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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1651670" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Barsoomcore-</p><p></p><p> Taladas "Jared Mills"</p><p></p><p>Great first paragraph. It's like buckling up your seatbelt -- you can </p><p>hear the strap go tight on "Cause of death: Suicide," and you feel it </p><p>lock into place on "I guess he really wanted to die."</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, the unending grammatical errors strip this story of what </p><p>power it might have. The tense keeps shifting and your sentences lack </p><p>proper structure and punctuation so that I have to re-read them in </p><p>order to figure out what you're saying. Some examples:</p><p></p><p>"One of the air tanks was dropped and ruptured and causes several other </p><p>tanks to rupture." -- tense shift</p><p></p><p>"What is it going to conquer the world with a crop of rutabagas?" -- </p><p>Are you saying it's going to conquer both the world and a crop of </p><p>rutabagas? I know you're not, but this sentence isn't making it clear </p><p>enough.</p><p></p><p>The narrative flows along speedily enough -- review the picture, find </p><p>the girl, get the insight, buy the hats. Too much is left unexplained, </p><p>however -- why is Becky green and in India? Why were the deaths covered </p><p>up? What DID happen to Jared Mills? You make a lot of promises early on </p><p>that you never end up delivering on.</p><p></p><p>"It’s not even a very good cover-up." -- here's an example promise. </p><p>You're promising to tell me why it's not a very good cover-up. You're </p><p>promising to tell me why it was covered up. You don't tell me either, </p><p>so at the end of the story I feel let down.</p><p></p><p>A story is a kind of a negotiation between the reader and the writer. </p><p>The writer lays out the opening of the story like a salesman lays out </p><p>the offer. The reader looks it over and decides if she wants to </p><p>participate based on that opening. If the writer fails to deliver on </p><p>the promise of the opening, the reader is going to feel unsatisfied.</p><p></p><p>Always review your opening. What promises are you making that your </p><p>reader is going to want fulfilled? This is why getting someone to edit </p><p>your work is so important -- they'll be able better than you to notice </p><p>promises getting made and then forgotten.</p><p></p><p>There's a good story in here, Taladas, that's worth working on. But it </p><p>feels like it lacks enough care and attention to detail to be worthy of </p><p>my time. Why should I labour over a story you weren't willing to?</p><p></p><p>I know that's untrue, but a couple of things give me that feeling.</p><p></p><p>First, there's the multitude of basic errors discussed above.</p><p></p><p>Second, there's a number of moments that aren't communicated clearly </p><p>enough. For example: "Everything was black or white, not black and </p><p>white like an Andy Griffith Show rerun but black or white." -- this </p><p>means nothing to me. I mean, either it's black and white or it's not </p><p>black and white. What are you distinguishing the Andy Griffith Show </p><p>rerun from? Reruns of I Love Lucy?</p><p></p><p>Third, there's just some laziness in the language that ends up being </p><p>confusing: "I find her. I think." -- "But it was she, I could tell." </p><p>Which is it? Is he sure or not? It feels like you changed your mind as </p><p>to his reaction while you were writing, and never bothered to line </p><p>things up with each other.</p><p></p><p>Picture use is generally good -- I thought you'd thrown away the hats </p><p>but those came back nicely.</p><p></p><p>I hope it's clear why I felt unsatisfied with this story. But thank you </p><p>for it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Graywolf-ELM "Magic Fades"</p><p></p><p>Hm. What have we here? Dwarf with problem. Dwarf seeks answer to </p><p>problem. Dwarf receives answer to problem. Dwart sets out to solve </p><p>problem.</p><p></p><p>There's a problem. Dwarf doesn't have to struggle or sacrifice anything </p><p>in order to accomplish dwarf's goal. This might be a good intro to the </p><p>ACTUAL story, which is old Fildon's efforts to track down the shaman </p><p>and restore his clan's honour. But it definitely lacks any sort of </p><p>urgency or effort on the part of our hero.</p><p></p><p>That said, your usage is strong and confident, and your details are for </p><p>the most part evocative. Watch out for using too many adjectives: "The </p><p>pot-bellied and grizzle-faced mage stroked his braided beard and </p><p>ornamental beard hammer absently." You spend a lot of time describing </p><p>furnishings that never play a role in the story -- if it were clearer </p><p>that they represented something important (say, Fildon's wealth </p><p>acquired through the sale of items) then I wouldn't mind spending so </p><p>much time on them.