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Ceramic Dm (final judgement posted, New Champion announced!)
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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1661800" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Berandor Vs. Macbeth</p><p></p><p> From here on out I am gonna be mixing the order of judgements. J</p><p></p><p></p><p>Alsih2o- </p><p></p><p> Macbeth “The g(u)ilt hanging over me. Man, what a line. “All of it tightly packed into little bricks of protein. The building blocks of a new life.” I love this one too. I also like the repetition, I don’t particularly think it is great writing, but I do it myself and find it comforting…mostly.</p><p></p><p> Take the DMS-IV, I would have liked to have been shown him looking through it rather than hearing him talk about it. The picture use is pretty solid, I like the brick interpretation a lot and the double layers in a lot of the meanings of words. </p><p></p><p> I really enjoyed this. The tension of the backwardness, the repeats. Nice story old man.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Berandor Gives us a conflict in the first session I can really sink my teeth into, his disgust and love for those around him is really attention grabbing. </p><p></p><p> I really enjoyed the use of Sialas green pic, and the “Walker” . The d-blocker pic is an example of not good but fantastic pic use.</p><p></p><p> The end slammed me, I expected more. But unlike most abrupt endings it slammed me in a good way. This is a strong, strong story and I hope it survives past this competition.</p><p></p><p> Judgement- Berandor, Macbeth did a lot right, but Berandor did it all right.</p><p></p><p> Barsoomcore- </p><p></p><p> Macbeth "Guilt"</p><p></p><p>A backwards story. I'm not often a fan of these, because nine times out </p><p>of ten the reason the story is backwards is because the story lacks </p><p>tension and by telling it backwards the writer exchanges tension for </p><p>mystery. Which is an inferior form of suspense.</p><p></p><p>This story is essentially a mystery about why our narrator has bad </p><p>dreams. We read the story in order to get the explanation. If you'd </p><p>told the story in the temporal order of events, there would be no </p><p>mystery -- we'd know why he has bad dreams. There would also be no </p><p>tension, and that's the primary problem with this story. No tension. </p><p>Just mystery.</p><p></p><p>Here's what Rust Hills has to say about mystery: "The trouble with </p><p>mystery as a structure is that the writer enters into competition with </p><p>the reader instead of partnership."</p><p></p><p>(by the way, if you haven't read Rust Hills' book <em>On Writing in </em></p><p><em>General and the Short Story in Particular</em>, you are missing one of </p><p>best books ever written about writing stories)</p><p></p><p>The only reason for us to read this story is to discover the source of </p><p>the narrator's bad dreams. Your goal, then, is to delay that revelation </p><p>until the end of the story -- which puts you and your readers at odds. </p><p>It turns your story into a game rather than an emotional experience. </p><p>The reverse order of events reinforces that notion by forcing me to </p><p>"meta-read" and put things together outside of the story.</p><p></p><p>As a general rule, if a story's not worth telling in "natural" order, </p><p>it's probably not worth telling at all.</p><p></p><p>Another problem for me is the repeating dream. If you're going to </p><p>structure a story around a repeating event, you need to make clear what </p><p>effect each repetition has. Each one needs to provide a distinctive </p><p>emotional transition and each one needs to build on the one previous. </p><p>The individual dreams here don't seem to do that -- they just repeat </p><p>the same themes over again. There appears to be no reason for them to </p><p>be in the order they are in -- I think I could switch them around and </p><p>the story wouldn't change any. That means they're unnecessary, and you </p><p>should never make your readers read unnecessary words.</p><p></p><p>That said, it's an ambitious effort, the pictures are creatively used, </p><p>and your writing is fine (though I wonder if you meant "yoke" or </p><p>"yolk"). I'm questioning the nature of the story and the structure you </p><p>chose to tell it, rather than the writing itself.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, though. I enjoyed reading it.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Berandor "Rememberance"</p><p></p><p>Okay, a pretty straightforward "coward gets a second chance" story. </p><p>Nothing wrong with that. It's pretty long -- the various conversations </p><p>are all (especially the one with Marcus) quite a bit longer than they </p><p>need to be. Indeed, I thought you could drop the entire scene with </p><p>Marcus. Go from the bust to the meeting with Arnold Webster -- we'll </p><p>fill in the gaps.</p><p></p><p>Some of the formatting is a little weird -- there's varying spaces </p><p>between paragraphs that I don't get. If that was meant to communicate </p><p>anything it slipped past me.</p><p></p><p>I like the family relationships established at the beginning. It's </p><p>believable and cruel and mundane. Very engrossing. I wish that it had </p><p>paid off a little more at the end, however. Likewise the characters of </p><p>Marcus and Webster -- how do they serve the story?</p><p></p><p>This sentence: "He realised he'd used his family to shield him from his </p><p>guilt" -- I don't think you really earn this sentence. I think that in </p><p>order to get away with such a moralistic statement you need to have </p><p>DEMONSTRATED it to us before we read it. We should read that sentence </p><p>nodding to ourselves, thinking, "Yes, of course, that's exactly what's </p><p>he's done." It should illuminate the story you've just told rather than </p><p>provide us with new information about Jason's state of mind.