Hairy Minotaur
Explorer
The sun beat down from above; the trees lining this dirt road offered no protection from the ball of fire that baked them directly overhead. Fresh from wiping out a roaming band of kobolds from the caves of Lavender the pacifistic cheese maker, the party was out searching for the kidnapped daughter of the local duke. The kobolds seemed to know the whereabouts of this important person and this group of adventurers saw before them the source of currency a find like that would grant them.
Up ahead a small path ventured off to the left, or south, while the main road continued on further to the west where it appeared to split at a “Y” intersection. Stories of kidnappings had increased in the prior months; they’d all heard the stories and most associated it with either Highcastle involvement or the ebb and flow of orc movements. Surely a bunch of kobold snots couldn’t formulate a plan as audacious as the taking of a royal heir! Kobolds were creatures the orcs cowed into charging upon the spears of civilization and dying there.
Slyphwhipser saw the signs all around him, the dysfunctional attempt to sweep away tracks on the dirt road. The lack of bird calls in the area, the gnome didn’t need to be a ranger to understand they were walking into a trap. If he could have had silence he could attempt to flush out the presumptuous attackers. Gramps wheezing made that impossible though, the old dwarf wheezed more than a gasket letting off steam.
“Whoa, a foe? Dost the wee one detect an enemy that wishes to engage us in a battle to the death?” Lord Horatius Diphthong announced, rather loudly.
“Yes, and thanks to you and wheezy over there, I’m sure they are fully aware of our presence.” Slyphwhisper responded.
“Who you callin’ wheezy son? I’ve had gas outbursts with more wind than it would take to knock you on yer ass.” Gramps answers.
“You! You’ve been hacking up a lung for the last four miles. If’ you’re going to die hurry it up or you’re going to get us all killed.” Slyphwhisper retorts.
“You watch yer tongue runt, I’ve been doing this job for longer than you’ve been dreaming of becoming a hero.” Gramps answers.
“Can we stop fighting? It’s hot out here and I’m starting to chafe under this brassiere, I’d hate to have to take it off and be unprotected against the forces of evil.” Discordia interjects.
“Don’t you worry lass; I’ll let nothing near you save my shield. I swear upon my beard.” Gramps offers.
“You know why dwarves have beards right? They used to be prehensile when the dwarven race lived among the jungle forests of the north coast. They used to swing from tree to tree with nothing but the strength of their beards to support them. But then one day the elves came and showed them they could swing using vines and rope, so the dwarves stopped using their beard as a mode of travel and slowly the appendage regressed into its earlier form of facial hair. It was this loss of ability that drove the dwarves underground in hiding.” The enermancer offered
“You dissin’ me son? Start preparing your eulogy cause I’m gonna stomp you into.” *cough* *cough* *cough*
“What? It’s coming knowledge.” The enermancer states, “Look it’s all lifeless now.” The enermancer grabs a hold of Gramps’ beard and flaps it around like a rag doll. “Now if this was thousands of years ago, he would be slapping me with this beard but, as you can see, it’s pretty limp.”
“There there Gramps.” Lavender puts a sympathetic arm around the coughing dwarf and leads him to the side of the road.
The kobold ambushers stare in bewilderment, the group of people didn’t know they were there and yet they still seemed to take too much time standing around on the road. Impetuous and twitchy natures got the best of them and those on the north side of the road fired their blowguns prematurely.
Wooden splinters ricochet off the backs of the party as the first salvo was launched.
“We’re under attack!” Slyphwhisper announces.
“I’ll protect you!” Lord Horatius, The enermancer, and Gramps all announce as they move in to protect Discordia.
Blushing, Discordia basks in their attention. “Boys, really. I don’t need all this fighting over me, how about we take care of the critters first? Hmm?” She says stroking the chin of the enermancer.
“Charge!” The enermancer bawls as he rushes headlong down the road.
Lord Horatius Diphthong took the enermancer’s announcement as a challenge and decided he would beat the warrior to the enemy and they both raced off to combat. Gramps however stood his ground.
“Here prized one, genuflect behind me shield of bravery!” Gramps directs Discordia
“What? And hide this body? I think not, I’ve spent far too many decades working out to hide behind a dirty shield. If you want to protect me then you’ll have to dive out in front of me to intercept incoming missiles.” Discordia advises
Slyphwhisper shook his head in disbelief; he secretly hoped the two idiots running face first into a volley of needles would be killed. The gnome broke off from the party and headed into the tree line on the north side of the road, proceeding methodically to move towards the place where the needles were likely shot from. However he pulled up after only a few feet as he spotted two crouching kobolds with shortspears waiting for the rest of the party to move up.
As the enermancer ran up to the blowgun firing location, those kobolds failed their morale check and dropped their guns to turn and run. The enermancer stepped into the tree line and was immediately swept off his feet by a snare trap. Flung thirty feet into the air and then sent crashing back down to the ground through the limbs of smaller trees, the warrior’s body came to rest on a bed of pine needles nearly twenty feet from the road. Lord Diphthong did not fare much better, as he ran past the enermancer and heard the twang of the trap his face was pummeled by a thrown javelin. The weapon smashing his nose and knocking out the top two front teeth in his mouth, Lord Horatius staggered and his knees buckled. The hexblade fell to the ground dazed and confused.
“Oh crap.” Lavender proclaimed as she saw two of the three combat members disappear from her view.
Gramps dropped his insistence that Discordia hide and labored up the road to get a better look at the action. Once he was past the hiding spear-wielding kobolds the creatures leapt out to attack his back. As they did, Slyphwhisper took a swipe at one of them. His blade scored across the back of the kobold and it jumped awkwardly away from its hidden assailant. It had failed to leap to the attack but realized that it was not alone in the woods and began scanning the foliage for its attacker.
The enermancer shook the pine needles from his hair and tried to push himself off of the ground. His chest was on fire and he figured there had to be at least a couple of broken ribs, he only hoped he had not broken a clavicle as he braced himself. The kobolds that had seen the flying warrior stopped escaping to survey the damage. Once they saw him try to get up they figured he was too powerful to deal with and continued to flee through the forest. Lord Horatius wobbled on his haunches as another javelin slammed against his right shoulder and spun the hexblade a half turn in the dirt. Grasping his shoulder in pain, Lord Horatius looked back to see where these missiles were coming from and located a large hairy creature with a stack of javelins slumped against the tree behind him.
