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CERAMIC D.M. (not the current one, a year old)
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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 852682" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>arwink vs darketernal</p><p></p><p> maldur</p><p></p><p> busy at gencon uk, says arwink wins for him </p><p></p><p> alsih2o</p><p></p><p> arwink</p><p> an odd story with some odd characters i liked a lot. i loved the handling of the </p><p>skeleton pic and and its overlap with the dragonguitar pic. i also liked the bravery of </p><p>stepping into the modern realm. the idea of the gladiator image being summoned buy the </p><p>scar was an excellent addition.</p><p></p><p> dark eternal</p><p> an interesting treatment reminiscent of "mutiny on the hms bounty". i loved the deformed halfling lich, we all need one <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p> the portal was an odd handle for em, but i did like the details on the lute.</p><p></p><p> this is a hard one to decide, but i gotta go with darketernal here, for excellent use of the imagery.</p><p></p><p> </p><p>arwink:</p><p></p><p>I'm not going to beat around the bush, I REALLY liked</p><p>this story. Quite the unique approach for this event</p><p>and I found my self constantly surprised and amused by</p><p>the implied setting which you revealed through very</p><p>subtle nuances and details. The style(s?) you employed</p><p>throughout reminded me of several of my favorite</p><p>writers - Philip K. Dick, HP Lovecraft, and especially</p><p>Charles Willeford, which is an odd choice for a</p><p>fantasy piece. The length of the story never became a</p><p>problem during the reading, which I assumed it would</p><p>when I first saw it posted. The fact that my attention</p><p>never swayed should be a feather in your cap, arwink.</p><p>The piece had a definited rhythm to it, almost jazz</p><p>but not quite, almost blues too. This would do well as</p><p>a David Lynch short film, but the pacing and dialogue</p><p>smack more of David Mamet. Very solid. I could go on</p><p>and on, but I'd better bring out the critical eye as</p><p>well. You lose several points because, with the</p><p>exception of Lou, all of the other ingredients seem to</p><p>be incidental to the main story. Nick's scar is a nice</p><p>effect and gives some shading to the end of the story,</p><p>but it could easily be removed and the story would</p><p>function just as well. The same with the guitar - the</p><p>song is instrumental in bridging the gap between Jack</p><p>and Nick, but what it was played on didn't matter one</p><p>bit. The same goes for the landscape that Nick</p><p>receives in the mail. Only Lou is truly integral to</p><p>the plot, if you removed him the story would change</p><p>quite a bit, and for the worse I might add. So is that</p><p>enough to bring you down? Wait and see...</p><p></p><p>Dark Eternal:</p><p></p><p>Man, do I want to game with you. A four-armed</p><p>Thri-kreen bard with a double-neck intelligent</p><p>guitar?!? A halfling lich with a brainpan the size of</p><p>Cleveland?!? You're like the Spinal Tap of</p><p>role-playing goodness. Turn the volume up to 11,</p><p>brother, cuz I WANNA ROCK!!!! But seriously ... your</p><p>use of those two ingredients is very distinct and</p><p>inventive and earns you major points. However, the</p><p>other two ingredients, while used semi-effectively in</p><p>the plot of the story, do feel a bit more tacked on,</p><p>and certainly not as cool. I have a feeling that you,</p><p>like <em>mystraschosen</em> above, could have benefitted</p><p>from writing this up as an adventure rather than a</p><p>story. As a narrative, the piece falls apart in</p><p>several places - grammar, pacing, structure (see my</p><p>critique of mystraschosen's entry because much of it</p><p>is relevant to yours) - but particularly your choice</p><p>of voice caused your story to stop dead in its tracks.</p><p>Your use of the archaic and modern vernacular changes</p><p>like the tide and is very disconcerting for the</p><p>reader. I know it was done in order to make your</p><p>paladin sound more regal and "proper," but it had the</p><p>opposite effect, unfortunately. Perhaps if the voice</p><p>had been consistent instead of sounding "put on" then</p><p>I wouldn't have minded so much. As it is though, I</p><p>kept finding my "willing suspension of disbelief"</p><p>failing and I was subsequently thrown out of the</p><p>story. In summary, there are a bunch of good ideas in</p><p>here that get lost beneath a mass of misplaced jargon.