</p><p></p><p>Picture use is pretty good except for the walking wheel -- that one's a </p><p>bit of a throwaway. I'd also like to have seen a stronger use of the </p><p>barge, but the girl and the "d-blocker" are both excellent and carry us </p><p>right on through. Giving us a hint through the pictures themselves is </p><p>also clever -- you make a point of saying Rose is blond, when anyone </p><p>can see the little girl in the picture is dark. Nice.</p><p></p><p>All in all, the story is competent, though it skates over the emotional </p><p>surfaces of things rather than diving right in and really shaking us </p><p>up. It needs tightening, and it needs more attention paid to the </p><p>relationships between events in the story, but this is a solid entry. I </p><p>enjoyed it. Thanks.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Decision: Berandor</p><p></p><p> Mythago-</p><p></p><p> Both of the stories are diamonds in the rough.</p><p></p><p>GUILT (Macbeth)</p><p>The repetitive style was probably meant to show the narrator's</p><p>slipping sanity, but unfortunately it crossed the line from "weird" to</p><p>"annoying." There were times when I found myself skipping ahead</p><p>because the guy's mental dialogue just wasn't very interesting.</p><p></p><p>The idea of the dream, to the reality, to the shattered dream, was</p><p>confusing; was the guy seeing a vision sent by the village? Did he</p><p>have some kind of strange foresight? It's very vague and angsty and we</p><p>don't really see what's going on. The theme of the first picture was</p><p>nicely woven in with its re-appearances; the ball was nearly a</p><p>throwaway. The bricks = meat didn't make sense to me--why was the guy</p><p>supposed to have tested it (and how?) and, well duh, if you carry</p><p>slabs of meat around in hot, tropical air, they're going to go bad. I</p><p>like the idea you have behind the sequence, but not the execution</p><p></p><p>The line from Hamlet makes it sound as though the narrator is dying,</p><p>or at least that there's some connection between the beginning and the</p><p>end, but there really isn't other than the narrator having bad dreams.</p><p>He sounds pretty sane by the end.</p><p></p><p>So, there's a core of an interesting story in there, but the style and</p><p>the picture use feel like they've been very artificially sprayed on.</p><p></p><p></p><p>REMEMBERANCE (Berandor)</p><p>The story starts out, I'm sorry to say, in a very uninteresting</p><p>fashion. It screams "hi, I'm the author and I'm trying to frontload</p><p>information about this character." We get similar frontloading in the</p><p>description of the walking wheel.</p><p></p><p>I was also not understanding what was up with the wife and daughter</p><p>having the mutation. Is there a gene bomb? Surely if Gardiner is that</p><p>repulsed, he wouldn't have had a child with a woman he loathed; her</p><p>feelings about his repulsion didn't sprout overnight (sorry). And the</p><p>sudden appearance of the MDU is convenient.</p><p></p><p>The story doesn't pick up steam until after Gardiner gets out of jail.</p><p>Why he never suspects his contact is a mutant, I'm not sure, but at</p><p>least the interaction between the two is interesting. Now Gardiner is</p><p>the one trying to do right and the mutant is the one causing problems.</p><p>The climax of the story, with Gardiner accepting his family is dead</p><p>and making amends by caring for "Rose," is very powerful, and the use</p><p>of the picture is reasonable.</p><p></p><p>Judgment to BERANDOR for an overall more cohesive tale and better picture use.</p><p></p><p> Decision, Berandor 3-0</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1661800, member: 4790"] Berandor Vs. Macbeth From here on out I am gonna be mixing the order of judgements. J Alsih2o- Macbeth “The g(u)ilt hanging over me. Man, what a line. “All of it tightly packed into little bricks of protein. The building blocks of a new life.” I love this one too. I also like the repetition, I don’t particularly think it is great writing, but I do it myself and find it comforting…mostly. Take the DMS-IV, I would have liked to have been shown him looking through it rather than hearing him talk about it. The picture use is pretty solid, I like the brick interpretation a lot and the double layers in a lot of the meanings of words. I really enjoyed this. The tension of the backwardness, the repeats. Nice story old man. Berandor Gives us a conflict in the first session I can really sink my teeth into, his disgust and love for those around him is really attention grabbing. I really enjoyed the use of Sialas green pic, and the “Walker” . The d-blocker pic is an example of not good but fantastic pic use. The end slammed me, I expected more. But unlike most abrupt endings it slammed me in a good way. This is a strong, strong story and I hope it survives past this competition. Judgement- Berandor, Macbeth did a lot right, but Berandor did it all right. Barsoomcore- Macbeth "Guilt" A backwards story. I'm not often a fan of these, because nine times out of ten the reason the story is backwards is because the story lacks tension and by telling it backwards the writer exchanges tension for mystery. Which is an inferior form of suspense. This story is essentially a mystery about why our narrator has bad dreams. We read the story in order to get the explanation. If you'd told the story in the temporal order of events, there would be no mystery -- we'd know why he has bad dreams. There would also be no tension, and that's the primary problem with this story. No tension. Just mystery. Here's what Rust Hills has to say about mystery: "The trouble with mystery as a structure is that the writer enters into competition with the reader instead of partnership." (by the way, if you haven't read Rust Hills' book [i]On Writing in General and the Short Story in Particular[/i], you are missing one of best books ever