Dr. Seuss Competition - WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

On January 1st, it will be exactly three years since EN World was created. Over the last three years, the site has changed enormously, the most notable change being in August 2001 when EN World became the new home of these messageboards and the daily news.

So, in celebration of three great years, I'm holding a competition. This is inspired partly by Teflon Billy's very successful Haiku competition, partly by Mark's ENWorldian Rhapsody (and his "How the Grinch Stole Gaming", which I imagine you'll see soon - I had a sneak preview) and partly by Doomsdaisy's excellent entry in Nutkinland's Celebrity Orc and Pie thread.

First, the prizes...

There will be 3 prizes - 1st, 2nd and 3rd place. The winners will be chosen by me and whoever happens to be at my house at the time. The prizes are as follows:

1st prize - $100 gift certificate at the EN World shop.

2nd prize - $50 gift certificate at the EN World shop.

3rd prize - $25 gift certificate at the EN World shop.

You'll be able to use the gift certificates to buy anything you like from the shop, but you will have to cover shipping yourself as part of the allocated amount.

The competition..

Your entry must be posted in this thread before EN World's 3rd year anniversary, which is 1st January 2003. More specifically, the deadline is 31st December, 2002, 12am GMT (that's 6pm US Central Time - you'll have to figure out what it is in your time zone). No exceptions.

You must post a Dr. Seuss style item about EN World and/or the D&D/D20 online community as a whole of 400 words minimum (although the longer it is, the more likely it is to win, assuming it's good!). I have found this page which you may use for reference or inspiration (it's a Dr. Seuss parody site):

http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.parody.html

Good luck! And, most importantly, have fun!

Note - please keep this thread clear for competition entries only. Any questions or discussion can be posted in the Competition Discussion Thread: http://enworld.cyberstreet.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=32223

One wish, two wish,
Said wish, blew wish.
Three wish, four wish,
Made wish, poor wish.

This one gave me endless riches,
owned by lots of friendless liches.
Hey! That's not what I meant ...
I guess I'll have to use more wishes!

This one made me really smart,
The kind of smart with whips and darts.
Ouch! Let's not try that again ...
Perhaps a wish to just depart!

Here they come,
The liches come.
I'll wish my wishes,
And then be done.

My third wish, and losing count,
Make me a mighty mount!
Oh no! Oh no! Is that a tail?
I didn't want to BE the mount!

"What about wish number four?"
Asked the genie, of ancient lore,
"Would you like just one wish more?"

"Neigh!"

"Nay you say?
You say nay?
Okay then, friend...
Have a nice day!"

Here's my first entry. I can't figure out how to get the lines to not left justify other than by using a string of periods, so I'll do it that way for now.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

IF DR. SEUSS WROTE THE KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE

B.A.: You've been traveling through the Vast Jungles of Glear
........And the primitive natural beauty is clear.
........There are ruins ahead, hidden by leaf and vine.
........In the shadows they hide, where the sun cannot shine.
........The monkeys cavorting above you seem vexed--

BOB: Hey, B.A., let's dispense with the flavor text.
.......Of your fancy descriptions there's never a lack
.......But you're sadly behind in the Quotient of Hack.

B.A.: All right, moving on, you can see up ahead
........Standing all by himself in the Halls of the Dead
........A lone lizardman druid with paint on his face
........You can sense that he's filled with compassion and grace.

SARA: Oh good, here's a chance to use my parley skills.

BRIAN: No way! He's the next of Teflon Billy's kills.
..........Just think of the E.P.s! Why, I can just taste 'em!

BOB: Too late! He's all mine! With my crossbow I waste him!

BRIAN: Firk ding nabbit, Bob! Those E.P.s were all mine!
..........But I'll have my revenge: fireball coming online!

SARA: Well, now hold it, Big Guy! Let's have no more in-fighting!

BRIAN: Too bad; Knuckles' face is just way too inviting!

