Writing again

So, I've started wirting again and here's what I have so far now [sblock=character bio]Nikora Everett stands at 5’10 with grey eyes and short black hair that is often tied into a ponytail. She has a tattoo of crossed swords with the names of her parents on each blade on the back of her neck. She’s 33. She normally dresses in casual clothes such as a shirt and pants, with black leather boots. On her right wrist is a solid silver bracelet with a matching one on her left. The bracelets are a magical gift from her father, when she utters the word “Volund” they extend into two short blades. She’s a thief along with being a worker at a local tavern, both her father Seng Everett mother Carina Everett were well-known artificers who sadly perished in a fire due to one of their projects exploding when Nikora was a teen. She joined a thief’s guild both as a way to support herself, after finding out that while she had some magical talent it wasn’t up to the same level as her parents; and as something to do. Her minor talent enable her to pick locks by pressing her hand against either the door or the lock itself. She also was trained in sword fighting hence the bracelets given to her from her father on a birthday. Her demeanor is laid back and easy going at least when working the bar. She often has a smirk on her face. She realized she also needed some sort of cover and got employed the popular tavern “Demon’s Run”.[/sblock]

[sblock=actual story] Nikora jumped from her hiding place among the statutes that lined the roof of the church, her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll. She sat there smirking thinking about her training and how she once feared heights. Slowly standing up as she looked around for a door or way into the building, her eyes found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Coming next to it she knelt down and laid her right hand on the door. Closing her eyes in concentration her hand began to glow a soft blue and in her mind she could see the mechanism that made up the lock. With a smile forming on her soft lips she started to manipulate the pins in the lock. Easier than making a Covered Apple cocktail, she thought while moving her hand to the door’s handle and pulling up to reveal a ladder leading into darkness. Once she got to the bottom of the ladder she found herself in a closet.

Opening the door revealed a bedroom. In the middle of the room was a large bed with a few pillows tossed about on it. Directly opposite from the bed was a dresser with a small jewelry box along with a picture on top. Quickly looking around she formed a fist with her right, causing it to glow faintly, it was enough for her to see but not enough to light up the whole room. She moved to the dresser and opened the jewelry box revealing a number of rings and earrings. She quickly grabbed the box and dumped it into the bag that hung at her side. She then looked around wondering if there was more to take. This was a bust, oh well, she thought as she headed back into the closet and out the trapdoor. On the roof again, she looked around to find a way down to the street, and leapt to a smaller building and climbed down the drain.

The next morning, Nikora woke up taking in the messy state of her bedroom. A sad smile formed on her lips as she looked over at a picture of her parents on her nightstand. Rising to her feet, she looked over at the small bag on the chair that held the items from her late night excursion. Two hours later, she stepped out of her house into the morning light. Walking up the street towards the red light district she wondered how her parents would feel about her chosen path. At least I didn’t end up on my back she thought as she passed a brothel. Finding “Finnegan’s Finds”, she walked causing a bell above the door to ding. The balding man behind the counter looked up from the tray of rocks and smiled seeing who it was.

“Good morning Nikora, and what do you have for me today?” He said moving the tray under the counter.

“A few rings and earrings Finn. “ She answered dumping the objects out of the bag on the counter.

“How much are you expecting?” He asked while sorting the items.

“A fair price.”

“I see, will twenty-five sliver work?” He answered.

“I was wanting fifty.” She responded.

“Ha, how about you take thirty and I’ll ignore the fact that you’re taking advantage of my good nature?” Came the counter offer as he folded his arms across his chest.

Letting out an exaggerated sigh she nodded in agreement. He bent down and then reappeared with the coins. She quickly grabbed them as if Finn would take them back.

“Good doing business with you.” He said moving the items out of sight.

She gave him a wave as she walked out into the city. Heading into the trade district, from the sounds of shop keepers selling and the noise of shoppers she could tell the city had awaken.

[/sblock]

So,what do you all think?

you start with a long sentence. probably needs a period after Church. Look for your other sentences that seem long and see if you've got complete sentences hiding in them. I'm not big on adverbs anymore, you've only got one.

referencing a cocktail by name didn't do it for me. I don't drink, and I don't know she's a bartender yet. Consider changing the sentence to:
Easier than making a cocktail in her bartending job.

This would reveal something about her backstory, and might entice us to learn more because she's a magic catburglar AND a bartender.

I'm not as good with the line about her sitting there smirking and thinking. It's too reflective, right when there should be action. Go research Scene and Sequel (or read up Deb Chester's The Fantasy Fiction Formula. The gist is the scene is the car accident happening right now, you see the car in front slam on its brakes, you swerve to the right, a kid on the bike is in the way, jerk the wheel to the left and fly off the bridge. To the sequel, where you sit on the shore, shivering, cursing that idiot in the Mazda, wondering what you'll tell your parents about the car. Maybe you can tell them you saved a kid's life, that'll stop the beating.

