Originally posted by Slagger_the_Chuul:
This is the quotes file I accumulated over the years on the boards (starting with a post by bitnine), mostly from 3rd Edition times, and with occasional things I ran across on another board. Items marked with "(sig)" indicate the quote was taken from someone's signature, rather than directly from an original post. There are a few by me in here, generally included because someone else sigged or quoted them. Some of it is stuff that might have been copied from elsewhere. Add some of your own if there are any good ones you remember.
Ah, posting on the WotC boards isn't complete until you witness a moral debate on whether a paladin lighting babies on fire out of spite violates his code of conduct or not.
-bitnine
Vote Cthulhu for president in 2004. Why go for a lesser evil?
Ninja warrior-"White devil, feel the wrath of the sword Demon-Tongue! It was forged of steel brought forth from the center of Mt. Fuji and heated in the flames of a thousand burning trators. It was then cooled in the water of life in the temple of the emperor. It has killed thousands in its centuries of use. Prepare to di......uhgggggg"
(PC shoots in the stomach with .44 Magnum)
PC- "Ninja poser, feel the wrath of gun Magnum. It was crafted by a underpaid man named Joe in a factory in Jersey and heated by coal from PA. It was then sold to Mike Squareenie's pawn shop on 34th and Broadway. So far to my knowledge it has never been used to kill anyone but in about ten minutes after your body goes into shock it will be up to one. Sayanara, sucker."
-Toptomcat (sig)
"Positive energy is not inherintly good. Anything that can make you explode is not inherently good."
-R.M.G.C.L.F. (Read My Glowing, Claw-Like, Finger.)
I mean come ON... if life gives you lemons you just squeeze the juice in its eyes and scream "SHANDAR YOU OAF!!! I SAID LIMES!!!"
To Tyflin : rest in pieces, the elephant that squashed you is still dead by the way...
You shouldn't be so hard on the DM, after all he is only twelve... he is only twelve right?.
-Stoned Golem
Cast spells DBZ style. Five rounds of screaming minimum, followed by a fireball. "Casting time" should be in direct proportion to the urgency of the spell. Your CLW should take at least 11 rounds.
-Dareon132
"You are not only wrong in your call, but possibly are the worst DM ever, akin to some sort of biblical plague. I'm surprised that your players don't start bleeding from their eyes or spontaneously combusting from being in the same room with you, let alone survive subjecting themselves to what you've termed a game."
-bitnine
Just beware, this will rapidly deteriorate into a twisted version of hot potato with a rapidly decomposing corpse.
-anshar
"You have been ressurected. By a Pit-fiend cleric. Of Pelor."
'There is no longer fighters fighting, theives stealing, etc. I think somehow it goes beyond this. We jokingly reference the idea of being "Monte Cooked" after we played his adventure the Banewarrens. ... The great red wyrm is no longer a good encounter. It's now got to be the great, demonic, undead, colossal, half celestial vermillion dragon'
-broghammerj (EN World)
There should be a feat, "Don't spill the beer". After all, if you've had to beg to get it, you don't want it spilled...
-msoya (from "VoP + Drunken Master = Possible???" Thread)
Special K [General]
You spell magic with a 'k.' There's no real dictionary difference, but you insist there is. And that makes you better, right?
Benefit: You add +1 to the DCs of your spells and spell-like abilities, and you gain a +1 bonus to your saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities.
Normal: There's no 'k' in 'magic.'
"It's not so much that nice guys finish last...It's more like...there's a sniper, hiding in the stadium, and he shoots out the nice guys' kneecaps, so that they can't even run the race. And then they sick the dogs on 'em."
-Loserz
Not intentionally of course, it's just that when they cuddle they tend to burn flesh. It's not their fault that they're poor misunderstood miscreants from the Nth layer of hell bent on world domination and the eradication of all that is good.
--Biccat (on Hellhounds)
WE ARE THE WORG: YOU WILL BE MASTICATED. YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND NUTRITIONAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS PAINFUL.
Player: Wait, that provokes an attack of opportunity right?
DM: Yah, it does.....
Player: Oh yah, 26.... wahoo 13 damage!
DM: Congratulations, you've just killed your parties cleric.
--AaronXVI
Why is it that everything you say makes me want to kill you, boil you down to your base components, and then participate in an extremely gorey Feng Shui competition?
-DrakeRunner
Monk (NPC): "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Cleric (player): I cast Legend Lore
Psion (Player): I manifest hypercognition
DM: (Shakes head in disgust)
Being a necromancer doesn't mean you are evil. Wanting to take over the world and attempting it by animating the dead into an army of death, and wrenching souls screaming from their bodies...That's a sign you're evil.
"So, dude, we let the rogue James Bond his way in, let him jimmy the door somehow and just blitz the front of the fortress, then, like, the mage Hiroshima's the place. Then we fight our way out, Rambo style!!!"
DM: Okay, you can have a golem, but he only works in return for payment.
Kharas[Ftr6/Sorc1]: How about if I call him Fred. With a "ph." And he only works for cookies.
Phred[Flesh Golem]: COOKIE!!!
DM: What do mean "You torch it...?"
Me: I'm not chasing him in there...
DM: It's only an orphanage...You know, full of orphans.
Me: Exactly...It isn't like anybody owns them or anything!
This makes absolutely no sense at all; your DM needs to be shot. with a hammer
If you're really a Goth, then where were you when we were sacking Rome?
Why shouldnt be a Lord of the Rings d20 game?
Gandalf:
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?"
Random Cleric: "Yes, I can"
With a coupe de gras, I can make broth or gravy. With a coup de grace, I can only make fertilizer.
-Luminous Crayon
"I think I would enjoy a long, languid afternoon of combing Orlando Bloom's Legolas hair like a My Little Pony."
-neonnurse
"corpses are notoriously indifferent to offers of redemption."
-Chris24061
Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.."
-Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03
Petal: "You realize what this makes you, right?"
Rhames: "Well, sure. I'm three-eighths Elf, one-quarter Gold Dragon, one-eighth Human and one-quarter Air Elemental."
Petal: "I was going to say it makes you descended from total perverts."
-Daybreaker
Yeah, if the players actually found a spell useful enough to take, 3.5 fixed it."
-Edymnion
The strangest so far was no doubt my friend's sorceress who decided that the price the beholder asked for his information was not too high for her...
-Fredrik Svanberg
DM: The Wemic picks up the unconscious wizard (DM's pet NPC).
Me: Can I have an AoO because he isn't paying attention to me?
DM: Umm, I guess, sure. That makes sense.
Me: I disarm the Wizard that the Wemic is holding, and he's at -4 because he's unproficient!
DM: No wait, you can't do that!
Me: Okay, I sunder.
DM: ...
DM: Roll a disarm.
-Sensei Gith
All that needs to be said is that the Vow Of Poverty is very, very wrong. It is wronger than 1+1=3. It makes Custer's decision to stay and fight look right.
-Elrana
Of course, he's an epic psion, so perhaps he just looks like that all the time. I imagine it makes it difficult to get normal service in most restaurants.
-Dr. Awkward
Kacra, the Black Monk: Take yourself from my presence, befor I kill you, for I am an aesetic.
Solar: And what would the fact that you have renounced earthly pleasures have to do with killing me?
Kacra: Killing you would give me great pleasure.
Solar: I take it drinking that tea doesn't give you pleasure?
Kacra: ... Shut up.
Look. The people the RPGA dislike - those who use "non-core" material - are the ones WoTC depends on. We buy their splatbooks, we sweep their source books, we embrace Rule 0, Houserulings and the Open Gaming License. We oppose Munchkinism, make up the majority of the DM population and make our own campaign settings while you sleep. Do not screw with us.
-Why does it seem like the classes raised by wolves have more skill points than city folk?
Tongue of the Sun and Moon (Ex): A monk of 17th level or higher can speak with any living creature.
It would be fun to walk through a valley while the monk tries to block out the plants chanting "Pho-to-SYNTH-esis pho-to-SYNTH-esis!", or the "Ow ow ow" as you step on the grass.
"No matter how bad you make it seem, your players will always read the scroll."
DM " Reggar is dead, Alii is dead, and Ven is dead. The red dragon is charging at you, what do you do"
Player- Lights up a cigarette "Before you kill me, I'm rich, and I'm a relatively influential person. Need a Henchman?"
The proper classification of elves remains something of a conundrum. While some sages classify them as mammals (Faerinidae), other scholars say that the long lives of the elves and their remarkable ability to adapt to whatever climate they happen to live in, producing a number of subspecies (the number appears to increase exponentially and it is believed that in 200 years time the entire elven species will consist of different subspecies, i.e., one subspecies per living elf), leads naturally to the conclusion that they should be classified as as a sort of bacterium. -- Asta Kask
Stupidly, everyone got full experience. I'm not angry that the guy who provided ground fire got experience. I'm not too angry about the guy who hid himself in the snow getting experience. I'm not even that mad about the guys who just stood there helplessly. But the guy who made a snowman I took issue with.
-Vanigo
DM: On the demon's body is a magical chain +5. It uses the Cornugon's wounding power.
Player: I pick up the Cornugon's Chain.
DM: It can only be used by Lawful Evil Cornugons.
Player: I have Use Magic Device... uh oh... I rolled a 5...
DM: As your hand melts off the chain drops to the ground. The wound continue spreading.
Player: I chop my hand off!
DM: <begins weeping he is laughing so hard>
I just think people who can violate reality by eating various disgusting and bizzare objects and doing cute little dances should be more powerful than the guy with a shaped lump of iron.
-Vaalingrade Ashland
Fine, the dragon drops his bag of commoners at his feet.
- Vaalingrade Ashland's response to "Bag-o-rats"
"At least they weren't Frost Giants. It would have been much worse if they were Frost Giants."
-Said by metalgod85's npc after getting fatally wounded by hill giants
Also, please don't turn more people against the idea of Illithid PCs by playing a savant. The Savant is just bad. It makes children cry, and game developers with half a brain want to claw out their eyes. Also, you stand a far better chance of talking your GM down if you promise not to even look sideways at this class. It's for the best.
-Khaibit_Ema_Neteru
Fresh baked cookies, chocolate or hot chocolate, good coffee, honeysuckle, and... ...new car!
-Originally posted by Luminosity (From the "What do celestials smell like?" thread)
Arturick: Yeah, I took everything unrealistic out of the game. No spells, no magic, no ki, no dice...
I call it, "Four Guys Beating Each Other With Sticks in the Backyard."
"Talk about eating people, or make a new thread."
-Mumbling Rogue
During a battle with an evil wizard npc....
Me: I walk up 10 feet from the wizard, reach into my Robe of Useful Things and throw a rowboat at him!!
DM: ... *rolls* ...you pin the wizard under the rowboat.
-Second
"Your party gathers in the tavern to plot the death of Ao.. and is instantly killed."
-Unknown
Tell me how a level 1 fighter in your campaign could get his hands on a +5 vorpal sword, and I'll tell you what kind of an idiot you are.
KENDER:
The best description of them I've ever heard comes courtesy of Edymnion ...
"perpetually hyperative kleptomaniac 5-year-old communists."
-Azual
I mean, that seems like something pretty common to do; if the DM wants to make fun of you because you almost died, the DM will. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. A DM that doesn't chuckle evilly isn't a real DM.
-Sheer_FALACY
Monkcicle are they available in your grocer's freezer section?
-edwardsobel
From the 3.5 SRD:
Ogres favor overwhelming odds, sneak attacks, and ambushes over a fair fight...
So next time the players get out of line, toss in a big group of ogres with improved initiative, several levels in rogue, and max ranks in hide. If they complain, tell them thats how the SRD says ogres are supposed to be played.
-Kethka
Hagglefoot Thighripper
Halfling Rogue/ Cleric of Gond
"Silver Dagger Aimed AWAY from Crotch, Check, Bolts for Crossbow Aimed Away from Crotch, Check,...
-Hagglefoot
"I could never suck quite that hard as a DM even if put max ranks in Perform (crappy DMing) and took Lack Of Skill Focus."
-flyingmoose
DM: ok, you think your pendant is telling you that the spikes go down if you turn the mechanism right, and up if you you turn it left...
Psychic: turn it to the right!
Player: I turn it to the right
*screams of pain come from the spike room.*
player: huh... I turn it some more... that's not supposed to happen is it?
-Sarrin
Something you should note; a dagger in a Drow's back is listed as natural causes.
-Carkni
"Special: On a missed Plot Hook attack, the target(s) of the Plot Hook will behave as if panicked or confused (equal chance for either) for the next 1d4 hours."
-Lincoln Hills
Hitpoints of Earth = 69,031,246,210,378,008,728,371 hp
So all you have to do is find a spell that can do a little over 69 sextillion points of damage to objects, and you can destroy the earth.
Poor Riplox. Killed when when he was squashed...by a sackful of rations. (Actual occurrence of stupid-death)
-Riplox
1500 cubic feat of squirels... melting at the earth's core - it's a great thought.
-Zelphi
"are you ever annoying! Everytime I turn around its"Hey Black_Void, can you gimmie an autograph?" or "Hey Black_Void, can you hang with me for a little bit so I can look cool?" or "Hey B_V, can you have sex with my girlfriend so I can impress her?".....I AM ONLY ONE MAN, SAVRAS! I can't help you through life 24/7! "
(Black_Void's response to my question "Am I Irritating?", and the funniest thing I read in a long, long while...)
Actually, he is a lover, not a warrior, buuuut a few fireballs never hurt anyone either...now have they?
-preacher of nothing
Well, yeah, they did actually. That is kinda the point of fireballs.
-Arquinsiel
Rico: "'Um, I'm here to check your gas line.'"
DM: "That's seriously your bluff?
Rico: "You're damn right."
DM: "I'm going to have to give them a +20 circumstance bonus to their sense motive roll, as they have no idea what a 'gas line' is."
Rico: "Bring it on."
[They roll.]
Rico: "Let's see ... a 19 plus my +11 Bluff modifier. You?"
DM: (quiet for a moment, looking at the 2 he has just rolled; then) "They let you into their back yard."
-Lottelita
You are not your party. You're not how much gold you have in the bank. You're not the horse you ride. You're not the contents of your haversack. You are not your magic freaking platemail.
You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the realm. We are all adventuring in the same compost heap.
-Tyler Do'Urden
New definition for balance as a verb: to slowly smother the life from. "Lenny balanced the rabbit, so George had to get him a new one."
-Vaalingrade Ashland(discussing spell changes in 3.5)
"The ground gets a turn just like everyone else, and it simply readies an action, waiting to strike at anyone who falls towards it." --Phrennzy 07/14/04
Stealing your own pants without you realizing it is a DC 120 slight of hand check. Even the gods have trouble doing this.
-Elendur
Expecting the media to cast D&D in a good light is like expecting Asmodeus to rise from Baator and become a flower-power hippie.
-Ryltar Swordsong
J:These giant ants:Are they natural?
K: Well...
N: They're not fluffy
J: That'll do. Right, now we just need a really big kettle....
-Nurgan_the_drunked
There's no such thing as a cold iron coconut.
-Mithral Icesilver
But....but....but....what about the zapping wizard?
He's done
What do you mean he's done?
He's done zapping
-preacher of nothing
ME: I UMD to get the portal to activate blindly
DM: *blinks* roll
ME: With bonii, 38
DM:*blinks* You wander about the room shouting, waving the stick that you figure has something to do with opening the portal. The stick slips out of your hands, hits the ceiling, snaps perfectly in half, and slides into two previously unseen holes in the wall, the portal whirrs to life
Me: Score!
-K.O.E.G
GM: He attacks you
Me: ...I fight back.
GM: With what, you don't have any weapons?
Me: I've got fists, those are weapons.
GM: You don't have proficiency with them, its a -8 to all attacks.
-Mantel_DeMenglamaar
Player: Why does it say idiot3 on my character sheet?
DM: Wait, what? That's 1d10+3!
-Sylvaroth
Ah, yes, because when I came on the boards this afternoon, I was thinking, "Man, wouldn't it be GREAT if my eyes and ears bled at the same time?"
-sliverstorm
Yes, I am a planeswalking alhoon. And I swear to Ilsensine, Vecna, and Velsharoon all, if you don't stop poking me with that blasted knife, you're going to get a cranial tentacle treatment that's going to remind that whole gods-forsaken party of yours of a scary episode of La Blue Girl!
Fighter to wizard "hey, I finally shot that stupid owl that's been following you everywhere"
-Fasius
A dwarf fighter's thief skills -
Open Door: Boot.
Pick Lock: Bash.
Pick Pocket: Mug.
Climb Walls: Rope.
Hide in Shadows: No.
Move Silently: As If.
Find/Remove Traps: Ouch.
-Kojiro James
You wake up, feeling pretty refreshed after the sleep, but your big ass mermaid tail is a bit dry.
--Souldrinker on Polymorph for Revenge
Illithids are far, far smarter. The handicapped illithid who pumps your gas has 16 INT.
-angryman
it rebounded my own spell back at me, and of course there was no way in hell I could make my own save, so I became a frog for the rest of the encounter
-Erelamar
DM:"You see a 15 foot high iron door."
Rogue:"I check for traps on the door." ::rolls::
DM:"You find a trap."
Rogue:"Can I tell what sort of trap it is?"
DM:"It's a mundane trap. No magic involved."
Rogue:"OK, I stand 10 feet back and use my staff to open the door. That should keep me safe from spears and darts." ::rolls a strength check to lift the bar::
DM:"Congratulations. You have lifted the bar. Now roll a reflex save VS the giant iron door."
-Myst
Clr to DM: "I cast Comprehend Lang."
Rogue:"Dude,... they're speaking common"
-Myst
Now I want to find out the price if I were to comission a life-sized marble statue of my character, Corellon, Ehlonna and Moradin as members of a rock band, rocking out really hard. (The dwarf on the drums, of course.)
This is bling-tastic, baby.
-ShadowDragon8685
That's a very good description of it. It was drivel. I think I'd rather run naked through the Underdark with a big neon sign that says "Lolth is a lesbian" while screaming "DROW SUCK!!!" than read Chick's stuff again.
-Kojiro James
Vecna: -i sneak into your city-
Lady of Pain: (Dude, you can't..you're a god)
Vecna: (no, i snek in cuz i gots mad skillz)
Lady of Pain: (I see.)
Online Host: Vecna has been banned from the room.
-Kojiro James
"Hi, I'm a new DM. You may remember me from such adventures as 'Ha-Ha! Your character is dead!' and 'The gods feel like smiting you today'."
-wereooze
DM: When I said "Towers" I obviously meant "Tunnels going into the ground".
-wereooze
What's That thing that drow have with sunlight?
Either "Light Blindess" or "You worship Lolth so you don't belong here".
-Azual
Me: Okay, I open the door wide, stepping behind it in case anything is on the other side.
Pladin: I CHARGE THROUGH THE DOOR!
Of course, there was no hall behind the door. Our paladin charged gallantly into a closet, and gallantly smashed his head into the wall.
-Kalriem
I'd sooner retire than save the world from things I can't explain without words like "Colossal Angry Fetus", or "Like that, only with more (insert piece of anatomy here) or "Save or Die, with no chance of resurrection."
-Robert Ranting (referring to epic monsters)
I have to admit, Shifters bother me the most, because their "other half" is just a diseased human. It's like having a heterozygous condition for some disease like Sickle Cell Anemia or something, I guess.
-Robert Ranting
Rogue OOC: Yea its such a bad stereotype that people think dungeons and dragons players are goths.
DM OOC: Yea seriously I saw this one site that had christian fundamentalists who thought we ACTUALLY gained powers from reading the mass-produced commericial franchised D&D books.
Rogue OOC: (holding up a small dixie cup with zoo animals on it) *deep voice* 'Tis the goblet of Satan!!!
-MattD121
Party Cleric: *sigh* Is this going to end up with us fleeing on our ship while the city will be engulfed in flame, with chaos everywhere, (all of which will be caused by us) and us making enemies out of every possible bad guy, who will hound us to the ends of the earth?"
-Arak the mighty
DM (me): Ok, you see a small hole in the ice cavern's wall.
Pat: About how big is it?
DM: No more than a foot in diameter. You won't be able to fit anything more than an arm in there.
Pat: Ok, I'll reach in and feel about. Do I feel anything?
DM: Yes, you feel a searing pain in your arm as something severs your forearm from your body.
Pat: HOLY CRAP! I stick my head in so I can see what happened to my arm!