B.A.: Are you doing it, Brian? Are you casting the spell?

SARA: Don't do it, Brian!

BRIAN: Are you kidding? Like hell!
..........I'm sick of that butt-monkey giving me grief!
..........Everyone, say goodbye to Knuckles the Thief!

B.A.: Bob, roll a d20, and please roll it well.
........We need to know if Knuckles saves vs. spell.

BOB: Crap! I rolled a 1! Poor old Knuckles is screwed!
.......I can't believe it!

DAVE: Man, you were robbed, dude!

B.A.: I'm sorry to say, Brian's tactics were strange.
........I'm afraid that the rest of the party's in range.
........It sure feels like I'm dealing with mental midgets:
........Knuckles is dead; you're all in single digits!

BOB: Avenge me, El Ravager!

DAVE: No problem, dude!

SARA: Are you sure about that? That may not be real shrewd.

DAVE: Don't worry, I'll take Teflon Billy myself.
........ Remember, I've got a Hackmaster +12!

BRIAN: Well, bring it on, then! Let me see your best shot!

DAVE: Oh, you're going to see all the power I've got!

BRIAN: I'm ready to learn, if you think you can teach me.
..........But before you can hit me, you've first got to reach me!

DAVE: Big deal! I step up and I lop off your head!

BRIAN: Not so fast there, Dave! Deal with Sara, instead!

SARA: Who me? No you don't! Leave me out of your fight!

BRIAN: Too late, I'm invoking my Ring of Brain Might!
..........Your will is now mine; you are under my thrall
..........So attack El Ravager, and give it your all!

SARA: Very well, Brian, I'll do as you say.
.........I suppose it's my only real chance to roleplay!
.........With a look of surprise, I turn toward El Rav--

DAVE: And my big-ass sword takes all the hit points you have!

B.A.: I'm sorry, there, Sara, it's sad but it's true:
........With Dave's +12 bonus, he cuts you in two!

SARA: I figured as much.

DAVE: All right!

BOB: Hoody hoo!

DAVE: You're next, Teflon Billy! I'm coming for you!

BRIAN: I'll never survive an attack from Dave's sword
..........So I'll use a defense that is mostly ignored.
..........I'm casting a fireball spell at my feet.
..........I'm taking you with me, Dave!

DAVE: Crap!

BRIAN: This is sweet!

B.A.: I just don't know, Brian, what goes on in your head.
........Even if you both save, both the PCs are dead!

BRIAN: Wow, I killed the whole party, right off the bat.
..........Just how many E.P.s do I get for that?

SARA: When all's said and done, I've just one thing to say:
.........It seems like our campaigns all end up this way!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Johnathan

On behalf of my player Sialia (and with her okay), I am linking the wonderful A is for Azathoth, her tribute to Dr. Seuss' alphabet book mixed in with d20 Call of Cthulhu. And yes, there's an entry for all 26 letters - but because there are original drawings for each entry, I'll link instead of reposting!

EDIT - Mythago, since this thread is for entries only, I deleted your comment - but thank you for the excellent point! CoC is absolutely d20 now. I should have done the math myself.

The Munchkin

I’m DM.

DM I am.

Now make a PC, won’t you Sam?

Oooh! Can I, can I be Undead?
A vampire maybe, one to dread?

You cannot be a vampire, Sam!
Try something living if you can.

Hmmm. Maybe I would like to try
An elf with wings! Great wings to fly!

You cannot possess wings to fly.
It’s a balance issue, that is why.
Use your feet to get around.
Your PC must stay on ground!

A mount then. Yes! A jet-black mare.
She’ll take me here, and take me there--

Now you’re thinking, yes indeed.
I like the concept of your steed!

--and she’ll breathe fire, and have claws,
and she’ll crush armor in her jaws!
None of our foes will have a chance
As we charge with my +5 lance!

A +5 lance?? A dragon horse???
For first level you’re way off course!
Try a druid of beast and flower.
Work your way to greater power!

