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CERAMIC D.M. (not the current one, a year old)
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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 851934" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>baroomcore vs mystraschosen</p><p></p><p>maldur-</p><p> busy at gencon uk, says barsoomcore for him </p><p></p><p> alsih2o-</p><p> </p><p> barsoomcore</p><p> rome seems to creep up again and again opn these boards, when are we gonan see the great roman supplement?</p><p> the tension fo thsi story is good and i like the handling of the pig a lot. the tubes as gods digesting the roman is what clinches it tho.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>mystraschosen</p><p> i would have liked it better if i had been given more of an insight into the windcatchers, but</p><p>i have to say the giant pig mount entertained me greatly. a decent handling of the pictures in a story</p><p>with a very epic feel, good stuff</p><p></p><p> i have to go with barsoomcore on this one</p><p></p><p>mirthcard-</p><p></p><p>barsoomcore: </p><p></p><p>The story itself was muddy, and I mean that in a good</p><p>way ... mostly. The tidbits about what really happened</p><p>that are strewn throughout the story are nice and it</p><p>definitely adds to the overwhelming despair of the</p><p>piece. As a reader I was sucked into the moment of the</p><p>Roman soldier crossing the field. Good descriptive</p><p>language, good use of characterization. However, I got</p><p>lost a bit when the Nasennius went to hide under the</p><p>trees/bushes. The muddy transition here was filled</p><p>with too many unknown variables for me as a reader to</p><p>understand exactly what was going on. The old man</p><p>brought things back into sharp focus and the</p><p>interchange between the family members and the Roman</p><p>were really well done, culminating in a very nice</p><p>fight scene. This clash with its heartbeat pacing is</p><p>probably my favorite part of the story, but I was</p><p>again lost as to how it actually ended. Another</p><p>confusing transition and all of my expectations are</p><p>overturned. Turns out the Roman I felt I was supposed</p><p>to be sympathetic towards in the beginning is really a</p><p>cold-blooded murderer. I think. But I'm not sure. Just</p><p>as I'm not sure what the "god" is or many other things</p><p>... Vassinus Augendus? Paullus? Epiran? These terms</p><p>are thrown about but I have no real idea what they</p><p>mean, only my vague assumptions. But when you switch</p><p>back to the Roman's point of view inside the "god," I</p><p>find myself sucked right back into the moment again.</p><p>(The "god" did seem a bit forced also. The other</p><p>ingredients were strong, however.) This piece has so</p><p>many moments that just needed a stronger cohesive</p><p>backdrop. It's a little bit out of focus, making me</p><p>feel like I'm experiencing the story looking through</p><p>clear jelly. </p><p></p><p>mystraschosen:</p><p></p><p>Hmm ... where to start? I like the details. The world</p><p>you've created here seems structured and believable.</p><p>You have glorious heroes, a deceptive villain, exotic</p><p>locales, a gory battle - everything that makes D&D</p><p>such fun. But I wonder if you wouldn't have been</p><p>better off writing this up as a game scenario rather</p><p>than a story. The ideas seem like they would work so</p><p>well as an adventure. As a narrative, however, I</p><p>thought it was a bit hard to get through. You've</p><p>already talked about the grammatical errors, so I'm</p><p>not referring only to those. The problems seem more</p><p>symptomatic of an overall structural error. For</p><p>instance, you begin with an interchange between two</p><p>old friends, a fine choice, and we as readers start to</p><p>get a feeling for their relationship to each other and</p><p>a sense of who they are as individuals, but then the</p><p>scene abruptly ends. Instead of allowing the</p><p>characters to evolve naturally or speak for</p><p>themselves, it seemed as if you were dragging me from</p><p>place to place, action to action. I felt that the</p><p>piece was more like a recount of a gaming session than</p><p>a story I could lose myself in, and that unfortunately</p><p>put me off as a reader. In addition, your use of</p><p>ingredients was a bit off, something that is crucial</p><p>to winning a Ceramic DM contest. You focused well on</p><p>the first picture, but then it seemed as if only</p><p>cursory attention was being paid to pictures two and</p><p>four (although I must say the halfling yelling "HOOF!"