What had appeared to be a “Y” in the road was really a split to allow travelers to walk around an old tree instead of moving the tree when the road was created. The beast mocked the hexblade, daring him to stand up and face another aerial onslaught.
“You lard pimping tree chewer! You’re going down.” Lord Horatius challenged the bugbear. The beast let out a guttural laugh and waited for Lord Horatius to ascend to his feet before throwing another javelin. With the hexblade’s attention finally on his attacker he was able to spin away and the missile disappeared in the trees behind him. It was the bugbear’s turn to curse as the hexblade gathered up speed and charged into the creature, nicking his right flank as he was still a tad woozy from the facial blow he had received.
The enermancer fell through the tree line and back onto the road next to where the hexblade had lost two of his teeth, and he began again to pull himself up off of the ground. Gramps turned to face his threat and planted his shield into the ground. Using his massive arms to reach around the shield and harass the kobold who had to move to get across the sides of the shield, coughing and hacking Gramps kept the kobold moving as Lavender shot forth a bolt of scintillating energy into the kobold’s back.
“What the hell was that? I thought you were a pacifist, you been holding out on us?” Discordia complained when she saw Lavender’s attack.
“I did not damage it; I’m trying to put it out of commission.” Lavender replies.
When Discordia saw that the kobold indeed appeared to be unfazed by the blast she turned back to Lavender, “Obviously, are you trying to heal it?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Lavender answered.
“That’s even more ridiculous as neither of them have been damaged. I admit to being entertained by the antics of the dwarf and kobold, but seeing as how neither one of them have been damaged that tactic is pretty stupid. All you’re doing now is showing off and to really do that properly you need to be showing more skin than that frumpy dress.” Discordia replies.
Slyphwhisper watched in amusement as the bewildered kobold poked out his spear in the hope of hitting its attacker. The gnome left the kobold confused and paranoid and darted across the road to flank the kobold who was engaged with Gramps. The gnome sunk his blade into the soft part of its back next to the spine. The kobold screeched and tried to pull the blade free, its drop in guard allowed Gramps to slam his hand ax into the skull of the creature, felling the scaly rodent.
The kobold Slyphwhisper left in the trees was either made of sterner stuff or was too stupid to realize he was horribly outnumbered, but he ran out and tried to jab his spear into the side of the gnome rogue. Missing badly, but forcing Slyphwhisper away from the dwarf, the kobold waved for something behind the dwarf. Turning around, Gramps saw two fetish wearing kobolds standing a top an overturned log twenty feet down the smaller side path to the south.
“Reinforcements!” Gramps cries out and points down the path. Lavender and Discordia step up to peer down the path. The enermancer heard this and assumed the dwarf needed reinforcements and hobbled up the road towards Gramp’s position, leaving Lord Horatius to battle the bugbear solo.
“You, I shall kill you. You tourist tossing nose blaster! And then, when I’m all done, I’m going to set you on fire. How do you like that?” Lord Horatius cursed at his opponent. The bugbear appeared ambivalent to the hexblade’s words.
As the two women peered around the tree line, three kobolds leapt from hiding and began grappling with Discordia. Too close to combat for comfort’s sake, Lavender moved back up or east along the road and too uncertain she could hit a kobold and not the tiefling, Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper instead.
“Ahhh! I’m being assaulted!” Discordia cries out
Gramps moved up and began kicking kobolds off the warlock’s body, once she was clear he hefted her up and they retreated down the side path towards the kobolds standing on the log, once they had reached the halfway point the kobolds on the log went to work. Dual casting sleep spells they dropped the warlock and dwarf onto the ground in a deep slumber.
The loose kobolds quickly regrouped and pounced on the warlock with rope as they attempted to tie her up. Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper again as the gnome disengaged to go prevent the kidnapping of Discordia. The enermancer too ran past the kobold Lavender was blasting and headed straight for the downed adventurers. Once he saw the gnome headed there though, he switched his decision to going after the two kobolds on the log instead.
Lavender now faced an armed kobold that was backing her up the road and further away from help. Lavender blasted the kobold again but the creature barely noticed, “These can’t be kobolds they’re too strong!” she shouted.
Lord Horatius and the bugbear traded blows back and forth each just one good hit away from ending the struggle. Desperate, Lord Horatius unleashed a torrent of words laced with adjectives and verbs that had no business being in the same vocabulary, much less the same sentence. Disorientated by the stream of profanity in a language it didn’t understand, the bugbear lowered its guard enough to allow Lord Horatius a clean strike into its right lung. The hexblade dislodged his blade horizontally across the ribcage and it exited the bugbear with a wet *pop* as the lung collapsed. Wheezing and grasping his chest the bugbear fell to his knees and Lord Horatius divorced its head from its shoulders.
The enermancer issued a war cry and prepared to leap onto the kobolds, he planted his foot but the ground gave way into a pit. The enermancer fell ten feet and landed awkwardly on his ankles, badly twisting them and further injuring his ribcage. The kobolds began casting ray of frost onto the prone enermancer to exacerbate his injures. Slyphwhisper dove at Gramps, tucking his knees into his chest he effectively cannonballed the dwarf and sent the grizzled fighter into shock as he awoke to find himself gasping for air.
Lavender took a nasty cut to her thigh as the kobold stalked her down; the cheese maker fired off another blast at the kobold and again it absorbed it and kept stalking her. Lord Horatius took a wide turn down the path and clipped Lavender’s kobold behind the knees. The blow was sufficient enough to fell the exhausted kobold. Lavender breathed a sigh of relief when the kobold went down and she slowly crept back to the side path.
Slyphwhisper engaged the kobolds who had just finished hog tying Discordia one kobold broke off and went hand-to-hand with the gnome as the other two reptiles began dragging Discordia towards the two shamans manning the downed log. Gramps gripped his chest and turned on his side to cough air into his lungs. The enermancer crawled over to the nearest wall and began a slow climb up the wall on one and half ankles and a worrisome crackle in his lungs when he inhaled.