-Mordmorgan the Mad
But just because you're a half-ooze does not mean yo mamma had a jello fetish.
-Edymnion
at level 5000 you talk to your patron deity (you're on first name basis with this god, and you occasionally babysit her kids) and ask for a little help.
-Tabitha Chergoba
Dodge bonuses are like homework. When different sources give them, they stack.
And they both can be gained from different classes.
-Amethyst (?)
There is no saving throw against stupidity...
-Ogre4Hire (?)
For the fiends, there's still a little devil on one shoulder telling them to do evil, but on the other shoulder there's another little devil who backs him up, tags in when he gets tired, and buys all his albums.
-Slagger the Chuul
I just got back from the pharmacy. Dr. PWN'D tells me that regular doses of Cymraegmorgan are recommended for patients who need to STFU.
-RadicalTaoist
"...then St. George tripped the Dragon with his trusty Spiked Chain so he could get AoO's..."
-Lord of Dorkness
Suppose you have an awakened chicken sorcereress attacked by a red slaad. The resulting green slaad is then marooned on a dune-covered isle, where she becomes a Queen of the Wild who dabbles in witchcraft. And thus you have....
a chicken slaad sand witch
-Originally posted by Aeolius
Net increase to strength 4 points. probably about 2 mill more damage at least...
I am not doing the math.
-FarKadeNear (From the Hulking Hurler build thread; the estimate is probably correct!)
We are the Anglo-Saxon collective. Your cultural and linguistal distinctiveness will be added to our own. Your biology will adapt to service ours. Cultural identity is irrelevant. Lower your pants and prepare to be boarded.
-ShadowDragon8685 (sig)
"Hey, I'm a bored lovecraftian tentacle-beast with a lot of brain to occupy. I should see what happens when I inject a tadpole into that winged-thing's head, tack iron golem bits onto it, dominate the hell out of it, and have it follow me around and carry things. I will be the talk of all the illithids at the breeding tank. 'Hey, did you see Caliphaes with that AWESOME golem-grafted-ceremorphed-fiend-creature thrall? He is by far a better illithid than we. I'm sure he hangs out and eats glazed angel brains with Ilsensine on weekends, he's just that cool.' Yeah, that's what they'll say about me. Thrall, capture the winged thing. Other thrall....hack the limbs off my iron golem, would you? Thrall #3, go to the elder brain tank and grab a tadpole. Fourth thrall, get me my experimenting hat. I love my experimenting hat."
-Khaibit_Ema_Neteru
Oh, and its Evil and wrong, because you'd be ruining perfectly good Soylent Green.
-The Dark One (discussing necrophilia)
Foolosophy: more important: how much exp do you get for [destroying] toril/oerth?
Qaetar: All of it.
-From the Hulking Hurler thread
Alright, Drizzt is prone to making long, boring monologues about his inner feelings, he's got trouble with girls, and he wields a sword named Twinkle. I'm telling you that those three things are not unrelated...
-Ogre4Hire (sig)
Rando the spiffy was a Kender Rouge i had once in a friends campagin who tried to pimp slap the god of time. needless to say hes no longer with us in the campagin.
-Rando the spiffy
Fighter: "I didn't take any damage this encounter!"
Cleric, Sorcerer, and Bard: "Bad! Bad fighter!"
-Riznar (sig)
Exalted means your character is so good, they make Paladins look like shifty crack dealers.
-Edymnion
To look at using your points in this manner instead of using then to throw powers or keep your feats running is like looking at a dollar and asking if it would be more efficient to buy a roll of toilet paper or simply to use the dollar as toilet paper.
-AntiDjinn (on 3.0 Psionic Combat)
No, I don't hate cute. I just think that there's a candy-coated rainbow-colored layer of the Abyss populated entirely by fuzzy bunnies and big-eyed kittens.
-Agent Rasp
So while the munchkin does it for power, the twink does it for kicks. The min/maxer does it so that he doesn't get eaten by the troll.
-Dr. Awkward
[after discovering the corpses of his family, our hero stands in silence] -DM: you know, none of us will think your character is any less of a man if he..cries"
Player-"Cry? are you kidding, crying's for npcs and..and clerics...not to mention paladins, no, heroes don't cry..uh..they uh...brood, yeah that's it...they brooood"
-Byael (sig)
"Role up new characters and let us never speak of this flashback again."
-from the start to an unlucky Eberron campaign as recounted by Lily_Knight
I know that Lords of Madness has some . . . err . . . "interesting" mating habits for various nasty tentacle beings. And none of them involve japanese schoolgirls.
-Count Arioch the 28th
If I chop off the legs of defeated opponents and stash them in my Handy Haversack, do I receive a +4 bonus to defend against trip attacks for having more than two legs?
-chocobochicken
suffers mental image of dark elf in tight outfit with a single sequined glove on left hand, grabbing crotch and singing "I'm Bad"*
Owwwww!
-Chiba_Monkey
"Assinators?"
-The Shaman
"That's either the Best. Typo. Ever. Or a really really cruel way to destroy your PCs."
-ASCIIMan
"I bet the main reason the city guards keep people away from a battlefield is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the corpses and stuff, then, when somebody comes by, act like they just stabilized and go, 'How much XP did I get?'"
-Feiss
"I was recently reading my Monster Manual, and I read that "dragons do not favor grappling" or some such. So I immediately ran out and made a Fang dragon grappler. He worked out quite well. My party is level 12, he was CR 12, and he did indeed consume 25% of their resources. Literally. He ate the archer."
-Ma'ElKoth
you are in a bar that has a bard preforming at one end of the room. A man is relaxing in the corner enjoying the show. Several patrons with more than a little drink in them start jeering at the bard. For no aparent reason one of them spontaneously combusts.
-Lokiyn (using matter agitation as an example of psionics)
11. Reduce person + massive amounts of Quintessense + Bag of Holding = easy way for the party's Paladin to deliver all those orc babies and/or surrendured enemies to the orpahanarium/jail.
-Blainetog (from "Fun with Quintessence - How can you use it?")
You can look but not adopt....... -Lokiyn
Do not tap on the glass! - Contrast
Where, if they're lucky, they can enjoy Double Soup Tuesdays... - Edymnion
14. Never have to pay for a baby sitter again.
-Blainetog (from "Fun with Quintessence - How can you use it?")
The internet is like something out of HP Lovecraft. It draws you in with it's temptation of knowledge and power- But use it for too long, and you'll find your sanity is shakey and you are surrounded by brainless zombies and tentacle porn.
-jukar (sig)
"P1: I toss myself off a cliff.
DM: You gain 1000XP!
P1: What?"
-RPGfish (sig)
"I'm an adventurer, damn it! I demand fiscal rewards for premeditated homocide!"
-Alhadrien(sig)
I use to play a druid with a "You killed it-you eat it" policy. Really slowed down some of the hack & slash players.
-braindead345 (sig)
earth power + torch of power preservation + bestow power = pay 1pp to have 2pp
-HiFromHell (sig)
Fumbuck the 1/2-Orc barbarian: "This is my mahogany davenport with solid brass accents and a polished marble top. It was hand-carved by halfings in the village of HappyFunLand and I found it in the possession of an Ogre-Mage who's skull I smashed with a hammer."
-wereooze (sig)
You have planned a stupid campaign, you ask for help to fix your dumb idea, but the idea is so dumb that no common sense, good advice, or planning can help it recover. It is the black hole of campaign ideas sucking in good advice from experienced dungeon masters and spitting out your bizzaro reasons from some alternate dimension.
-Alecthemad (sig)
the party abandoned me to goblins because I "Sucked and wasnt worth saving"
-Psimind25 (sig)
I also pinch babies to make them cry
-EvilVegan (sig)
I'm an evil DM. Or i just hate backstabbers.
Me: Ok you meet a black dragon, what do you do?
lvl 1 sorc: I shoot a magic missile at fighter.
Me: A giant chicken falls on you while you were casting the spell. you die. the chicken also kills the black dragon.
-pita (sig)
It bears saying: if up against a logic-impervious DM who thinks Core is balanced and Psionics (or Warlocks, or Fochlucan Lyrists, or anything balanced that's come out of splatbooks that aren't munchfests like Complete Divine) isn't, then the most powerful way to disprove that is to play a C.o.D. (Cleric or Druid). Noncore material will not be necessary unless you are going for pure overkill (Draconic Wildshape? Divine Metamagic?). So by all means, if you must win that argument, take you C.o.D. to town. Annihilate the opposition. Make the NPCs and other players scream "Oh no, it's C.o.D.zilla!!!!!" in badly dubbed English. Breathe radioactive fire. Knock down buildings. Then stomp out of the burning Tokyo that is the ruins of the game and swim off into the ocean, seeking a DM with some basic cognitive functions.
-RadicalTaoist
I couldn't find any rules on "Common Sense" at all. Is that some kinda Rogue ability?
-Mordmorgan the Mad (sig)
Epic Rogue : "I rolled a 5 on the die... plus modifier, and synergies.... that's 385 total sleight of hand."
DM : "Okay, you steal Elminster's Eversmoking pipe, all his gold, his left shoe, his right big toe, and his childhood memories, plus a level 7 spell slot"
-terulian (sig)
It's like all those wonderful power feats that require you to date their deformed cousin before you can romance them a little bit.
-St. Thomas of Bebop (sig)
I agree about Wu Jen - as a man, I definitely do not enjoy being kicked in the gonads.
-Snb1131 (sig)
Villager 1:*Gasp* That goblin is using psionic power agaiinst us!
Villager 2: So? It's only a goblin...
Villager 1: You don't understand! It's a Blue!
Villager 2: Oh dear gods, no! We are surley doomed! Why have we been forsaken, why?! We could never make the save DC for it's powers! All hope is lost! Oh, if only it were a normal goblin with an 18 Int, instead of the unstoppable 20 Int Blue; we would have easily crushed it! But nay, we shall be decimated by the all powerful Blue! Why gods, WHY?!
-BeyondFated (sig, presumably speaking out sarcastically against the contentious +1 LA of Blues)
Everyone deserves their very own owlbear.
-Telaria (sig)
"There are 3 kinds of people in the world: People who can cast similacrum, and people who can't"
-Vanigo
Epic Saint Monk character does not need to worry about losing his Vow of Chastity through masturbation, as he cannot make his own Touch AC
-the Horc (sig)
"I won't resurrect them, but I'll loot their bodies and place them in funny positions"
-Lyinginbedmon (sig)
SW/FR Quote:OOC: "I'm the Elf version of Jar Jar Binks"
Me: "Remind me to shoot your character until he stops twitching."
-Darkmeer (sig)
Some things are better left unthought. Using some of the suggestions on this thread, I could for instance beat the earth's gravitational pull with an exceptional grapple check and float into space or by some twist of fate, I could hit an atom, split it, and make a large boom. This really shouldn't be discussed although I admit that as is, an animate object spell could possably animate the planet (as the planet would only be collosal).
-Realms of Chaos
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Happy little children's rhyme, or disturbingly dark prophecy?
-Raymond_Luxury_Yacht (sig)
i made a list of things to do...
1. kill family
2. get rid of owl familiar
3. sell house
4. kill hot member of adventuring party
5. kill all damsels in the land that could ever be in distress
-WizardlyFriend (sig)
The 3.0 Psionics Handbook should not even be on the shelves anymore....
I was going to discard it, but I remembered how my mom used to always say that starving kids in the third world didn't have such luxuries. So I mailed it off to the starving kids of the third world c/o Sally Struthers. Two weeks later it was returned to me with a note that read: "Dude, get the XPH. signed, starving kids." They even offered to try to find a sponsor for me.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
Rule #1 of D&D marriages: Your wife is a succubi.
Rule #2 of D&D marriages: If your wife is not a succubi, then she is a vampire.
Rule #3 of D&D marriages: Your wife is not a vampire, then she is some NPC highly important for the world.
Rule #4 of D&D marriages: Your wife is going to die.
-mrshupizdumaterinu (sig)
Or they might eat your brain. In a non-evil way, of course.
-CryoSilver (sig)
But the worst, very worst thing about being friendly with Cthulhu is the way he will fill up your answering machine when you're pretending you're not home, dialing and dialing and dialing to ask if you got his last message and would you call him back and if he's not in he has his cell....
Once you're friends with him, you'll never stop dealing with the calls of Cthulhu.
-revnk (sig)
1067. Whenever you succeed a spot check though shalt not announce this by say "Listen! I smell something."
-Ravenfeather (from the "1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing..." thread)
1082. The default way to use the ship in the dock is walk over the plank. Not to swing at a chord from the main mast and scream "Geronimooooooo!"
-Ravenfeather (from the "1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing..." thread)
Then there's the succubus who was considered a pervert by the other demons because she liked to dress up like an angel and beg paladins to "be good" to her...
-quarkstomper (sig)
Druid-bots Assemble! We must fight the evil Decepto-Forged!
-Zipperjones (sig)
Forcefeeding the goodberries to the vampire won't damage it. No positive energy. You'll only result in an angry, berry-covered vampire
-DarkWarriorKarg on the nature of Goodberries and the Mournland+ (sig)
I don't know about you, but if I had nearly cosmic power, and the choice came down to having a lot of jewelry or handling bat poo, well, I think you know what I'd choose.
-DisposableHero (discussing the differences between mages and psions)
The creature is generally quiet and unobtrusive, with no particular designs on world-conquest or kicking bunnies.
-Dinel (discussion on whether or not Dinel's aberration would be automatically hated by druids).
"But if you read the rules sideways underwater, with the lights out, it seems like you can do this. Can you do it then?"
-OamuTheMonk (commenting on how some people stretch the rules)
[13:54:38] <Bikkusu_> Did he make any friends?
[13:54:52] <Exodus> I dunno.
[13:55:00] <Exodus> Roll your Craft (Friends) checks.
-Millenia (sig)
Originally posted by Slagger_the_Chuul:
Part 2 of the above:
If you go by the illustrations, especially Hennet's fetish gear, it would appear that Hot Topic has outlets in Greyhawk and Faerun.
-Kevin Andrew Murphy
And if I've learned ANYTHING from the mature boards its that a prostitute, slave-owning, sociopath serial killer, baby eating cannibal, necrophiliac, Paladin with a napoleon complex is not evil UNTIL they eat a sandwich.
-St. Maelstrom
Warforged are basically slaves, and that's one of the bad things about Thranish society. (much as corruption is the main bad things about Brelish society, being ruled by an evil necromantic vampire is the main bad thing about Karrnathi society, and... well, being rather boring is the main bad thing about Aundairan society.)
-JulesCARV
"This is D&D: The heroes aren't supposed to dress sensibly; they're supposed to look awesome."
-Max the Immortal (sig)
"Remember, if your party is caught in the dark, and forced to fight, light yourself on fire, fighting in the dark is a negative ten penalty, fighting while on fire is only negative two."
-Someone I met on the internet (sig)
always have utilities ready like Expeditious Retreat or a Tenser's Floatinf Dick.
-Mysticaloctopus.
So that is what female wizards do when they are lonely.
-TheFallenWriter (sig)
The only one even remotely useful is the one that explodes
-Lycanthromancer (discussing ectopic forms for astral constructs)
Actually there is a more cost effective way to become a sandwich...
-Linkrulesx10 (sig)
Hmmmmm. I never knew that limpwristic gnome barbarians died of old age by growing an arrow in their throat....
-AlphaSquirell
As for the good/evil thing, if one evil act makes you evil, it must be really evil, like beating your mom to death with your dog. If a thousand good acts don't make you good, they can't be very good, things like leaving a few extra copper in the tray at SylvanEleven.
-Tyler Do'Urden
He might be playing a variant of D&D called "The DM proves how huge his wang is by screwing with teh players nonstop".
-Count Arioch the 28th
There is NOTHING in the world of D&D rules that suggest you need a head to breath.
-Callahan (sig)
We're not supposed to play hit points like this: "The orc barbarian swung his axe with great force at the higher level knight, who took the attack straight in his forehead. The strike would have split a weaker foe's head clean open, the knight was so friggin' tough that the attack only did a little bit of damage", nor are we supposed to play it like this;"The orc barbarian swung his axe with great force at the higher level knight, splitting his head open and nearly cutting off the top half of his head. However, the knight was so friggin' tough that he kept fighting anyway."
-Esponer (sig)
The land is considered to be an unattended non-magical item.
-RunningWilder (sig)
Satyr (seemingly appearing out of nowhere): Hey baby. Looking to maintain an "intimate relationship relationship with a fey?"
JulesCARV (discussing the Nymph's Kiss feat, which attributes its benefits to an intimate relationship with fey)
catharz : Dispelling breath is so good I almost kicked my mom in the face.
DM Denubis : This board has the oddest expressions....
Jeremymc : What are you talking about? That expression was so good I almost ate my priest and baked a cobra.
catharz : Ya, don't have a cockroach.
(sig)
Yes me too please; I'm 168 ft long, 22.5 ft wide, 30 ft tall, and weigh 10,240,000 lbs. I like riding scalding hot thermals of air over magma lakes, BBQ'ed Virgin Female Humans or Elves, and the occasional life or death battle with canned food.
-Kothardarastrix (sig)
No can do. The zombie template requires a skeletal system. And before you ask, no, the skeletal systems of creatures it's eaten do not count.
-pileobone (discussing oozes)
What about four white mages?
-darkness ninja of light
Now, let's not discriminate. Why not four Asian mages, or four African mages?
-babysamurai
I wouldn't worry about gore. Honestly, last week I had my players hacking apart bodies and stuffing them in crates to hide evidence of a battle, and these were supposedly good aligned characters. (I would just once like to see a D&D campaign that did not involve mutilating corpses or lighting things on fire. It seems like that's not so much to ask.)
-PiedmonSama
On the other hand, the prospect of running into a Pit Fiend sitting in a chair, comfortably sipping a cup of tea from a saucer (pinky extended, naturally) and him saying "What ho, chaps! Terribly sorry old things, but got to have your souls eaten. Bit impolite I know, but order from on low and all. Now I really must insist you die a horrible death, but I'd appriciate if you try not to get too much blood on the carpet and shriek quietly if you please, there's good chaps. Toodleloo!" would be pretty scary.
-aotrscommander (sig)
Im probably the only DM who let a paladin get away with killing an innocent man without losing his paladin powers... He also killed a horse which fell over and exploded when it was hit by an arrow
-Gemstone (sig)
No, an Elf can't use a greatsword, as they are too busy skipping through the trees, composing bad poetry and/or songs about other Elves and fluffy bunnies that no-one else could possibly love or even endure and would make the possibility of Vogan poetry actually seem bearable, manicuring their nails and choosing which fletchings match their outfits. And that's just the males.
-aotrscommander
To be honest, I see some interesting elf characters (once you dig past all the Drizzt clones) but just about every dwarf I've ever come across is the same short gruff bearded guy with an axe and three quarts of grain alcohol.
-spectralphoenix
woah... i just got a major breakthrough in the field of Radicalology... what if Chuck Norris mated with a Dwarf while roundhouse kicking an army of ninjas barechested in a cowboy hat?
-oxybe
Actually, I think that's how you get a uranium katana.
-The_One_True_Boris
The fighter is the knife brought to the gunfight. The gun could run out of bullets, or jam, or the opponent could be wearing a bulletproof vest, or the fight could miraculously be begun close. But the gun wins. You can aim for the head in the case of the vest, a gun still works at any range, and the gun won't run out of bullets or jam first. Not if you reload, and take good care of it. The only way for the knife to work is if everyone suddenly runs out of bullets.
-scienceman47 (sig)
Whats the DC for roleplaying ? Can gelatinous cubes take it ?
-Weasel Fierce (sig)
The illithid hooker? She'll blow your mind.
-Yak of Darkness (sig)
Also I'm as sure that llamas have horns as I am the fact they have big fins for swimming. I'm fairly certain llamas live in big rivers like the Amazon. If you see a llama where people are swimming you should say, "Look out! There are llamas!!"
-Roivas (sig)
I think this forum alone holds a two-digit percentage responsibility for all kittens killed in the last three years.
-RadicalTaoist (sig)
OMFG = Oh+My+(explicative deleted)+(deity reference). In psionics it is usually used to refer to what the other characters get. Often also used by psionic players when they sit down to the table then find out the DM is using 3.0.