I'm not as hooked on the opening sentence. Those are tricky, but I try to find a way to reveal the hero in a situation that is surprising and unusual to the reader, so they want to learn more. For instance:
Twenty minutes from now, Nikora needed to be back tending bar, but right now, she had to get into this house or she was as good as dead.

---

That's enough dissection from me. I hope it helps. You can use any bit of my sentence alternates you want, that's what developmental editing does. Welcome back to writing. As you might have guessed, I too am a writer. Got back into it almost two years ago. Learned a ton that I didn't know about. Get that book I mentioned and as Jim Butcher says in the forward, "Shut up and do what Deb tells you." It'll be a lot less painful and you'll learn how to successfully build a book or tell a story before you try your own half-baked way of telling a story and failing.

For the record, I've a few small pieces published since I started and I wrote my novel's first draft my way, and it's a mess. So I am starting over and doing it the Deb Chester way.

That first paragraph is just a list of statements all in a similar format. It reads more like a bullet point list than prose.

Morrus said:

That first paragraph is just a list of statements all in a similar format. It reads more like a bullet point list than prose.

Click to expand...

I skipped reading that. A reader won't have access to that when they read the book. it could use a few carriage returns.

I have a character questions that I made from Deb's book (she's also a college professor, didn't have templates so I'm sending her mine). be happy to share.

the file's nothing special, but by breaking it down into questions, it'll be easier to read and you can find what element you're looking for to remind you (what's her dad's name so his war buddy gets it right in Chapter 7?)

Another thing to look into, if you're serious about this writing thing... ProWriting Aid. it's $40/year, cheaper than AutoCrit or Grammarly by far (they are both $40/month).

it will help you find adverbs, passive voice, filler words, cliches, over-used phrases, repeat sentence starts, corporate writing, readability score, sentence length variance and more.

Janx said:

you start with a long sentence. probably needs a period after Church. Look for your other sentences that seem long and see if you've got complete sentences hiding in them. I'm not big on adverbs anymore, you've only got one.

referencing a cocktail by name didn't do it for me. I don't drink, and I don't know she's a bartender yet. Consider changing the sentence to:
Easier than making a cocktail in her bartending job.

This would reveal something about her backstory, and might entice us to learn more because she's a magic catburglar AND a bartender.

I'm not as good with the line about her sitting there smirking and thinking. It's too reflective, right when there should be action. Go research Scene and Sequel (or read up Deb Chester's The Fantasy Fiction Formula. The gist is the scene is the car accident happening right now, you see the car in front slam on its brakes, you swerve to the right, a kid on the bike is in the way, jerk the wheel to the left and fly off the bridge. To the sequel, where you sit on the shore, shivering, cursing that idiot in the Mazda, wondering what you'll tell your parents about the car. Maybe you can tell them you saved a kid's life, that'll stop the beating.

I'm not as hooked on the opening sentence. Those are tricky, but I try to find a way to reveal the hero in a situation that is surprising and unusual to the reader, so they want to learn more. For instance:
Twenty minutes from now, Nikora needed to be back tending bar, but right now, she had to get into this house or she was as good as dead.

---

That's enough dissection from me. I hope it helps. You can use any bit of my sentence alternates you want, that's what developmental editing does. Welcome back to writing. As you might have guessed, I too am a writer. Got back into it almost two years ago. Learned a ton that I didn't know about. Get that book I mentioned and as Jim Butcher says in the forward, "Shut up and do what Deb tells you." It'll be a lot less painful and you'll learn how to successfully build a book or tell a story before you try your own half-baked way of telling a story and failing.

For the record, I've a few small pieces published since I started and I wrote my novel's first draft my way, and it's a mess. So I am starting over and doing it the Deb Chester way.

Click to expand...

Thanks for your advice, when the mood strikes I'll go and make some changes. I've too have already published...two short stories via Amazon's KDP. This is just something I do when I'm in the mood and have an idea.

Morrus said:

That first paragraph is just a list of statements all in a similar format. It reads more like a bullet point list than prose.

Click to expand...

Well the block does say character bio....and it's a habit that got carried over from my RPG characters lol

Janx said:

I skipped reading that. A reader won't have access to that when they read the book. it could use a few carriage returns.

I have a character questions that I made from Deb's book (she's also a college professor, didn't have templates so I'm sending her mine). be happy to share.

the file's nothing special, but by breaking it down into questions, it'll be easier to read and you can find what element you're looking for to remind you (what's her dad's name so his war buddy gets it right in Chapter 7?)

Another thing to look into, if you're serious about this writing thing... ProWriting Aid. it's $40/year, cheaper than AutoCrit or Grammarly by far (they are both $40/month).

it will help you find adverbs, passive voice, filler words, cliches, over-used phrases, repeat sentence starts, corporate writing, readability score, sentence length variance and more.

Click to expand...