Lord Horatius, with the visual assist from the enermancer was able to leap across the pit and land chest first on the downed tree. With a loud “oof” he joined Gramps in wheezing instead of breathing. The nearest kobold shoved a dagger into the back of Lord Horatius’s left hand and began to twist it slowly.
“You wart hugging leg lotion, I’m going to turn you into a new pair of boots and not wait before you’re skinned to do it either. Then I’m going to set you on fire!” Lord Horatius spouts.
The kobold leaned in close to the hexblade, “Shh, quit fighting. Just let go and fall back, surely the loss of one friend is not worth the embarrassment I am about to unleash upon you.”
Lord Horatius spat in the kobold’s face, the reptile withdrew the dagger from the hexblade’s hand intent on shoving it into another part of the human’s body. Lord Horatius had other designs however, releasing his stabbed hand he allowed the momentum of his left side falling unsupported to carry his legs up towards the right end of the log and he supplied the final energy to get his body fully onto the log. The startled kobold shaman hissed and reached into a pouch on his belt.
Gramps rolled up into a sitting position and tried to get his bearings, hearing the gnome git hollerin’ ‘bout something he turned and focused his sights on the kidnapping in progress. Slyphwhisper shouted for Lavender to help him stop the fleeing kobolds.
“I can’t, they’re not normal kobolds! I blasted one of them three times and it just stared at me like I was stroking its ego. These kobolds aren’t normal, they’re like super kobolds”* the cheese maker replied.
“How would you know, if you abhor violence?” Slyphwhisper shot back
“Well, I’ve read books on the subject and seen it in the arena” Lavender replied
Gramps was now on his feet and chasing down the dragged body of Discordia. The enermancer made his way up the wall and onto the log opposite Lord Horatius, the kobold nearest the enermancer jumped off the log to the non-pit side and the enermancer could now see the handful of prisoners. He deliberately and gingerly set himself up to flank the remaining shaman on the log with Lord Horatius. Once the kobold knew he was surrounded and looked back at the hexblade, Lord Horatius had a verbal reply for it.
“You crud-infested, cerebrally-challenged, emaciated, hideous, no good miserable goon! I’m about to light your world on fire!” Lord Horatius proclaims.
The kobold throws the contents of his fist that he had in his pouch at Lord Horatius. The stinging sand clinging to his moist eyes like Velcro, Lord Horatius screamed in pain and grabbed his eyes. The enermancer, not wanting to get an eyeful of that, stepped to the side to avoid the throw in case the kobold spun around. However the warrior forgot where he was and stepped out into open air and plunged the now twelve feet to the pit floor. This time striking his head hard against the wall and giving himself a concussion.
The shaman then bull rushed the hexblade to try and knock him into the pit as well. The kobold connected but the hexblade fell on the prisoner side instead. Blinded and pissed off, Lord Horatius started madly swinging his battle axe around in wide arcs; he connected with the downed tree several times, but was unsuccessful in striking a kobold. The dragging kobolds managed to get around the tree and to where the other prisoners were.
Slyphwhisper finished off the kobold he was engaging with a series of feints that brought the kobold to his knees. Gramps followed the path the kobolds took to drag Discordia through the foliage and emerged on the other side of the log. The hexblade was flailing about with a dangerous weapon while the remaining kobolds were loading up the prisoners into a small wagon in safety several feet away from the hexblade.
Gramps, assessing the situation and realizing he had not yet been noticed by the kobolds, headed to the front driver’s side wheel on the wagon and slammed his tower shield onto it, cracking the wheel and dislodging a good sized piece of wood in the process. He then moved to the two worn out horses the kobolds were using to transport the wagon. He silently cursed himself for never understanding the intricacies of knot tying and gave up on trying to free the beasts of burden. Instead he flexed his stomach muscles and called forth a gastric soup of vapors the stench of which hell would not know and unleashed his masterpiece into the nostrils of the horses.
“Let’s go, let’s go!” a kobold called out as it jumped up the front of the wagon and took the reigns, after the last kobold boarded the wagon, the driver snapped the reigns and turned around to focus on the road. He saw one horse retching and the other keel over apparently deceased. The retching horse lurched the wagon forward as best it could but the bad wheel snapped and the body of the prone horse halted all forward movement.
“Hello ugly” Gramps said as he brought his hand ax down upon the shoulder of the driver and severed his arm. The startled kobold flipped off of the wagon of the far side of the dwarf, he only made it a few feet further before he collapsed and bled out.
The last four kobolds faced off against Gramps, Slyphwhisper, and a blind Lord Horatius. The shamans tried to use their ray of frosts on the gnome but he was too quick for them and easily dodged the pale blue rays. Gramps hefted himself up the wagon and squared off against the two non-shaman kobolds as Slyphwhisper made his way towards the shamans. The shamans, without effective weapons resigned themselves to tossing the bodies of the prisoners at the nimble gnome. The rouge used the bodies as living stairs to ascend the wagon and fight the shamans.
The two regular kobolds broke morale and run off into the woods, Gramps advanced to flank the shamans and between Slyphwhisper and himself they took down the shamans without too much trouble. They heard Lord Horatius cussing and yelling as he swung his blade, he sounded a little too happy for someone who eyes were getting rubbed with sand. Upon further inspection the gnome and dwarf saw that Lord Horatius had found a body to attack, unfortunately it was that of a former prisoner who died hog tied and unable to defend themselves from the blind and enraged hexblade.
“Lord High and Mighty. Stop! We’ve killed them all” Gramps called out.
The hexblade lowered his battle axe and sat on the ground while the gnome set off to follow the fleeing kobolds. He chased them for an hour to a wide mouthed cave nearly a mile away. He left the location and dropped pebbles as he doubled back to inform the rest of them where the kobolds were raiding from. While he was gone Gramps and Discordia fished the enermancer out of the pit. Lavender set about healing his wounds much to the displeasure of Lord Horatius.
“Why the hell is he getting healed? He’s the most injured out of all of us and he didn’t see any combat. He got caught in two traps, one of them twice!” The hexblade seethes, “I’m over here hacking up prisoners and he’s trying to commit suicide.”
“Hey repeated head injuries are the primary cause of psionic ability; if you don’t shut up over there I’ll ram my head into that tree a few more times and then blow your brain apart from the inside” The enermancer threatens.
