Closure with letter writing exercise. ADVICE NEEDED

OK, so a while ago my therapist told me I should try writing a letter to my ex. to help with dealing with my feelings and closure (ya know, one that I may not ever even send him). I've had things running through my head for a while, lots of issues I have with how things went, but I can't seem to write the letter. It's hard enough having all that stuff in my mind, but putting into words on paper, seeing it in black & white... for some reason it terrifies me.
Has anybody ever had to do this themselves? Any tips? How do I get started? How do get into the mind set/mood to write such a difficult thing? What color ink do I use (ok, that's kinda a joke, but even that I can't decide on )? I bought 2 red notebooks just for this, so I can write the letter, that could be sent to him, and then make a copy for myself just in case. That's all I've got though. Any help, advice, and/or just good thoughts are really, really appriciated. Thanks bunches.

I just sat down and brainstormed. Once the writing starting I found that it just flowed out, all sorts of emotions just came to the top and my writing hand barely was able to keep up.

Some people have accused me of being too paranoid about things in the past (although they usually admit I've had plenty of reasons in life to be that way), so I will warn you of that before I give my advice so you can weigh it all together....

I would say: Skip it. The exercise is out-security as all-get-out - who knows what sort of use a copy of that letter could be used for later, especially if you really get going, get emotional, and aren't verbalizing yourself the best you can? At best, its something that can be showed around that might make you look foolish, and at worst, it might be evidence. :\

Make the phone call, instead. Or, if you weren't going to mail the letter, put a picture of them up on a wall and have the conversation aloud. Same thing, and no records to possibly embarass you later.

(Well, unless you say certain key words several times during the phone call and Echelon/Magic Lantern/whatever-they're-calling-the-surveillance-this-week picks up and flags the recording of your call. )

AuroraGyps said:

... but putting into words on paper, seeing it in black & white... for some reason it terrifies me.

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I don't have much in the way of advice, as I've never had to do such a thing myself. But consider this - if it were easy to do, it wouldn't serve much of a purpose for you, would it? You have to do it because it'd terrify you. And usually you don't get through what you're afraid of without facing it.

Torm, I think, is a bit paranoid. The exercise at the moment isn't in sending the letter, it's in simply writing it, and processing all those ideas into manageable forms. That is the thing that will do you good. After it is written, you can worry about whether you'll ever send it, or keep it. Paper is easy enough to destroy, if you decide to. But if you never write it, you'll never get your ideas organized so that you can actually look at them clearly.

Facing the past can be a bear, but it really is necessary if you want to put your best foot forward into the future. A plattitude, but true nontheless. I wish you good luck!

Torm said:

I would say: Skip it. The exercise is out-security as all-get-out - who knows what sort of use a copy of that letter could be used for later, especially if you really get going, get emotional, and aren't verbalizing yourself the best you can? At best, its something that can be showed around that might make you look foolish, and at worst, it might be evidence. :\

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I'm practically suicidal... can't get more emotional than that. I know I have to be a bit carefull about what I write, nothing that could be taken as a threat.... at the most there may be a bit of name calling. Besides, I've been having most of these feelings for almost 4 years, so alot of the words are in my head already. It's scary feeling them, it's scarier saying them out loud... putting them on paper...yikes!!

Make the phone call, instead. Or, if you weren't going to mail the letter, put a picture of them up on a wall and have the conversation aloud. Same thing, and no records to possibly embarass you later.

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I haven't talked to my ex on the phone in over a year, and I don't plan on it. That'd be a sure way for me to get over emotional and say something stupid. I've e-mailed him a couple of times (mostly because some people have things of mine that I'm trying to get back), the last saying that I stumbled across his website and found out he'd had a kid... & while I know I'm not entitled to him letting me know the news, hearing it from him would have been nicer than finding out how I did or bumping into someone one the street.

I have no idea if I'll ever send this letter. I don't see the use really. I don't think he or any of my other ex-friends care about the hurt they caused me, but if writing it down so it's not constantly running through my head and causing nightmares and worse, then I'll try anything.

I wouldn't suggest calling cause that will make him feel weird and dredge up horrible feelings with you.

Just write down whatever comes to mind. Then tear it up.

Not that you will send what you will come up with in the first place. So, instead of thinking (determining intellectually) what you will say in this letter, I suggest to "let your emotions speak", even if it doesn't make full sense when reading it thereafter. This is the main point IMO: let your emotions speak. Write this.

Thereafter you may determine what you send him or not send him.

Umbran said:

Torm, I think, is a bit paranoid.

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Admitted, already, in my post. But just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they weren't out to get me. (They were, and to discuss who "they" were would hijack this thread, so I'll leave it at that.)

I know most people don't have the people around them I've had, thank Goddess!, and I still believe people are basically good. But it pays to be wary of people that your relations are already strained with turning out to be the non-basic variety.

AuroraGyps said:

I have no idea if I'll ever send this letter. I don't see the use really.

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Well, then, I guess it'd be safe to write it down, and I think I can see the mental value of editting and correcting such a thing until it seems to express exactly what you feel. But I'll second Wycen Adamantite's suggestion that you destroy it afterward. I wasn't only thinking, before, of uses your ex could put it to - it also probably isn't a good thing to have lying around somewhere if you get into another relationship. :\

Write it all out, then scream at it, then burn it. Release all your anger and hurt in the flames.

You might find Burning Man therapeutic, but it's an expensive proposition.

This type of letter is not made to be sent, and I'd highly urge you not to even consider it. Once it is written have it around for a few days to think over and then have a great big fire and destroy it, that can also help relive some of your stress about it.