Vraille Darkfang
First Post
How to know your DM’s a Rat Bastard:
Feel free to add to the list.
How to know your DM’s a Cheap Rat Bastard (merely as an aid to the younger gamers):
1. You see a Roc flying overhead with an elephant. Roc drops the Elephant & DM makes you roll a Reflex save to avoid being squashed.
2. You see a Roc flying overhead. DM says it ate something that disagreed with it, and you see a large white glob falling towards you & need to Reflex save to avoid being hit & killed.
3. You always get sneak attacked by kobold rogues hiding inside the outhouse.
4. Half-orc Spontaneous combustion.
5. Your DM’s critical sheet has more than one slot for ‘Penis Removed’ and ‘Testicles Crushed’.
6. You get bonus XP for bringing over Wheels of Cheddar.
7. His mommy ‘worked’ at a cosmetic firm in ‘animal research’
8. When the otyugh gives your paladin a full-plate wedgie, he insists on a moment of ‘live-action role-playing’.
9. Death by Snu-Snu. This involves a bunch of Trolls, Formorians, and Ettins. It is unclear who is the Snu-er and who is the Snu-ee.
10. All dire rats have at least 10 levels of ninja.
11. His name is Merric
12. All the cool magic items apparently came from the ‘Hello Kitty’ Magic Item Boutique.
13. The Terrasque sneaks up on you. More than once. He’s wearing Full Plate & has a Glowing Great Sword the size of a California Redwood.
14. Transmute Pants to Acid is one of his favorite spells.
15. He makes sure your character’s family tree would get rejected by Jerry Springer- for being ‘too weird’.
16. Enemy Spellcasters always have Bigby’s Prodigious Persistent Probing Proctologist at their disposal.
17. Every wand you find has 1 charge left. No matter how many times the enemy fired it (or didn’t fire it). Always 1 @#%$! charge left.
18. All potions you find must be ‘delivered’ through the ‘other end’
19. You’re swallowed whole. By a dire squirrel.
20. DM is inspired by the Lemmiwink’s episode of South Park. His idea involves Titans.
21. DM has whiskers, a tail, and thinks Walt Disney is God.
22. You get defeated by a pirate ship. It’s Captain Kangaroo. Mr. Green Jeans kicked your a** and your given to Mr. Moose to be his bi***.
23. All armor you find was designed with Pamela Anderson in mind.
24. He lets you take Vow of Abstinence, but then spikes your Mountain Dew with enough Viagra to make Trolls start looking pretty good.
25. Your elf must use the phrase “That is Illogical Captain” at least 3 times every session or he makes you karaoke to the “Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”.
26. He runs a d20 Modern based off “Dukes of Hazzard”. You can be either Daisy or Boss Hog.
27. He spikes the Tarrasque’s Mountain Dew with Viagra.
28. Spider monkeys open up six packs of whup-ass (Saki-flavored) and proceed to karate kick you into next week.
29. You’re polymorphed into Jar-Jar. Thus ensuring your destruction by any reasonable entity anywhere.
30. Your captured by Hill Giants who keep you caged in little metal balls, only taking you out to do battle with each other accompanied by the cry: “Elf Mage, I choose You!” You keep getting your backside zapped by some half-blue dragon rabbit-rat thing.
31. Aliens beam you up. Then probe you. Repeat.
32. You’re Halfling keeps getting bisected, followed by the DM laughing till tears flow while chuckling “HALF & HALF-ling. Get it?” Any who don’t laugh get some ‘quiet time’ with 'Mr. Straightjacket'.
33. He uses a paint ball gun to demonstrate exactly where the Drow Archers hit you. The groin appears to be a favorite target.
34. Your Mamluk warrior gets promoted to harem guard. DM hands you a knife & says: “Come on, you KNOW the special requirements of being a harem guard and I don’t think you can role-play THAT without some first hand experience.”
35. Your kingdom is obliterated by the neighboring kingdom, the Fiefdom of Mister Rogers. “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, bi***”.
36. Your special mount has to double as your ‘special friend’.
37. You have to use your “Lay on Hands” to heal the Halfling’s hemorrhoids.
38. You get 100 XP for letting the DM sleep with your wife. Strangely, your wife doesn’t complain and asks why don’t you take some Item Creation feats, since you just made 10,000 XP during your business trip.