“Really? I say go for it, anything that makes you useful in a fight has got to be an improvement. At least the pansy woman made an attempt to kill some of them” Lord Horatius counters.
“I was not trying to kill any of them, I merely wanted them unconscious. How many times do I need to tell you I am a pacifist?” Lavender replies.
“You keep using that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means” The hexblade answers.
Discordia tended to the prisoners’ sense of loneliness and close platonic relationship with a woman. It was thus with no surprise that most of the prisoners shrugged off Lavender’s healing attempts to hear Discordia perorate on the subject of which metal brassieres offer the best possible lift and separation for the adventure who’s low on funds but needs the extra protection that comes with a metal breastplate. No one noticed that Slyphwhisper had returned for several minutes even with him shouting over Discordia’s voice.
“I found the hideout, maybe we can strike while they’re preparing to come get their cargo back and we can take them all by surprise!” Slyphwhisper shouts excitedly.
“I think the first order of business is to return these prisoners to civilization” Lavender offers.
“What if we unloaded them on a nearby farm and they alerted the proper authorities? That way we could get back here sooner as I am in favor of taking the kobolds by surprise” The enermancer replies.
“Of course you would, because if they’re prepared then that increases the likelihood of you getting into combat and well you can’t handle that” the hexblade offers a dissenting view.
The party decides to return the prisoners to the nearest farm they can find back to the north as they don’t want the added baggage of having to protect the rest of them from another mad hacker episode from Lord Horatius. They surround the prisoners and head back north. Just before dinner they spot a farmhouse and barn to the northeast from the road. Cutting across the wheat field they arrive at the farmstead’s main house. While the male members of the party were intently watching the sweating Discordia pat dry her bosom, Lord Horatius was salivating at the sight of a dilapidated hay barn.
Gramps ascended the porch to knock on the front door.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The hexblade challenged
“Walking up stairs ye lout.” Gramps replied
“I hope you’re not planning on knocking on the door. I’m the noble here don’t you think he would be happier if someone who looked regal addressed him?” Lord Horatius countered
“Who gives a crap? Someone knock on the fricken’ door!” Slyphwhisper called out
Gramps took the door knocker and banged loudly; Lord Horatius tried to shove the dwarf out of the way but only managed to push himself further away from the door.
“Back off old man.” Lord Horatius commanded
“You want my boot up your arse now or when you’re dropping the kids off at the pool?” Gramps responded while shoving the hexblade
“What do you people want?” The farmer asked opening the door just as the hexblade and the dwarf had drawn their fists back in preparation of going a few boxing rounds.
“Sir, we’ve been kidnapped and are seeking refuge for the night so that we might report to the authorities in the morning.” One of the former prisoners spoke up
The look on the farmer’s face went from disgust to astonishment to disbelief and Slyphwhisper spoke up.
“We didn’t kidnap them, we saved them.” The dubious look from the farmer did little to convince the gnome that he was believing them.
“Tis true, we rescued these brave souls from the clutches of a nasty band of kobold raiders, you will be happy to learn that the southern road has been cleaned of their wickedness.” Gramps told the farmer
“I don’t use the south road.” Came the reply
“Well, it’s cleared nonetheless, can we leave our presents here or do you wish to be known as a man who refused to help kidnapped merchants on the way to Virdistan?” Lord Horatius replied
“I don’t go to Virdistan.” The farmer answered
“Look moron, I don’t give a flying rat’s ass if you travel to hell instead, but we can’t take these people into the kobold’s base of operations and expect them to make it out alive.” The hexblade countered
“I thought you said you took care of the kobold problem?” The farmer questioned
“Oh now you pay attention to the conversation?” Lord Horatius threw his hands up in frustration
“Good sir, I believe you are mistaken.” The enermancer started
“Mistaken about what?” The farmer asked
“About your choice of crop, you do know what planting turnips means for us humans right?” the enermancer answered
“What are you talking about?” The farmer insisted
*sigh* the enermancer took a deep breath while shaking his head in disgust, “planting turnips kills a baby for every one you pull up from the ground. Have you not heard of this? It’s all over the Speculative Paranoia Monthly reports you’re committing infanticide out here in the Styx.”
Lord Horatius seized upon the enermancer’s distraction and snuck off towards the barn. His feet seemed to float him there as if he wasn’t really moving but the earth turned to bring the barn to his location. The smell of the dry hay and the heat of the day sent the hexblade into orbital bliss as he reached for a vial of Alchemist’s Fire, then another, and finally another. He let his hands run along the dry support beams holding up a roof that looked more like a goblin’s attempt at a lean-to than a barn roof. His work nearly done, Lord Horatius headed back to the farmhouse where the enermancer still held the farmer’s attention in a vice of improbability.
“Look none of my kids ever died when I pulled up one of those turnips.” The farmer shouted back
“Hey, I never said your babies would be the ones dying, stop putting words in my mouth. By infants I meant human ones in general and by human I of course meant the larval stage, which as everyone is aware are goblins” The enermancer counters, his increasingly outrageous claims had caused the prisoners to cower behind the farmer for fear of their sanity.
“Can we leave them here with you or not? Or do you want him to continue talking?” Lord Horatius said to the farmer referring to the enermancer
“Hmm, well. How are you going to alert the patrols? None of them work the road south of here.” The farmer says
“Easy, we just need a big enough signal fire and they’ll come investigate.” The hexblade explains
“Come investigate and arrest you; murderer.” The enermancer says
“Where are you going to get the supplies needed for a fire of that size?” The farmer inquires
“Hell’s fury flows strong through this house; we shall use that energy to purify your house of the evil deeds you have committed.” The enermancer states
“I was thinking of that dry hay you’ve got stacked up in the barn, it would be perfect.” Lord Horatius answers
“Yes, a perfect pyre for which to end your reign of tyranny!” The enermancer agrees
“Fine as long as you get him to shut up.” The farmer says pointing to the enermancer
“Deal.” The hexblade spits in his hand and the farmer follows and they shake on the deal.
“Let’s go people; we’ve got kobolds to kick.” Lord Horatius announces and heads off the farmer’s porch back towards the wheat field they entered his property through.