A druid you say? With wildshape?
Why, I could be a dire ape!

A dire ape? Could be a while...
Perhaps a rogue is more your style.

A rogue? No. Bard? No. This is hard!
Perhaps I’ll be a vile Blackguard!
Evil as the long dark night,
I’ll fight for darkness, not the light!

One, this class is a Prestige,
(My brain feels like it’s under siege).
Two, a character with such loose morals
Is bound to start some party quarrels!

It’s not that your idea’s lame,
It just won’t work within my game.

Too evil, huh? I guess you’re right.
Best not to start a PC fight.
A fighter then. One with a sword.
With hopes to find a dragon’s hoard!

A concept and quest to boot!
Stay focused and you’ll get your loot.
A fighter with a sword. How nice!
Now grab a pen, and roll them dice!

Just roll your stats, tie up loose ends
And I’ll go help our other friends.

Oh crap! oh crap! I rolled a three!
But wait! The others did not see.
Before he comes, it’s not to late
To make that three look like an eight!
A lonely eight...well that’s no fun.
So to it’s left, I’ll add a one!

An eighteen! Look, it’s plain as day!
DM! DM! What do you say?

I say you’re lucky Sam, well done!
Now roll the rest and have some fun!

He’s gone again, but I’ll roll straight.
But not d6’s! Four d8!
Four d8, and toss the low.
This is sure the way to go.

Strength, Dex, Con and Int and Wis.
Straight eighteens!! How sweet it is!
But five eighteens may seem suspicious,
And go against my DM’s wishes...

But if I must, it’ll have to be:
I’ll write Charisma in as three!
With my Charisma being so low
Why, only chance could make it so!

And if this one’s random, then so rest.
I think this logic will pass the test.
I’m done DM! My sheet’s complete!
Down to every Skill and Feat!

Now let me see this fighter-chap...
FIVE EIGHTEENS??? WHAT?? HOLY CRAP!!
You cheated, here it’s plain to see--
But wait...Charisma’s at a three.

(If he’s been cheating everywhere,
Then why not eighteen? Why not there??)

You’ve won this time, my Munchkin friend.
You’ve won. You’ve won. I’m at wit’s end.

My PCs great, there is no doubt.
But greater PCs are about...
I know I’m right, I’ll stake my life
That the best PC’s the DMs wife!

Rat Bastard

by Sagiro

(Like all things Seussian, this should be read aloud for full effect.)

--

Here is a tale of adventuring glory
Of Heroes from pages of old song and story.
They wielded their swords and they wiggled their fingers.
(The fingers belonging to savvy spell slingers.)

They delved into dungeons fair dripping with slime.
They hacked without reason, they slashed without rhyme.
They found what was dwelling in dingy dark places
And squashed it with great gleeful grins on their faces.

“I think I hear voices,” the sorceress said.
“It might be a ogre, an orc or undead.”
“Barbarian smash!” cried the unthinking Krusk.
“I’ll punch it with fist and I’ll crunch it with tusk!”

“You shouldn’t get near it,” the cleric implored.
“You’re bound to be paralyzed, pummeled or gored.
“I’ll stand way back here and I’ll Turn it with zeal,
“Or drop a blade barrier, flame strike or heal.”

“Make way!” shouted Tordek, a fighter most frightening.
“I’ve strength like a bull and reflexes like lightning!
Not ghoul, ghost or goblin will stand when I’m through.
My blade’s all aflame… and I’m Specialized, too!”

But the four of them stopped, rendered useless and dumb
For the wizard cast time stop, then twiddled her thumbs
For a moment, regarding the foe in the dark,
Then unleashed a meteor swarm on a lark.

“I think that should do it,” she said with a grin.
“In a few seconds time the time-stream will kick in
And whatever that is will be Monster-On-Toast;
We’ll have Ogre Flambé served with Orcish Rump Roast.”