39. You get to know every creature in the MM in the ‘biblical sense’
40. You find a Powder Blue Leisure Suit +8 of Dancing.
41. Fiendish Dire Crabs in your shorts.
42. When you show up at the game, your girlfriend is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & put one piece back on for each critical you get.
43. He introduces you to his mom. She seems waaaaaay too interested in the family’s ‘pet’ rat. Keeps referring to him as ‘Dear’.
44. Mortal Fear of Cats.
45. When you show up at the game, your girlfriend is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
46. Your DM looks like Alicia Keys and every time you roll a save she flashes you to…..(Wait, that’s how to know your having a DM FANTASY. Sorry, my bad).
47. Every time you fail a save versus an Electrical Effect: CATTLE PROD.
48. He’s got plenty of Mountain Dew in the fridge. When you need to go to the bathroom he says it’s broken, just use the 2 liters in the fridge. You wonder about the chocolate bars in the back.
49. If you have an immunity to something, every monster you encounter will have a ‘Special’ or ‘Unique’ property that totally negates your special immunity.
50. When you show up at the game, your sister is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
51. DM starts playing ‘mood music’ for the final encounter. It’s Feelings by Morris Albert.
52. Every time a monster hits you….BAM! BB Gun to the crotch.
53. All the Kool-Aid you can drink. DM informs you if you leave the table, he’ll take control of your character while you’re gone. States he thinks your character has been really depressed lately and giving all his worldly possessions to charity might help.
54. When you spend your treasure on Ale & Whores, he leaves the police an ‘anonymous tip’ about a 'friend soliciting a prostitute’.
55. When you show up at the game, your Mother is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
56. DM gives you random flaws, like ‘Hyperactive Bladder’ ‘Erectile Dysfunction’ (esp when playing a female character) and ‘Explosive Flatulence’ (where you get the Fire subtype, but go through 100 gp of pants a week).
57. If you have a Holy Weapon, every monster you fight will have a non-evil alignment, even Lucifer king of Devils.
58. All Trap Search DC’s are ‘Whatever you got, +1’.
59. All ambushes occur when the character most reliant on heavy armor is urinating/defecating\fornicating or doing any other –ing that involves no armor.
60. When you show up at the game, your Grandmother is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get. DM says it’s ‘Thong Thursday’.
61. DM invokes ‘Pizza Privilege’ to get Anchovy & Pineapple on the pizza.
62. Charges $1.50 to use his bathroom (to cover ‘expenses’).
63. DM uses your bathroom. You have to call the EPA & get it declared a ‘Toxic Waste Dump’
64. If you kill it, you have to eat it. Campaign features a lot of oozes and undead.
65. When you show up at the game, your Grandfather is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get. DM says it’s ‘G-String Sunday’.
66. DM insists all his players must have a Prostate/Gynecological Exam before the game begins. He offers to do it ‘for free’. Surprising well equipped ‘medical lab’ in his basement.
67. Fully stocked Dungeon/Torture Chamber in the basement where…..(Damn, there’s that DM Fantasy Chart again. Sorry, won’t happen again).
68. You have your stuff in Extra dimensional space inside your adamantine full plate codpiece; inside a chastity belt with DC 100 Lock; inside your, umm, well inside. You still get all your coins pick-pocketed by every street urchin you come across.
69. DM makes you use his ‘lucky’ dice. They appear to be identical to early d20’s that were really d10’s since they have 1-10 on them twice.
70. If you make an untrained skill check, you will Maim/Kill yourself. Your elf died by shoving an iron spike through his head while trying to listen at a door.
71. When you show up at the game, Richard Simmons is sitting next to the DM and he tells you Richard will take off one garment for each critical the DM gets & one for each critical you get. Richard screams “Keen weapons for Everybody!”
72. DM claims he’s soooo good, he can’t keep track of all his players. So he’s started branding them by campaign. He asks you to drop your pants and present your left buttock so he can stamp a big FR on it.
73. “No. I don’t know why you’re calling here. I DON”T CARE. I’M NOT DOING ANY OF THAT. LISTEN, BIT**, I DON’T CARE WHAY THE F*** YOU THINK YOU ARE BUT I’M TELLING YOU TO F*** THE F**** F**** OF BEFORE I %^$#@^ YOU & YOU’RE *%$@#$ DOG TOO!!!!!!!”