-AntiDjinn
Flavor text:
Game rules that do not support my argument.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
Brigands? Burglars? Tomb robbers? Anarchists? No your Honor you have it all wrong. Yeah, well we killed them all and took their stuff, but we're not criminals, we're adventurers.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
I just like the mental image of Farmer Joe suddenly falling over in terrible agony as his kidney is summoned halfway across the globe by Ted the Holy to replace the one that Fighter Bob lost while fighting orcs.
-Mindrender (sig)
What DC is the Fort Save to not be affected by this Disease called cancer?
Finally a use for the Pally: he can cure CANCER!
-Nephlite
Sure, that's purely a metagame thought. But if the idea that "You know, guys, if we didn't have a fighter in our party it probably wouldn't rain golems now and again and there wouldn't be a seasonal antimagic bloom,"
[Edit: (Or even - "Please, no, Bob! If you play a fighter, magic-eating frenzied gnomes will fly in on dire bat mounts and kick us in the nuts repeatedly and then maybe eat our spell components!") /Edit]
-bitnine (sig)
I think the part where you are alone with a huge treasure and 5 evilly-aligned individuals who are known to kill for money is a significant flaw in the plan.
-Sildatorak (sig)
DM: Pete, your elf notices a secret door in the left-hand wall.
[Party arranges to open the door. Everyone except Pete says what their PC is doing.]
DM: Pete, what is your elf doing?
Pete: Decomposing.
DM: What? Why?
Pete: Because he died last encounter.
Since that time the group had a house rule that dead elves automatically detected secret doors.
-Arbitrary Aardvark (sig)
Don't opress me with your ass-backward views! This isn't the darkages! Now excuse me, I need to go build a warforged goat and twin midgets..
-Koga:The ninja trick
A bit like bitter necromantic buddhists I suppose.
-stone_dog (sig) (referring to the Blood of Vol)
Eberron, a world where Orcs are the tree hugging hippies and elves the screaming horde
-nyysjan (sig)
"Yeah, we're neutral. See that lynched Cleric of Pelor hanging by the symbol of Asmodeus? We neutralised him."
-rivaltuna (sig)
You aren't one of those "roleplaying purists" that assume that roleplaying and not being more useless than Braille at the drive-thru window are mutually exclusive, are you? I only ask because you seem to do a great deal of roleplaying, and a build that could only be more gimped with a template with a high Level adjustment, thus robbing you of whatever abilities you accidentally managed to acquire. And I don't mean accidentally in the same way that you coincidentally might arrive at the bus stop at the same time as the bus, thus saving you time. This seems to be more accidentally in the same way as the guy who decides to hang himself, but the rope breaks, he falls, and twists his ankle, so that he can't get up and try again. As far as combat ability goes, what competence you might have seems to be a result of failing to apply incompetence correctly. There's a saying: "If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?" The answer is: "You have multiclassed fighter, bard, and sorcerer at uneven levels."
-Bane (sig)
In Ravenloft, the darkness attacks you!
-MagicMouth (sig)
Except the Paladin, since when did lawful mean soulless?
-Vaalingrade Ashland (sig)
Elf females being, well, female, and males being metrosexual wussies, I'd say Elves don't get any hangnails at all.
-Vestigial_Thumb
And then I'll find the person making magically reinforced adamantite torture devices with no latches, locks or hinge pins and I'll Smite them into oblivion...
-Kyuketsukiouji
Dude, in a game where dervishes kill 20 opponents in 6 seconds, war hulks / hulking hurlers can throw boulders the size of pluto, and halfling ranger/exemplars can hide from you while standing ten feet away in broad daylight, in the middle of the desert, with absolutely nothing between the two of you; are you really going to complain that the group has the ability to open a friggin door?
-Sir_Darien (sig)
D&D has also explicitly stated that corpses are objects. Corpses are therefore fair game when it comes to anything that involves interaction with them. You can have sex with, maim, burn, bury, brutally beat, eat, break, boil, use as a piñata, shave, ****, infest it with fungi/bacteria/parasites, drag it along the ground, play dodgeball with its head, play tea party, play house, do I have to go on? Anyways, all of the above things are unaligned when it comes to interaction with corpses, just as with end tables.
-Vestigial_Thumb (sig)
You have sex with end tables?
-Sildatorak (sig)
DM: So...after killing the orphans' only living guardian, spilling all their food and ripping apart their house with your search checks, and traumatizing them for life by waving your blood soaked sword at them...how do you justify staying chaotic good?
Lazarus: ...I thought he was a ****. I put a 3 gold pieces on the table, yell "Sorry!" to them, and then leave the house.
-Gorteck (sig)
You get a letter in the mail: "Congratulations! You have won a free manual of bodily health in the Adventurers Clearinghouse sweepstakes! Just bring this letter in person to Lord Jellybelly, Babyskull Castle, 534th layer of the Abyss."
-SnowbearK (sig)
"Hey, if I told you your face doesn't remind me all that much of a cricket with fetal alcohol syndrome, would you hold it against me?"
-feartheinvinceblehamster (referring to Mialee)
"I am a servant of the Divine Law. Nowhere on this character sheet does it say "Good", and there is no mention of "nice". Now, hand me my gloves, I'm taking 20 on searching the prisoner."
-Minister_for_Moral_Truth (sig)
The wonderful thing about Tarrasques
Is Tarrasques are wonderful things.
Stuff bounces off them like rubber
They'll swallow whole humanoid beings.
They're angry, scary, noisy, hungry,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about the Tarrasque
Is it's the only one!
-Millenium (sig)
If it looks like a wizard, acts like a wizard, moves like a wizard, but sounds like a duck, it ain't a wizard.
-Tempest Stormwind
Or it might be an Awkened Duck wizard with Subvocal casting from Planar handbook
-Purkake
This gave me the image of an imposing-looking mage about to cast a spell, and as soon as he opens his mouth, he says, "AFLAC!"
-Caeruleus (sig)
I know, autumn doesn't have an associated energy type.
-Sucros (sig)
I never thought having one's joy center viciously attacked by a multitude of poisonous snakes could be so...rewarding
-Lyinginbedmon (regarding a specific abuse of the Poison Healer feat)
But where's the fun in that? I mean, its just not the same without gibbering mouther tentacle pr0n!
(...i cant believe i just said that...)
-Squirrelloid (sig)
I'm sorry, but I'm really not comfortable with the combination of the words "cleave" and "take off my pants"...
-Surreal
You forget the PC rule: Reguardless of the entry, or box art for the creature, PC versions look however the hell they want
-Kobold_Avenger (sig)
In Eberron, if you're an elf, creation of undead is a good act. Another reason elves are inexplicably better at everything.
-Deagar
I'd have punched the little kid in the head and said "Sit down; don't you know who I am? I'm the PALADIN, *****!"
-CryoSilver
DM: "The orc cleaves the elf in twain"
Elf: "Does that make me a half-elf?"
-Kialindo (sig)
"The darkness lets out a shriek of pain and falls over dead."
-JabberWocky (describing the DM's response in a game with a ranger who , unaware, utters the famous words "I ATTACK THE DARKNESS!"; he hit a shade lurking in the darkness)
me (dripping with sarcasm): DM is there any sign these orcs are sembian?
elf: (more sarcasm) Yeah, Where are their weapons from?
DM (smiling): Well, if by Sembian, you mean that orcs are wandering monsters, and wandering monsters sometimes wander in different parts of the world, and Sembia happens to be a part of the world, and that orcs sometimes use weapons, and those weapons or ones similiar to them can be found in Sembia, then yes, they're Sembian.
-Prachett (describing a game where the two evil PCs were continually implying that sembians were behind everything; the companion remained completely unaware of their deception)
PC 1: You know this is a bad idea right?
PC 2: Yep.
PC 1: We're still going to do it though?
PC 2: You have a better idea?
PC 1: Other than not going through with your idea? No.
PC 2: Right... so you ready?
PC 1: *sigh* If we die, I'm going to kill you.
PC 2: I know ya will buddy, lets go.
-Nived
"Okay, I use a Survival check to survive getting hurt by the trap..."
-Thomar_of_Uointer
For no apparent reason, you burst into flames.
-Mantis
Monk: Alright, question: Can I...
...use my "rope" skill to impress her and thereby lower the cost, then use my "ride" skill to have her enjoy it and thereby lower the cost, and then use "escape artist" to get the hell outta there and cheat her out of the check?
-Mantis (about a prostitute)
DM: You still want that flying horse?
Player: Yeah!
DM: Well I don't have a flying horse, but I can give you a horse and a catapault.
-Vumyan
Chris:"Are there any Dragon feats that don't require you to be a Dragon?"
-Kiirnodel
"If I gain levels in both artificer and rules lawyer, can i take apart the old rules and rebuild new ones?"
-Kelstrel
No truly evil person should have an ability called "Summon Pudding".
-Slagger the Chuul (referring to the Thrall of Juiblex)
"But if you think about it, do you really wanna go around with swords instead of hands? You'd be utterly unable to pick up anything but Gargantuan chinese food. You'd be like Spark Man."
-Tyler Do'Urden (on Graft Weapon and Two-Weapon Fighting) (sig)
Might want to take it easy on those glowing purple vials. They may not be healing potions.
-YabaTheWhat (sig)
This weapon looks perfectly normal except that it is invisible
-Secrets Untold (sig)
As a paladin, you have a moral obligation to eat evil babies. I suggest using either gravy or hot sauce. Red wines compliment the taste of evil baby quite well.
-Comus (sig)
Silent portal disk (350gp, MoF p165):
Any door you put the disk on makes no sound, no creaking when you open it, no cracking if you smash the lock... If you cast "animate object" on the door, you will have the first door ninja ever.
-Sylvar (sig)
If you're feeling dirty, go the cheap way and stick your head in a bucket of water. The DMG's rules on drowning say that if you fail your constitution check, you go directly to 0 hit points exactly. So, voluntarily fail your constitution check and go from negative infinity to 0 without any hassle. Talk about baptismal rebirth...
-LordofProcrastination (sig) (the solution to a share pain combo whose downside was infinite damage)
Has anybody else noticed that the Elocater picture looks like he's wearing a C-PAP machine? How can I take a prestige class seriously when their poster boy looks like he has sleep apnea?
-Rhonin the Big (sig)
WotC follows only three rules of PrC/spell/feat/class writing.
1: If it involves divine magic of any sort, it must be at least twice as powerful as any arcane counterpart.
2: If it could ever possibly aid a sorcerer, it must explicitly contain rules that equate to "No sorcerer can use or ever take this, and if they can, it's an infinitely better choice for a wizard anyway".
3: If psionics is in any way involved, it will inevitably be nerfed for no reason discernable to any sane person, or become unexpectedly broken when combined with something printed 3 years ago.
-MysteryGilgamesh (sig)
Yes, rogues and druids have the same base attack bonus. I believe your comparison overlooks one important fact, however: namely, ROGUES DO NOT TURN INTO GIANT BEARS AND EAT PEOPLE.
-Talkkno (sig)
If I wanted to play a bum I could just go ahead and do that in RL. There is a gutter not 40' from my front door.
-Slyver (sig)
Here’s a quote from a campaign I was in a while back. At the time, it seemed hilarious.
DM: In the center of the room, you see two massive chests.
Me: I like massive chests.
-Maat_Mons
DM: In the room ahead you see a bunch of skeletons on the floor.
Players: Anything else?
DM: Um... and a door on the right.
Players: Okay so we send the rogue to check for traps on the door and I ...
DM: The skeletons attack you!
Players: Huh? Wha -- I thought they were just laying on the floor.
Other Players: Yeah, that's what you said.
DM: Oh, I meant they were standing on the floor with bows at the ready in their hands.
-Tleilaxu_Ghola
DM: "It is dark."
Player: "I light a tindertwig."
DM: "You see a dragon."
Player: *gulp* "I blow out the tindertwig."
DM: "So does the dragon. Make a saving throw."
-Veneficus (sig)
"Mind Flayers, which are time-travelling, brain-eating squids from another dimension, are a perfect fit in a D&D campaign. Ninjas, which are from Asia, are clearly a ludicrous addition."
-Reversefigure4 (sig)
My favorite D&D moment:
The party sees a soldier touch an evil artifact, go into an epileptic fit, and die. The artifact is still standing there; the soldier is lying dead nearby.
player: Now, as a paladin, am I allowed to loot him?
-Zathyr (sig)
I sent an e-mail asking why wood elves get +2 Str when other dwarves did not. My response from customer service consisted of five words: "Wood elves are really strong."
-lostone (sig)
DM: Well, the bad news is that you set off both traps. The good news is that you found a new trap!
-Flushmaster (sig)
And then there was an Eberron game, where the PCs were heading for Flamekeep on a mission. An NPC I was running warned the PCs about the Chruch of the Silver Flame. Well...actually, her exact words were:
"It is said that no one expects the Thranish inquisition."
-Templar Prime
It did seriously take us 3 hours to figure out how to get that squirrel out, My monks hand, our bards hand, and our barbarians hands were all destroyed. Our skeleton had his head chopped off. Our bard got his nose bitten off.
-Darkuwa (about a troublesome squirrel)
if they werent useless they would be overpowered.
-Lina_Inverse (board member; not the other one) (sig)
However, to say that this merits an immediate alignment change to Evil is excessive. Has this event really changed the PC's fundamental character, her beliefs and her behavior? Is she suddenly ruthless and cruel? Has she started eating kitten sandwiches?
-a_psh (sig)
"I'm Chaotic, so I can do whatever I wa nt, and I'm Nuetral, so I don't care if it's right or wrong. Anyways, I'm gonna go hand out some candy with razorblades in it to the kids in that village."
-ImmortalBlueMage (sig)
The simplest spell is always the best one. Why waste a fireball killing the old man who stole your gold when you can cast acid splash on his cane, watch it snap, and him tumble down onto the ground, break his hip, and die of internal bleeding[?]"
-Finwe (on creative Wizard spell uses) (sig)
My DM tried this once. I beat him, though. First, I pointed out that I was wearing a leather jacket, which according to d20 modern is +1 to AC. Then I pointed out that since he didn't regularly go around beating up people holding two weapons, he obviously had none of the Two-Weapon Fighting feats, and therefore was about to take a -8/-10 penalty on his attack roll. He condeded that as well, but told me he could still hit me. I pointed out to him that since books were improvised weapons, he obviously was't proficient with them, dropping him to -12/-14. Once I pointed out to him that since he was a 16-year-old with no job and therefore almost definitely a Commoner 1 with a BAB of +0, he couldn't hit me. The amazing thing was, he actually stopped trying.
-tsuyoshikentsu (sig)
Yes, instead of trying to establish a sensical ruling, just punish them! That's a fantastic idea!
I've got an even better solution. Every time a player does something you don't like, hit them in the face with a brick. That way they'd eventually either stop doing things you don't like or develop a concussion find themselves unable to roll dice.
-bitnine (sig)
Leader: "Good cleric, what is the character of that man's soul?"
Cleric: (casts a few Detect's) "He is lawful good."
Leader: "Ah, so he has lead a life of virtue and of principle."
Cleric: "Yeah, probably. Either that or he may have raped 50 nuns then put on a silly hat."
-AntiDjinn (sig) (regarding the helm of opposite alignment)
Remember: you cannot break magic items for your DR from Forsaker since you have to donate them all from VoP. Magic is evil! So give it to the orphans!
-PonTelon (sig) (discussing the combination of the Forsaker with Vow of Poverty)
"Is there any particularly vulnerable-looking patch of air?"
-Talen Lee (trying to critically hit air elementals)
I don't know if it makes much sense from a flavor perspective, but RAW it should transport you as per the spell in question.
-Tenebrous_Sage (discussing the use of a shadow illusion miracle to duplicate teleport)
Are you kidding? You're talking every Disney movie ever! "Lidda, the teleport WILL work... if you BELIEVE it will!"
-tsuyoshikentsu (sig)
D&D is not real life. D&D is He-Man. He-Man never asked whether Skeletor was beaten as a child, He-Man didn't care if his villains were "Just following orders", no, Skeletor lived in a cave, and that was reason enough to get his ass kicked.
-Slayer_5 (sig)
You could always set up camp and then just kill the reanimating PC over and over. When the DM asks what the hell you're doing, just tell him you're spawn-camping.
-Millennium (discussing a Ravenloft campaign where the DM reanimated character corpses despite attempts to keep them dead)
I'd say he could be called good. The genocide and **** kinda pushes it, but overall, good.
-suparman999 (sig)
But when it comes to housework, Fighters really kick the crap out of Riding Dogs.
-UndefinedDemonicEntity (sig)
Chaotic Neutral Paladin: "Wee! Fish astronaut plastic bag! Let's jump off a cliff and hunt for mushrooms." *sets a barn on fire*
-angryman (sig)
If I ever play a soulknife, I'm going to make his mind blade look like a tea cup. "I'm going to kill you with my tea cup."
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
Any other Devastation Vermin would have too many HD for you to control, and would start wrecking the joint up. Although, if you're summoning Colossal Vermin, you probably don't much care about your immediate surroundings anyway.
-Dead_Weasel
So in your system, Angels are the Stalinists, Devils the Fascists, Yugoloths the Capitalists, Guardinals the pacifists, Inevitables the police, and the chaotic guys are just violent teenagers?
-Kresalak (discussing someone's view on the various aligned powers)
I hereby suggest we rename the Paladin class as the Counselor Deanna Troi class. From now on, a "paladin" can only make comments about the fact that someone is evil. This should only be made while the said creature is currently attacking a group of innocent beings, "The creatures appear to be evil captain." And the "paladin" must now only try to understand the foes, but never confront them. Leave that up to the half-orc "Mr. Worf" class.
-pres_man (sig)
Paladin? Killed someone? Oh, that was wrong. Paladins have to be LG and that means I get to railroad them into Huggybear Forest where they have picnics with the faeries.
-CharlieRock
The rules make the assumption that you will be playing a fantasy adventurer. If you will not be playing a fantasy adventurer, then the rules are not for you. If I do not want to play a venture capitalist tycoon, then I will not play Monopoly. If I do not want to play a murder suspect, then I will not play Clue. By extension, if I do not want to play a fantasy adventurer, I will not play D&D.
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
Personally, I would come down in favour of destruction here, too, since True Death is normally your best can of "Undead-B-Gone" for removing pesky dark stains on the living world.
-Slagger the Chuul (discussing the vampire's gaseous form versus a Hunter of the Dead)
wizard with either Mind Over Body or Faerie Mysteries Initiate. Immediate action teleport 5/day, 9 HP, and 5 spells/day. I guess you take a bow or something. Then I place this character into a deathmatch!! against another character on an open featureless plane. (I also use an elaborate rig of wooden barriers on wheels dragged by a rope for added ridiculous fun.)
From what I've seen, this is how class balance is determined.
-bitnine (sig)
To go the other direction, as somebody mentioned -- if you summon a glabrezu to babysit the kids, he's going to take absolutely perfect care of them. "Come here, children. Today we're going to learn about blood sacrifice!" Corrupting innocent mortals is what fiends are all about!
-Keenath (sig)
1175) My Wild mage is no longer allowed to make magic items and forget what he is making halfway thru , thus creating possibly the only Vorpal Hammer in existance.("It knocks their block off" is NOT a reasonable explanation for how it works)
-sooperspook (from the "2001 Things I Am No Longer Allowed to do in an RPG" thread)
Mike (Human Paladin): “What is wrong with you!”
Joe (Dwarf Cleric): "It was a giant. I had to kill it.”
Mike (Human Paladin): "It was a baby!”
Joe (Dwarf Cleric): "That’s ok! My religion is pro-choice.”
-goblinbonez (sig)
As a friend of mine has pointed out to me, and as I can attest to, the main difference between sex and D&D is that for a short while after having sex, I stop thinking about it.
-caeruleus (sig)
In my experience, D&D itself isn't MEANT to be a low magic setting. It's like... I don't know... taking The Force and Jedi out of Star Wars campaign and replacing it with angry clowns who drink beer and swear alot or something. It makes no sense to run D&D like that.
-UMCorian (sig)
Let's get one thing straight: you can't do ANYTHING with 10 Con as a melee person. Except DIE. Die a horrible, horrible burning death with pain from a thousand suns. Which are also on fire. And killing you with their flaming fiery flames of death.
-Domenic (sig)
Why are so many posts on the board the equivalent of " Dear Dr. Crotch, I keep punching myself in the crotch, and my groin hurts... what should I do? How can I make my groin stop hurting?"
-Grand Theft Otto (sig)
Totally true. Historians believe that most past civilizations would have endured for centuries longer if they had successfully determined Batman's alignment.