“Hey I thought we had a deal?” The farmer shouted
“Your barn’s burning.” Lord Horatius said with a smile as he walked off
*The kobolds had 3-4 levels of warrior (or adept in the case of the shamans)
Up ahead a small path ventured off to the left, or south, while the main road continued on further to the west where it appeared to split at a “Y” intersection. Stories of kidnappings had increased in the prior months; they’d all heard the stories and most associated it with either Highcastle involvement or the ebb and flow of orc movements. Surely a bunch of kobold snots couldn’t formulate a plan as audacious as the taking of a royal heir! Kobolds were creatures the orcs cowed into charging upon the spears of civilization and dying there.
Slyphwhipser saw the signs all around him, the dysfunctional attempt to sweep away tracks on the dirt road. The lack of bird calls in the area, the gnome didn’t need to be a ranger to understand they were walking into a trap. If he could have had silence he could attempt to flush out the presumptuous attackers. Gramps wheezing made that impossible though, the old dwarf wheezed more than a gasket letting off steam.
“Whoa, a foe? Dost the wee one detect an enemy that wishes to engage us in a battle to the death?” Lord Horatius Diphthong announced, rather loudly.
“Yes, and thanks to you and wheezy over there, I’m sure they are fully aware of our presence.” Slyphwhisper responded.
“Who you callin’ wheezy son? I’ve had gas outbursts with more wind than it would take to knock you on yer ass.” Gramps answers.
“You! You’ve been hacking up a lung for the last four miles. If’ you’re going to die hurry it up or you’re going to get us all killed.” Slyphwhisper retorts.
“You watch yer tongue runt, I’ve been doing this job for longer than you’ve been dreaming of becoming a hero.” Gramps answers.
“Can we stop fighting? It’s hot out here and I’m starting to chafe under this brassiere, I’d hate to have to take it off and be unprotected against the forces of evil.” Discordia interjects.
“Don’t you worry lass; I’ll let nothing near you save my shield. I swear upon my beard.” Gramps offers.
“You know why dwarves have beards right? They used to be prehensile when the dwarven race lived among the jungle forests of the north coast. They used to swing from tree to tree with nothing but the strength of their beards to support them. But then one day the elves came and showed them they could swing using vines and rope, so the dwarves stopped using their beard as a mode of travel and slowly the appendage regressed into its earlier form of facial hair. It was this loss of ability that drove the dwarves underground in hiding.” The enermancer offered
“You dissin’ me son? Start preparing your eulogy cause I’m gonna stomp you into.” *cough* *cough* *cough*
“What? It’s coming knowledge.” The enermancer states, “Look it’s all lifeless now.” The enermancer grabs a hold of Gramps’ beard and flaps it around like a rag doll. “Now if this was thousands of years ago, he would be slapping me with this beard but, as you can see, it’s pretty limp.”
“There there Gramps.” Lavender puts a sympathetic arm around the coughing dwarf and leads him to the side of the road.
The kobold ambushers stare in bewilderment, the group of people didn’t know they were there and yet they still seemed to take too much time standing around on the road. Impetuous and twitchy natures got the best of them and those on the north side of the road fired their blowguns prematurely.
Wooden splinters ricochet off the backs of the party as the first salvo was launched.
“We’re under attack!” Slyphwhisper announces.
“I’ll protect you!” Lord Horatius, The enermancer, and Gramps all announce as they move in to protect Discordia.
Blushing, Discordia basks in their attention. “Boys, really. I don’t need all this fighting over me, how about we take care of the critters first? Hmm?” She says stroking the chin of the enermancer.
“Charge!” The enermancer bawls as he rushes headlong down the road.
Lord Horatius Diphthong took the enermancer’s announcement as a challenge and decided he would beat the warrior to the enemy and they both raced off to combat. Gramps however stood his ground.
“Here prized one, genuflect behind me shield of bravery!” Gramps directs Discordia
“What? And hide this body? I think not, I’ve spent far too many decades working out to hide behind a dirty shield. If you want to protect me then you’ll have to dive out in front of me to intercept incoming missiles.” Discordia advises
Slyphwhisper shook his head in disbelief; he secretly hoped the two idiots running face first into a volley of needles would be killed. The gnome broke off from the party and headed into the tree line on the north side of the road, proceeding methodically to move towards the place where the needles were likely shot from. However he pulled up after only a few feet as he spotted two crouching kobolds with shortspears waiting for the rest of the party to move up.
As the enermancer ran up to the blowgun firing location, those kobolds failed their morale check and dropped their guns to turn and run. The enermancer stepped into the tree line and was immediately swept off his feet by a snare trap. Flung thirty feet into the air and then sent crashing back down to the ground through the limbs of smaller trees, the warrior’s body came to rest on a bed of pine needles nearly twenty feet from the road. Lord Diphthong did not fare much better, as he ran past the enermancer and heard the twang of the trap his face was pummeled by a thrown javelin. The weapon smashing his nose and knocking out the top two front teeth in his mouth, Lord Horatius staggered and his knees buckled. The hexblade fell to the ground dazed and confused.
“Oh crap.” Lavender proclaimed as she saw two of the three combat members disappear from her view.
Gramps dropped his insistence that Discordia hide and labored up the road to get a better look at the action. Once he was past the hiding spear-wielding kobolds the creatures leapt out to attack his back. As they did, Slyphwhisper took a swipe at one of them. His blade scored across the back of the kobold and it jumped awkwardly away from its hidden assailant. It had failed to leap to the attack but realized that it was not alone in the woods and began scanning the foliage for its attacker.
The enermancer shook the pine needles from his hair and tried to push himself off of the ground. His chest was on fire and he figured there had to be at least a couple of broken ribs, he only hoped he had not broken a clavicle as he braced himself. The kobolds that had seen the flying warrior stopped escaping to survey the damage. Once they saw him try to get up they figured he was too powerful to deal with and continued to flee through the forest. Lord Horatius wobbled on his haunches as another javelin slammed against his right shoulder and spun the hexblade a half turn in the dirt. Grasping his shoulder in pain, Lord Horatius looked back to see where these missiles were coming from and located a large hairy creature with a stack of javelins slumped against the tree behind him.