“Who was that?”
“Some bi***. Your wife I think. Thinks I should stop this game just because she went into labor. I told her where to stick it. She should be in labor for a good 6-8 hours more, more than enough time to finish this game before the kid pops out”
74. DM insists on running (the game) naked. (Should you have the good fortune of having Shakira or Richard Simmons be your DM, move this to that fantasy list).
75. D20 modern. Everyone’s a mime & must stay in ‘character’.
76. You find out he’s been selling your ‘deceased’ characters on Ebay.
77. Curling: The RPG.
78. Every time you use Commune, you get Buddy Hackett
79. He believes Millli-Vanilli were the greatest role-players of all time (which, while correct, is a cruel thing to tell a player he has failed compared to Rob & Fab.
80. When playing any Japanese Anime game, guess who gets to be Hentai victim?
81. Your only Animal Companion is a hyper active Skunk with a ‘hair-trigger’.
82. Every Monster has enough rogue levels to gain Evasion.
83. Only spell your wizard ever finds is the touch spell ‘Repair Prostate’.
84. When you screw up any of his plans, he calls the drug squad & leaves a tip about which orifice you are hiding your ‘weed’ in.
85. Pink Floyd’s the Wall RPG. He won’t share the acid that comes with it.
86. Karaoke Night! You may choose from the greatest hits of Michael Bolten, Celine Dion, or the Barry Manilow.
87. You’re captured by pirates & forced to be their slaves. The Captain’s OK, but watch out for that Tennille bi***!
88. In order to get any XP from the session, you have to sing acapella a random nation’s National Anthem. You can sing Zimbabwe’s anthem from memory.
89. He sells you naked pictures of Paris Hilton. You get home and find out two things. 1. EVERYBODY has naked pictures of Paris Hilton. 2. You have naked pictures of Dom Deluise.
90. DM taughts you with cries of ‘Whose you daddy?’ over and over and over until you scream out ‘I DON’T KNOW WHO MY DADDY IS’ and curl up in the fetal position in the corner, sucking on your thumb whimpering ‘I want my whubbie’
Feel free to add to the list.
How to know your DM’s a Cheap Rat Bastard (merely as an aid to the younger gamers):
1. You see a Roc flying overhead with an elephant. Roc drops the Elephant & DM makes you roll a Reflex save to avoid being squashed.
2. You see a Roc flying overhead. DM says it ate something that disagreed with it, and you see a large white glob falling towards you & need to Reflex save to avoid being hit & killed.
3. You always get sneak attacked by kobold rogues hiding inside the outhouse.
4. Half-orc Spontaneous combustion.
5. Your DM’s critical sheet has more than one slot for ‘Penis Removed’ and ‘Testicles Crushed’.
6. You get bonus XP for bringing over Wheels of Cheddar.
7. His mommy ‘worked’ at a cosmetic firm in ‘animal research’
8. When the otyugh gives your paladin a full-plate wedgie, he insists on a moment of ‘live-action role-playing’.
9. Death by Snu-Snu. This involves a bunch of Trolls, Formorians, and Ettins. It is unclear who is the Snu-er and who is the Snu-ee.
10. All dire rats have at least 10 levels of ninja.
11. His name is Merric
12. All the cool magic items apparently came from the ‘Hello Kitty’ Magic Item Boutique.
13. The Terrasque sneaks up on you. More than once. He’s wearing Full Plate & has a Glowing Great Sword the size of a California Redwood.
14. Transmute Pants to Acid is one of his favorite spells.
15. He makes sure your character’s family tree would get rejected by Jerry Springer- for being ‘too weird’.
16. Enemy Spellcasters always have Bigby’s Prodigious Persistent Probing Proctologist at their disposal.
17. Every wand you find has 1 charge left. No matter how many times the enemy fired it (or didn’t fire it). Always 1 @#%$! charge left.
18. All potions you find must be ‘delivered’ through the ‘other end’
19. You’re swallowed whole. By a dire squirrel.
20. DM is inspired by the Lemmiwink’s episode of South Park. His idea involves Titans.
21. DM has whiskers, a tail, and thinks Walt Disney is God.
22. You get defeated by a pirate ship. It’s Captain Kangaroo. Mr. Green Jeans kicked your a** and your given to Mr. Moose to be his bi***.