-StormKnight (sig)
I don't even stat out commoners. Commoner = corpse that just isn't a zombie. Yet.
-claypigeons (sig)
Some people seem to forget that a Neutral character is as evil as he is good, and that Neutral is not Good-Lite, Diet Good, I Can't Believe It's Not Good, Artificially Flavored Good Product, or anything like that.
-CryoSilver (sig)
Physical attraction is not absent from D&D, but its not the prime driving factor. Killing things and taking their stuff in the form of wanton vigilantism is.
-High Octane
Kinda like Martha Stewart with Kleptomania.
-nightside_samurai (about kender)
Kender are an unoriginal race from the Dragonlance universe that are halflings who have been hit in the back of the head with a shovel.
-_Jayne_Cobb_
DM: "You hear hoofbeats..."
Idiot Player: "Are they magical hoofbeats?"
-BloodBought (sig)
...but the fact is that the Drow do not live in a Matriarchy. They live in a Psycho-b!tchiarchy.
Look at their patron deity. Lolth is a crazy teenage girl who really hates the funny feelings that boys give her so she beats them, devours them, and then cries about why no one wants to talk to her. Sometimes she want's to be nice, but she just can't give up that 'necro-goth' spasm-anger image she worked so hard to build. She wants to go to the prom, but everyone will make fun of her, so she'll just light their houses on fire and kill their babies instead. Her hair is black this week, blue next week, and shaved clean off the week after that. All the while, she's killing everyone who looks at her, everyone who ignores her, everyone who worships her, and everyone who forsakes her. She's practically a goth cheerleader.
-PhantomTrain (sig)
"After all, when you're a necromancer, a graveyard is really nothing more than a moss-covered harem."
-Xagunder (sig)
Perhaps they're approaching it in steps. In 3rd edition, Mialee is Haunting, in 4th edition, she will be beautiful, and by 5th edition, she will be hauntingly beautiful.
-dknight100 (sig)
most of the PrCs Wizards release could come be in the same book: Complete Crap.
-Sang-Drax (sig)
Fighter isn't a Class,
A Class has Class Abilities
-Aryxbez (sig)
Life is full of choices. Sometimes you make the good ones, and sometimes you have to kill all the witnesses.
-ThorvaldHafgrimsson (sig)
Now here's a novel idea;
laxative tipped arrows. So when one finds its way into your skull, you'll have other things to worry about!
-zlatko
It also works as a "tracking device" if you fail to kill the target and it escapes....
-revnk (on the Uranium Sword thread; from archive)
This thread was doomed before it started. It was doomed while it was reaching the conceptual stages of it's creation. This is not to be compared to the aircraft crashing in the hangar before it takes off. This was more like each individual portion of the plane, still not reaching a centralized location for the final assembly to be truly christened a plane, spontaneously combusting into their own respective balls of fire. It was dead before it truly had a chance to live.
-VerdugoExplode
If a paladin had killed this thread in it's infancy, he would not only retain his powers, he would get a free exalted feat.
-Bane
It's like that movie, Sometimes They Come Back. Not the undead part, I mean the part about not being that good and having all these awful sequels.
-revnk (separate comments on the Uranium Sword thread; from archive)
If a normal prestige class is like getting a car, and the Incantrix is like getting a Transformer, then the Metamind is like getting a swift kick in the nuts.
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
The problem is not the tentacles. It's that every other kind of "aberrant" quality have been pushed into another box, labed "Ooze", "Fiend", "Elemental", "Elven subspecies" etc.
-Wauthan (sig) (about the many different tentacled aberrations)
Your first post is like, "This guy shirks the law and does whatever he thinks is the Right Thing, and he'll pummel innocent bystanders to do it! Also, he has sex with a cat. What's his alignment!?"
-INeedNoSalt (sig) (on Chaotic Neutral characters)
Widen Personal Attack [Metacommunication]
You can alter a personal attack to increase the number of opponents hit with your argument. Any opponents hit will automatically be inflamed. A widened personal attack uses up three pages worth of posts dedicated to discussing your argument.
Arguments that nobody cares about (such as whether the chicken or the egg came first) are not affected by this feat.
-DoveArrow (sig)
If your Wis is high (and it may well be, you've got a racial +2 Wis boost from being a weasel), consider working your way into ur-priest.
-Shaggy_Shaggs
Maybe it isn't D&D you don't like but 3.x. Have you tried older, clunkier editions of D&D of which 3e was a vast improvement?
-_Jayne_Cobb_
Dude, if life gives you lemons: you don't make lemonade.
You should think. Think long and hard. If you can get an abstract concept like Life to give you real tangible lemons; you are close to finding out the secrets of the universe.
-Nephlite
For just a moment, pretend that we're playing a gamed called Bandits & Beverages. It's a lot like D&D, but slightly different.
In Bandits & Beverages there is a rule which states that you must give up all of your dollars in exchange for the ability to get robbed (and/or shanked.)
-Johnny_Angel (sig)
Evil is the universe's single most-effective all-natural breast enlarger.
-Jaimas (sig)
Show me somewhere - anywhere in 3.5 rules - that gives monetary value to a psicrystal. It's a fragment of the manifester's mind. It'd be like saying "Your kidney has a value of 15 grand, so you are disqualified from VoP"
-Bacris (discussing Psicrystal Affinity with Vow of Poverty)
Who doesn't love the Lolipope?
-Joni-san
That mean ol' Cardinal Krozen, for starters. With everyone addicted to the sugary sweetness of the Lolipope, there's no one left to sell his line of Krozen dinners to.
-AntiSean (sig) (The Church of the Silver Flame is led by a young girl named Jaela Daran. She is also called the Lolipope by some posters, or Jailbait Daran)
Why settle for a Pseudonatural Black Cat when you can have an UNDEAD Pseudonatural Black Cat composed of the stitched-together corpses of MULTIPLE Pseudonatural Cats..?
-Eidolon Faer (sig) (on never being satisfied with merely abnormal)
Martial adepts continue to play the same game that everyone else has been playing, with various new refinements and twists, up through twenty. This game can be called D&D. High-level spellcasters get to play the all-new games of Rocket Launcher Tag and "Let's Bone Reality Up The Backside", and nobody else gets to play.
-BenSen (sig) (on the balance of Martial Adepts)
Well, Vecna is an ancient lich, so I imagine that anything that applies to beef jerky applies to him.
-bugsysservant (sig)
why are you getting in a bar room brawl?
-cjhobbitbane
Why else do they put a bar there?
-Dvus
Thus, if a demon had dr10/good but did less than 10 damage with its attack, then it can never injure itself with its physical attacks.
-runestar
Demonic Suicide Prevention? Has it really come down to this? Emo is more pervasive than I thought. This is sader than the discussion i had last weakend about the troll that cuts itself........
-ToastedAmphibian
One thing I learned about Disintegrate back in 1st edition: Never disintegrate a wall without making sure it is not holding back 10,000 tons of molten lava.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
"Yes, Nick, a Vorpal longsword was once Vorpal sheet metal."
-Raynx (sig)
Heal fixes crazy, too.
-Zombie Babies (sig)
Shoot first, cast Speak with Dead later.
-Lord Varos (sig)
Well, the Locate City Bomb is not so much a spell as a hideous amalgamation of metamagic feats. Let's see if I have this right:
You start with Locate City, which is a 1st level spell with a 10 mile/level radius. Then you apply Snowcasting, which gives the spell the [Cold] descriptor. Now you add the Flash Frost metamagic feat, which causes it to deal 2 points of Cold damage, and makes it a 2nd level spell. Now you apply Energy Substitution [Electricity] to make it deal Electricity damage instead. Next, now that it deals Electricity damage, you can apply Born of the Three Thunders, which, among other things, causes the spell to allow a Reflex save. Now that it allows a Reflex save, it qualifies for Explosive spell, which makes it a 4th level spell. Any creature that fails its Reflex save is now propelled to the outside of the 10 mile/level radius, taking 1d6 points of damage per 10 feet traveled with no cap.
-Bauglir
Oh lovely Hammerspace not to be confused with hammer-time (can't touch this).
-Nephlite
However, thanks to MC Einstein, we know Hammerspace and Hammertime to be one and the same.
-AlterFrom
Three words: Craft Contingent Spell. Anyone who enters the chamber without speaking the command words gets hit by cloudkill, chain lightning, delayed blast fireball, confusion, acid storm, finger of death, stinking cloud, ice storm, etc.
-oracle71
I thought that feat could only make spells contingent on creatures.
-Fireclave
So, anyone entering the chamber containing this sheep...
-Slagger the Chuul
Sheep need food and water. Homunculi however do not, and are still creatures.
-green_yawgmoth
So anyone entering this chamber containing a sheep which is wearing a ring of sustenance...
-Bedeverekm
"So i cast Hold Person on the soylent green... and it stopped moving. I'm scared now.
-Rulebook
Being a vampire should be a fate worse than death. However, most people treat it as being a super hero with some dietary restrictions.
-MusicOfCreation
Seriously, you're saying blowing stuff up, moving real fast, and flying around is anime? I guess that makes every edition of D&D Hardcore Anime.
-Alter_Boy
In 1974 a crack rules-lawyering unit was sent home from the gaming store by an authoritarian DM for a rules error they did not commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security basement to the Wizards D&D Forums. Today, still unwanted by any game, they survive as soldiers of slanted rhetoric. If you have a problem, if no one else remembers the PH page, and if they happen to be online, maybe you can hire the D&D Police.
-meabolex (sig)
I mean - look at it this way. A colossal foe can also sneak attack a halfling with a rock bigger than the halfling himself.
-runestar
Giant: Me know how use rock to hit femoral artery for make Extra squishy!
-Fireclave (sig)
Without an Intelligence score or racial bonus, ordinary air will never be able to make the check. However, an atmosphere composed of advanced primal air elementals focused on Escape Artist could pass through the wall..
Conclusion: A wall of force is airtight, given an insufficiently skilled volume of air.
-Slagger the Chuul
Elves can trance if you want to. You can leave the rules behind. 'Cause their elves don't trance and if they don't trance, well, they're no elves of mine.
-InkBlot (In a thread discussing why Eladrin can trance and Elves can't) (sig)
DM: "As you approach the warehouse..."
Me: "A Were-house? Is that half-man/half-house?"
Sean: "Yes. It suffers from the curse of lycarpentry."
Me: "Damn. I forgot my silver hammer and nails."
-Grok-This (sig)
Flurry of blows is much weaker than sneak attack (you can tell because 'blows' is in the name).
-MagickHobo
Figuring someone's life is worth X gold compared to sword value Y is also metagaming (unless you're an assassin).
-Bob Loblaw (discussing sundering and the possibility losing your life to gather treasure by not using it). (sig)
The katana isn't a wonder of swordsmanship. It's a wonder of advertising.
-Irving (sig)
The alienist is fairly standard in terms of power, and simply drools flavour. The downside is that it drools so much flavour that no-one wants to be anywhere near you in case it gets on their shoes.
-Slagger the Chuul
It took me a round to wake up ... and by the time I was ready, my horse had already killed the bad guy.
-(Psi)SeveredHead
Heidi was also an assassin. I have no idea if she planned things so cleverly on her own, or if it was an afterthought, this dear little goat-herder with the little alpine dress, skipping along with her shepherd's crook in her hand, setting her flock to grazing, then taking up a crossbow position on a mountain road while she waitied for her target to go by, then skipping back home with the flock being diligently herded along...
-Shiftkitty (describing a character played by a niece)
You know you qualify as artillery when it's more effective to use divination magic to locate your targets than a Spot check.
-zombiegleemax (describing a PsiWarrior 17/Cragtop Archer 3 using the extend range power)
Who needs full bab when you can get 6 attacks at 8d8+30 when naked, lol.
-Legdiwena
Only when naked? I guess I'm not the only one who tried that trick with Extended Reach.
-Slagger_the_Chuul
"It was a great tactic, and our GM applauded us. Sadly the Werewolf burst free in only two rounds, and killed everyone but the Sorceress who teleported away with only one arm."
-Tetsuoh
I can’t believe you just cited Captain America as a source for logical validity.
-BrogueTheRogue (discussing the effectiveness of shield bash)
This whole thread reminds me of something that my girlfriend, frustrated by the "chicks in chainmail" stereotype, came up with a while back. She decided that there had to be a good, logical reason for women and men wearing such skimy outfits while adventuring, and decided that there was only one possible reason: a prestige class so good that every warrior-type would want to take it. She never got around to writing it up, but every now and again she threatens to bring back the Chainmail Bikini Warrior PrC. LOL.
-Hida Jiremi
Vanador: OK. You ripped a gateway to Hell, killed half the town, and raised the dead as feral zombies. We're going to kill you. But it can go two ways. We want you to run as fast as you possibly can toward the south of the town to draw the Zombies to you, and right before they catch you, I'll put an arrow through your head to end it instantly. If you don't agree to do this, we'll tie you this building and let the Zombies rip you apart slowly.
Dimitry: God I love being Neutral.
-Kalnaur
If you can't understand how someone yelling at another person would make them fight harder and longer, then you need to look at the forums a bit closer.
-Timmeh
Vanador: "Shifty's soul is in a better place. …Well, actually, it isn't. It was eaten by a Devourer and destroyed utterly after being tortured and used to shoot dark necrotic energy waves at us. We know, we were there. Cheer up family and loved ones, I’m sure being blasted to complete non-existence isn't as bad as it looked to us, who were watching it happen slowly and painfully."
-susannymn
DM: The Lady Ruth approaches you after the meeting.
Dimitry: Is she the one with the nubile hair?
DM: Yes she's the one with the nubile hair.
-susannymn
Vanador: ...Hey Dimitry?
Dimitry: Yeah?
Vanador: Just thought of something. You know those Warforged we put in our bag of holding when we were going to the Giants, as backup? Like, a week ago?
Dimitry: ...We never took them out, did we.
Vanador: Maybe we should drop in some cards, or something.
Dimitry: Good plan.
-susannymn
Wiz: I concentrate on the big oak tree.
DM: You detect dozens of minds concealed by the leafy boughs.
Wiz: I pick one at random and zero in on its thoughts.
DM: It's a sprite. It's sharpening arrows.
Wiz: What's it thinking?
DM: "I hope those two humans have some cool s***."
-Mynameisjake (describing one of two evil PCs using detect thoughts)
Glitterdust is one of those spells that some apprentices are afraid to take for fear of looking like fairy princesses; real mages just care whether or not it works. Magical fairy princesses (i.e. all fairy princesses) have the pleasant situation of not needing to choose, unless they're rebellious teen emo fairy princesses.
-Slagger_the_Chuul
So you can have the basic stats of full plate armor in an iron loincloth or steel bikini?
If you were playing Jeopardy, you'd get points for that.
-StevenO & Tempest_Stormwind (about Gloryborn armour)
So we have a real world basis for it to rain cattle
-MrCustomer (regarding falling whales and an example of a cow falling from a transport plane)
Has anyone else thought about just how utterly screwed the world that has all of the elder evils active at the same time really is?
Plagues of undead, an unnatural fecundity to all life that causes people to mutate into abberations, -strange- weather, snakes and worms everywhere, people going berserk all over the place, the sun going dark while icy monsters roam free looking for people to "convert," divine casters and conjurers all finding themselves cut-off from the planes they draw their power from, and two large-ish celestial objects on a collision course. Makes Athas (the world of Dark Sun) look like an amusement park, don't it
-Kelb Panthera (from GitP boards)
The destruction of the Hulks drops one of the defenses around Pandorym who's greater sign messes up the binding on Father Llymic (and thus starts to free him) who's greater sign (turning off the sun) causes enough chaos to make the Leviathan's awakening possible and the deaths caused by those continent spanning storms are enough to attract Atropus while such a concentration of negative energy is enough to attract Ragnorra, the occurrence of so many disasters in short order and the inability of the gods to stop (or even predict) them causes greatly increased worship in Sertrous. The earthquakes caused by Ragnorra's impact caused enough damage to Edwin Tolstoff's prison to free him and he thus goes to free Kyuss. Zargon is also freed from the earthquakes and is wandering around killing stuff.
-Emperor Tippy (from GitP boards; explaining how Elder Evils might all be active)
Frankly, a Wizard can suck even more than a Fighter could ever dream of sucking. A Fighter can stab himself to death, but only a Wizard could Plane Shift to some horrible far realm to be tortured for an eternity of insanity.
-Jaronk (sig from GitP boards)
That would be rather dull for mine, since he's invisible and all but untouchable. You'd just see the icky things explode randomly as he sneaks up to them without them realizing and bursts through them like some sort of horrific Kool-Aid Man.
-Rubik
Explain to me how that's dull?
-Karoht
There wouldn't be any dramatic tension. No plot development. No real conflict. Just *SPLAT.*
-Rubik
It really depends on how you do it. If you just cut a scene to an elder evil, and have him immediately explode, that sounds pretty boring. However, if you spend some time with the elder evil, build some dramatic tension, have him look over his shoulder before deciding that he didn't hear anything, you could basically create a horror majig with an elder evil as the protagonist. After he explodes, you gain some additional benefits from a narrative perspective. The second elder evil would have some dramatic irony attached to his death, so you could play up that angle of it for some purpose. Maybe he can talk about the mighty future that will come about under the reign of his mighty evil, especially now that one of the other elder evils is out of the way. After that one dies, I'd have to figure that the other elder evils would recognize a pattern, and start reacting to that in whatever way seems the most fitting. You can get a lot of mileage out of that by really characterizing the elder evils through their feelings on this matter. Perhaps one reacts by claiming that his exploded brethren are weak where he is strong, while another is horrified about his inevitable demise, but only shows it when minions aren't around. Maybe there can be some theories about why the elder evils are exploding. Anyway, it could possibly end with the reveal of how these elder evils are dying, or maybe it ends when the last guy dies, and you never know for sure how it happened. The more empathy the reader builds up for elder evils, the more the story has succeeded. That seems like a pretty workable way to do it.
-eggynack (from GitP boards, discussing one of the characters made to fight all the Elder Evils)
Albeit, Tauric was also responsible for one of the stupidest concepts I ever saw, a werebear tauric bear. He was just trying to stack up the physical mods and so, he had the bottom half of a bear. And during the full moon the top half turned into. . . another bear.
-Hasivel (from GitP boards, discussing templates)
So you end up stuck in an endless loop, unable to act, forever.
In retrospect, much like Keanu Reeves.
-The Mad Linguist (sig, from brilliantgameologists)
In my humble opinion, CO is haberdashery. Some say we're mad, but we can all agree we're hatters. Yes, we have potential to make very sophisticated hats, very fancy hats, be they dark or light. But the truth is that the color of the hat does not come from the group of us - our community doesn't directly produce hats. We simply give average head circumferences, list current fashion trends, and point out some shiny, obscure baubles to add to the latest hat line.
-Negative Zero (sig about Character Optimization, from brilliantgameologists)
there is no mechanical rules for old or young age... simply up to the DM... now the question is, would it be normal for a 12 year old boy running around conjuring hellfire and burning people alive and ripping the very soul from their bodies and then having sold his soul to some demon in exchange for said power?... not to debunk your stuff, but this ain't no anime where everyone's a pretty 10-14 year old boy and girl =P
that said, nothing mechanically benefits nor is detrimental to your age.
-daspian
It's not normal for anyone to do those things, regardless of age.
-Fimbrial
I once was engaged in a brief argument regarding what equipment should be available for purchase at a specific location.
I had designed my Yuan-Ti empire after the Aztecs, and so the player contended that, since the Aztecs existed in proto-Mexico, they should be able to buy bootlegged scrolls there.
I allowed them to go around asking the locals for such items, but eventually their diplomatic immunity wore thin and they were taken captive by slavers.
-Xefas (from GitP boards)
The old Wish is where you tell the Wizard, 'hey, your power this level? It's the power to get kicked in the balls. You're welcome.'
-angelfromanotherpin (from thegamingden board)
So far my favorite is the guy who complained that they used the word 'shuriken' instead of 'throwing knife' or 'dart' because it means he won't be able to use it without his rogue automaticly being a weaboo.
-Harlune (from thegamingden board)
D&D is an elf from Tolkien, a barbarian from Howard, and a mage from Vance fighting monsters from Lovecraft in a room that looks like it might have been designed by Wells and Giger.