What had appeared to be a “Y” in the road was really a split to allow travelers to walk around an old tree instead of moving the tree when the road was created. The beast mocked the hexblade, daring him to stand up and face another aerial onslaught.
“You lard pimping tree chewer! You’re going down.” Lord Horatius challenged the bugbear. The beast let out a guttural laugh and waited for Lord Horatius to ascend to his feet before throwing another javelin. With the hexblade’s attention finally on his attacker he was able to spin away and the missile disappeared in the trees behind him. It was the bugbear’s turn to curse as the hexblade gathered up speed and charged into the creature, nicking his right flank as he was still a tad woozy from the facial blow he had received.
The enermancer fell through the tree line and back onto the road next to where the hexblade had lost two of his teeth, and he began again to pull himself up off of the ground. Gramps turned to face his threat and planted his shield into the ground. Using his massive arms to reach around the shield and harass the kobold who had to move to get across the sides of the shield, coughing and hacking Gramps kept the kobold moving as Lavender shot forth a bolt of scintillating energy into the kobold’s back.
“What the hell was that? I thought you were a pacifist, you been holding out on us?” Discordia complained when she saw Lavender’s attack.
“I did not damage it; I’m trying to put it out of commission.” Lavender replies.
When Discordia saw that the kobold indeed appeared to be unfazed by the blast she turned back to Lavender, “Obviously, are you trying to heal it?”
“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Lavender answered.
“That’s even more ridiculous as neither of them have been damaged. I admit to being entertained by the antics of the dwarf and kobold, but seeing as how neither one of them have been damaged that tactic is pretty stupid. All you’re doing now is showing off and to really do that properly you need to be showing more skin than that frumpy dress.” Discordia replies.
Slyphwhisper watched in amusement as the bewildered kobold poked out his spear in the hope of hitting its attacker. The gnome left the kobold confused and paranoid and darted across the road to flank the kobold who was engaged with Gramps. The gnome sunk his blade into the soft part of its back next to the spine. The kobold screeched and tried to pull the blade free, its drop in guard allowed Gramps to slam his hand ax into the skull of the creature, felling the scaly rodent.
The kobold Slyphwhisper left in the trees was either made of sterner stuff or was too stupid to realize he was horribly outnumbered, but he ran out and tried to jab his spear into the side of the gnome rogue. Missing badly, but forcing Slyphwhisper away from the dwarf, the kobold waved for something behind the dwarf. Turning around, Gramps saw two fetish wearing kobolds standing a top an overturned log twenty feet down the smaller side path to the south.
“Reinforcements!” Gramps cries out and points down the path. Lavender and Discordia step up to peer down the path. The enermancer heard this and assumed the dwarf needed reinforcements and hobbled up the road towards Gramp’s position, leaving Lord Horatius to battle the bugbear solo.
“You, I shall kill you. You tourist tossing nose blaster! And then, when I’m all done, I’m going to set you on fire. How do you like that?” Lord Horatius cursed at his opponent. The bugbear appeared ambivalent to the hexblade’s words.
As the two women peered around the tree line, three kobolds leapt from hiding and began grappling with Discordia. Too close to combat for comfort’s sake, Lavender moved back up or east along the road and too uncertain she could hit a kobold and not the tiefling, Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper instead.
“Ahhh! I’m being assaulted!” Discordia cries out
Gramps moved up and began kicking kobolds off the warlock’s body, once she was clear he hefted her up and they retreated down the side path towards the kobolds standing on the log, once they had reached the halfway point the kobolds on the log went to work. Dual casting sleep spells they dropped the warlock and dwarf onto the ground in a deep slumber.
The loose kobolds quickly regrouped and pounced on the warlock with rope as they attempted to tie her up. Lavender blasted the kobold fighting Slyphwhisper again as the gnome disengaged to go prevent the kidnapping of Discordia. The enermancer too ran past the kobold Lavender was blasting and headed straight for the downed adventurers. Once he saw the gnome headed there though, he switched his decision to going after the two kobolds on the log instead.
Lavender now faced an armed kobold that was backing her up the road and further away from help. Lavender blasted the kobold again but the creature barely noticed, “These can’t be kobolds they’re too strong!” she shouted.
Lord Horatius and the bugbear traded blows back and forth each just one good hit away from ending the struggle. Desperate, Lord Horatius unleashed a torrent of words laced with adjectives and verbs that had no business being in the same vocabulary, much less the same sentence. Disorientated by the stream of profanity in a language it didn’t understand, the bugbear lowered its guard enough to allow Lord Horatius a clean strike into its right lung. The hexblade dislodged his blade horizontally across the ribcage and it exited the bugbear with a wet *pop* as the lung collapsed. Wheezing and grasping his chest the bugbear fell to his knees and Lord Horatius divorced its head from its shoulders.
The enermancer issued a war cry and prepared to leap onto the kobolds, he planted his foot but the ground gave way into a pit. The enermancer fell ten feet and landed awkwardly on his ankles, badly twisting them and further injuring his ribcage. The kobolds began casting ray of frost onto the prone enermancer to exacerbate his injures. Slyphwhisper dove at Gramps, tucking his knees into his chest he effectively cannonballed the dwarf and sent the grizzled fighter into shock as he awoke to find himself gasping for air.
Lavender took a nasty cut to her thigh as the kobold stalked her down; the cheese maker fired off another blast at the kobold and again it absorbed it and kept stalking her. Lord Horatius took a wide turn down the path and clipped Lavender’s kobold behind the knees. The blow was sufficient enough to fell the exhausted kobold. Lavender breathed a sigh of relief when the kobold went down and she slowly crept back to the side path.
Slyphwhisper engaged the kobolds who had just finished hog tying Discordia one kobold broke off and went hand-to-hand with the gnome as the other two reptiles began dragging Discordia towards the two shamans manning the downed log. Gramps gripped his chest and turned on his side to cough air into his lungs. The enermancer crawled over to the nearest wall and began a slow climb up the wall on one and half ankles and a worrisome crackle in his lungs when he inhaled.
Lord Horatius, with the visual assist from the enermancer was able to leap across the pit and land chest first on the downed tree. With a loud “oof” he joined Gramps in wheezing instead of breathing. The nearest kobold shoved a dagger into the back of Lord Horatius’s left hand and began to twist it slowly.