</p><p>to the giant pig had me laughing out loud) and picture</p><p>three seemed as if it was only in the story because it</p><p>had to be, not because it was important. In the end, I</p><p>felt your ideas were strong but your execution could</p><p>have been better. I hope my criticism here hasn't been</p><p>too harsh and I also hope this doesn't put you off</p><p>competing in the future. If you ever wanted to write</p><p>this up as a short adventure, I would love to use it. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I give this round to barsoomcore.</p><p></p><p> unanimous round to barsoomcore <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 851934, member: 4790"] baroomcore vs mystraschosen maldur- busy at gencon uk, says barsoomcore for him alsih2o- barsoomcore rome seems to creep up again and again opn these boards, when are we gonan see the great roman supplement? the tension fo thsi story is good and i like the handling of the pig a lot. the tubes as gods digesting the roman is what clinches it tho. mystraschosen i would have liked it better if i had been given more of an insight into the windcatchers, but i have to say the giant pig mount entertained me greatly. a decent handling of the pictures in a story with a very epic feel, good stuff i have to go with barsoomcore on this one mirthcard- barsoomcore: The story itself was muddy, and I mean that in a good way ... mostly. The tidbits about what really happened that are strewn throughout the story are nice and it definitely adds to the overwhelming despair of the piece. As a reader I was sucked into the moment of the Roman soldier crossing the field. Good descriptive language, good use of characterization. However, I got lost a bit when the Nasennius went to hide under the trees/bushes. The muddy transition here was filled with too many unknown variables for me as a reader to understand exactly what was going on. The old man brought things back into sharp focus and the interchange between the family members and the Roman were really well done, culminating in a very nice fight scene. This clash with its heartbeat pacing is probably my favorite part of the story, but I was again lost as to how it actually ended. Another confusing transition and all of my expectations are overturned. Turns out the Roman I felt I was supposed to be sympathetic towards in the beginning is really a cold-blooded murderer. I think. But I'm not sure. Just as I'm not sure what the "god" is or many other things ... Vassinus Augendus? Paullus? Epiran? These terms are thrown about but I have no real idea what they mean, only my vague assumptions. But when you switch back to the Roman's point of view inside the "god," I find myself sucked right back into the moment again. (The "god" did seem a bit forced also. The other ingredients were strong, however.) This piece has so many moments that just needed a stronger cohesive backdrop. It's a little bit out of focus, making me feel like I'm experiencing the story looking through clear jelly. mystraschosen: Hmm ... where to start? I like the details. The world you've created here seems structured and believable. You have glorious heroes, a deceptive villain, exotic locales, a gory battle - everything that makes D&D such fun. But I wonder if you wouldn't have been better off writing this up as a game scenario rather than a story. The ideas seem like they would work so well as an adventure. As a narrative, however, I thought it was a bit hard to get through. You've already talked about the grammatical errors, so I'm not referring only to those. The problems seem more symptomatic of an overall structural error. For instance, you begin with an interchange between two old friends, a fine choice, and we as readers start to get a feeling for their relationship to each other and a sense of who they are as individuals, but then the scene abruptly ends. Instead of allowing the characters to evolve naturally or speak for themselves, it seemed as if you were dragging me from place to place, action to action. I felt that the piece was more like a recount of a gaming session than a story I could lose myself in, and that unfortunately put me off as a reader. In addition, your use of ingredients was a bit off, something that is crucial to winning a Ceramic DM contest. You focused well on the first picture, but then it seemed as if only cursory attention was being paid to pictures two and four (although I must say the halfling yelling "HOOF!" to the giant pig had me laughing out loud) and picture three seemed as if it was only in the story because it had to be, not because it was important. In the end, I felt your ideas were strong but your execution could have been better. I hope my criticism here hasn't been too harsh and I also hope this doesn't put you off competing in the future. If you ever wanted to write this up as a short adventure, I would love to use it. I give this round to barsoomcore. unanimous round to barsoomcore :) [/QUOTE]
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