The Heroes watched merrily, Meteors bursting.
They dreamed of rich riches for which they were thirsting:
Of Headbands of Intellect, platinum bars,
Of Objects d’art and gold-plated cigars,

Of jewelry and gemstones and crystalline dishes,
Of swords that were Vorpal and Rings stuffed with Wishes,
And Boots that would let you (when properly laced)
Start Springing and Striding all over the place.

The fires died down as they watched and they waited.
They waited and watched with their breath all a-bated.
The smoke slowly cleared and quite clearly it showed
Them a tragically terrible tableaux of woe!

The treasure was melted to moltenous slag!
A puddle of goo where there once had been swag!
There might have been magic, there could have been coins.
“I feel like,” groaned Krusk, “I’ve been kneed in the groin.”

And worse than the graveyard of gloppulous treasure,
Worse still than the wasting of wealth beyond measure,
A small grinning figure stood over the hoard,
Half kobold, half-halfling, half-brother of Kord

“I wanted to help you,” the little man sighed.
“You could have been wealthy, well-dressed and supplied.
You could have been Godlings of true Epic scale
And held your own Relic and Artifact Sale.”

“Now look at this ruin! Is this what you planned?
That smear was a Ring of Demonic Command!
The splinters you stand on? The Staff of Vu’Varts,
That blasted undead ‘til it snowed undead parts!

A Rod of Cold Fusion! Pelor’s Bandoliers!
A Harp that would move a Black Pudding to tears!
A Puce Ioun Stone that would triple your speed!
A +7 Codpiece! A +13 Thneed!

You blew up a lifetime of magical widgets,
And now you must fight me. My hit points? Six digits!
My damage reduction is 50/+12
I cannot be harmed by dwarves, humans or elves.

You’re rolling Initiative? That’s what you said?
Don’t bother. It’s over. You’re already dead.
And the lesson you’ve hopefully learned from your crime?
Diplomacy works – you should try it sometime.”

The silence that followed was nearly complete,
Except for the crumpling of character sheets.
The DM looked ‘round. Was he feigning surprise
at the murderous menace in each player’s eyes?

The players all quietly set down their dice.
The DM gulped, “Hey, don’t you like good advice?
Wasn’t it challenging? Wasn’t I cunning?”
“Rat Bastard,” they said, “we advise you start running.”

The End.

(- editorial credit to my fiancee Kodiak.)

Here's my first stab at it...

If you want to kill a dragon,
Or simply raise a flagon,
At the local dwarfish tavern,
But you’re trapped inside a cavern…

Then you wade into the fighting,
Even as the beast is biting,
And you hope your cleric’s smiting,
While your wizard’s throwing lightning…

When a goblin horde attacks,
So you try to watch your backs,
And dodge the goblins’ whacks,
While wearing heavy packs…

Now you’re running back to town,
Feet pounding on the ground,
The goblins following your sound,
Growing closer every bound…

When the city guards appear,
As the horde is getting near,
And the defenders’ horses rear,
As they charge in without fear…

When the battle’s good and won,
Then you head back for some rum,
And tell stories of the fun,
Even though you’re glad it’s done!

(btw - I vote for the post above - it's great )

EDIT: Yes, I know it's much less than 400 words, but I had fun writing it anyways...

Penned in by a dragon - he did NOT want to play. So we sat in that cavern and cried that whole day. . I sat there with Memnos. We sat there, we two. And I said "How I wish you'd a spell left, or two." Too hurt to go out, and no allies to call. So we sat in that cavern. We did nothing at all.

So all we could do was to
Sit!
....Sit!
.........Sit!
...............Sit!
And we did not like it.
Not one little bit.

And then something sighed. (My Listen check's high)
We looked, and we saw the secret door on the side!
We looked! And we saw him: The Orc with the Pie!

And he said to us, "Now that you've found me, am I to die?"
" Yes," I said, "Orc, then we'll take your pie!"