“You wart hugging leg lotion, I’m going to turn you into a new pair of boots and not wait before you’re skinned to do it either. Then I’m going to set you on fire!” Lord Horatius spouts.
The kobold leaned in close to the hexblade, “Shh, quit fighting. Just let go and fall back, surely the loss of one friend is not worth the embarrassment I am about to unleash upon you.”
Lord Horatius spat in the kobold’s face, the reptile withdrew the dagger from the hexblade’s hand intent on shoving it into another part of the human’s body. Lord Horatius had other designs however, releasing his stabbed hand he allowed the momentum of his left side falling unsupported to carry his legs up towards the right end of the log and he supplied the final energy to get his body fully onto the log. The startled kobold shaman hissed and reached into a pouch on his belt.
Gramps rolled up into a sitting position and tried to get his bearings, hearing the gnome git hollerin’ ‘bout something he turned and focused his sights on the kidnapping in progress. Slyphwhisper shouted for Lavender to help him stop the fleeing kobolds.
“I can’t, they’re not normal kobolds! I blasted one of them three times and it just stared at me like I was stroking its ego. These kobolds aren’t normal, they’re like super kobolds”* the cheese maker replied.
“How would you know, if you abhor violence?” Slyphwhisper shot back
“Well, I’ve read books on the subject and seen it in the arena” Lavender replied
Gramps was now on his feet and chasing down the dragged body of Discordia. The enermancer made his way up the wall and onto the log opposite Lord Horatius, the kobold nearest the enermancer jumped off the log to the non-pit side and the enermancer could now see the handful of prisoners. He deliberately and gingerly set himself up to flank the remaining shaman on the log with Lord Horatius. Once the kobold knew he was surrounded and looked back at the hexblade, Lord Horatius had a verbal reply for it.
“You crud-infested, cerebrally-challenged, emaciated, hideous, no good miserable goon! I’m about to light your world on fire!” Lord Horatius proclaims.
The kobold throws the contents of his fist that he had in his pouch at Lord Horatius. The stinging sand clinging to his moist eyes like Velcro, Lord Horatius screamed in pain and grabbed his eyes. The enermancer, not wanting to get an eyeful of that, stepped to the side to avoid the throw in case the kobold spun around. However the warrior forgot where he was and stepped out into open air and plunged the now twelve feet to the pit floor. This time striking his head hard against the wall and giving himself a concussion.
The shaman then bull rushed the hexblade to try and knock him into the pit as well. The kobold connected but the hexblade fell on the prisoner side instead. Blinded and pissed off, Lord Horatius started madly swinging his battle axe around in wide arcs; he connected with the downed tree several times, but was unsuccessful in striking a kobold. The dragging kobolds managed to get around the tree and to where the other prisoners were.
Slyphwhisper finished off the kobold he was engaging with a series of feints that brought the kobold to his knees. Gramps followed the path the kobolds took to drag Discordia through the foliage and emerged on the other side of the log. The hexblade was flailing about with a dangerous weapon while the remaining kobolds were loading up the prisoners into a small wagon in safety several feet away from the hexblade.
Gramps, assessing the situation and realizing he had not yet been noticed by the kobolds, headed to the front driver’s side wheel on the wagon and slammed his tower shield onto it, cracking the wheel and dislodging a good sized piece of wood in the process. He then moved to the two worn out horses the kobolds were using to transport the wagon. He silently cursed himself for never understanding the intricacies of knot tying and gave up on trying to free the beasts of burden. Instead he flexed his stomach muscles and called forth a gastric soup of vapors the stench of which hell would not know and unleashed his masterpiece into the nostrils of the horses.
“Let’s go, let’s go!” a kobold called out as it jumped up the front of the wagon and took the reigns, after the last kobold boarded the wagon, the driver snapped the reigns and turned around to focus on the road. He saw one horse retching and the other keel over apparently deceased. The retching horse lurched the wagon forward as best it could but the bad wheel snapped and the body of the prone horse halted all forward movement.
“Hello ugly” Gramps said as he brought his hand ax down upon the shoulder of the driver and severed his arm. The startled kobold flipped off of the wagon of the far side of the dwarf, he only made it a few feet further before he collapsed and bled out.
The last four kobolds faced off against Gramps, Slyphwhisper, and a blind Lord Horatius. The shamans tried to use their ray of frosts on the gnome but he was too quick for them and easily dodged the pale blue rays. Gramps hefted himself up the wagon and squared off against the two non-shaman kobolds as Slyphwhisper made his way towards the shamans. The shamans, without effective weapons resigned themselves to tossing the bodies of the prisoners at the nimble gnome. The rouge used the bodies as living stairs to ascend the wagon and fight the shamans.
The two regular kobolds broke morale and run off into the woods, Gramps advanced to flank the shamans and between Slyphwhisper and himself they took down the shamans without too much trouble. They heard Lord Horatius cussing and yelling as he swung his blade, he sounded a little too happy for someone who eyes were getting rubbed with sand. Upon further inspection the gnome and dwarf saw that Lord Horatius had found a body to attack, unfortunately it was that of a former prisoner who died hog tied and unable to defend themselves from the blind and enraged hexblade.
“Lord High and Mighty. Stop! We’ve killed them all” Gramps called out.
The hexblade lowered his battle axe and sat on the ground while the gnome set off to follow the fleeing kobolds. He chased them for an hour to a wide mouthed cave nearly a mile away. He left the location and dropped pebbles as he doubled back to inform the rest of them where the kobolds were raiding from. While he was gone Gramps and Discordia fished the enermancer out of the pit. Lavender set about healing his wounds much to the displeasure of Lord Horatius.
“Why the hell is he getting healed? He’s the most injured out of all of us and he didn’t see any combat. He got caught in two traps, one of them twice!” The hexblade seethes, “I’m over here hacking up prisoners and he’s trying to commit suicide.”
“Hey repeated head injuries are the primary cause of psionic ability; if you don’t shut up over there I’ll ram my head into that tree a few more times and then blow your brain apart from the inside” The enermancer threatens.
“Really? I say go for it, anything that makes you useful in a fight has got to be an improvement. At least the pansy woman made an attempt to kill some of them” Lord Horatius counters.