written about writing stories) The only reason for us to read this story is to discover the source of the narrator's bad dreams. Your goal, then, is to delay that revelation until the end of the story -- which puts you and your readers at odds. It turns your story into a game rather than an emotional experience. The reverse order of events reinforces that notion by forcing me to "meta-read" and put things together outside of the story. As a general rule, if a story's not worth telling in "natural" order, it's probably not worth telling at all. Another problem for me is the repeating dream. If you're going to structure a story around a repeating event, you need to make clear what effect each repetition has. Each one needs to provide a distinctive emotional transition and each one needs to build on the one previous. The individual dreams here don't seem to do that -- they just repeat the same themes over again. There appears to be no reason for them to be in the order they are in -- I think I could switch them around and the story wouldn't change any. That means they're unnecessary, and you should never make your readers read unnecessary words. That said, it's an ambitious effort, the pictures are creatively used, and your writing is fine (though I wonder if you meant "yoke" or "yolk"). I'm questioning the nature of the story and the structure you chose to tell it, rather than the writing itself. Thank you, though. I enjoyed reading it. Berandor "Rememberance" Okay, a pretty straightforward "coward gets a second chance" story. Nothing wrong with that. It's pretty long -- the various conversations are all (especially the one with Marcus) quite a bit longer than they need to be. Indeed, I thought you could drop the entire scene with Marcus. Go from the bust to the meeting with Arnold Webster -- we'll fill in the gaps. Some of the formatting is a little weird -- there's varying spaces between paragraphs that I don't get. If that was meant to communicate anything it slipped past me. I like the family relationships established at the beginning. It's believable and cruel and mundane. Very engrossing. I wish that it had paid off a little more at the end, however. Likewise the characters of Marcus and Webster -- how do they serve the story? This sentence: "He realised he'd used his family to shield him from his guilt" -- I don't think you really earn this sentence. I think that in order to get away with such a moralistic statement you need to have DEMONSTRATED it to us before we read it. We should read that sentence nodding to ourselves, thinking, "Yes, of course, that's exactly what's he's done." It should illuminate the story you've just told rather than provide us with new information about Jason's state of mind. Picture use is pretty good except for the walking wheel -- that one's a bit of a throwaway. I'd also like to have seen a stronger use of the barge, but the girl and the "d-blocker" are both excellent and carry us right on through. Giving us a hint through the pictures themselves is also clever -- you make a point of saying Rose is blond, when anyone can see the little girl in the picture is dark. Nice. All in all, the story is competent, though it skates over the emotional surfaces of things rather than diving right in and really shaking us up. It needs tightening, and it needs more attention paid to the relationships between events in the story, but this is a solid entry. I enjoyed it. Thanks. Decision: Berandor Mythago- Both of the stories are diamonds in the rough. GUILT (Macbeth) The repetitive style was probably meant to show the narrator's slipping sanity, but unfortunately it crossed the line from "weird" to "annoying." There were times when I found myself skipping ahead because the guy's mental dialogue just wasn't very interesting. The idea of the dream, to the reality, to the shattered dream, was confusing; was the guy seeing a vision sent by the village? Did he have some kind of strange foresight? It's very vague and angsty and we don't really see what's going on. The theme of the first picture was nicely woven in with its re-appearances; the ball was nearly a throwaway. The bricks = meat didn't make sense to me--why was the guy supposed to have tested it (and how?) and, well duh, if you carry slabs of meat around in hot, tropical air, they're going to go bad. I like the idea you have behind the sequence, but not the execution The line from Hamlet makes it sound as though the narrator is dying, or at least that there's some connection between the beginning and the end, but there really isn't other than the narrator having bad dreams. He sounds pretty sane by the end. So, there's a core of an interesting story in there, but the style and the picture use feel like they've been very artificially sprayed on. REMEMBERANCE (Berandor) The story starts out, I'm sorry to say, in a very uninteresting fashion. It screams "hi, I'm the author and I'm trying to frontload information about this character." We get similar frontloading in the description of the walking wheel. I was also not understanding what was up with the wife and daughter having the mutation. Is there a gene bomb? Surely if Gardiner is that repulsed, he wouldn't have had a child with a woman he loathed; her feelings about his repulsion didn't sprout overnight (sorry). And the sudden appearance of the MDU is convenient. The story doesn't pick up steam until after Gardiner gets out of jail. Why he never suspects his contact is a mutant, I'm not sure, but at least the interaction between the two is interesting. Now Gardiner is the one trying to do right and the mutant is the one causing problems. The climax of the story, with Gardiner accepting his family is dead and making amends by caring for "Rose," is very powerful, and the use of the picture is reasonable. Judgment to BERANDOR for an overall more cohesive tale and better picture use. Decision, Berandor 3-0 [/QUOTE]
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