I'm using what I've found online and storing the links on my pintrest https://www.pinterest.com/trappedslider/creative-writingtips-and-tricks-and-ideas/ right now it's just stuff from pintrest itself lol and I found https://www.notebook.ai/for/writers which is handy and it's free for the basics. Oh and I'm already using a setting I put together. http://www.enworld.org/forum/showthread.php?607991-Crystalshore-2-0

So, I rewrote and added a bit more

[sblock]Nikora jumped from her hiding place among the statutes that lined the roof of the church. Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below. She ran and leaped down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Moving next to it she knelt down and laid her right hand on the door. Closing her eyes in concentration her hand began to glow a soft blue and in her mind she could see the mechanism that made up the lock. With a smile forming on her soft lips she started to manipulate the pins in the lock. Easier than making a cocktail, she thought while moving her hand to the door’s handle and pulling up to reveal a ladder leading into darkness. She moved down the ladder making sure to pull the trap door closed and locking it. Once she got to the bottom of the ladder she found herself in a closet.

Opening the door revealed a bedroom. In the middle of the room was a large bed with a few pillows tossed about on it. Directly opposite from the bed was a dresser with a small jewelry box along with a picture on top. Slipping a bag from her back and tossing it on the bed, she said “Home sweet home.” [/sblock]

trappedslider said:

So, I rewrote and added a bit more

[sblock]Nikora jumped from her hiding place among the statutes that lined the roof of the church. Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll. Slowly standing up her eyes found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof. Moving next to it she knelt down and laid her right hand on the door. Closing her eyes in concentration her hand began to glow a soft blue and in her mind she could see the mechanism that made up the lock. With a smile forming on her soft lips she started to manipulate the pins in the lock. Easier than making a cocktail, she thought while moving her hand to the door’s handle and pulling up to reveal a ladder leading into darkness. She moved down the ladder making sure to pull the trap door closed and locking it. Once she got to the bottom of the ladder she found herself in a closet.

Opening the door revealed a bedroom. In the middle of the room was a large bed with a few pillows tossed about on it. Directly opposite from the bed was a dressed with a small jewelry box along with a picture on top. Slipping a bag from her back and tossing it on the bed, she said “Home sweet home.” [/sblock]

Click to expand...

Putting on my editor hat, your sentences 2 and 3 have phrasing that reads as her eyes doing gymnastics, not the character.
"Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll"
Even if I stick a comma between "below" and landing, it sounds like they jumped out to the rooftop, landing with a roll.

"Slowly standing up her eyes"
Probably needs a comma between up and her.

Jokes aside, you've got her body part "eyes" acting as their own character. Which I suspect is not her mutant power. So it reads funny. Try this:
Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below. She ran and leapt down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof.

Give that a ponder, you're free to use my version or obviously come up with your own.

I am assuming this is your story start. Your first sentence has some hook traits, it introduces a situation that the reader has hints of what's going on, but not the whole picture, leaving me to wonder why she's on a church rooftop, what's the mark, because I suspect she's a cat burglar. But, by the next paragraph, it's revealed she's sneaking back into her own room. While funny, this may not be a hooky enough starting scene. it doesn't feel like we're close to the inciting incident. I feel it does demonstrate her competence and hint at her background (bar keep).

Janx said:

Putting on my editor hat, your sentences 2 and 3 have phrasing that reads as her eyes doing gymnastics, not the character.
"Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below landing with a roll"
Even if I stick a comma between "below" and landing, it sounds like they jumped out to the rooftop, landing with a roll.

"Slowly standing up her eyes"
Probably needs a comma between up and her.

Jokes aside, you've got her body part "eyes" acting as their own character. Which I suspect is not her mutant power. So it reads funny. Try this:
Her cold grey eyes locked on the rooftop below. She ran and leapt down, landing with a roll. While rising to her feet, Nikora found the outline of a trap door recessed into the roof.

Give that a ponder, you're free to use my version or obviously come up with your own.

I am assuming this is your story start. Your first sentence has some hook traits, it introduces a situation that the reader has hints of what's going on, but not the whole picture, leaving me to wonder why she's on a church rooftop, what's the mark, because I suspect she's a cat burglar. But, by the next paragraph, it's revealed she's sneaking back into her own room. While funny, this may not be a hooky enough starting scene. it doesn't feel like we're close to the inciting incident. I feel it does demonstrate her competence and hint at her background (bar keep).

Click to expand...

Reading it separate from the rest, you're right..her eyes are alive! The copy you did reads way better, I honestly just went for the cheap laugh in the second paragraph. More than likely, I'll revert it to her breaking into a shop or a house. I also caught a mistake in words "was a dressed" should be "was a dresser" and just set up her home life a little later.

Glad to help a fellow writer out.

I've been super swamped with work, writing has slowed to a crawl. Trying to finish my post-Ragnarok biker cultist short story for an anthology about Angels before deadline this fall.