"But you can't!" said the orc, who looked quite terrified. "I know something you don't: how to get you outside! I can get you outside!" said the Orc with the Pie. "There's only one way, and I will show it to you. The dragon won't get you at all if I do!"

Then Memnos and I did not know what to say. Should we trust this orc? Might he save the day?

But my sword said, "No! No! That orc we should flay! Tell that Orc with the Pie he can't lead you astray. You should not trust him, for all orcs are louts. Kill him! Take his pie! Find your own way out!"

"Now! Now! Don't do that. Don't do that !" said the orc. ""I'm a trustworthy guy ," said the Orc with the Pie. "And also, the maze, beyond, is complex, don't you see? And the only way through is known only by me!

"Cut him down!" urged the sword. "Orcs are liars, and plus, cutting orcs down is my special purpose!"

"Now listen here!" said the orc. "I won't lead you astray. I will lead you straight on - you'll get straight away!. We'll take the first right, and then the left fork, but there are more turns past those," said the pie-holding orc.

"Listen here! Listen here now!" said Memnos the Mage. "You can be sure that this orc is no sage." And then Memnos the Mage gave a sly sort of wink(that was often his signal that he'd started to think) "He might know two turns: a right then a left fork, but why would a way through this maze be known by this orc? No, if there's one stupid race in this world, it's the orc - I'm sure he'd get lost at the very next fork!"

"I am NOT stupid. My IQ is high. And now I shall prove it," said the Orc with the Pie.

"Listen here! Listen Here! Listen here now! It's an easy way out, but you have to know how. After the right and the left, it's the third left you take (The second left leads to a big giant snake) We'll see a shelf with some books! And one is a fake! It opens a passage guarded by a big clay man! But don't worry - the password is written on the back of my hand! We'll shout it out loud as we run down the hall!
And that is the way. Oh, yes. It's not hard at all."

That is what the orc said...
Then towards us he tread.
Puffed up quite proudly, he strode from the wall.
And then Memnos and I - We saw his face fall.

My sword saw it too, and got warm (almost hot). It said "Can we please kill him now? I'd like to, a lot! We know the way out, and need him no more! To leave him alive would show form that's quite poor!

"We could give him a break," said I to my sword, but Memnos the Mage reacted with scorn.

"Now see here, Ranger! He helped us, 'tis true. He showed us the maze, then told the way through. He told us the way to the book that is fake, and how to avoid that big giant snake. We know that the password on the back of his hand will let us pass by where the clay golem stands. But he'll run to the dragon, if we leave him alive, so you cut him down, and we'll share his pie. "

And then, I'm afraid, I didn't know what to say - My moral qualms still stood in the way. But that pie sure looked good - and I'd not eaten in days.

"Oh please, human sir, I do not wish to die. I do not wish to die, " Said the Orc with the Pie."

So I said to the orc, "If you give us your pie, I'll let you live, since I'm such a nice guy."

Did my sword like this plan? Oh, no it did not! "You owe me this," said the sword, sounding quite hot. Then it said in my ear, "I've fought for you faithfully, year after year. And if to this one thing you still say 'no', then I regretfully say that I'M now in control."

And so with a motion I couldn't stop if I tried, I cut off the head of the Orc with the Pie.

My sword, now sated with the blood of an orc, relinquished control. The mage pulled out two forks. He handed me one as took up the pastry. "Eat quickly," he said, "Our escape must be hasty!"

And then I did not know what to do. The orc had helped us, then I'd cut him in two. But the pie looked so good, filled with berries of blue. What should I do? Oh, what SHOULD I do? Well what would you do, if it were offered to YOU?

Oh, the Monsters You'll Slay!!!

Oh, the monsters you'll slay!

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to the dungeon!
To pillage and slay!

You have feats you perform
You have skills in on your sheet
You can cast spells of magic
And have foes to defeat!
You're not on your own. There's your party in tow.
And together you'll venture to the warrens below.