“I was not trying to kill any of them, I merely wanted them unconscious. How many times do I need to tell you I am a pacifist?” Lavender replies.
“You keep using that word, but I don’t think it means what you think it means” The hexblade answers.
Discordia tended to the prisoners’ sense of loneliness and close platonic relationship with a woman. It was thus with no surprise that most of the prisoners shrugged off Lavender’s healing attempts to hear Discordia perorate on the subject of which metal brassieres offer the best possible lift and separation for the adventure who’s low on funds but needs the extra protection that comes with a metal breastplate. No one noticed that Slyphwhisper had returned for several minutes even with him shouting over Discordia’s voice.
“I found the hideout, maybe we can strike while they’re preparing to come get their cargo back and we can take them all by surprise!” Slyphwhisper shouts excitedly.
“I think the first order of business is to return these prisoners to civilization” Lavender offers.
“What if we unloaded them on a nearby farm and they alerted the proper authorities? That way we could get back here sooner as I am in favor of taking the kobolds by surprise” The enermancer replies.
“Of course you would, because if they’re prepared then that increases the likelihood of you getting into combat and well you can’t handle that” the hexblade offers a dissenting view.
The party decides to return the prisoners to the nearest farm they can find back to the north as they don’t want the added baggage of having to protect the rest of them from another mad hacker episode from Lord Horatius. They surround the prisoners and head back north. Just before dinner they spot a farmhouse and barn to the northeast from the road. Cutting across the wheat field they arrive at the farmstead’s main house. While the male members of the party were intently watching the sweating Discordia pat dry her bosom, Lord Horatius was salivating at the sight of a dilapidated hay barn.
Gramps ascended the porch to knock on the front door.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The hexblade challenged
“Walking up stairs ye lout.” Gramps replied
“I hope you’re not planning on knocking on the door. I’m the noble here don’t you think he would be happier if someone who looked regal addressed him?” Lord Horatius countered
“Who gives a crap? Someone knock on the fricken’ door!” Slyphwhisper called out
Gramps took the door knocker and banged loudly; Lord Horatius tried to shove the dwarf out of the way but only managed to push himself further away from the door.
“Back off old man.” Lord Horatius commanded
“You want my boot up your arse now or when you’re dropping the kids off at the pool?” Gramps responded while shoving the hexblade
“What do you people want?” The farmer asked opening the door just as the hexblade and the dwarf had drawn their fists back in preparation of going a few boxing rounds.
“Sir, we’ve been kidnapped and are seeking refuge for the night so that we might report to the authorities in the morning.” One of the former prisoners spoke up
The look on the farmer’s face went from disgust to astonishment to disbelief and Slyphwhisper spoke up.
“We didn’t kidnap them, we saved them.” The dubious look from the farmer did little to convince the gnome that he was believing them.
“Tis true, we rescued these brave souls from the clutches of a nasty band of kobold raiders, you will be happy to learn that the southern road has been cleaned of their wickedness.” Gramps told the farmer
“I don’t use the south road.” Came the reply
“Well, it’s cleared nonetheless, can we leave our presents here or do you wish to be known as a man who refused to help kidnapped merchants on the way to Virdistan?” Lord Horatius replied
“I don’t go to Virdistan.” The farmer answered
“Look moron, I don’t give a flying rat’s ass if you travel to hell instead, but we can’t take these people into the kobold’s base of operations and expect them to make it out alive.” The hexblade countered
“I thought you said you took care of the kobold problem?” The farmer questioned
“Oh now you pay attention to the conversation?” Lord Horatius threw his hands up in frustration
“Good sir, I believe you are mistaken.” The enermancer started
“Mistaken about what?” The farmer asked
“About your choice of crop, you do know what planting turnips means for us humans right?” the enermancer answered
“What are you talking about?” The farmer insisted
*sigh* the enermancer took a deep breath while shaking his head in disgust, “planting turnips kills a baby for every one you pull up from the ground. Have you not heard of this? It’s all over the Speculative Paranoia Monthly reports you’re committing infanticide out here in the Styx.”
Lord Horatius seized upon the enermancer’s distraction and snuck off towards the barn. His feet seemed to float him there as if he wasn’t really moving but the earth turned to bring the barn to his location. The smell of the dry hay and the heat of the day sent the hexblade into orbital bliss as he reached for a vial of Alchemist’s Fire, then another, and finally another. He let his hands run along the dry support beams holding up a roof that looked more like a goblin’s attempt at a lean-to than a barn roof. His work nearly done, Lord Horatius headed back to the farmhouse where the enermancer still held the farmer’s attention in a vice of improbability.
“Look none of my kids ever died when I pulled up one of those turnips.” The farmer shouted back
“Hey, I never said your babies would be the ones dying, stop putting words in my mouth. By infants I meant human ones in general and by human I of course meant the larval stage, which as everyone is aware are goblins” The enermancer counters, his increasingly outrageous claims had caused the prisoners to cower behind the farmer for fear of their sanity.
“Can we leave them here with you or not? Or do you want him to continue talking?” Lord Horatius said to the farmer referring to the enermancer
“Hmm, well. How are you going to alert the patrols? None of them work the road south of here.” The farmer says
“Easy, we just need a big enough signal fire and they’ll come investigate.” The hexblade explains
“Come investigate and arrest you; murderer.” The enermancer says
“Where are you going to get the supplies needed for a fire of that size?” The farmer inquires
“Hell’s fury flows strong through this house; we shall use that energy to purify your house of the evil deeds you have committed.” The enermancer states
“I was thinking of that dry hay you’ve got stacked up in the barn, it would be perfect.” Lord Horatius answers
“Yes, a perfect pyre for which to end your reign of tyranny!” The enermancer agrees
“Fine as long as you get him to shut up.” The farmer says pointing to the enermancer
“Deal.” The hexblade spits in his hand and the farmer follows and they shake on the deal.
“Let’s go people; we’ve got kobolds to kick.” Lord Horatius announces and heads off the farmer’s porch back towards the wheat field they entered his property through.
“Hey I thought we had a deal?” The farmer shouted
“Your barn’s burning.” Lord Horatius said with a smile as he walked off
*The kobolds had 3-4 levels of warrior (or adept in the case of the shamans)
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