-TiaNadiezja (sig)
This is the quotes file I accumulated over the years on the boards (starting with a post by bitnine), mostly from 3rd Edition times, and with occasional things I ran across on another board. Items marked with "(sig)" indicate the quote was taken from someone's signature, rather than directly from an original post. There are a few by me in here, generally included because someone else sigged or quoted them. Some of it is stuff that might have been copied from elsewhere. Add some of your own if there are any good ones you remember.
Ah, posting on the WotC boards isn't complete until you witness a moral debate on whether a paladin lighting babies on fire out of spite violates his code of conduct or not.
-bitnine
Vote Cthulhu for president in 2004. Why go for a lesser evil?
Ninja warrior-"White devil, feel the wrath of the sword Demon-Tongue! It was forged of steel brought forth from the center of Mt. Fuji and heated in the flames of a thousand burning trators. It was then cooled in the water of life in the temple of the emperor. It has killed thousands in its centuries of use. Prepare to di......uhgggggg"
(PC shoots in the stomach with .44 Magnum)
PC- "Ninja poser, feel the wrath of gun Magnum. It was crafted by a underpaid man named Joe in a factory in Jersey and heated by coal from PA. It was then sold to Mike Squareenie's pawn shop on 34th and Broadway. So far to my knowledge it has never been used to kill anyone but in about ten minutes after your body goes into shock it will be up to one. Sayanara, sucker."
-Toptomcat (sig)
"Positive energy is not inherintly good. Anything that can make you explode is not inherently good."
-R.M.G.C.L.F. (Read My Glowing, Claw-Like, Finger.)
I mean come ON... if life gives you lemons you just squeeze the juice in its eyes and scream "SHANDAR YOU OAF!!! I SAID LIMES!!!"
To Tyflin : rest in pieces, the elephant that squashed you is still dead by the way...
You shouldn't be so hard on the DM, after all he is only twelve... he is only twelve right?.
-Stoned Golem
Cast spells DBZ style. Five rounds of screaming minimum, followed by a fireball. "Casting time" should be in direct proportion to the urgency of the spell. Your CLW should take at least 11 rounds.
-Dareon132
"You are not only wrong in your call, but possibly are the worst DM ever, akin to some sort of biblical plague. I'm surprised that your players don't start bleeding from their eyes or spontaneously combusting from being in the same room with you, let alone survive subjecting themselves to what you've termed a game."
-bitnine
Just beware, this will rapidly deteriorate into a twisted version of hot potato with a rapidly decomposing corpse.
-anshar
"You have been ressurected. By a Pit-fiend cleric. Of Pelor."
'There is no longer fighters fighting, theives stealing, etc. I think somehow it goes beyond this. We jokingly reference the idea of being "Monte Cooked" after we played his adventure the Banewarrens. ... The great red wyrm is no longer a good encounter. It's now got to be the great, demonic, undead, colossal, half celestial vermillion dragon'
-broghammerj (EN World)
There should be a feat, "Don't spill the beer". After all, if you've had to beg to get it, you don't want it spilled...
-msoya (from "VoP + Drunken Master = Possible???" Thread)
Special K [General]
You spell magic with a 'k.' There's no real dictionary difference, but you insist there is. And that makes you better, right?
Benefit: You add +1 to the DCs of your spells and spell-like abilities, and you gain a +1 bonus to your saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities.
Normal: There's no 'k' in 'magic.'
"It's not so much that nice guys finish last...It's more like...there's a sniper, hiding in the stadium, and he shoots out the nice guys' kneecaps, so that they can't even run the race. And then they sick the dogs on 'em."
-Loserz
Not intentionally of course, it's just that when they cuddle they tend to burn flesh. It's not their fault that they're poor misunderstood miscreants from the Nth layer of hell bent on world domination and the eradication of all that is good.
--Biccat (on Hellhounds)
WE ARE THE WORG: YOU WILL BE MASTICATED. YOUR BIOLOGICAL AND NUTRITIONAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL BE ADDED TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS PAINFUL.
Player: Wait, that provokes an attack of opportunity right?
DM: Yah, it does.....
Player: Oh yah, 26.... wahoo 13 damage!
DM: Congratulations, you've just killed your parties cleric.
--AaronXVI
Why is it that everything you say makes me want to kill you, boil you down to your base components, and then participate in an extremely gorey Feng Shui competition?
-DrakeRunner
Monk (NPC): "What is the sound of one hand clapping?"
Cleric (player): I cast Legend Lore
Psion (Player): I manifest hypercognition
DM: (Shakes head in disgust)
Being a necromancer doesn't mean you are evil. Wanting to take over the world and attempting it by animating the dead into an army of death, and wrenching souls screaming from their bodies...That's a sign you're evil.
"So, dude, we let the rogue James Bond his way in, let him jimmy the door somehow and just blitz the front of the fortress, then, like, the mage Hiroshima's the place. Then we fight our way out, Rambo style!!!"
DM: Okay, you can have a golem, but he only works in return for payment.
Kharas[Ftr6/Sorc1]: How about if I call him Fred. With a "ph." And he only works for cookies.
Phred[Flesh Golem]: COOKIE!!!
DM: What do mean "You torch it...?"
Me: I'm not chasing him in there...
DM: It's only an orphanage...You know, full of orphans.
Me: Exactly...It isn't like anybody owns them or anything!
This makes absolutely no sense at all; your DM needs to be shot. with a hammer
If you're really a Goth, then where were you when we were sacking Rome?
Why shouldnt be a Lord of the Rings d20 game?
Gandalf:
"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?"
Random Cleric: "Yes, I can"
With a coupe de gras, I can make broth or gravy. With a coup de grace, I can only make fertilizer.
-Luminous Crayon
"I think I would enjoy a long, languid afternoon of combing Orlando Bloom's Legolas hair like a My Little Pony."
-neonnurse
"corpses are notoriously indifferent to offers of redemption."
-Chris24061
Planets, as objects, are immune to critical hits.."
-Elmaster of Thay, 12/26/03
Petal: "You realize what this makes you, right?"
Rhames: "Well, sure. I'm three-eighths Elf, one-quarter Gold Dragon, one-eighth Human and one-quarter Air Elemental."
Petal: "I was going to say it makes you descended from total perverts."
-Daybreaker
Yeah, if the players actually found a spell useful enough to take, 3.5 fixed it."
-Edymnion
The strangest so far was no doubt my friend's sorceress who decided that the price the beholder asked for his information was not too high for her...
-Fredrik Svanberg
DM: The Wemic picks up the unconscious wizard (DM's pet NPC).
Me: Can I have an AoO because he isn't paying attention to me?
DM: Umm, I guess, sure. That makes sense.
Me: I disarm the Wizard that the Wemic is holding, and he's at -4 because he's unproficient!
DM: No wait, you can't do that!
Me: Okay, I sunder.
DM: ...
DM: Roll a disarm.
-Sensei Gith
All that needs to be said is that the Vow Of Poverty is very, very wrong. It is wronger than 1+1=3. It makes Custer's decision to stay and fight look right.
-Elrana
Of course, he's an epic psion, so perhaps he just looks like that all the time. I imagine it makes it difficult to get normal service in most restaurants.
-Dr. Awkward
Kacra, the Black Monk: Take yourself from my presence, befor I kill you, for I am an aesetic.
Solar: And what would the fact that you have renounced earthly pleasures have to do with killing me?
Kacra: Killing you would give me great pleasure.
Solar: I take it drinking that tea doesn't give you pleasure?
Kacra: ... Shut up.
Look. The people the RPGA dislike - those who use "non-core" material - are the ones WoTC depends on. We buy their splatbooks, we sweep their source books, we embrace Rule 0, Houserulings and the Open Gaming License. We oppose Munchkinism, make up the majority of the DM population and make our own campaign settings while you sleep. Do not screw with us.
-Why does it seem like the classes raised by wolves have more skill points than city folk?
Tongue of the Sun and Moon (Ex): A monk of 17th level or higher can speak with any living creature.
It would be fun to walk through a valley while the monk tries to block out the plants chanting "Pho-to-SYNTH-esis pho-to-SYNTH-esis!", or the "Ow ow ow" as you step on the grass.
"No matter how bad you make it seem, your players will always read the scroll."
DM " Reggar is dead, Alii is dead, and Ven is dead. The red dragon is charging at you, what do you do"
Player- Lights up a cigarette "Before you kill me, I'm rich, and I'm a relatively influential person. Need a Henchman?"
The proper classification of elves remains something of a conundrum. While some sages classify them as mammals (Faerinidae), other scholars say that the long lives of the elves and their remarkable ability to adapt to whatever climate they happen to live in, producing a number of subspecies (the number appears to increase exponentially and it is believed that in 200 years time the entire elven species will consist of different subspecies, i.e., one subspecies per living elf), leads naturally to the conclusion that they should be classified as as a sort of bacterium. -- Asta Kask
Stupidly, everyone got full experience. I'm not angry that the guy who provided ground fire got experience. I'm not too angry about the guy who hid himself in the snow getting experience. I'm not even that mad about the guys who just stood there helplessly. But the guy who made a snowman I took issue with.
-Vanigo
DM: On the demon's body is a magical chain +5. It uses the Cornugon's wounding power.
Player: I pick up the Cornugon's Chain.
DM: It can only be used by Lawful Evil Cornugons.
Player: I have Use Magic Device... uh oh... I rolled a 5...
DM: As your hand melts off the chain drops to the ground. The wound continue spreading.
Player: I chop my hand off!
DM: <begins weeping he is laughing so hard>
I just think people who can violate reality by eating various disgusting and bizzare objects and doing cute little dances should be more powerful than the guy with a shaped lump of iron.
-Vaalingrade Ashland
Fine, the dragon drops his bag of commoners at his feet.
- Vaalingrade Ashland's response to "Bag-o-rats"
"At least they weren't Frost Giants. It would have been much worse if they were Frost Giants."
-Said by metalgod85's npc after getting fatally wounded by hill giants
Also, please don't turn more people against the idea of Illithid PCs by playing a savant. The Savant is just bad. It makes children cry, and game developers with half a brain want to claw out their eyes. Also, you stand a far better chance of talking your GM down if you promise not to even look sideways at this class. It's for the best.
-Khaibit_Ema_Neteru
Fresh baked cookies, chocolate or hot chocolate, good coffee, honeysuckle, and... ...new car!
-Originally posted by Luminosity (From the "What do celestials smell like?" thread)
Arturick: Yeah, I took everything unrealistic out of the game. No spells, no magic, no ki, no dice...
I call it, "Four Guys Beating Each Other With Sticks in the Backyard."
"Talk about eating people, or make a new thread."
-Mumbling Rogue
During a battle with an evil wizard npc....
Me: I walk up 10 feet from the wizard, reach into my Robe of Useful Things and throw a rowboat at him!!
DM: ... *rolls* ...you pin the wizard under the rowboat.
-Second
"Your party gathers in the tavern to plot the death of Ao.. and is instantly killed."
-Unknown
Tell me how a level 1 fighter in your campaign could get his hands on a +5 vorpal sword, and I'll tell you what kind of an idiot you are.
KENDER:
The best description of them I've ever heard comes courtesy of Edymnion ...
"perpetually hyperative kleptomaniac 5-year-old communists."
-Azual
I mean, that seems like something pretty common to do; if the DM wants to make fun of you because you almost died, the DM will. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. A DM that doesn't chuckle evilly isn't a real DM.
-Sheer_FALACY
Monkcicle are they available in your grocer's freezer section?
-edwardsobel
From the 3.5 SRD:
Ogres favor overwhelming odds, sneak attacks, and ambushes over a fair fight...
So next time the players get out of line, toss in a big group of ogres with improved initiative, several levels in rogue, and max ranks in hide. If they complain, tell them thats how the SRD says ogres are supposed to be played.
-Kethka
Hagglefoot Thighripper
Halfling Rogue/ Cleric of Gond
"Silver Dagger Aimed AWAY from Crotch, Check, Bolts for Crossbow Aimed Away from Crotch, Check,...
-Hagglefoot
"I could never suck quite that hard as a DM even if put max ranks in Perform (crappy DMing) and took Lack Of Skill Focus."
-flyingmoose
DM: ok, you think your pendant is telling you that the spikes go down if you turn the mechanism right, and up if you you turn it left...
Psychic: turn it to the right!
Player: I turn it to the right
*screams of pain come from the spike room.*
player: huh... I turn it some more... that's not supposed to happen is it?
-Sarrin
Something you should note; a dagger in a Drow's back is listed as natural causes.
-Carkni
"Special: On a missed Plot Hook attack, the target(s) of the Plot Hook will behave as if panicked or confused (equal chance for either) for the next 1d4 hours."
-Lincoln Hills
Hitpoints of Earth = 69,031,246,210,378,008,728,371 hp
So all you have to do is find a spell that can do a little over 69 sextillion points of damage to objects, and you can destroy the earth.
Poor Riplox. Killed when when he was squashed...by a sackful of rations. (Actual occurrence of stupid-death)
-Riplox
1500 cubic feat of squirels... melting at the earth's core - it's a great thought.
-Zelphi
"are you ever annoying! Everytime I turn around its"Hey Black_Void, can you gimmie an autograph?" or "Hey Black_Void, can you hang with me for a little bit so I can look cool?" or "Hey B_V, can you have sex with my girlfriend so I can impress her?".....I AM ONLY ONE MAN, SAVRAS! I can't help you through life 24/7! "
(Black_Void's response to my question "Am I Irritating?", and the funniest thing I read in a long, long while...)
Actually, he is a lover, not a warrior, buuuut a few fireballs never hurt anyone either...now have they?
-preacher of nothing
Well, yeah, they did actually. That is kinda the point of fireballs.
-Arquinsiel
Rico: "'Um, I'm here to check your gas line.'"
DM: "That's seriously your bluff?
Rico: "You're damn right."
DM: "I'm going to have to give them a +20 circumstance bonus to their sense motive roll, as they have no idea what a 'gas line' is."
Rico: "Bring it on."
[They roll.]
Rico: "Let's see ... a 19 plus my +11 Bluff modifier. You?"
DM: (quiet for a moment, looking at the 2 he has just rolled; then) "They let you into their back yard."
-Lottelita
You are not your party. You're not how much gold you have in the bank. You're not the horse you ride. You're not the contents of your haversack. You are not your magic freaking platemail.
You are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the realm. We are all adventuring in the same compost heap.
-Tyler Do'Urden
New definition for balance as a verb: to slowly smother the life from. "Lenny balanced the rabbit, so George had to get him a new one."
-Vaalingrade Ashland(discussing spell changes in 3.5)
"The ground gets a turn just like everyone else, and it simply readies an action, waiting to strike at anyone who falls towards it." --Phrennzy 07/14/04
Stealing your own pants without you realizing it is a DC 120 slight of hand check. Even the gods have trouble doing this.
-Elendur
Expecting the media to cast D&D in a good light is like expecting Asmodeus to rise from Baator and become a flower-power hippie.
-Ryltar Swordsong
J:These giant ants:Are they natural?
K: Well...
N: They're not fluffy
J: That'll do. Right, now we just need a really big kettle....
-Nurgan_the_drunked
There's no such thing as a cold iron coconut.
-Mithral Icesilver
But....but....but....what about the zapping wizard?
He's done
What do you mean he's done?
He's done zapping
-preacher of nothing
ME: I UMD to get the portal to activate blindly
DM: *blinks* roll
ME: With bonii, 38
DM:*blinks* You wander about the room shouting, waving the stick that you figure has something to do with opening the portal. The stick slips out of your hands, hits the ceiling, snaps perfectly in half, and slides into two previously unseen holes in the wall, the portal whirrs to life
Me: Score!
-K.O.E.G
GM: He attacks you
Me: ...I fight back.
GM: With what, you don't have any weapons?
Me: I've got fists, those are weapons.
GM: You don't have proficiency with them, its a -8 to all attacks.
-Mantel_DeMenglamaar
Player: Why does it say idiot3 on my character sheet?
DM: Wait, what? That's 1d10+3!
-Sylvaroth
Ah, yes, because when I came on the boards this afternoon, I was thinking, "Man, wouldn't it be GREAT if my eyes and ears bled at the same time?"
-sliverstorm
Yes, I am a planeswalking alhoon. And I swear to Ilsensine, Vecna, and Velsharoon all, if you don't stop poking me with that blasted knife, you're going to get a cranial tentacle treatment that's going to remind that whole gods-forsaken party of yours of a scary episode of La Blue Girl!
Fighter to wizard "hey, I finally shot that stupid owl that's been following you everywhere"
-Fasius
A dwarf fighter's thief skills -
Open Door: Boot.
Pick Lock: Bash.
Pick Pocket: Mug.
Climb Walls: Rope.
Hide in Shadows: No.
Move Silently: As If.
Find/Remove Traps: Ouch.
-Kojiro James
You wake up, feeling pretty refreshed after the sleep, but your big ass mermaid tail is a bit dry.
--Souldrinker on Polymorph for Revenge
Illithids are far, far smarter. The handicapped illithid who pumps your gas has 16 INT.
-angryman
it rebounded my own spell back at me, and of course there was no way in hell I could make my own save, so I became a frog for the rest of the encounter
-Erelamar
DM:"You see a 15 foot high iron door."
Rogue:"I check for traps on the door." ::rolls::
DM:"You find a trap."
Rogue:"Can I tell what sort of trap it is?"
DM:"It's a mundane trap. No magic involved."
Rogue:"OK, I stand 10 feet back and use my staff to open the door. That should keep me safe from spears and darts." ::rolls a strength check to lift the bar::
DM:"Congratulations. You have lifted the bar. Now roll a reflex save VS the giant iron door."
-Myst
Clr to DM: "I cast Comprehend Lang."
Rogue:"Dude,... they're speaking common"
-Myst
Now I want to find out the price if I were to comission a life-sized marble statue of my character, Corellon, Ehlonna and Moradin as members of a rock band, rocking out really hard. (The dwarf on the drums, of course.)
This is bling-tastic, baby.
-ShadowDragon8685
That's a very good description of it. It was drivel. I think I'd rather run naked through the Underdark with a big neon sign that says "Lolth is a lesbian" while screaming "DROW SUCK!!!" than read Chick's stuff again.
-Kojiro James
Vecna: -i sneak into your city-
Lady of Pain: (Dude, you can't..you're a god)
Vecna: (no, i snek in cuz i gots mad skillz)
Lady of Pain: (I see.)
Online Host: Vecna has been banned from the room.
-Kojiro James
"Hi, I'm a new DM. You may remember me from such adventures as 'Ha-Ha! Your character is dead!' and 'The gods feel like smiting you today'."
-wereooze
DM: When I said "Towers" I obviously meant "Tunnels going into the ground".
-wereooze
What's That thing that drow have with sunlight?
Either "Light Blindess" or "You worship Lolth so you don't belong here".
-Azual
Me: Okay, I open the door wide, stepping behind it in case anything is on the other side.
Pladin: I CHARGE THROUGH THE DOOR!
Of course, there was no hall behind the door. Our paladin charged gallantly into a closet, and gallantly smashed his head into the wall.
-Kalriem
I'd sooner retire than save the world from things I can't explain without words like "Colossal Angry Fetus", or "Like that, only with more (insert piece of anatomy here) or "Save or Die, with no chance of resurrection."
-Robert Ranting (referring to epic monsters)
I have to admit, Shifters bother me the most, because their "other half" is just a diseased human. It's like having a heterozygous condition for some disease like Sickle Cell Anemia or something, I guess.
-Robert Ranting
Rogue OOC: Yea its such a bad stereotype that people think dungeons and dragons players are goths.
DM OOC: Yea seriously I saw this one site that had christian fundamentalists who thought we ACTUALLY gained powers from reading the mass-produced commericial franchised D&D books.
Rogue OOC: (holding up a small dixie cup with zoo animals on it) *deep voice* 'Tis the goblet of Satan!!!
-MattD121
Party Cleric: *sigh* Is this going to end up with us fleeing on our ship while the city will be engulfed in flame, with chaos everywhere, (all of which will be caused by us) and us making enemies out of every possible bad guy, who will hound us to the ends of the earth?"
-Arak the mighty
DM (me): Ok, you see a small hole in the ice cavern's wall.
Pat: About how big is it?
DM: No more than a foot in diameter. You won't be able to fit anything more than an arm in there.
Pat: Ok, I'll reach in and feel about. Do I feel anything?
DM: Yes, you feel a searing pain in your arm as something severs your forearm from your body.
Pat: HOLY CRAP! I stick my head in so I can see what happened to my arm!
