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Subtle an Enemies Abound onto someone for hilarious shenanigans where ever you are.

Mountain Dwarf Favored Soul, low CHA max STR, you can utilize Booming Blade this way and self buffs. Take Heavy Armor feat at lvl 4.

So its pretty easy if you think about the problem. First you need to deal with the simulacrum; just ask the DM how a 17 Sorcerer / 3 warlock got access to a 7th level spell that iss not on either of their lists. This will result in the simulacrum disappearing. Next, 18 Lore Bard / 2 Diviner...

Turn his "coffeelock" into a coffeepot! All you need is a lvl 2 diviner wizard and dimension door close enough then cast True Polymorph on him. Take the encounter once you have a low enough roll on your portent dice and force the true polymorph to stick.