23. All armor you find was designed with Pamela Anderson in mind.
24. He lets you take Vow of Abstinence, but then spikes your Mountain Dew with enough Viagra to make Trolls start looking pretty good.
25. Your elf must use the phrase “That is Illogical Captain” at least 3 times every session or he makes you karaoke to the “Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”.
26. He runs a d20 Modern based off “Dukes of Hazzard”. You can be either Daisy or Boss Hog.
27. He spikes the Tarrasque’s Mountain Dew with Viagra.
28. Spider monkeys open up six packs of whup-ass (Saki-flavored) and proceed to karate kick you into next week.
29. You’re polymorphed into Jar-Jar. Thus ensuring your destruction by any reasonable entity anywhere.
30. Your captured by Hill Giants who keep you caged in little metal balls, only taking you out to do battle with each other accompanied by the cry: “Elf Mage, I choose You!” You keep getting your backside zapped by some half-blue dragon rabbit-rat thing.
31. Aliens beam you up. Then probe you. Repeat.
32. You’re Halfling keeps getting bisected, followed by the DM laughing till tears flow while chuckling “HALF & HALF-ling. Get it?” Any who don’t laugh get some ‘quiet time’ with 'Mr. Straightjacket'.
33. He uses a paint ball gun to demonstrate exactly where the Drow Archers hit you. The groin appears to be a favorite target.
34. Your Mamluk warrior gets promoted to harem guard. DM hands you a knife & says: “Come on, you KNOW the special requirements of being a harem guard and I don’t think you can role-play THAT without some first hand experience.”
35. Your kingdom is obliterated by the neighboring kingdom, the Fiefdom of Mister Rogers. “It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood, bi***”.
36. Your special mount has to double as your ‘special friend’.
37. You have to use your “Lay on Hands” to heal the Halfling’s hemorrhoids.
38. You get 100 XP for letting the DM sleep with your wife. Strangely, your wife doesn’t complain and asks why don’t you take some Item Creation feats, since you just made 10,000 XP during your business trip.
39. You get to know every creature in the MM in the ‘biblical sense’
40. You find a Powder Blue Leisure Suit +8 of Dancing.
41. Fiendish Dire Crabs in your shorts.
42. When you show up at the game, your girlfriend is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & put one piece back on for each critical you get.
43. He introduces you to his mom. She seems waaaaaay too interested in the family’s ‘pet’ rat. Keeps referring to him as ‘Dear’.
44. Mortal Fear of Cats.
45. When you show up at the game, your girlfriend is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
46. Your DM looks like Alicia Keys and every time you roll a save she flashes you to…..(Wait, that’s how to know your having a DM FANTASY. Sorry, my bad).
47. Every time you fail a save versus an Electrical Effect: CATTLE PROD.
48. He’s got plenty of Mountain Dew in the fridge. When you need to go to the bathroom he says it’s broken, just use the 2 liters in the fridge. You wonder about the chocolate bars in the back.
49. If you have an immunity to something, every monster you encounter will have a ‘Special’ or ‘Unique’ property that totally negates your special immunity.
50. When you show up at the game, your sister is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
51. DM starts playing ‘mood music’ for the final encounter. It’s Feelings by Morris Albert.
52. Every time a monster hits you….BAM! BB Gun to the crotch.
53. All the Kool-Aid you can drink. DM informs you if you leave the table, he’ll take control of your character while you’re gone. States he thinks your character has been really depressed lately and giving all his worldly possessions to charity might help.
54. When you spend your treasure on Ale & Whores, he leaves the police an ‘anonymous tip’ about a 'friend soliciting a prostitute’.
55. When you show up at the game, your Mother is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get.
56. DM gives you random flaws, like ‘Hyperactive Bladder’ ‘Erectile Dysfunction’ (esp when playing a female character) and ‘Explosive Flatulence’ (where you get the Fire subtype, but go through 100 gp of pants a week).
57. If you have a Holy Weapon, every monster you fight will have a non-evil alignment, even Lucifer king of Devils.
58. All Trap Search DC’s are ‘Whatever you got, +1’.
59. All ambushes occur when the character most reliant on heavy armor is urinating/defecating\fornicating or doing any other –ing that involves no armor.