-Mordmorgan the Mad
But just because you're a half-ooze does not mean yo mamma had a jello fetish.
-Edymnion
at level 5000 you talk to your patron deity (you're on first name basis with this god, and you occasionally babysit her kids) and ask for a little help.
-Tabitha Chergoba
Dodge bonuses are like homework. When different sources give them, they stack.
And they both can be gained from different classes.
-Amethyst (?)
There is no saving throw against stupidity...
-Ogre4Hire (?)
For the fiends, there's still a little devil on one shoulder telling them to do evil, but on the other shoulder there's another little devil who backs him up, tags in when he gets tired, and buys all his albums.
-Slagger the Chuul
I just got back from the pharmacy. Dr. PWN'D tells me that regular doses of Cymraegmorgan are recommended for patients who need to STFU.
-RadicalTaoist
"...then St. George tripped the Dragon with his trusty Spiked Chain so he could get AoO's..."
-Lord of Dorkness
Suppose you have an awakened chicken sorcereress attacked by a red slaad. The resulting green slaad is then marooned on a dune-covered isle, where she becomes a Queen of the Wild who dabbles in witchcraft. And thus you have....
a chicken slaad sand witch
-Originally posted by Aeolius
Net increase to strength 4 points. probably about 2 mill more damage at least...
I am not doing the math.
-FarKadeNear (From the Hulking Hurler build thread; the estimate is probably correct!)
We are the Anglo-Saxon collective. Your cultural and linguistal distinctiveness will be added to our own. Your biology will adapt to service ours. Cultural identity is irrelevant. Lower your pants and prepare to be boarded.
-ShadowDragon8685 (sig)
"Hey, I'm a bored lovecraftian tentacle-beast with a lot of brain to occupy. I should see what happens when I inject a tadpole into that winged-thing's head, tack iron golem bits onto it, dominate the hell out of it, and have it follow me around and carry things. I will be the talk of all the illithids at the breeding tank. 'Hey, did you see Caliphaes with that AWESOME golem-grafted-ceremorphed-fiend-creature thrall? He is by far a better illithid than we. I'm sure he hangs out and eats glazed angel brains with Ilsensine on weekends, he's just that cool.' Yeah, that's what they'll say about me. Thrall, capture the winged thing. Other thrall....hack the limbs off my iron golem, would you? Thrall #3, go to the elder brain tank and grab a tadpole. Fourth thrall, get me my experimenting hat. I love my experimenting hat."
-Khaibit_Ema_Neteru
Oh, and its Evil and wrong, because you'd be ruining perfectly good Soylent Green.
-The Dark One (discussing necrophilia)
Foolosophy: more important: how much exp do you get for [destroying] toril/oerth?
Qaetar: All of it.
-From the Hulking Hurler thread
Alright, Drizzt is prone to making long, boring monologues about his inner feelings, he's got trouble with girls, and he wields a sword named Twinkle. I'm telling you that those three things are not unrelated...
-Ogre4Hire (sig)
Rando the spiffy was a Kender Rouge i had once in a friends campagin who tried to pimp slap the god of time. needless to say hes no longer with us in the campagin.
-Rando the spiffy
Fighter: "I didn't take any damage this encounter!"
Cleric, Sorcerer, and Bard: "Bad! Bad fighter!"
-Riznar (sig)
Exalted means your character is so good, they make Paladins look like shifty crack dealers.
-Edymnion
To look at using your points in this manner instead of using then to throw powers or keep your feats running is like looking at a dollar and asking if it would be more efficient to buy a roll of toilet paper or simply to use the dollar as toilet paper.
-AntiDjinn (on 3.0 Psionic Combat)
No, I don't hate cute. I just think that there's a candy-coated rainbow-colored layer of the Abyss populated entirely by fuzzy bunnies and big-eyed kittens.
-Agent Rasp
So while the munchkin does it for power, the twink does it for kicks. The min/maxer does it so that he doesn't get eaten by the troll.
-Dr. Awkward
[after discovering the corpses of his family, our hero stands in silence] -DM: you know, none of us will think your character is any less of a man if he..cries"
Player-"Cry? are you kidding, crying's for npcs and..and clerics...not to mention paladins, no, heroes don't cry..uh..they uh...brood, yeah that's it...they brooood"
-Byael (sig)
"Role up new characters and let us never speak of this flashback again."
-from the start to an unlucky Eberron campaign as recounted by Lily_Knight
I know that Lords of Madness has some . . . err . . . "interesting" mating habits for various nasty tentacle beings. And none of them involve japanese schoolgirls.
-Count Arioch the 28th
If I chop off the legs of defeated opponents and stash them in my Handy Haversack, do I receive a +4 bonus to defend against trip attacks for having more than two legs?
-chocobochicken
suffers mental image of dark elf in tight outfit with a single sequined glove on left hand, grabbing crotch and singing "I'm Bad"*
Owwwww!
-Chiba_Monkey
"Assinators?"
-The Shaman
"That's either the Best. Typo. Ever. Or a really really cruel way to destroy your PCs."
-ASCIIMan
"I bet the main reason the city guards keep people away from a battlefield is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the corpses and stuff, then, when somebody comes by, act like they just stabilized and go, 'How much XP did I get?'"
-Feiss
"I was recently reading my Monster Manual, and I read that "dragons do not favor grappling" or some such. So I immediately ran out and made a Fang dragon grappler. He worked out quite well. My party is level 12, he was CR 12, and he did indeed consume 25% of their resources. Literally. He ate the archer."
-Ma'ElKoth
you are in a bar that has a bard preforming at one end of the room. A man is relaxing in the corner enjoying the show. Several patrons with more than a little drink in them start jeering at the bard. For no aparent reason one of them spontaneously combusts.
-Lokiyn (using matter agitation as an example of psionics)
11. Reduce person + massive amounts of Quintessense + Bag of Holding = easy way for the party's Paladin to deliver all those orc babies and/or surrendured enemies to the orpahanarium/jail.
-Blainetog (from "Fun with Quintessence - How can you use it?")
You can look but not adopt....... -Lokiyn
Do not tap on the glass! - Contrast
Where, if they're lucky, they can enjoy Double Soup Tuesdays... - Edymnion
14. Never have to pay for a baby sitter again.
-Blainetog (from "Fun with Quintessence - How can you use it?")
The internet is like something out of HP Lovecraft. It draws you in with it's temptation of knowledge and power- But use it for too long, and you'll find your sanity is shakey and you are surrounded by brainless zombies and tentacle porn.
-jukar (sig)
"P1: I toss myself off a cliff.
DM: You gain 1000XP!
P1: What?"
-RPGfish (sig)
"I'm an adventurer, damn it! I demand fiscal rewards for premeditated homocide!"
-Alhadrien(sig)
I use to play a druid with a "You killed it-you eat it" policy. Really slowed down some of the hack & slash players.
-braindead345 (sig)
earth power + torch of power preservation + bestow power = pay 1pp to have 2pp
-HiFromHell (sig)
Fumbuck the 1/2-Orc barbarian: "This is my mahogany davenport with solid brass accents and a polished marble top. It was hand-carved by halfings in the village of HappyFunLand and I found it in the possession of an Ogre-Mage who's skull I smashed with a hammer."
-wereooze (sig)
You have planned a stupid campaign, you ask for help to fix your dumb idea, but the idea is so dumb that no common sense, good advice, or planning can help it recover. It is the black hole of campaign ideas sucking in good advice from experienced dungeon masters and spitting out your bizzaro reasons from some alternate dimension.
-Alecthemad (sig)
the party abandoned me to goblins because I "Sucked and wasnt worth saving"
-Psimind25 (sig)
I also pinch babies to make them cry
-EvilVegan (sig)
I'm an evil DM. Or i just hate backstabbers.
Me: Ok you meet a black dragon, what do you do?
lvl 1 sorc: I shoot a magic missile at fighter.
Me: A giant chicken falls on you while you were casting the spell. you die. the chicken also kills the black dragon.
-pita (sig)
It bears saying: if up against a logic-impervious DM who thinks Core is balanced and Psionics (or Warlocks, or Fochlucan Lyrists, or anything balanced that's come out of splatbooks that aren't munchfests like Complete Divine) isn't, then the most powerful way to disprove that is to play a C.o.D. (Cleric or Druid). Noncore material will not be necessary unless you are going for pure overkill (Draconic Wildshape? Divine Metamagic?). So by all means, if you must win that argument, take you C.o.D. to town. Annihilate the opposition. Make the NPCs and other players scream "Oh no, it's C.o.D.zilla!!!!!" in badly dubbed English. Breathe radioactive fire. Knock down buildings. Then stomp out of the burning Tokyo that is the ruins of the game and swim off into the ocean, seeking a DM with some basic cognitive functions.
-RadicalTaoist
I couldn't find any rules on "Common Sense" at all. Is that some kinda Rogue ability?
-Mordmorgan the Mad (sig)
Epic Rogue : "I rolled a 5 on the die... plus modifier, and synergies.... that's 385 total sleight of hand."
DM : "Okay, you steal Elminster's Eversmoking pipe, all his gold, his left shoe, his right big toe, and his childhood memories, plus a level 7 spell slot"
-terulian (sig)
It's like all those wonderful power feats that require you to date their deformed cousin before you can romance them a little bit.
-St. Thomas of Bebop (sig)
I agree about Wu Jen - as a man, I definitely do not enjoy being kicked in the gonads.
-Snb1131 (sig)
Villager 1:*Gasp* That goblin is using psionic power agaiinst us!
Villager 2: So? It's only a goblin...
Villager 1: You don't understand! It's a Blue!
Villager 2: Oh dear gods, no! We are surley doomed! Why have we been forsaken, why?! We could never make the save DC for it's powers! All hope is lost! Oh, if only it were a normal goblin with an 18 Int, instead of the unstoppable 20 Int Blue; we would have easily crushed it! But nay, we shall be decimated by the all powerful Blue! Why gods, WHY?!
-BeyondFated (sig, presumably speaking out sarcastically against the contentious +1 LA of Blues)
Everyone deserves their very own owlbear.
-Telaria (sig)
"There are 3 kinds of people in the world: People who can cast similacrum, and people who can't"
-Vanigo
Epic Saint Monk character does not need to worry about losing his Vow of Chastity through masturbation, as he cannot make his own Touch AC
-the Horc (sig)
"I won't resurrect them, but I'll loot their bodies and place them in funny positions"
-Lyinginbedmon (sig)
SW/FR Quote:OOC: "I'm the Elf version of Jar Jar Binks"
Me: "Remind me to shoot your character until he stops twitching."
-Darkmeer (sig)
Some things are better left unthought. Using some of the suggestions on this thread, I could for instance beat the earth's gravitational pull with an exceptional grapple check and float into space or by some twist of fate, I could hit an atom, split it, and make a large boom. This really shouldn't be discussed although I admit that as is, an animate object spell could possably animate the planet (as the planet would only be collosal).
-Realms of Chaos
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Happy little children's rhyme, or disturbingly dark prophecy?
-Raymond_Luxury_Yacht (sig)
i made a list of things to do...
1. kill family
2. get rid of owl familiar
3. sell house
4. kill hot member of adventuring party
5. kill all damsels in the land that could ever be in distress
-WizardlyFriend (sig)
The 3.0 Psionics Handbook should not even be on the shelves anymore....
I was going to discard it, but I remembered how my mom used to always say that starving kids in the third world didn't have such luxuries. So I mailed it off to the starving kids of the third world c/o Sally Struthers. Two weeks later it was returned to me with a note that read: "Dude, get the XPH. signed, starving kids." They even offered to try to find a sponsor for me.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
Rule #1 of D&D marriages: Your wife is a succubi.
Rule #2 of D&D marriages: If your wife is not a succubi, then she is a vampire.
Rule #3 of D&D marriages: Your wife is not a vampire, then she is some NPC highly important for the world.
Rule #4 of D&D marriages: Your wife is going to die.
-mrshupizdumaterinu (sig)
Or they might eat your brain. In a non-evil way, of course.
-CryoSilver (sig)
But the worst, very worst thing about being friendly with Cthulhu is the way he will fill up your answering machine when you're pretending you're not home, dialing and dialing and dialing to ask if you got his last message and would you call him back and if he's not in he has his cell....
Once you're friends with him, you'll never stop dealing with the calls of Cthulhu.
-revnk (sig)
1067. Whenever you succeed a spot check though shalt not announce this by say "Listen! I smell something."
-Ravenfeather (from the "1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing..." thread)
1082. The default way to use the ship in the dock is walk over the plank. Not to swing at a chord from the main mast and scream "Geronimooooooo!"
-Ravenfeather (from the "1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing..." thread)
Then there's the succubus who was considered a pervert by the other demons because she liked to dress up like an angel and beg paladins to "be good" to her...
-quarkstomper (sig)
Druid-bots Assemble! We must fight the evil Decepto-Forged!
-Zipperjones (sig)
Forcefeeding the goodberries to the vampire won't damage it. No positive energy. You'll only result in an angry, berry-covered vampire
-DarkWarriorKarg on the nature of Goodberries and the Mournland+ (sig)
I don't know about you, but if I had nearly cosmic power, and the choice came down to having a lot of jewelry or handling bat poo, well, I think you know what I'd choose.
-DisposableHero (discussing the differences between mages and psions)
The creature is generally quiet and unobtrusive, with no particular designs on world-conquest or kicking bunnies.
-Dinel (discussion on whether or not Dinel's aberration would be automatically hated by druids).
"But if you read the rules sideways underwater, with the lights out, it seems like you can do this. Can you do it then?"
-OamuTheMonk (commenting on how some people stretch the rules)
[13:54:38] <Bikkusu_> Did he make any friends?
[13:54:52] <Exodus> I dunno.
[13:55:00] <Exodus> Roll your Craft (Friends) checks.
-Millenia (sig)
Originally posted by Slagger_the_Chuul:
Part 2 of the above:
If you go by the illustrations, especially Hennet's fetish gear, it would appear that Hot Topic has outlets in Greyhawk and Faerun.
-Kevin Andrew Murphy
And if I've learned ANYTHING from the mature boards its that a prostitute, slave-owning, sociopath serial killer, baby eating cannibal, necrophiliac, Paladin with a napoleon complex is not evil UNTIL they eat a sandwich.
-St. Maelstrom
Warforged are basically slaves, and that's one of the bad things about Thranish society. (much as corruption is the main bad things about Brelish society, being ruled by an evil necromantic vampire is the main bad thing about Karrnathi society, and... well, being rather boring is the main bad thing about Aundairan society.)
-JulesCARV
"This is D&D: The heroes aren't supposed to dress sensibly; they're supposed to look awesome."
-Max the Immortal (sig)
"Remember, if your party is caught in the dark, and forced to fight, light yourself on fire, fighting in the dark is a negative ten penalty, fighting while on fire is only negative two."
-Someone I met on the internet (sig)
always have utilities ready like Expeditious Retreat or a Tenser's Floatinf Dick.
-Mysticaloctopus.
So that is what female wizards do when they are lonely.
-TheFallenWriter (sig)
The only one even remotely useful is the one that explodes
-Lycanthromancer (discussing ectopic forms for astral constructs)
Actually there is a more cost effective way to become a sandwich...
-Linkrulesx10 (sig)
Hmmmmm. I never knew that limpwristic gnome barbarians died of old age by growing an arrow in their throat....
-AlphaSquirell
As for the good/evil thing, if one evil act makes you evil, it must be really evil, like beating your mom to death with your dog. If a thousand good acts don't make you good, they can't be very good, things like leaving a few extra copper in the tray at SylvanEleven.
-Tyler Do'Urden
He might be playing a variant of D&D called "The DM proves how huge his wang is by screwing with teh players nonstop".
-Count Arioch the 28th
There is NOTHING in the world of D&D rules that suggest you need a head to breath.
-Callahan (sig)
We're not supposed to play hit points like this: "The orc barbarian swung his axe with great force at the higher level knight, who took the attack straight in his forehead. The strike would have split a weaker foe's head clean open, the knight was so friggin' tough that the attack only did a little bit of damage", nor are we supposed to play it like this;"The orc barbarian swung his axe with great force at the higher level knight, splitting his head open and nearly cutting off the top half of his head. However, the knight was so friggin' tough that he kept fighting anyway."
-Esponer (sig)
The land is considered to be an unattended non-magical item.
-RunningWilder (sig)
Satyr (seemingly appearing out of nowhere): Hey baby. Looking to maintain an "intimate relationship relationship with a fey?"
JulesCARV (discussing the Nymph's Kiss feat, which attributes its benefits to an intimate relationship with fey)
catharz : Dispelling breath is so good I almost kicked my mom in the face.
DM Denubis : This board has the oddest expressions....
Jeremymc : What are you talking about? That expression was so good I almost ate my priest and baked a cobra.
catharz : Ya, don't have a cockroach.
(sig)
Yes me too please; I'm 168 ft long, 22.5 ft wide, 30 ft tall, and weigh 10,240,000 lbs. I like riding scalding hot thermals of air over magma lakes, BBQ'ed Virgin Female Humans or Elves, and the occasional life or death battle with canned food.
-Kothardarastrix (sig)
No can do. The zombie template requires a skeletal system. And before you ask, no, the skeletal systems of creatures it's eaten do not count.
-pileobone (discussing oozes)
What about four white mages?
-darkness ninja of light
Now, let's not discriminate. Why not four Asian mages, or four African mages?
-babysamurai
I wouldn't worry about gore. Honestly, last week I had my players hacking apart bodies and stuffing them in crates to hide evidence of a battle, and these were supposedly good aligned characters. (I would just once like to see a D&D campaign that did not involve mutilating corpses or lighting things on fire. It seems like that's not so much to ask.)
-PiedmonSama
On the other hand, the prospect of running into a Pit Fiend sitting in a chair, comfortably sipping a cup of tea from a saucer (pinky extended, naturally) and him saying "What ho, chaps! Terribly sorry old things, but got to have your souls eaten. Bit impolite I know, but order from on low and all. Now I really must insist you die a horrible death, but I'd appriciate if you try not to get too much blood on the carpet and shriek quietly if you please, there's good chaps. Toodleloo!" would be pretty scary.
-aotrscommander (sig)
Im probably the only DM who let a paladin get away with killing an innocent man without losing his paladin powers... He also killed a horse which fell over and exploded when it was hit by an arrow
-Gemstone (sig)
No, an Elf can't use a greatsword, as they are too busy skipping through the trees, composing bad poetry and/or songs about other Elves and fluffy bunnies that no-one else could possibly love or even endure and would make the possibility of Vogan poetry actually seem bearable, manicuring their nails and choosing which fletchings match their outfits. And that's just the males.
-aotrscommander
To be honest, I see some interesting elf characters (once you dig past all the Drizzt clones) but just about every dwarf I've ever come across is the same short gruff bearded guy with an axe and three quarts of grain alcohol.
-spectralphoenix
woah... i just got a major breakthrough in the field of Radicalology... what if Chuck Norris mated with a Dwarf while roundhouse kicking an army of ninjas barechested in a cowboy hat?
-oxybe
Actually, I think that's how you get a uranium katana.
-The_One_True_Boris
The fighter is the knife brought to the gunfight. The gun could run out of bullets, or jam, or the opponent could be wearing a bulletproof vest, or the fight could miraculously be begun close. But the gun wins. You can aim for the head in the case of the vest, a gun still works at any range, and the gun won't run out of bullets or jam first. Not if you reload, and take good care of it. The only way for the knife to work is if everyone suddenly runs out of bullets.
-scienceman47 (sig)
Whats the DC for roleplaying ? Can gelatinous cubes take it ?
-Weasel Fierce (sig)
The illithid hooker? She'll blow your mind.
-Yak of Darkness (sig)
Also I'm as sure that llamas have horns as I am the fact they have big fins for swimming. I'm fairly certain llamas live in big rivers like the Amazon. If you see a llama where people are swimming you should say, "Look out! There are llamas!!"
-Roivas (sig)
I think this forum alone holds a two-digit percentage responsibility for all kittens killed in the last three years.
-RadicalTaoist (sig)
OMFG = Oh+My+(explicative deleted)+(deity reference). In psionics it is usually used to refer to what the other characters get. Often also used by psionic players when they sit down to the table then find out the DM is using 3.0.