</p><p>As I said for mystraschosen, if you ever write this up</p><p>as an adventure, I would love to see it.</p><p></p><p>I give this round to arwink for his alcohol-infused brain-bender.</p><p></p><p></p><p> 2-1, arwink takes it</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 852682, member: 4790"] arwink vs darketernal maldur busy at gencon uk, says arwink wins for him alsih2o arwink an odd story with some odd characters i liked a lot. i loved the handling of the skeleton pic and and its overlap with the dragonguitar pic. i also liked the bravery of stepping into the modern realm. the idea of the gladiator image being summoned buy the scar was an excellent addition. dark eternal an interesting treatment reminiscent of "mutiny on the hms bounty". i loved the deformed halfling lich, we all need one :) the portal was an odd handle for em, but i did like the details on the lute. this is a hard one to decide, but i gotta go with darketernal here, for excellent use of the imagery. arwink: I'm not going to beat around the bush, I REALLY liked this story. Quite the unique approach for this event and I found my self constantly surprised and amused by the implied setting which you revealed through very subtle nuances and details. The style(s?) you employed throughout reminded me of several of my favorite writers - Philip K. Dick, HP Lovecraft, and especially Charles Willeford, which is an odd choice for a fantasy piece. The length of the story never became a problem during the reading, which I assumed it would when I first saw it posted. The fact that my attention never swayed should be a feather in your cap, arwink. The piece had a definited rhythm to it, almost jazz but not quite, almost blues too. This would do well as a David Lynch short film, but the pacing and dialogue smack more of David Mamet. Very solid. I could go on and on, but I'd better bring out the critical eye as well. You lose several points because, with the exception of Lou, all of the other ingredients seem to be incidental to the main story. Nick's scar is a nice effect and gives some shading to the end of the story, but it could easily be removed and the story would function just as well. The same with the guitar - the song is instrumental in bridging the gap between Jack and Nick, but what it was played on didn't matter one bit. The same goes for the landscape that Nick receives in the mail. Only Lou is truly integral to the plot, if you removed him the story would change quite a bit, and for the worse I might add. So is that enough to bring you down? Wait and see... Dark Eternal: Man, do I want to game with you. A four-armed Thri-kreen bard with a double-neck intelligent guitar?!? A halfling lich with a brainpan the size of Cleveland?!? You're like the Spinal Tap of role-playing goodness. Turn the volume up to 11, brother, cuz I WANNA ROCK!!!! But seriously ... your use of those two ingredients is very distinct and inventive and earns you major points. However, the other two ingredients, while used semi-effectively in the plot of the story, do feel a bit more tacked on, and certainly not as cool. I have a feeling that you, like [i]mystraschosen[/i] above, could have benefitted from writing this up as an adventure rather than a story. As a narrative, the piece falls apart in several places - grammar, pacing, structure (see my critique of mystraschosen's entry because much of it is relevant to yours) - but particularly your choice of voice caused your story to stop dead in its tracks. Your use of the archaic and modern vernacular changes like the tide and is very disconcerting for the reader. I know it was done in order to make your paladin sound more regal and "proper," but it had the opposite effect, unfortunately. Perhaps if the voice had been consistent instead of sounding "put on" then I wouldn't have minded so much. As it is though, I kept finding my "willing suspension of disbelief" failing and I was subsequently thrown out of the story. In summary, there are a bunch of good ideas in here that get lost beneath a mass of misplaced jargon. As I said for mystraschosen, if you ever write this up as an adventure, I would love to see it. I give this round to arwink for his alcohol-infused brain-bender. 2-1, arwink takes it [/QUOTE]
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