60. When you show up at the game, your Grandmother is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get. DM says it’s ‘Thong Thursday’.
61. DM invokes ‘Pizza Privilege’ to get Anchovy & Pineapple on the pizza.
62. Charges $1.50 to use his bathroom (to cover ‘expenses’).
63. DM uses your bathroom. You have to call the EPA & get it declared a ‘Toxic Waste Dump’
64. If you kill it, you have to eat it. Campaign features a lot of oozes and undead.
65. When you show up at the game, your Grandfather is sitting next to the DM and he tells you she’ll take off one garment for each critical he gets & one for each critical you get. DM says it’s ‘G-String Sunday’.
66. DM insists all his players must have a Prostate/Gynecological Exam before the game begins. He offers to do it ‘for free’. Surprising well equipped ‘medical lab’ in his basement.
67. Fully stocked Dungeon/Torture Chamber in the basement where…..(Damn, there’s that DM Fantasy Chart again. Sorry, won’t happen again).
68. You have your stuff in Extra dimensional space inside your adamantine full plate codpiece; inside a chastity belt with DC 100 Lock; inside your, umm, well inside. You still get all your coins pick-pocketed by every street urchin you come across.
69. DM makes you use his ‘lucky’ dice. They appear to be identical to early d20’s that were really d10’s since they have 1-10 on them twice.
70. If you make an untrained skill check, you will Maim/Kill yourself. Your elf died by shoving an iron spike through his head while trying to listen at a door.
71. When you show up at the game, Richard Simmons is sitting next to the DM and he tells you Richard will take off one garment for each critical the DM gets & one for each critical you get. Richard screams “Keen weapons for Everybody!”
72. DM claims he’s soooo good, he can’t keep track of all his players. So he’s started branding them by campaign. He asks you to drop your pants and present your left buttock so he can stamp a big FR on it.
73. “No. I don’t know why you’re calling here. I DON”T CARE. I’M NOT DOING ANY OF THAT. LISTEN, BIT**, I DON’T CARE WHAY THE F*** YOU THINK YOU ARE BUT I’M TELLING YOU TO F*** THE F**** F**** OF BEFORE I %^$#@^ YOU & YOU’RE *%$@#$ DOG TOO!!!!!!!”
“Who was that?”
“Some bi***. Your wife I think. Thinks I should stop this game just because she went into labor. I told her where to stick it. She should be in labor for a good 6-8 hours more, more than enough time to finish this game before the kid pops out”
74. DM insists on running (the game) naked. (Should you have the good fortune of having Shakira or Richard Simmons be your DM, move this to that fantasy list).
75. D20 modern. Everyone’s a mime & must stay in ‘character’.
76. You find out he’s been selling your ‘deceased’ characters on Ebay.
77. Curling: The RPG.
78. Every time you use Commune, you get Buddy Hackett
79. He believes Millli-Vanilli were the greatest role-players of all time (which, while correct, is a cruel thing to tell a player he has failed compared to Rob & Fab.
80. When playing any Japanese Anime game, guess who gets to be Hentai victim?
81. Your only Animal Companion is a hyper active Skunk with a ‘hair-trigger’.
82. Every Monster has enough rogue levels to gain Evasion.
83. Only spell your wizard ever finds is the touch spell ‘Repair Prostate’.
84. When you screw up any of his plans, he calls the drug squad & leaves a tip about which orifice you are hiding your ‘weed’ in.
85. Pink Floyd’s the Wall RPG. He won’t share the acid that comes with it.
86. Karaoke Night! You may choose from the greatest hits of Michael Bolten, Celine Dion, or the Barry Manilow.
87. You’re captured by pirates & forced to be their slaves. The Captain’s OK, but watch out for that Tennille bi***!
88. In order to get any XP from the session, you have to sing acapella a random nation’s National Anthem. You can sing Zimbabwe’s anthem from memory.
89. He sells you naked pictures of Paris Hilton. You get home and find out two things. 1. EVERYBODY has naked pictures of Paris Hilton. 2. You have naked pictures of Dom Deluise.
90. DM taughts you with cries of ‘Whose you daddy?’ over and over and over until you scream out ‘I DON’T KNOW WHO MY DADDY IS’ and curl up in the fetal position in the corner, sucking on your thumb whimpering ‘I want my whubbie’
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