-AntiDjinn
Flavor text:
Game rules that do not support my argument.-AntiDjinn (sig)
Brigands? Burglars? Tomb robbers? Anarchists? No your Honor you have it all wrong. Yeah, well we killed them all and took their stuff, but we're not criminals, we're adventurers.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
I just like the mental image of Farmer Joe suddenly falling over in terrible agony as his kidney is summoned halfway across the globe by Ted the Holy to replace the one that Fighter Bob lost while fighting orcs.
-Mindrender (sig)
What DC is the Fort Save to not be affected by this Disease called cancer?
Finally a use for the Pally: he can cure CANCER!
-Nephlite
Sure, that's purely a metagame thought. But if the idea that "You know, guys, if we didn't have a fighter in our party it probably wouldn't rain golems now and again and there wouldn't be a seasonal antimagic bloom,"
[Edit: (Or even - "Please, no, Bob! If you play a fighter, magic-eating frenzied gnomes will fly in on dire bat mounts and kick us in the nuts repeatedly and then maybe eat our spell components!") /Edit]
-bitnine (sig)
I think the part where you are alone with a huge treasure and 5 evilly-aligned individuals who are known to kill for money is a significant flaw in the plan.
-Sildatorak (sig)
DM: Pete, your elf notices a secret door in the left-hand wall.
[Party arranges to open the door. Everyone except Pete says what their PC is doing.]
DM: Pete, what is your elf doing?
Pete: Decomposing.
DM: What? Why?
Pete: Because he died last encounter.
Since that time the group had a house rule that dead elves automatically detected secret doors.
-Arbitrary Aardvark (sig)
Don't opress me with your ass-backward views! This isn't the darkages! Now excuse me, I need to go build a warforged goat and twin midgets..
-Koga:The ninja trick
A bit like bitter necromantic buddhists I suppose.
-stone_dog (sig) (referring to the Blood of Vol)
Eberron, a world where Orcs are the tree hugging hippies and elves the screaming horde
-nyysjan (sig)
"Yeah, we're neutral. See that lynched Cleric of Pelor hanging by the symbol of Asmodeus? We neutralised him."
-rivaltuna (sig)
You aren't one of those "roleplaying purists" that assume that roleplaying and not being more useless than Braille at the drive-thru window are mutually exclusive, are you? I only ask because you seem to do a great deal of roleplaying, and a build that could only be more gimped with a template with a high Level adjustment, thus robbing you of whatever abilities you accidentally managed to acquire. And I don't mean accidentally in the same way that you coincidentally might arrive at the bus stop at the same time as the bus, thus saving you time. This seems to be more accidentally in the same way as the guy who decides to hang himself, but the rope breaks, he falls, and twists his ankle, so that he can't get up and try again. As far as combat ability goes, what competence you might have seems to be a result of failing to apply incompetence correctly. There's a saying: "If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?" The answer is: "You have multiclassed fighter, bard, and sorcerer at uneven levels."
-Bane (sig)
In Ravenloft, the darkness attacks you!
-MagicMouth (sig)
Except the Paladin, since when did lawful mean soulless?
-Vaalingrade Ashland (sig)
Elf females being, well, female, and males being metrosexual wussies, I'd say Elves don't get any hangnails at all.
-Vestigial_Thumb
And then I'll find the person making magically reinforced adamantite torture devices with no latches, locks or hinge pins and I'll Smite them into oblivion...
-Kyuketsukiouji
Dude, in a game where dervishes kill 20 opponents in 6 seconds, war hulks / hulking hurlers can throw boulders the size of pluto, and halfling ranger/exemplars can hide from you while standing ten feet away in broad daylight, in the middle of the desert, with absolutely nothing between the two of you; are you really going to complain that the group has the ability to open a friggin door?
-Sir_Darien (sig)
D&D has also explicitly stated that corpses are objects. Corpses are therefore fair game when it comes to anything that involves interaction with them. You can have sex with, maim, burn, bury, brutally beat, eat, break, boil, use as a piñata, shave, ****, infest it with fungi/bacteria/parasites, drag it along the ground, play dodgeball with its head, play tea party, play house, do I have to go on? Anyways, all of the above things are unaligned when it comes to interaction with corpses, just as with end tables.
-Vestigial_Thumb (sig)
You have sex with end tables?
-Sildatorak (sig)
DM: So...after killing the orphans' only living guardian, spilling all their food and ripping apart their house with your search checks, and traumatizing them for life by waving your blood soaked sword at them...how do you justify staying chaotic good?
Lazarus: ...I thought he was a ****. I put a 3 gold pieces on the table, yell "Sorry!" to them, and then leave the house.
-Gorteck (sig)
You get a letter in the mail: "Congratulations! You have won a free manual of bodily health in the Adventurers Clearinghouse sweepstakes! Just bring this letter in person to Lord Jellybelly, Babyskull Castle, 534th layer of the Abyss."
-SnowbearK (sig)
"Hey, if I told you your face doesn't remind me all that much of a cricket with fetal alcohol syndrome, would you hold it against me?"
-feartheinvinceblehamster (referring to Mialee)
"I am a servant of the Divine Law. Nowhere on this character sheet does it say "Good", and there is no mention of "nice". Now, hand me my gloves, I'm taking 20 on searching the prisoner."
-Minister_for_Moral_Truth (sig)
The wonderful thing about Tarrasques
Is Tarrasques are wonderful things.
Stuff bounces off them like rubber
They'll swallow whole humanoid beings.
They're angry, scary, noisy, hungry,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about the Tarrasque
Is it's the only one!
-Millenium (sig)
If it looks like a wizard, acts like a wizard, moves like a wizard, but sounds like a duck, it ain't a wizard.
-Tempest Stormwind
Or it might be an Awkened Duck wizard with Subvocal casting from Planar handbook
-Purkake
This gave me the image of an imposing-looking mage about to cast a spell, and as soon as he opens his mouth, he says, "AFLAC!"
-Caeruleus (sig)
I know, autumn doesn't have an associated energy type.
-Sucros (sig)
I never thought having one's joy center viciously attacked by a multitude of poisonous snakes could be so...rewarding
-Lyinginbedmon (regarding a specific abuse of the Poison Healer feat)
But where's the fun in that? I mean, its just not the same without gibbering mouther tentacle pr0n!
(...i cant believe i just said that...)
-Squirrelloid (sig)
I'm sorry, but I'm really not comfortable with the combination of the words "cleave" and "take off my pants"...
-Surreal
You forget the PC rule: Reguardless of the entry, or box art for the creature, PC versions look however the hell they want
-Kobold_Avenger (sig)
In Eberron, if you're an elf, creation of undead is a good act. Another reason elves are inexplicably better at everything.
-Deagar
I'd have punched the little kid in the head and said "Sit down; don't you know who I am? I'm the PALADIN, *****!"
-CryoSilver
DM: "The orc cleaves the elf in twain"
Elf: "Does that make me a half-elf?"
-Kialindo (sig)
"The darkness lets out a shriek of pain and falls over dead."
-JabberWocky (describing the DM's response in a game with a ranger who , unaware, utters the famous words "I ATTACK THE DARKNESS!"; he hit a shade lurking in the darkness)
me (dripping with sarcasm): DM is there any sign these orcs are sembian?
elf: (more sarcasm) Yeah, Where are their weapons from?
DM (smiling): Well, if by Sembian, you mean that orcs are wandering monsters, and wandering monsters sometimes wander in different parts of the world, and Sembia happens to be a part of the world, and that orcs sometimes use weapons, and those weapons or ones similiar to them can be found in Sembia, then yes, they're Sembian.
-Prachett (describing a game where the two evil PCs were continually implying that sembians were behind everything; the companion remained completely unaware of their deception)
PC 1: You know this is a bad idea right?
PC 2: Yep.
PC 1: We're still going to do it though?
PC 2: You have a better idea?
PC 1: Other than not going through with your idea? No.
PC 2: Right... so you ready?
PC 1: *sigh* If we die, I'm going to kill you.
PC 2: I know ya will buddy, lets go.
-Nived
"Okay, I use a Survival check to survive getting hurt by the trap..."
-Thomar_of_Uointer
For no apparent reason, you burst into flames.
-Mantis
Monk: Alright, question: Can I...
...use my "rope" skill to impress her and thereby lower the cost, then use my "ride" skill to have her enjoy it and thereby lower the cost, and then use "escape artist" to get the hell outta there and cheat her out of the check?
-Mantis (about a prostitute)
DM: You still want that flying horse?
Player: Yeah!
DM: Well I don't have a flying horse, but I can give you a horse and a catapault.
-Vumyan
Chris:"Are there any Dragon feats that don't require you to be a Dragon?"
-Kiirnodel
"If I gain levels in both artificer and rules lawyer, can i take apart the old rules and rebuild new ones?"
-Kelstrel
No truly evil person should have an ability called "Summon Pudding".
-Slagger the Chuul (referring to the Thrall of Juiblex)
"But if you think about it, do you really wanna go around with swords instead of hands? You'd be utterly unable to pick up anything but Gargantuan chinese food. You'd be like Spark Man."
-Tyler Do'Urden (on Graft Weapon and Two-Weapon Fighting) (sig)
Might want to take it easy on those glowing purple vials. They may not be healing potions.
-YabaTheWhat (sig)
This weapon looks perfectly normal except that it is invisible
-Secrets Untold (sig)
As a paladin, you have a moral obligation to eat evil babies. I suggest using either gravy or hot sauce. Red wines compliment the taste of evil baby quite well.
-Comus (sig)
Silent portal disk (350gp, MoF p165):
Any door you put the disk on makes no sound, no creaking when you open it, no cracking if you smash the lock... If you cast "animate object" on the door, you will have the first door ninja ever.
-Sylvar (sig)
If you're feeling dirty, go the cheap way and stick your head in a bucket of water. The DMG's rules on drowning say that if you fail your constitution check, you go directly to 0 hit points exactly. So, voluntarily fail your constitution check and go from negative infinity to 0 without any hassle. Talk about baptismal rebirth...
-LordofProcrastination (sig) (the solution to a share pain combo whose downside was infinite damage)
Has anybody else noticed that the Elocater picture looks like he's wearing a C-PAP machine? How can I take a prestige class seriously when their poster boy looks like he has sleep apnea?
-Rhonin the Big (sig)
WotC follows only three rules of PrC/spell/feat/class writing.
1: If it involves divine magic of any sort, it must be at least twice as powerful as any arcane counterpart.
2: If it could ever possibly aid a sorcerer, it must explicitly contain rules that equate to "No sorcerer can use or ever take this, and if they can, it's an infinitely better choice for a wizard anyway".
3: If psionics is in any way involved, it will inevitably be nerfed for no reason discernable to any sane person, or become unexpectedly broken when combined with something printed 3 years ago.
-MysteryGilgamesh (sig)
Yes, rogues and druids have the same base attack bonus. I believe your comparison overlooks one important fact, however: namely, ROGUES DO NOT TURN INTO GIANT BEARS AND EAT PEOPLE.
-Talkkno (sig)
If I wanted to play a bum I could just go ahead and do that in RL. There is a gutter not 40' from my front door.
-Slyver (sig)
Here’s a quote from a campaign I was in a while back. At the time, it seemed hilarious.
DM: In the center of the room, you see two massive chests.
Me: I like massive chests.
-Maat_Mons
DM: In the room ahead you see a bunch of skeletons on the floor.
Players: Anything else?
DM: Um... and a door on the right.
Players: Okay so we send the rogue to check for traps on the door and I ...
DM: The skeletons attack you!
Players: Huh? Wha -- I thought they were just laying on the floor.
Other Players: Yeah, that's what you said.
DM: Oh, I meant they were standing on the floor with bows at the ready in their hands.
-Tleilaxu_Ghola
DM: "It is dark."
Player: "I light a tindertwig."
DM: "You see a dragon."
Player: *gulp* "I blow out the tindertwig."
DM: "So does the dragon. Make a saving throw."
-Veneficus (sig)
"Mind Flayers, which are time-travelling, brain-eating squids from another dimension, are a perfect fit in a D&D campaign. Ninjas, which are from Asia, are clearly a ludicrous addition."
-Reversefigure4 (sig)
My favorite D&D moment:
The party sees a soldier touch an evil artifact, go into an epileptic fit, and die. The artifact is still standing there; the soldier is lying dead nearby.
player: Now, as a paladin, am I allowed to loot him?
-Zathyr (sig)
I sent an e-mail asking why wood elves get +2 Str when other dwarves did not. My response from customer service consisted of five words: "Wood elves are really strong."
-lostone (sig)
DM: Well, the bad news is that you set off both traps. The good news is that you found a new trap!
-Flushmaster (sig)
And then there was an Eberron game, where the PCs were heading for Flamekeep on a mission. An NPC I was running warned the PCs about the Chruch of the Silver Flame. Well...actually, her exact words were:
"It is said that no one expects the Thranish inquisition."
-Templar Prime
It did seriously take us 3 hours to figure out how to get that squirrel out, My monks hand, our bards hand, and our barbarians hands were all destroyed. Our skeleton had his head chopped off. Our bard got his nose bitten off.
-Darkuwa (about a troublesome squirrel)
if they werent useless they would be overpowered.
-Lina_Inverse (board member; not the other one) (sig)
However, to say that this merits an immediate alignment change to Evil is excessive. Has this event really changed the PC's fundamental character, her beliefs and her behavior? Is she suddenly ruthless and cruel? Has she started eating kitten sandwiches?
-a_psh (sig)
"I'm Chaotic, so I can do whatever I wa nt, and I'm Nuetral, so I don't care if it's right or wrong. Anyways, I'm gonna go hand out some candy with razorblades in it to the kids in that village."
-ImmortalBlueMage (sig)
The simplest spell is always the best one. Why waste a fireball killing the old man who stole your gold when you can cast acid splash on his cane, watch it snap, and him tumble down onto the ground, break his hip, and die of internal bleeding[?]"
-Finwe (on creative Wizard spell uses) (sig)
My DM tried this once. I beat him, though. First, I pointed out that I was wearing a leather jacket, which according to d20 modern is +1 to AC. Then I pointed out that since he didn't regularly go around beating up people holding two weapons, he obviously had none of the Two-Weapon Fighting feats, and therefore was about to take a -8/-10 penalty on his attack roll. He condeded that as well, but told me he could still hit me. I pointed out to him that since books were improvised weapons, he obviously was't proficient with them, dropping him to -12/-14. Once I pointed out to him that since he was a 16-year-old with no job and therefore almost definitely a Commoner 1 with a BAB of +0, he couldn't hit me. The amazing thing was, he actually stopped trying.
-tsuyoshikentsu (sig)
Yes, instead of trying to establish a sensical ruling, just punish them! That's a fantastic idea!
I've got an even better solution. Every time a player does something you don't like, hit them in the face with a brick. That way they'd eventually either stop doing things you don't like or develop a concussion find themselves unable to roll dice.
-bitnine (sig)
Leader: "Good cleric, what is the character of that man's soul?"
Cleric: (casts a few Detect's) "He is lawful good."
Leader: "Ah, so he has lead a life of virtue and of principle."
Cleric: "Yeah, probably. Either that or he may have raped 50 nuns then put on a silly hat."
-AntiDjinn (sig) (regarding the helm of opposite alignment)
Remember: you cannot break magic items for your DR from Forsaker since you have to donate them all from VoP. Magic is evil! So give it to the orphans!
-PonTelon (sig) (discussing the combination of the Forsaker with Vow of Poverty)
"Is there any particularly vulnerable-looking patch of air?"
-Talen Lee (trying to critically hit air elementals)
I don't know if it makes much sense from a flavor perspective, but RAW it should transport you as per the spell in question.
-Tenebrous_Sage (discussing the use of a shadow illusion miracle to duplicate teleport)
Are you kidding? You're talking every Disney movie ever! "Lidda, the teleport WILL work... if you BELIEVE it will!"
-tsuyoshikentsu (sig)
D&D is not real life. D&D is He-Man. He-Man never asked whether Skeletor was beaten as a child, He-Man didn't care if his villains were "Just following orders", no, Skeletor lived in a cave, and that was reason enough to get his ass kicked.
-Slayer_5 (sig)
You could always set up camp and then just kill the reanimating PC over and over. When the DM asks what the hell you're doing, just tell him you're spawn-camping.
-Millennium (discussing a Ravenloft campaign where the DM reanimated character corpses despite attempts to keep them dead)
I'd say he could be called good. The genocide and **** kinda pushes it, but overall, good.
-suparman999 (sig)
But when it comes to housework, Fighters really kick the crap out of Riding Dogs.
-UndefinedDemonicEntity (sig)
Chaotic Neutral Paladin: "Wee! Fish astronaut plastic bag! Let's jump off a cliff and hunt for mushrooms." *sets a barn on fire*
-angryman (sig)
If I ever play a soulknife, I'm going to make his mind blade look like a tea cup. "I'm going to kill you with my tea cup."
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
Any other Devastation Vermin would have too many HD for you to control, and would start wrecking the joint up. Although, if you're summoning Colossal Vermin, you probably don't much care about your immediate surroundings anyway.
-Dead_Weasel
So in your system, Angels are the Stalinists, Devils the Fascists, Yugoloths the Capitalists, Guardinals the pacifists, Inevitables the police, and the chaotic guys are just violent teenagers?
-Kresalak (discussing someone's view on the various aligned powers)
I hereby suggest we rename the Paladin class as the Counselor Deanna Troi class. From now on, a "paladin" can only make comments about the fact that someone is evil. This should only be made while the said creature is currently attacking a group of innocent beings, "The creatures appear to be evil captain." And the "paladin" must now only try to understand the foes, but never confront them. Leave that up to the half-orc "Mr. Worf" class.
-pres_man (sig)
Paladin? Killed someone? Oh, that was wrong. Paladins have to be LG and that means I get to railroad them into Huggybear Forest where they have picnics with the faeries.
-CharlieRock
The rules make the assumption that you will be playing a fantasy adventurer. If you will not be playing a fantasy adventurer, then the rules are not for you. If I do not want to play a venture capitalist tycoon, then I will not play Monopoly. If I do not want to play a murder suspect, then I will not play Clue. By extension, if I do not want to play a fantasy adventurer, I will not play D&D.
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
Personally, I would come down in favour of destruction here, too, since True Death is normally your best can of "Undead-B-Gone" for removing pesky dark stains on the living world.
-Slagger the Chuul (discussing the vampire's gaseous form versus a Hunter of the Dead)
wizard with either Mind Over Body or Faerie Mysteries Initiate. Immediate action teleport 5/day, 9 HP, and 5 spells/day. I guess you take a bow or something. Then I place this character into a deathmatch!! against another character on an open featureless plane. (I also use an elaborate rig of wooden barriers on wheels dragged by a rope for added ridiculous fun.)
From what I've seen, this is how class balance is determined.
-bitnine (sig)
To go the other direction, as somebody mentioned -- if you summon a glabrezu to babysit the kids, he's going to take absolutely perfect care of them. "Come here, children. Today we're going to learn about blood sacrifice!" Corrupting innocent mortals is what fiends are all about!
-Keenath (sig)
1175) My Wild mage is no longer allowed to make magic items and forget what he is making halfway thru , thus creating possibly the only Vorpal Hammer in existance.("It knocks their block off" is NOT a reasonable explanation for how it works)
-sooperspook (from the "2001 Things I Am No Longer Allowed to do in an RPG" thread)
Mike (Human Paladin): “What is wrong with you!”
Joe (Dwarf Cleric): "It was a giant. I had to kill it.”
Mike (Human Paladin): "It was a baby!”
Joe (Dwarf Cleric): "That’s ok! My religion is pro-choice.”
-goblinbonez (sig)
As a friend of mine has pointed out to me, and as I can attest to, the main difference between sex and D&D is that for a short while after having sex, I stop thinking about it.
-caeruleus (sig)
In my experience, D&D itself isn't MEANT to be a low magic setting. It's like... I don't know... taking The Force and Jedi out of Star Wars campaign and replacing it with angry clowns who drink beer and swear alot or something. It makes no sense to run D&D like that.
-UMCorian (sig)
Let's get one thing straight: you can't do ANYTHING with 10 Con as a melee person. Except DIE. Die a horrible, horrible burning death with pain from a thousand suns. Which are also on fire. And killing you with their flaming fiery flames of death.
-Domenic (sig)
Why are so many posts on the board the equivalent of " Dear Dr. Crotch, I keep punching myself in the crotch, and my groin hurts... what should I do? How can I make my groin stop hurting?"
-Grand Theft Otto (sig)
Totally true. Historians believe that most past civilizations would have endured for centuries longer if they had successfully determined Batman's alignment.