</p><p></p><p>Likewise the long story of Giro's maiming. Do we need to know this?</p><p></p><p>Very few short stories (and even fewer Ceramic DM stories) can afford </p><p>to spend even a sentence on something that doesn't contribute to the </p><p>overall effect. If this were the opening of a novel it wouldn't matter. </p><p>Such details need to pile up over a couple of hundred pages before one </p><p>can really judge if they're accomplishing anything or not. But in these </p><p>very tight tales, you're just spinning your wheels.</p><p></p><p>Picture use is a bit iffy. All of the pictures are references to past </p><p>events and none really contribute to the story itself. None form key </p><p>images in the story except for the shaman.</p><p></p><p>You need to pay more attention to finding "the telling detail" (to use </p><p>Hitchcock's expression) -- rather than blindly describe everything in </p><p>the room, describe those items that will tell us what we absolutely </p><p>need to know. Describe them in terms that tell us WHY they're important </p><p>and HOW they relate to what's HAPPENING in the story.</p><p></p><p>Strunk and White said it best: "Omit needless words." That includes </p><p>rich description that halts the story -- unless halting the story is </p><p>what you want to do.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for this story.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Decision: Graywolf-ELM</p><p></p><p> Mythago-</p><p></p><p> Note to both: punctuation needed to be better, and both did a lot of</p><p>"tense shifting"--switching from the story happening in the past tense</p><p>to describing it in the present tense and back again. Very basic</p><p>writing errors--you should be catching this at the proofreading stage.</p><p></p><p>UNTITLED (Taladas)</p><p></p><p>There's the start of an interesting story in here and it just trickles</p><p>away. We have a psychic PI, a decades-old disappearance, and a bizarre</p><p>hat collection, and it turns into a world-destroying threat that's</p><p>taken care of in a handful of paragraphs. (Why did Becky sit around</p><p>passively waiting for somebody else to deal with the threat,</p><p>especially when she knew it needed a 'talisman'?)</p><p></p><p>There isn't much characterization. Derrick is a PI, and the short</p><p>sentences help give a sense of the gritty pulp detective. But we don't</p><p>get much more. He's psychic, he has an attitude problem, that's about</p><p>it. Becky isn't much more than a plot ticket, and her brother is a</p><p>walk on; the Threat to All Of Us isn't terribly threatening. Just</p><p>being told "it's weird and it will destroy humanity" doesn't create a</p><p>sense of threat in the reader.</p><p></p><p>All in all, it reads like a promising first draft.</p><p></p><p></p><p>MAGIC FADES (Graywolf-TLM)</p><p></p><p>An intriguing story that sounds like a first chapter. That can be</p><p>done--witness Sialia's "Salt, Clay" Ceramic DM story--but the chapter</p><p>has to stand alone. That is, you may know something happened before,</p><p>and you know the characters are going on to further adventures, but</p><p>the events of THIS story are complete. Here they aren't.</p><p></p><p>I liked the unusual setting; no dungeon, no battlefield, the main</p><p>action is a dwarf sitting at his desk and then going to his workshop. </p><p>I would have liked to see the workshop described better instead of</p><p>just being told that they were sturdy and dwarven.</p><p></p><p>The voice of the forge and the narrator's voice seem uneven; "ignoble</p><p>fate," combined with colloquialisms like "easy enough," grates. I</p><p>admit I'm also not a fan of the Sudden Explanation scene: at the end,</p><p>we learn about Fildon's bargain with the shaman, but there was no</p><p>foreshadowing, no hint that this very strange bargain might have</p><p>dawned on him as being related to the current problem. It feels very</p><p>wedged-in, especially since we get no sense of why Fildon was so</p><p>terrified or what the point of the bargain was--business knowledge?</p><p></p><p>Judgment this round for GRAYWOLF-TLM</p><p></p><p></p><p> Alsih2o-</p><p></p><p> Taladas. I like the “black or white” bit. But some of the language is confusing and a couple of times I wasn’t sure if I should be laughing or not- “someplace with a name”.</p><p></p><p> There is some really funny stuff here, but it is mixed in with some confusing narrative. For instance “she/it”, I got the confusion from the first use, after that you should choose.</p><p></p><p> Sentences like “The detached hand had little nigh-invisible strings that moved the figure. It was moving the figure, controlling the figure.” Gain some strength from repetition and then give it up from too much repetition and this happens more than once in the story. I get the feeling the author is about to discover something about his/her writing style but hasn’t quite.