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Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)
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<blockquote data-quote="Zhaneel" data-source="post: 1632714" data-attributes="member: 15829"><p><strong>Congrats</strong></p><p></p><p>To Berandor, Congrats for moving on.</p><p></p><p>Reposted from the other thread (my comments):</p><p></p><p><strong>Berandor</strong></p><p></p><p>Interesting story. I am left feeling a little confused. Basically, I got very early on that Robert was either a clone or a Robot. I'm a loss as to how he misunderstood his name tag and as to what his truly programming was supposed to accomplish. There were several miscellaneous things that jolted me out of the story [how can something be futuristic if we don’t know what the present is like?, it hard to be bossy while asking a question, rough transition from the Motel to the Apartments, can't ride/drive a motorcycle with someone in front of you & the laws around motorcycles, etc.].</p><p></p><p>The picture use was pretty good, in my opinion. I loved the eye and the car photos. The leaping photo was a pretty visual, but not something I thought was essential to the story. As for the black dot picture, given how tough it was I give you major props for having it be a recurring image.</p><p></p><p>Brief nit pick: Dialogue punctuation is as follows:</p><p></p><p>"What are you saying?" asked Rose. </p><p></p><p>The stuff inside gets the question mark, no comma, and the end of the sentence gets a period.</p><p></p><p>The ending was chilly, but at the same time I felt a little sudden. We didn't see Robot/Robert I go down and so the switch and being told [not shown] that the robot was down was a little odd.</p><p></p><p>The constant use of He early on grated, even though there was a good reason. I liked, however, that you didn't start using Robert until he knew what he looked like. Small smiles happened when you made reference to the writer's trick of the main character not knowing his identity. Another old hat trick, however, is the use of the mirror for description, just FYI.</p><p></p><p>All in all good story. Some room for improvement, but there always is for Ceramic DM.</p><p></p><p></p><p>-------------------------------</p><p></p><p><strong> MarauderX – Recruiting</strong></p><p></p><p>Very interesting. You & Berandor both picked a chilly theme in the future. Interesting.</p><p></p><p>I liked the main character early on. He was easy to relate to and I thought I understood his motivations. I liked him being bright enough to want to learn about the various technologies and attempting to do so in a careful way. I foresaw the discovery of his actions. I cursed him going to the police. I found the invisible car suspect, especially the line "we used to work together until recently." Great foreshadowing.</p><p></p><p>Quibbles: Why didn't the techs remove the name tags so the automotron couldn’t focus on them? Or, since they were proven "loyal", why did they have targettable name tags in the first place? And why did they try to kill him, only to "give up" so that they could hire him? I would have expected the rays to be non-lethal, or some other give-aways that they weren't *really* trying to kill him. It did (belatedly) explain how he was able to easily get away.</p><p></p><p>I didn't understand what the big deal was about not shutting down the machine, but that is technical crap that I maybe just didn't understand.</p><p></p><p>I found the picture use pretty strong. The Eye one was okay as a good, but didn't really have a major role to play. The leap was a good use of explanation. The Car was chilly thing and predictable given the invisible nature of the machines. And the woman/spot thing was essential.</p><p></p><p>Zhaneel</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Zhaneel, post: 1632714, member: 15829"] [b]Congrats[/b] To Berandor, Congrats for moving on. Reposted from the other thread (my comments): [b]Berandor[/b] Interesting story. I am left feeling a little confused. Basically, I got very early on that Robert was either a clone or a Robot. I'm a loss as to how he misunderstood his name tag and as to what his truly programming was supposed to accomplish. There were several miscellaneous things that jolted me out of the story [how can something be futuristic if we don’t know what the present is like?, it hard to be bossy while asking a question, rough transition from the Motel to the Apartments, can't ride/drive a motorcycle with someone in front of you & the laws around motorcycles, etc.]. The picture use was pretty good, in my opinion. I loved the eye and the car photos. The leaping photo was a pretty visual, but not something I thought was essential to the story. As for the black dot picture, given how tough it was I give you major props for having it be a recurring image. Brief nit pick: Dialogue punctuation is as follows: "What are you saying?" asked Rose. The stuff inside gets the question mark, no comma, and the end of the sentence gets a period. The ending was chilly, but at the same time I felt a little sudden. We didn't see Robot/Robert I go down and so the switch and being told [not shown] that the robot was down was a little odd. The constant use of He early on grated, even though there was a good reason. I liked, however, that you didn't start using Robert until he knew what he looked like. Small smiles happened when you made reference to the writer's trick of the main character not knowing his identity. Another old hat trick, however, is the use of the mirror for description, just FYI. All in all good story. Some room for improvement, but there always is for Ceramic DM. ------------------------------- [b] MarauderX – Recruiting[/b] Very interesting. You & Berandor both picked a chilly theme in the future. Interesting. I liked the main character early on. He was easy to relate to and I thought I understood his motivations. I liked him being bright enough to want to learn about the various technologies and attempting to do so in a careful way. I foresaw the discovery of his actions. I cursed him going to the police. I found the invisible car suspect, especially the line "we used to work together until recently." Great foreshadowing. Quibbles: Why didn't the techs remove the name tags so the automotron couldn’t focus on them? Or, since they were proven "loyal", why did they have targettable name tags in the first place? And why did they try to kill him, only to "give up" so that they could hire him? I would have expected the rays to be non-lethal, or some other give-aways that they weren't *really* trying to kill him. It did (belatedly) explain how he was able to easily get away. I didn't understand what the big deal was about not shutting down the machine, but that is technical crap that I maybe just didn't understand. I found the picture use pretty strong. The Eye one was okay as a good, but didn't really have a major role to play. The leap was a good use of explanation. The Car was chilly thing and predictable given the invisible nature of the machines. And the woman/spot thing was essential. Zhaneel [/QUOTE]
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