-StormKnight (sig)
I don't even stat out commoners. Commoner = corpse that just isn't a zombie. Yet.
-claypigeons (sig)
Some people seem to forget that a Neutral character is as evil as he is good, and that Neutral is not Good-Lite, Diet Good, I Can't Believe It's Not Good, Artificially Flavored Good Product, or anything like that.
-CryoSilver (sig)
Physical attraction is not absent from D&D, but its not the prime driving factor. Killing things and taking their stuff in the form of wanton vigilantism is.
-High Octane
Kinda like Martha Stewart with Kleptomania.
-nightside_samurai (about kender)
Kender are an unoriginal race from the Dragonlance universe that are halflings who have been hit in the back of the head with a shovel.
-_Jayne_Cobb_
DM: "You hear hoofbeats..."
Idiot Player: "Are they magical hoofbeats?"
-BloodBought (sig)
...but the fact is that the Drow do not live in a Matriarchy. They live in a Psycho-b!tchiarchy.
Look at their patron deity. Lolth is a crazy teenage girl who really hates the funny feelings that boys give her so she beats them, devours them, and then cries about why no one wants to talk to her. Sometimes she want's to be nice, but she just can't give up that 'necro-goth' spasm-anger image she worked so hard to build. She wants to go to the prom, but everyone will make fun of her, so she'll just light their houses on fire and kill their babies instead. Her hair is black this week, blue next week, and shaved clean off the week after that. All the while, she's killing everyone who looks at her, everyone who ignores her, everyone who worships her, and everyone who forsakes her. She's practically a goth cheerleader.
-PhantomTrain (sig)
"After all, when you're a necromancer, a graveyard is really nothing more than a moss-covered harem."
-Xagunder (sig)
Perhaps they're approaching it in steps. In 3rd edition, Mialee is Haunting, in 4th edition, she will be beautiful, and by 5th edition, she will be hauntingly beautiful.
-dknight100 (sig)
most of the PrCs Wizards release could come be in the same book: Complete Crap.
-Sang-Drax (sig)
Fighter isn't a Class,
A Class has Class Abilities
-Aryxbez (sig)
Life is full of choices. Sometimes you make the good ones, and sometimes you have to kill all the witnesses.
-ThorvaldHafgrimsson (sig)
Now here's a novel idea;
laxative tipped arrows. So when one finds its way into your skull, you'll have other things to worry about!
-zlatko
It also works as a "tracking device" if you fail to kill the target and it escapes....
-revnk (on the Uranium Sword thread; from archive)
This thread was doomed before it started. It was doomed while it was reaching the conceptual stages of it's creation. This is not to be compared to the aircraft crashing in the hangar before it takes off. This was more like each individual portion of the plane, still not reaching a centralized location for the final assembly to be truly christened a plane, spontaneously combusting into their own respective balls of fire. It was dead before it truly had a chance to live.
-VerdugoExplode
If a paladin had killed this thread in it's infancy, he would not only retain his powers, he would get a free exalted feat.
-Bane
It's like that movie, Sometimes They Come Back. Not the undead part, I mean the part about not being that good and having all these awful sequels.
-revnk (separate comments on the Uranium Sword thread; from archive)
If a normal prestige class is like getting a car, and the Incantrix is like getting a Transformer, then the Metamind is like getting a swift kick in the nuts.
-Tempest Stormwind (sig)
The problem is not the tentacles. It's that every other kind of "aberrant" quality have been pushed into another box, labed "Ooze", "Fiend", "Elemental", "Elven subspecies" etc.
-Wauthan (sig) (about the many different tentacled aberrations)
Your first post is like, "This guy shirks the law and does whatever he thinks is the Right Thing, and he'll pummel innocent bystanders to do it! Also, he has sex with a cat. What's his alignment!?"
-INeedNoSalt (sig) (on Chaotic Neutral characters)
Widen Personal Attack [Metacommunication]
You can alter a personal attack to increase the number of opponents hit with your argument. Any opponents hit will automatically be inflamed. A widened personal attack uses up three pages worth of posts dedicated to discussing your argument.
Arguments that nobody cares about (such as whether the chicken or the egg came first) are not affected by this feat.
-DoveArrow (sig)
If your Wis is high (and it may well be, you've got a racial +2 Wis boost from being a weasel), consider working your way into ur-priest.
-Shaggy_Shaggs
Maybe it isn't D&D you don't like but 3.x. Have you tried older, clunkier editions of D&D of which 3e was a vast improvement?
-_Jayne_Cobb_
Dude, if life gives you lemons: you don't make lemonade.
You should think. Think long and hard. If you can get an abstract concept like Life to give you real tangible lemons; you are close to finding out the secrets of the universe.
-Nephlite
For just a moment, pretend that we're playing a gamed called Bandits & Beverages. It's a lot like D&D, but slightly different.
In Bandits & Beverages there is a rule which states that you must give up all of your dollars in exchange for the ability to get robbed (and/or shanked.)
-Johnny_Angel (sig)
Evil is the universe's single most-effective all-natural breast enlarger.
-Jaimas (sig)
Show me somewhere - anywhere in 3.5 rules - that gives monetary value to a psicrystal. It's a fragment of the manifester's mind. It'd be like saying "Your kidney has a value of 15 grand, so you are disqualified from VoP"
-Bacris (discussing Psicrystal Affinity with Vow of Poverty)
Who doesn't love the Lolipope?
-Joni-san
That mean ol' Cardinal Krozen, for starters. With everyone addicted to the sugary sweetness of the Lolipope, there's no one left to sell his line of Krozen dinners to.
-AntiSean (sig) (The Church of the Silver Flame is led by a young girl named Jaela Daran. She is also called the Lolipope by some posters, or Jailbait Daran)
Why settle for a Pseudonatural Black Cat when you can have an UNDEAD Pseudonatural Black Cat composed of the stitched-together corpses of MULTIPLE Pseudonatural Cats..?
-Eidolon Faer (sig) (on never being satisfied with merely abnormal)
Martial adepts continue to play the same game that everyone else has been playing, with various new refinements and twists, up through twenty. This game can be called D&D. High-level spellcasters get to play the all-new games of Rocket Launcher Tag and "Let's Bone Reality Up The Backside", and nobody else gets to play.
-BenSen (sig) (on the balance of Martial Adepts)
Well, Vecna is an ancient lich, so I imagine that anything that applies to beef jerky applies to him.
-bugsysservant (sig)
why are you getting in a bar room brawl?
-cjhobbitbane
Why else do they put a bar there?
-Dvus
Thus, if a demon had dr10/good but did less than 10 damage with its attack, then it can never injure itself with its physical attacks.
-runestar
Demonic Suicide Prevention? Has it really come down to this? Emo is more pervasive than I thought. This is sader than the discussion i had last weakend about the troll that cuts itself........
-ToastedAmphibian
One thing I learned about Disintegrate back in 1st edition: Never disintegrate a wall without making sure it is not holding back 10,000 tons of molten lava.
-AntiDjinn (sig)
"Yes, Nick, a Vorpal longsword was once Vorpal sheet metal."
-Raynx (sig)
Heal fixes crazy, too.
-Zombie Babies (sig)
Shoot first, cast Speak with Dead later.
-Lord Varos (sig)
Well, the Locate City Bomb is not so much a spell as a hideous amalgamation of metamagic feats. Let's see if I have this right:
You start with Locate City, which is a 1st level spell with a 10 mile/level radius. Then you apply Snowcasting, which gives the spell the [Cold] descriptor. Now you add the Flash Frost metamagic feat, which causes it to deal 2 points of Cold damage, and makes it a 2nd level spell. Now you apply Energy Substitution [Electricity] to make it deal Electricity damage instead. Next, now that it deals Electricity damage, you can apply Born of the Three Thunders, which, among other things, causes the spell to allow a Reflex save. Now that it allows a Reflex save, it qualifies for Explosive spell, which makes it a 4th level spell. Any creature that fails its Reflex save is now propelled to the outside of the 10 mile/level radius, taking 1d6 points of damage per 10 feet traveled with no cap.
-Bauglir
Oh lovely Hammerspace not to be confused with hammer-time (can't touch this).
-Nephlite
However, thanks to MC Einstein, we know Hammerspace and Hammertime to be one and the same.
-AlterFrom
Three words: Craft Contingent Spell. Anyone who enters the chamber without speaking the command words gets hit by cloudkill, chain lightning, delayed blast fireball, confusion, acid storm, finger of death, stinking cloud, ice storm, etc.
-oracle71
I thought that feat could only make spells contingent on creatures.
-Fireclave
So, anyone entering the chamber containing this sheep...
-Slagger the Chuul
Sheep need food and water. Homunculi however do not, and are still creatures.
-green_yawgmoth
So anyone entering this chamber containing a sheep which is wearing a ring of sustenance...
-Bedeverekm
"So i cast Hold Person on the soylent green... and it stopped moving. I'm scared now.
-Rulebook
Being a vampire should be a fate worse than death. However, most people treat it as being a super hero with some dietary restrictions.
-MusicOfCreation
Seriously, you're saying blowing stuff up, moving real fast, and flying around is anime? I guess that makes every edition of D&D Hardcore Anime.
-Alter_Boy
In 1974 a crack rules-lawyering unit was sent home from the gaming store by an authoritarian DM for a rules error they did not commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security basement to the Wizards D&D Forums. Today, still unwanted by any game, they survive as soldiers of slanted rhetoric. If you have a problem, if no one else remembers the PH page, and if they happen to be online, maybe you can hire the D&D Police.
-meabolex (sig)
I mean - look at it this way. A colossal foe can also sneak attack a halfling with a rock bigger than the halfling himself.
-runestar
Giant: Me know how use rock to hit femoral artery for make Extra squishy!
-Fireclave (sig)
Without an Intelligence score or racial bonus, ordinary air will never be able to make the check. However, an atmosphere composed of advanced primal air elementals focused on Escape Artist could pass through the wall..
Conclusion: A wall of force is airtight, given an insufficiently skilled volume of air.
-Slagger the Chuul
Elves can trance if you want to. You can leave the rules behind. 'Cause their elves don't trance and if they don't trance, well, they're no elves of mine.
-InkBlot (In a thread discussing why Eladrin can trance and Elves can't) (sig)
DM: "As you approach the warehouse..."
Me: "A Were-house? Is that half-man/half-house?"
Sean: "Yes. It suffers from the curse of lycarpentry."
Me: "Damn. I forgot my silver hammer and nails."
-Grok-This (sig)
Flurry of blows is much weaker than sneak attack (you can tell because 'blows' is in the name).
-MagickHobo
Figuring someone's life is worth X gold compared to sword value Y is also metagaming (unless you're an assassin).
-Bob Loblaw (discussing sundering and the possibility losing your life to gather treasure by not using it). (sig)
The katana isn't a wonder of swordsmanship. It's a wonder of advertising.
-Irving (sig)
The alienist is fairly standard in terms of power, and simply drools flavour. The downside is that it drools so much flavour that no-one wants to be anywhere near you in case it gets on their shoes.
-Slagger the Chuul
It took me a round to wake up ... and by the time I was ready, my horse had already killed the bad guy.
-(Psi)SeveredHead
Heidi was also an assassin. I have no idea if she planned things so cleverly on her own, or if it was an afterthought, this dear little goat-herder with the little alpine dress, skipping along with her shepherd's crook in her hand, setting her flock to grazing, then taking up a crossbow position on a mountain road while she waitied for her target to go by, then skipping back home with the flock being diligently herded along...
-Shiftkitty (describing a character played by a niece)
You know you qualify as artillery when it's more effective to use divination magic to locate your targets than a Spot check.
-zombiegleemax (describing a PsiWarrior 17/Cragtop Archer 3 using the extend range power)
Who needs full bab when you can get 6 attacks at 8d8+30 when naked, lol.
-Legdiwena
Only when naked? I guess I'm not the only one who tried that trick with Extended Reach.
-Slagger_the_Chuul
"It was a great tactic, and our GM applauded us. Sadly the Werewolf burst free in only two rounds, and killed everyone but the Sorceress who teleported away with only one arm."
-Tetsuoh
I can’t believe you just cited Captain America as a source for logical validity.
-BrogueTheRogue (discussing the effectiveness of shield bash)
This whole thread reminds me of something that my girlfriend, frustrated by the "chicks in chainmail" stereotype, came up with a while back. She decided that there had to be a good, logical reason for women and men wearing such skimy outfits while adventuring, and decided that there was only one possible reason: a prestige class so good that every warrior-type would want to take it. She never got around to writing it up, but every now and again she threatens to bring back the Chainmail Bikini Warrior PrC. LOL.
-Hida Jiremi
Vanador: OK. You ripped a gateway to Hell, killed half the town, and raised the dead as feral zombies. We're going to kill you. But it can go two ways. We want you to run as fast as you possibly can toward the south of the town to draw the Zombies to you, and right before they catch you, I'll put an arrow through your head to end it instantly. If you don't agree to do this, we'll tie you this building and let the Zombies rip you apart slowly.
Dimitry: God I love being Neutral.
-Kalnaur
If you can't understand how someone yelling at another person would make them fight harder and longer, then you need to look at the forums a bit closer.
-Timmeh
Vanador: "Shifty's soul is in a better place. …Well, actually, it isn't. It was eaten by a Devourer and destroyed utterly after being tortured and used to shoot dark necrotic energy waves at us. We know, we were there. Cheer up family and loved ones, I’m sure being blasted to complete non-existence isn't as bad as it looked to us, who were watching it happen slowly and painfully."
-susannymn
DM: The Lady Ruth approaches you after the meeting.
Dimitry: Is she the one with the nubile hair?
DM: Yes she's the one with the nubile hair.
-susannymn
Vanador: ...Hey Dimitry?
Dimitry: Yeah?
Vanador: Just thought of something. You know those Warforged we put in our bag of holding when we were going to the Giants, as backup? Like, a week ago?
Dimitry: ...We never took them out, did we.
Vanador: Maybe we should drop in some cards, or something.
Dimitry: Good plan.
-susannymn
Wiz: I concentrate on the big oak tree.
DM: You detect dozens of minds concealed by the leafy boughs.
Wiz: I pick one at random and zero in on its thoughts.
DM: It's a sprite. It's sharpening arrows.
Wiz: What's it thinking?
DM: "I hope those two humans have some cool s***."
-Mynameisjake (describing one of two evil PCs using detect thoughts)
Glitterdust is one of those spells that some apprentices are afraid to take for fear of looking like fairy princesses; real mages just care whether or not it works. Magical fairy princesses (i.e. all fairy princesses) have the pleasant situation of not needing to choose, unless they're rebellious teen emo fairy princesses.
-Slagger_the_Chuul
So you can have the basic stats of full plate armor in an iron loincloth or steel bikini?
If you were playing Jeopardy, you'd get points for that.
-StevenO & Tempest_Stormwind (about Gloryborn armour)
So we have a real world basis for it to rain cattle
-MrCustomer (regarding falling whales and an example of a cow falling from a transport plane)
Has anyone else thought about just how utterly screwed the world that has all of the elder evils active at the same time really is?
Plagues of undead, an unnatural fecundity to all life that causes people to mutate into abberations, -strange- weather, snakes and worms everywhere, people going berserk all over the place, the sun going dark while icy monsters roam free looking for people to "convert," divine casters and conjurers all finding themselves cut-off from the planes they draw their power from, and two large-ish celestial objects on a collision course. Makes Athas (the world of Dark Sun) look like an amusement park, don't it
-Kelb Panthera (from GitP boards)
The destruction of the Hulks drops one of the defenses around Pandorym who's greater sign messes up the binding on Father Llymic (and thus starts to free him) who's greater sign (turning off the sun) causes enough chaos to make the Leviathan's awakening possible and the deaths caused by those continent spanning storms are enough to attract Atropus while such a concentration of negative energy is enough to attract Ragnorra, the occurrence of so many disasters in short order and the inability of the gods to stop (or even predict) them causes greatly increased worship in Sertrous. The earthquakes caused by Ragnorra's impact caused enough damage to Edwin Tolstoff's prison to free him and he thus goes to free Kyuss. Zargon is also freed from the earthquakes and is wandering around killing stuff.
-Emperor Tippy (from GitP boards; explaining how Elder Evils might all be active)
Frankly, a Wizard can suck even more than a Fighter could ever dream of sucking. A Fighter can stab himself to death, but only a Wizard could Plane Shift to some horrible far realm to be tortured for an eternity of insanity.
-Jaronk (sig from GitP boards)
That would be rather dull for mine, since he's invisible and all but untouchable. You'd just see the icky things explode randomly as he sneaks up to them without them realizing and bursts through them like some sort of horrific Kool-Aid Man.
-Rubik
Explain to me how that's dull?
-Karoht
There wouldn't be any dramatic tension. No plot development. No real conflict. Just *SPLAT.*
-Rubik
It really depends on how you do it. If you just cut a scene to an elder evil, and have him immediately explode, that sounds pretty boring. However, if you spend some time with the elder evil, build some dramatic tension, have him look over his shoulder before deciding that he didn't hear anything, you could basically create a horror majig with an elder evil as the protagonist. After he explodes, you gain some additional benefits from a narrative perspective. The second elder evil would have some dramatic irony attached to his death, so you could play up that angle of it for some purpose. Maybe he can talk about the mighty future that will come about under the reign of his mighty evil, especially now that one of the other elder evils is out of the way. After that one dies, I'd have to figure that the other elder evils would recognize a pattern, and start reacting to that in whatever way seems the most fitting. You can get a lot of mileage out of that by really characterizing the elder evils through their feelings on this matter. Perhaps one reacts by claiming that his exploded brethren are weak where he is strong, while another is horrified about his inevitable demise, but only shows it when minions aren't around. Maybe there can be some theories about why the elder evils are exploding. Anyway, it could possibly end with the reveal of how these elder evils are dying, or maybe it ends when the last guy dies, and you never know for sure how it happened. The more empathy the reader builds up for elder evils, the more the story has succeeded. That seems like a pretty workable way to do it.
-eggynack (from GitP boards, discussing one of the characters made to fight all the Elder Evils)
Albeit, Tauric was also responsible for one of the stupidest concepts I ever saw, a werebear tauric bear. He was just trying to stack up the physical mods and so, he had the bottom half of a bear. And during the full moon the top half turned into. . . another bear.
-Hasivel (from GitP boards, discussing templates)
So you end up stuck in an endless loop, unable to act, forever.
In retrospect, much like Keanu Reeves.
-The Mad Linguist (sig, from brilliantgameologists)
In my humble opinion, CO is haberdashery. Some say we're mad, but we can all agree we're hatters. Yes, we have potential to make very sophisticated hats, very fancy hats, be they dark or light. But the truth is that the color of the hat does not come from the group of us - our community doesn't directly produce hats. We simply give average head circumferences, list current fashion trends, and point out some shiny, obscure baubles to add to the latest hat line.
-Negative Zero (sig about Character Optimization, from brilliantgameologists)
there is no mechanical rules for old or young age... simply up to the DM... now the question is, would it be normal for a 12 year old boy running around conjuring hellfire and burning people alive and ripping the very soul from their bodies and then having sold his soul to some demon in exchange for said power?... not to debunk your stuff, but this ain't no anime where everyone's a pretty 10-14 year old boy and girl =P
that said, nothing mechanically benefits nor is detrimental to your age.
-daspian
It's not normal for anyone to do those things, regardless of age.
-Fimbrial
I once was engaged in a brief argument regarding what equipment should be available for purchase at a specific location.
I had designed my Yuan-Ti empire after the Aztecs, and so the player contended that, since the Aztecs existed in proto-Mexico, they should be able to buy bootlegged scrolls there.
I allowed them to go around asking the locals for such items, but eventually their diplomatic immunity wore thin and they were taken captive by slavers.
-Xefas (from GitP boards)
The old Wish is where you tell the Wizard, 'hey, your power this level? It's the power to get kicked in the balls. You're welcome.'
-angelfromanotherpin (from thegamingden board)
So far my favorite is the guy who complained that they used the word 'shuriken' instead of 'throwing knife' or 'dart' because it means he won't be able to use it without his rogue automaticly being a weaboo.
-Harlune (from thegamingden board)
D&D is an elf from Tolkien, a barbarian from Howard, and a mage from Vance fighting monsters from Lovecraft in a room that looks like it might have been designed by Wells and Giger.
-TiaNadiezja (sig)