</p><p></p><p> The ending wraps way too quickly for me. I think there is the core of a really strong story in here and I would like to see it if Taladas can finish it later.</p><p></p><p> Graywolf-ELM doesn’t so much give us a story as an interesting prelude. All the picture usages are good. Good but not great. </p><p></p><p> I REALLY like the main character and his screwed up foot. The cause of it, the office, the thoughts of this formerly noble dwarf all wrap me up and make me want more. That is the first step to success. But where is my second step? The more? </p><p></p><p> Good pic use, strong intro, but I feel even if you make a continuing story each section should stand on its own.</p><p></p><p> Judgement- Graywolf-ELM</p><p></p><p> Decision- Graywolf-ELM 3-0</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1651670, member: 4790"] Barsoomcore- Taladas "Jared Mills" Great first paragraph. It's like buckling up your seatbelt -- you can hear the strap go tight on "Cause of death: Suicide," and you feel it lock into place on "I guess he really wanted to die." Unfortunately, the unending grammatical errors strip this story of what power it might have. The tense keeps shifting and your sentences lack proper structure and punctuation so that I have to re-read them in order to figure out what you're saying. Some examples: "One of the air tanks was dropped and ruptured and causes several other tanks to rupture." -- tense shift "What is it going to conquer the world with a crop of rutabagas?" -- Are you saying it's going to conquer both the world and a crop of rutabagas? I know you're not, but this sentence isn't making it clear enough. The narrative flows along speedily enough -- review the picture, find the girl, get the insight, buy the hats. Too much is left unexplained, however -- why is Becky green and in India? Why were the deaths covered up? What DID happen to Jared Mills? You make a lot of promises early on that you never end up delivering on. "It’s not even a very good cover-up." -- here's an example promise. You're promising to tell me why it's not a very good cover-up. You're promising to tell me why it was covered up. You don't tell me either, so at the end of the story I feel let down. A story is a kind of a negotiation between the reader and the writer. The writer lays out the opening of the story like a salesman lays out the offer. The reader looks it over and decides if she wants to participate based on that opening. If the writer fails to deliver on the promise of the opening, the reader is going to feel unsatisfied. Always review your opening. What promises are you making that your reader is going to want fulfilled? This is why getting someone to edit your work is so important -- they'll be able better than you to notice promises getting made and then forgotten. There's a good story in here, Taladas, that's worth working on. But it feels like it lacks enough care and attention to detail to be worthy of my time. Why should I labour over a story you weren't willing to? I know that's untrue, but a couple of things give me that feeling. First, there's the multitude of basic errors discussed above. Second, there's a number of moments that aren't communicated clearly enough. For example: "Everything was black or white, not black and white like an Andy Griffith Show rerun but black or white." -- this means nothing to me. I mean, either it's black and white or it's not black and white. What are you distinguishing the Andy Griffith Show rerun from? Reruns of I Love Lucy? Third, there's just some laziness in the language that ends up being confusing: "I find her. I think." -- "But it was she, I could tell." Which is it? Is he sure or not? It feels like you changed your mind as to his reaction while you were writing, and never bothered to line things up with each other. Picture use is generally good -- I thought you'd thrown away the hats but those came back nicely. I hope it's clear why I felt unsatisfied with this story. But thank you for it. Graywolf-ELM "Magic Fades" Hm. What have we here? Dwarf with problem. Dwarf seeks answer to problem. Dwarf receives answer to problem. Dwart sets out to solve problem. There's a problem. Dwarf doesn't have to struggle or sacrifice anything in order to accomplish dwarf's goal. This might be a good intro to the ACTUAL story, which is old Fildon's efforts to track down the shaman and restore his clan's honour. But it definitely lacks any sort of urgency or effort on the part of our hero. That said, your usage is strong and confident, and your details are for the most part evocative. Watch out for using too many adjectives: "The pot-bellied and grizzle-faced mage stroked his braided beard and ornamental beard hammer absently." You spend a lot of time describing furnishings that never play a role in the story -- if it were clearer that they represented something important (say, Fildon's wealth acquired through the sale of items) then I wouldn't mind spending so much time on them. Likewise the long story of Giro's maiming. Do we