You'll look up and down hallways. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "There's no treasure down there."
With those feats you perform and those skills on your sheet,
You're too smart to settle for non-magical treats.

And you may not find much
Loot on the first floor.
In that case, of course,
You'll descend where there's more.

It's darker down there
At the foot of the stairs...

Down there Things are hungry
And frequently are
For Heros as foolish
And brave as you are.

And when Things spring an ambush
Don't worry. Don't stew.
Just carve through their necks
With your vorpal plus two.

OH!
THE MONSTERS YOU'LL SLAY!

You'll carve them all up!
You'll send them to Hells!
You'll flank them and sneak them
And destroy with your spells.

You won't fall disabled, because you have that Item.
The one that drains life from those Things as you fight 'em.
Whenever you hit, you'll become even stronger.
Whenever you kill, you will live even longer.

Except when you can't.
Because, this time, you shan't...

I'm delighted to say so
and, Hero, it's true
that something quite Evil
has happened to you.

You pilfered that Item
from the Temple of Zor.
Now your essence is mine
Your essence...and more.

As you fall to cold stone
And feel that cold sting,
My dark, umbral magic
Has created a Thing.

And as you rise again,
You're in for a treat.
For now it's your party
Who will taste the defeat.

You will chase them to levels where the paths are not clear.
You will see them in shadows. And feed from their fear.
In places befouled by the Evil of Zor!
Do they dare to fight back? Do they dare to steal more!?
How far can they run? Do they know the right lore?

And IF they beseech you to lay down your blade...
To holster your vorpal... To end your crusade...
Or reclaim your essence, to wrest it from me?
Simple, it's not, I'm afraid you will see,
For the Hero-now-Thing to betray my decree!

You can get so confused
that your soul will go mad
in torment to think of companions you had...
Liars, and cheaters, who've made you do bad
to the Things of my dungeon--and more you shall add.
You SHALL add...

...your friends to my Things.
Things which slay the innocent
or steal from those who hoard their cent
or don the blasphemer's raiment
or those who find their souls are spent
or worship me to this extent
or make a Hero's fool descent...
Everyone will know my Things.

Things which spit on human trust
or tempt the weak with mortal lust
or delight in that which does combust
or laugh as cities fall to dust
or mock those who feel they're just
or watch these mighty warriors rust
or make a Hero's fool sword-thrust...
Everyone will know my Things.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
All this madness and death.
You'll return to your party
and regain your breath.

With your vorpal steel gleaming
you'll hold your sword high!
Ready for anything my Things may try.
Ready because you're a high-level guy!

Oh, the monsters you'll slay! There is work to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are fights to be won.
And the incredible whirlwinds you make with that sword
will make you a most famous Hero, milord.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be
with all kingdoms singing the ballads of Thee.

Except when they can't.
Because, this time, they shan't...

I'm afraid that while you
and your party descended,
my Things have insured
these kingdoms had ended.

All Corrupted!
Whether you like it or not,
Corrupted is something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're corrupted, there's an excellent chance
you'll become Things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are Creatures down here, who live for destruction,
with powers to insure there'll be no resurrection.

And you will succumb
Though your heart may be pure.
You will succumb
of this I am sure.
You will succumb
as you have to my lure.
Downward through many
a frightening shock,
as your mind becomes thinner
and your heart becomes rock.

Down and down you will fall.
And I know you'll fall far
Chased by this evil
Wherever you are.

You'll give up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll give up
When you see what I've done as you go.
Be sure as you tread
to remember your role
in your homeland's demise
in the pit of your soul.
Just never forget that when you stole my Item,
You bestowed Zor on your world and you're too late to fight him.

And will you be damned?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
WAIT, YOU ROLLED A NINETY-NINE!?

No...
You've been blessed by the luck of an impertinent die!?
I worked hard on this villain! Damn! Why, O, why???
You ruined his spell!
Let me see those dice!
Fine, you destroy Zor...

Dude...that was nice.