin shuddered unconvincingly. "Ah yes, Mermen and Fountain-Brownies. The Hell-Hounds of the dish-watery underworld."

They both laughed heartily.


And then the Umber-Hulk and the Manticore walked in...

Jack7 said:

"They run with a tough crowd of Mermen."

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I hear their bones are worth quite a pretty penny.

Oh wait... wrong game?

I hear their bones are worth quite a pretty penny.

Oh wait... wrong game?

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I'm not sure Interwyrm.

I just thought they were playing for Leprechaun shine and Pixie stix. But maybe there's a Morkoth in the crowd.

Jack7 said:

I'm not sure Interwyrm.

I just thought they were playing for Leprechaun shine and Pixie stix. But maybe there's a Morkoth in the crowd.

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I was making a sideways reference. In Dwarf Fortress, merman bones are the most valuable bone material in the game... on par with dragon bones IIRC. Some players have tried to set up elaborate mechanisms to drain the ocean in order to harvest those bones.

Google search if you want to read some of the most ingenious and vile things a dwarfy mind has ever come up with.

I was making a sideways reference.

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Well, if you're gonna make a reference I always say it should be sideways. So I'm with ya there.

The general hum subsided. The Ki-Rin looked over his shoulder while the Lammasu muttered, "Oh man, not again. These two will be trouble."

Nobody said nothing for several seconds. Then the Umber Hulk rumbled.

"Anybody here seen a Dame named Karillunda?"

"Who wants to know?" shouted out a voice from the back of the bar. It was probably a Basilisk on leave.

The Umber Hulk clicked his inner pincers together menacingly, and then dropped a double-sized cinder block loudly from his hind quarters to the mahogany floor. It crashed through the boarding and kept falling.

"I wanna know!" It sorta sounded like a Remorhaz gnawing at a gravel barbecue pit.

Then the Manticore stepped forward and roared and growled and carried on something terrible but nobody could make out what he was saying so it got quiet again.

The Ki-Rin glanced over at the table where the Owl-Bear had been sitting and noticed that it was now empty, except for a sprinkling of soiled feathers and fur-droppings. Apparently the Rakshasha has skeedaddled as well, even the smoke from his hookah had cleared up already.

"Hey" said the Ki-Rin over the gathering pall, "why do you wanna mess with Karillunda?"

"Do you know her?" grated the Umber Hulk.

"We dated back in the day."

"Then tell me where she is and I won't chew your head off."

"Why you wanna run with that girl? She's a real Lich."

"Whad-didyu just say pony-tail?"

"No, I mean she's a real Lich pal. You're probably just all Voodooed-up and don't even know it. Why don't ya let me buy you and your friend a big round of warm Harpy milk and a Neo-Otyugh or two and you guys can sleep it off til morning?"

"Think you're pretty big and tough, don't ya glitter hooves?" The Umber Hulk shouted. The Manticore roared and stomped around on all fours angrily, but still nobody could make out what he was trying to get across.

"Well, I'm big and tough enough to break off my +3 horn of un-Umbering in both your saddle-bags if that's what ya mean skipper, but since it's Christmas and all, why don't ya just let me create a soul-eatin illusion of her and you boys can owe me the difference in copper pieces."

A Mimic sniggered in the background but no-one could make out if it was the table, the chamber pot, or the hat-rack.

"I want Karillunda!!!" The Umber Hulk roared ferociously.

"Wouldn't you be better off with a Groaning Spirit?"

"Unicorn!" the Umber Hulk screamed in frustration.

"Where?" said the Ki-Rin, looking around.

"You," the Umber Hulk shouted. "You're nothing but a long-haired Unicorn!"

"Hey, one of my best friends is a Unicorn," replied the Ki-Rin. "But we're not related. I can assure ya."

The Manticore started to rush forwards, a Troglodyte nervously cut loose with his skunk juice, a Water Weird squirted straight up to the ceiling, and in all the mayhem and confusion the Umber Hulk clawed open his own belly by mistake.

It took no more than three pounces and a Zombie trot for the Manticore to reach the bar where he immediately lept into the air with all his fury and came crashing down claws-extended into the empty bar, where one of the shank-planks of a shattered Ettin keg impaled him through the throat and he died on the spot.

After the Manticore had his final death rattle, and the shock of the whole scene had worn off for most of the patrons, the entire bar suddenly heard the deep, hearty laughter of the Ki-Rin's voice ringing in the air as he brightly proclaimed, "HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas to All, and to all a Good Night! I was never really here you know. But now all you have to do is wait til that stupid Umber Hulk bleeds himself out and his treasure is yours!!!"


And the moral of this story ladies and gentlemen is this: if we had more Ki-Rins around then life would be a lot more interesting...

What's a Ki-Rin?

What's a Ki-Rin?

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It's just a gassy little imaginary thingamabob with horse hair and a magical candy cane horn that I made up for the sake of the story Vorput, but if somebody wants to read something symbolic into it all then who am I to stop em?

By the way, what's a pickle death attack?
And can I get one of those for Christmas.

Vorput said:

What's a Ki-Rin?

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Old school

Jack7 said:

By the way, what's a pickle death attack?
And can I get one of those for Christmas.

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This!

And probably. All you need is a jar of pickles, and an angry woman.