need to know this? Very few short stories (and even fewer Ceramic DM stories) can afford to spend even a sentence on something that doesn't contribute to the overall effect. If this were the opening of a novel it wouldn't matter. Such details need to pile up over a couple of hundred pages before one can really judge if they're accomplishing anything or not. But in these very tight tales, you're just spinning your wheels. Picture use is a bit iffy. All of the pictures are references to past events and none really contribute to the story itself. None form key images in the story except for the shaman. You need to pay more attention to finding "the telling detail" (to use Hitchcock's expression) -- rather than blindly describe everything in the room, describe those items that will tell us what we absolutely need to know. Describe them in terms that tell us WHY they're important and HOW they relate to what's HAPPENING in the story. Strunk and White said it best: "Omit needless words." That includes rich description that halts the story -- unless halting the story is what you want to do. Thanks for this story. Decision: Graywolf-ELM Mythago- Note to both: punctuation needed to be better, and both did a lot of "tense shifting"--switching from the story happening in the past tense to describing it in the present tense and back again. Very basic writing errors--you should be catching this at the proofreading stage. UNTITLED (Taladas) There's the start of an interesting story in here and it just trickles away. We have a psychic PI, a decades-old disappearance, and a bizarre hat collection, and it turns into a world-destroying threat that's taken care of in a handful of paragraphs. (Why did Becky sit around passively waiting for somebody else to deal with the threat, especially when she knew it needed a 'talisman'?) There isn't much characterization. Derrick is a PI, and the short sentences help give a sense of the gritty pulp detective. But we don't get much more. He's psychic, he has an attitude problem, that's about it. Becky isn't much more than a plot ticket, and her brother is a walk on; the Threat to All Of Us isn't terribly threatening. Just being told "it's weird and it will destroy humanity" doesn't create a sense of threat in the reader. All in all, it reads like a promising first draft. MAGIC FADES (Graywolf-TLM) An intriguing story that sounds like a first chapter. That can be done--witness Sialia's "Salt, Clay" Ceramic DM story--but the chapter has to stand alone. That is, you may know something happened before, and you know the characters are going on to further adventures, but the events of THIS story are complete. Here they aren't. I liked the unusual setting; no dungeon, no battlefield, the main action is a dwarf sitting at his desk and then going to his workshop. I would have liked to see the workshop described better instead of just being told that they were sturdy and dwarven. The voice of the forge and the narrator's voice seem uneven; "ignoble fate," combined with colloquialisms like "easy enough," grates. I admit I'm also not a fan of the Sudden Explanation scene: at the end, we learn about Fildon's bargain with the shaman, but there was no foreshadowing, no hint that this very strange bargain might have dawned on him as being related to the current problem. It feels very wedged-in, especially since we get no sense of why Fildon was so terrified or what the point of the bargain was--business knowledge? Judgment this round for GRAYWOLF-TLM Alsih2o- Taladas. I like the “black or white” bit. But some of the language is confusing and a couple of times I wasn’t sure if I should be laughing or not- “someplace with a name”. There is some really funny stuff here, but it is mixed in with some confusing narrative. For instance “she/it”, I got the confusion from the first use, after that you should choose. Sentences like “The detached hand had little nigh-invisible strings that moved the figure. It was moving the figure, controlling the figure.” Gain some strength from repetition and then give it up from too much repetition and this happens more than once in the story. I get the feeling the author is about to discover something about his/her writing style but hasn’t quite. The ending wraps way too quickly for me. I think there is the core of a really strong story in here and I would like to see it if Taladas can finish it later. Graywolf-ELM doesn’t so much give us a story as an interesting prelude. All the picture usages are good. Good but not great. I REALLY like the main character and his screwed up foot. The cause of it, the office, the thoughts of this formerly noble dwarf all wrap me up and make me want more. That is the first step to success. But where is my second step? The more? Good pic use, strong intro, but I feel even if you make a continuing story each section should stand on its own. Judgement- Graywolf-ELM Decision- Graywolf-ELM 3-0 [/QUOTE]
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